Pull The Covers Up And Leave Me Alone

2015-08-312015-09-02 Miss Poison Being Real, Depression, Emotional Pain, Exhaustion, Honesty, Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Care, Darkness, Depression, Emotional Pain, Family, Friendship, Frustration, Honesty, Isolation, Life, Loneliness, Love, Medication, Mental Health, Misery, Musings, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Support, Unhappiness, Writing

I’m a pretty dark person. I have a wicked sense of humor and I’ll say anything goofy to make someone laugh, but when it’s my life, there isn’t a lot I perceive as humorous. I’m not the kind of person who laughs at someone else’s pain or who enjoys hearing about someone’s breakups, divorces, illnesses, a death, etc. Laughing at other people’s pain is evil, in my eyes. When someone mentioned losing their Mom last week, I sat on my couch and cried. I’d already endured a rough week and hearing the words “My Mom passed away, but she’s at peace.” made me ill. I felt SO bad for this person. I was relieved that they had support from a spouse, friends, and family. That made me feel better for them, despite the fact that losing a parent at any age is one of the worst things one can go through. I should know; I’ve already lost both of mine. I’d give a lot to have even just one of them back. I spend every day of my life feeling like an absolute orphan.

I am good at listening to others and giving exceptional advice, but I’m not very good at listening to myself in an advisory capacity. The last thing I want to hear is the sound of my own voice. I spend a lot of time trying to shut the inside of my head up. I don’t do drugs, so that means I pull the covers around me (usually because I’m cold) and close my eyes. After a few minutes, kitten comes to check on me and she’ll cuddle in, which always makes me feel cared for. She’ll look at me with such loving green eyes and I know that she is conveying her concern for me. “Why are you sad, Mama? Don’t worry, I’ll stay with you. ” And she doesn’t leave my side until I leave the room. She is the epitome of loyal, and it is gratifying to see so much love from such a little person.

Cat also checks on me. These last few weeks she has been very observant of my unhappiness and has spent a lot of time watching me, cuddling with me, sitting on my lap at times, and looking for me. If I leave a room, she’ll trot after me to make sure I’m okay. She stares at me with her deeply knowing little face. I can almost hear her thinking “Mommy’s not okay. I always hear her say ‘I’m not okay.’, why doesn’t anyone listen to her?” I don’t know.

I’ve been so miserable that I’ve struggled emotionally in deep, dark places. Very few people have noticed and even fewer have shown me that they care. That’s okay, because it only proves what I already know; Most people live on their own fucking planet and aren’t aware that other people exist. Good for them, but please, stay the hell out of my lane or I will mow you down for shits and giggles. I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone who has their head that far up their own ass, though I am slightly impressed with their ability to physically aim so high. Since their heads never come out, there is no need to stock up on Listerine for the “great hose down of 2015”. I’ve decided to ignore assholes, douchebags, and vicious souls for the foreseeable future. I don’t care who the person is any more, I don’t need the stupidity and heartlessness.

Oftentimes people forget that all forms of depression can strike them down at any given moment. They can be the happiest person in the happiest place, and suddenly feel as though there are no words for their internal pain. Lying about it, pretending it does not exist, and blowing off the pain of others to make yourself seem stronger doesn’t make you better, it makes you afraid of being stigmatized. It’s 2015. Get the antiquated thinking out of your head and stop being an asshole to yourself, and others. It takes strength to treat a chemical imbalance. It takes strength to talk about it. You should be ashamed if you’re lying about it and hiding it. You should be even more ashamed if you’ve hurt friends that suffer because you can’t handle the fact that they’re stronger than you are. Yelling at someone who is suffering is not helpful. Screaming at them is even less helpful. You either want to help someone because you genuinely love and care about them or you scream because you lack proper communication skills.

I will yell when I’m frustrated, I will tell someone to back off or leave me alone when I am frustrated and need space, but the only person I abuse is myself.

I never know with any certainty if I will emerge from these dark places. Medication isn’t an option for me. I wait for new drugs to be released every few years to see if something new will be the answer. And by new, I mean NEW, I do not mean reformulated with a new name, which is what most pharmaceutical companies do when a major money-making drug is about to go generic. They will re-release it under a new name, having slightly tweaked it. If you’re not proactive in researching these drugs, you will spend years taking the same fucking crap, experiencing the same horrible side effects, wondering why you never feel better.

I am the exception, not the rule. Many people do find medication that works after some trial and error, even if only for short periods of time. I am chemically sensitive and I have been written off as “treatment-resistant”, which means that my brain doesn’t respond to all sorts of crazy chemical cocktails. No drug has ever worked for me on a long-term basis. Every time I “go dark”, it is up to me, and me alone, to try to pull myself out of the deep, dark hole before things get worse. I’m really tired of everyone’s opinions in regard to that. When you’re hurting, you want to be understood. You don’t want to hear hypocrisy or “That’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Um, NO. I will have this for the rest of my life. That my friends, is fucking permanent.

I will never be a perfect, blooming flower for anyone. I wish people understood that depression does not diminish who I am, it does not detract from what I bring to the table. It does not make me less talented, less intelligent, or less anything. If anything, it makes me the more interesting person in the room with a little more vibrancy at times because I hold a lot back daily. I don’t shine all of the time, but when I do, I highly suggest wearing sunglasses.

Here’s hoping I will soon shine again.

Irritability Isn’t Cute

2015-08-26 Miss Poison Exhaustion, Honesty, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Animals, Brutal Honesty, Cats, Exhaustion, Fibro Flares, Headaches, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Topamax, Writing

I HURT. There’s no getting around that. After nearly two straight weeks where I haven’t missed a single dose of Topamax, a migraine broke through last night. I was waiting for it. I expected it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as a migraine without a preventive in my system, but after almost two weeks with just an occasional mild headache, it was still an awful lot of pain during a time when the rest of my body was flaring up something fierce. It was only made worse by the fact that I couldn’t sleep.

This morning I decided not to punish the medication. It didn’t fail me, there will always be migraines that break through, so I took my dose, managed a little water, made a quick phone call, and now I am sitting here waiting for that call to be returned. I have documents to proof for printing later today and honestly, I am OUT after that. Just put my whiny, bitchy ass to bed and leave me here until my attitude improves. No one ever said irritability is cute, but when you can hear yourself sound utterly miserable, all you want to do is duct tape your mouth shut. Or maybe that’s just me?

Update on Maggie: This poor dog is STILL being mistreated. Apparently her paperwork checked out and the father backed off, but my next door neighbor (the husband) is expecting to be sued over the dog bite. He never added the dog to his insurance when they agreed to take the dog on temporarily for six months. His wife’s son is across the country doing some sort of mandatory USMC training and left the dog with his mother. I’m not sure if he’s ever MET his mother, but last night, while I was trying to do I don’t even remember what in silence, all I could hear was her screaming “Maggie, NO!” at the top of her lungs. I was already sick, or I would have gone outside and said “Hey bitch! What the fuck is this poor dog doing that is worth yelling at her for? Have you ever heard of a dog trainer? Perhaps they can take you for a few weeks and train you how to behave. All the dog ever does is bark and run away from you. That should tell you everything you need to know.” Alas, I was stopped because someone (not me) thought that was “a bit harsh”. I truly don’t think it could be harsh enough. Yelling and screaming at an animal is tantamount to abuse. Surely there are other family members that could take her and care for her until November/December. If you love an animal, you don’t leave it behind with an insane person. You also don’t name it like it’s a person, but hey, to each their own. People do tend to do that with dogs.

Animals don’t understand or respond to yelling. It is simply traumatic for them. I’ve seen animals run and hide if a person is simply speaking loudly, not even yelling, so some animals are more traumatized than other from being in a shelter, foster situation, from being re-homed, etc. Much like people, animals have triggers too and it is important to pay attention and be able to identify them.

In this, animals are a lot less dramatic and wishy-washy than people are. They either love you or they don’t, but once they do, they are with you ’til the end. Animals understand loyalty far better than people do.

When I come back in my next life, I am coming back as a cat.

WTF Moments & Pushing The Body

2015-08-20 Miss Poison Honesty, Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Cats, Chronic Pain, Crazy Shit, Fibromyalgia, Life, Limitations, Musings, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Pushing The Body, Storms, What The Fuck Moments, Writing

At 4:00 this morning, I thought someone was trying to break into my house. That is precisely how much noise an almost two-year old cat was making in her attempt to climb something, simply to give Mommy the cat version of a middle finger. She scared the crap out of me. I had thirty seconds to decide whether or not to go for a weapon. When I saw her sitting at the top of her destination, all noise has ceased, all I could do was shake my head (Don’t get me wrong, I was PISSED.), crawl from one point of origin to another, and after an hour, I realized sleep was not going to happen, but I was not about to cave and feed them at 5:00 a.m. either, no matter how many times kitten looked at me pathetically and walked me in the direction of the kitchen, as if I am slow and don’t know how to get there on my own. What is it about cats that make us question our own sense of direction? Do your animals accompany you to the kitchen too?

Kitten ate when I got home later than usual last night, but she licked her plate clean. Cat ate maybe six bites in total and ignored me for the rest of the evening. She clearly had other interests and apparently food was not on the agenda. She came to visit me when I was getting ready for bed so that she could get cuddles, kisses, and praise, but truly, she’s become so picky about food that I am considering A) A raw cat diet or B) Cooking for them myself. Both sound insane, I know, but I was reading an article and this women talked about how, by buying meat in bulk at Costco, BJ’s, or Sam’s Club, she feeds multiple cats for less than $5 a week. That is unbelievable, and quite savvy. I’m not sure about all of the supplements she talked about adding, but I clearly understand the meat she uses. That’s not complicated, though it could be if you are spending hours doing nothing but cooking for two cats. However, if it will prolong their lives and make them healthier inside and out, it’s an investment in their future. She talked about how the diet change has reduced vet visits, etc. It’s certainly an interesting concept. It sounded as though all the meals could be prepared once every two weeks, in advance, by freezing them. Again, that reduces how much physical labor you’re putting into it. Technically you could set aside a few hours and do it, the same as you would for yourself. If I do decide to go this route, I will mention it and whether or not it works for me and the littles.

As for me… I did way too much yesterday and I hurt like HELL. From my neck to my toes, I am moving like a hunchback. If the makers of Aleve knew exactly how much of their product I’d taken between late last evening and this morning, they’d be asking me to sign a waiver, absolving them of any and all responsibility. #HealthcareSucks

When I got home last night I put everything away, changed my clothes, washed my face twice (that may sound like overkill, but the first time I was removing makeup, which I did with the help of a wipe. The second time I was making sure my face was completely clean by traditional methods.), and was relieved not to be out in the humidity that a very popular meteorologist claimed was “92 degrees with 80 percent humidity”. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. From one channel/station to another, be it radio or television, everyone was reporting different temperatures and humidity. One media outlet, in the very same area, said it was closer to 100 degrees with 100 percent humidity. That sounds about right. It was a physical slap to be outside in heat so thick, you could barely breathe. Even if you’ve never had a breathing problem in your life (like me), you walked away from yesterday with some sort of cough or breathing problem. For several hours I thought I was going to be violently sick, pass out from heat exhaustion, or fall and be run over by a car. Even with a large bottle of water with me, there was no amount that would have been “enough”. I also got caught in a heavy thunderstorm with ground to sky lightning. The rain was much more intense than the storm itself and today, more storms, more rain. That’s okay though because underneath my vampire pale skin, I am pretty sure I look like multiple trucks have hit me and then backed over my body. There’s got to be a different way to say “I feel like I’m battered and bruised internally.” However, that is often what Fibromyalgia feels like when you push your body too hard. Alas, shit’s gotta get done and I’m a one woman show.

Today I get to rest. I even went back to sleep and slept soundly, which is surprising, but I’m glad I got that extra few hours. Tomorrow I have phone calls to make and other things to tackle, but all in all, I am going to breathe. There are only 24 hours in a day and none of us are Superwoman. I, however, am not giving back the cape. 😉

Art Washes Away…

Quote 2015-08-14 Miss Poison Art, Life, Quotes Art, Life, Pablo Picasso, Quotes, The Soul

“Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.” -Pablo Picasso

This Week Is Over

2015-08-14 Miss Poison August, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing August, Chronic Pain, Editing, Fibromyalgia, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Topamax, Work, Writing

I’ve had yet another rough, stressful week. I am emotionally exhausted. I’m also in pain that no one should have to be in. In an ideal world, I’d be able to curl up this weekend and not have to face anything until next weekend. No, I’m not delusional, I’ve just had enough.

I am sitting here nursing green tea. I don’t feel well. I woke up with a myriad of health issues. I went to bed in pain, needing Aleve to fall asleep in a state of slightly less pain, but since I forgot to take the medicine that protects my stomach from NSAID use, I’m paying for it.

Upon inspection this morning, I found two chemical burns on the back of my neck. I’m not 100% certain of the cause, but I have my suspicions. One stings, the other is seemingly in the healing phase. I hope they’ll look better tomorrow because the last thing I want to do is be seen in public with what looks like brand marks. Note to self: Must find Aquaphor. How do you cover the back of your neck in August when your hair isn’t as long as it used to be and you normally wear it up? #GirlProblems

Due to the crazy influx of migraines over the last few weeks, I began taking Topamax this morning. I’ve been off of it for three years, so I am hoping it will help prevent some of what I am experiencing. If not, I will have at least made an effort and will know that another treatment method must be found. It is better to try than to dismiss something that has worked so well for me in the past. Today is the start of a month on 25 mgs. Here’s hoping it does more than make carbonated drinks taste funny.

Was anyone able to see the meteor shower? I looked for about 30 minutes last night and all I saw were a few constellations. I couldn’t keep looking, so I went to bed. I’m betting all the fun started the second my head hit the pillow. I’ve only seen a few photos from earlier in the week.

I hope I will be able to concentrate on the shit I need to do over the next few days. I want to get as much work done as humanly possible. I haven’t been able to focus on a large page count with any regularity, but I am certainly trying. All one can do is their best. If that’s not good enough for someone, tough shit.

Summer is nearly over, and soon it will be Fall in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s my favorite time of year. The nights are already getting a bit cooler, but there’s something about the crispness of October air that rejuvenates my spirit.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

How Did Your Day Go Yesterday?

2015-08-08 Miss Poison Life, Migraines, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Agony, Chores, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Lost Weekends, Migraines, Self-Care

FYI: My hair isn't a mess, but I am in my PJ's. — FYI: My hair isn’t a mess, but I am in my PJ’s.

The best laid plans. 😦

I was in so much pain yesterday that I decided a “quick nap” was in order around 1:00 PM. We will not discuss that I slept way too long. In turn, I didn’t get any editing done. I fed cat and kitten because they were both staring at me pathetically, doing tricks, and bringing me toys as if they were forgotten street urchins. Meows and chirps were also involved. Mind you, they had full bowls of dry food, they simply like the can opening routine. After that I made sure my laundry was dry (Towels and bath sheets are screwing with me lately when they are normally dry in 40 minutes. It now takes an additional 10-20 minutes for them to be thoroughly dry. Perhaps I need to put them on a second spin cycle before drying from now on?), and then a migraine took me down, thus resulting in me retreating to bed at 9:04 PM. That was migraine #11. This morning, migraine #12 decided to pay me a visit. FML.

I am sitting here contemplating how bad the headache is (Can I clean my microwave and fridge without puking? Can I strip my bed and wash all of the linens without falling down the stairs from the newfound vertigo? Should I wait before I shower so I don’t hit my head and pass out?) because I still have things that need to get done. Essentially, these are all things that can wait until this passes (Please God, let it pass. I have exactly one Excedrin Tension Headache left and it is sold out in four different stores, including the generic version. WTH?!), but I really don’t want to “take a nap” and pray that I’ll be okay later on because migraines are fickle bastards and I am not in control of how long they stick around. 😦 I also wanted to do something fun because learning new things is a positive thing, but I don’t know if I can stomach that at the moment. When I’m in pain, i don’t have a lot of patience for minutia. When I’m not in pain I don’t have a lot of patience, so it is what it is.

I remember a time when Saturday was an enjoyable time to sleep in, do something fun in the afternoon, and leisurely enjoy the weekend to the fullest. Apparently that’s in the past for now, but I long for the days when the pain is gone and I can live my life without scheduling every last detail around migraines or Fibromyalgia.

Here’s hoping & praying there are cures in sight, or at the very least, reliable forms of treatment.

A Lifetime Isn’t Forever…

Quote 2015-08-05 Miss Poison Life, Quotes C. Joybell C., Life, Lifetime, Live Your Life, Mistakes, Opportunity, Quotes

“A lifetime isn’t forever, so take the first chance, don’t wait for the second one! Because sometimes, there aren’t second chances! And if it turns out to be a mistake? So what! This is life! A whole bunch of mistakes! But if you never get a second chance at something you didn’t take a first chance at? That’s true failure.” ―C. JoyBell C.