Does Creativity Pay?

2014-09-13 Miss Poison E-books, Fibromyalgia, Health, Honesty, Poison In Lethal Doses, Things That Enrage Me, Thoughts, Unbelievable Crap, Unfiltered, Writers, Writing Creativity, Ebooks, Finding Work As A Writer, Honesty, Poison In Lethal Doses, Unfiltered, Writing

It’s Official, I Lack The Ability Of Dumbing Myself Down

A few weeks ago I officially signed up with an on-line Freelancing service that allows you to submit proposals for a laundry list of writing jobs, as well as other creative endeavors. Every single job that I am 1000% perfect for has either been A) Canceled because the entire project was scrapped or B) Given to someone else. I guarantee you that anyone who got a job over me dumbed themselves down in order to get it.

I’m not saying that a person that got a writing job over me is stupid. I don’t know them. However, I know that the low bid is always the one that gets the job. People can say a lot of things about me, but I’m NOT stupid.

I’m not going to apologize for placing my actual worth and value into a proposal. I have 27 years of writing experience, 19 years of editing experience, an incredibly vast array of knowledge, and if I wanted to be paid by the hour, I’d look into becoming a hooker (I’m kidding, I’m too tired to seriously consider that.).

Truth be told, if Fibromyalgia wasn’t killing me each day, I might contemplate a “normal” job at someplace like Sephora where my knowledge of fragrance, skin care, make-up, and all things beauty would be appreciated, albeit at an hourly rate. The only reason I’ve never done it is because I know I can’t get out of bed nine days out of ten and show up at a job like that. No company wants an employee that can only show up once or twice a week, that’s simply not going to fly.

Being a writer is one of those professions where people either assume you’re loaded because “J.K. Rowling made millions.”, or they assume that with magazines folding constantly and eBook sales up (Want to know how much you can be paid to write an eBook for someone else? Between $10-$125, and in many instances, your name will not be the one credited for writing it. I find it insulting beyond words. If you want me to write a book of 50 recipes and you want it in a week, you cannot come to the table with scraps. A high school student or a freshman in college might take a job like that, but an experienced writer is going to laugh at you.), you’re either okay or a step away from being on the street. People accept “Writer” as an occupation without questioning it too much, unless they don’t know a lot about what it takes to be a writer and make a name for yourself.

Since my sign-up date, I have done nothing, but write job proposals. Placing a price on your hourly rate, or your rate per 100 words, or your per job rate is tough. Like any other creative being, I want to pay my bills, put food on the table, provide for my health, and be able to breathe. If I have a rough week, I want to know that I don’t have to write my ass off this week in order to make ends meet.

So, after writing all of these proposals, I finally got a response. It seemed promising, until a little while ago when my original quote of $300 is now being asked to go down to $30-$45 a month. I understand it’s a newish business, I respect that, but here is what I am being asked to do: Monthly blog posts, creative marketing, and some creative PR packages to get jewelry into fashion magazines. That entails a lot of work, and truth be told, $300 is not my normal rate. The more we go back and forth, the more she seems to want out of me, and I have to wonder if I am simply up against the eight other people that also bid on the job, or if she really thinks that is what my time is truly worth. Regardless, she has received a sample of my work and can decide for herself. If you want quality work, don’t insult me.

After handling that, I was then sent 15 pages of a novel for another job. I have to say, I was annoyed when I got to the end because even with all the mistakes and changes that would have to be made, there was an awful lot of potential in there and I wanted to keep reading (and correct everything, because it’s force of habit!). I bid on the job. I gave a very decent price for editing a first novel, well within the person’s budget, and I will see how it goes. However, I am sick and tired of the bullshit involved.

If you want something done professionally, don’t insult the professional you’re trying to hire for the job. If you want someone experienced and intelligent, don’t expect them to waste their time if you aren’t willing to properly compensate them. Never have I tried hiring someone for something on a creative level, and then insulted their intelligence and effort by countering their quote. It’s hard enough for me to put a price on myself, but when you insult me, it makes me want to respond by letting you know how unprofessional you are.

You want something done right? Come to play, or get the fuck out of my way.

Emotionally Bad Days

2014-09-09 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Growth, Health, Humor, Pieces Of Me, Unfiltered, Writing Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Finding My Center, Growth, Health, Humor, Laughter, Pieces Of Me, Writing

I don’t care how positive you are about life, or the world at large, an emotionally bad day can, and will, screw with you.

I was up way too late last night, which I partially blame on a phone call, but take full responsibility for the rest. I was beat, but for some reason, I couldn’t calm myself down enough to sleep. By the time I got into bed, my pain had escalated so bad I wanted to cry, scream, throw things, and just plain have an epic tantrum. Alas, I’m not under the age of 10, so tantrums don’t look very good and aren’t acceptable, not even in the privacy of my own home. All I truly wanted was some rest and the pain to stop. I am not sure if anyone else uses any Icy/Hot type of product with Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain. I have had decent results with an organic one, but right now the pain is so bad that there’s simply no reason to be concerned about a chemical that MIGHT affect you some day up the road. Not when you’re a step away from ripping your own limbs off with your bare hands. Believe it or not, Walmart makes the BEST generic version of this stuff that I have ever used. I can cover my entire back and legs in it and fall asleep in bliss. Even better, it lasts longer, so I will remain asleep. Note To Self: MUST BUY TOMORROW.

Experiencing pain like this day in and day out is very difficult for me to navigate. It screws with my creative process, it slows down my brain capacity because my body is, essentially, battling itself, and it makes me feel like a complete and utter moron that cannot find her words. I am incredibly articulate, but I have days when my words are absolutely baffling, even to me. Sometimes they’re funny, and easily laughed off, and other times I am disturbed by how the concise thought in my head became the most distorted sentence ever to be heard by another person. Thankfully the people in my life aren’t judging me too harshly. I’ll say something bizarre, I’ll get stared at for a second or two, and then we’ll laugh. Or it will be SO outrageous that I’ll still be hearing about it weeks later, because it’s that funny and so unlike me. I say goofy shit all the time to make people laugh and to make them feel better, but when it’s completely unintentional, it can become a bit of a laugh fest.

Today, I take the time to rest. Yesterday was too highly charged emotionally for me, and I am still freaked out. I am praying for better, stronger days ahead. I am trying to ward off the negative by focusing on the positive and looking clearly at my future. Some days I feel so incredibly old that I don’t think there’s much of a future there, but then I realize that I’m not in the grave just yet, so it’s time to keep fighting.

And fight on, I shall.

P.S. Thank you & WELCOME to all the new subscribers. I am so humbled and awed by the positive support. I notice many of you are following me on both platforms and for that, I cannot say thank you enough. 🙂

Have You Ever Had A Day…

2014-09-08 Miss Poison Being Real, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Health, Honesty, Life, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thoughts, Unbelievable Crap, Uncategorized, Unfiltered, Writing Answers, Fibromyalgia, God/Goddess, Help, Hope, Horrific Days, Power, Prayer, Strength, Writing

Have You Ever Had A Day…

We’ve all had days where we’d like to call into work or life “dead”. For me, today is one of those days. I’ve reached a breaking point. It started yesterday, when I had to walk away from a very serious look at suicide. No, I am not seeking attention with my honesty, I am simply being forthcoming. Why do so many things have to go wrong all at once? Why does every single thing in life revolve around money?

Money equates security, and it also equates greed, depending on how you look at it. Some people are so greedy for “stuff” that they never realize they could be helping someone in need. It doesn’t even occur to them. No matter how bad things get in my life, I always look at where I came from and if a small donation to charity will make a difference, then I will do it. If helping someone with a problem, or simply being a good person is what is needed of me on any given day, then I don’t even think about it, I just do it.

For me, money is about security. It’s about making sure the bills are paid, there is a roof over my head, and food on the table. It’s also about providing for my overall health. Yes, I like nice things, what woman doesn’t, but if it comes down to buying something shiny and buying food, I am going to choose food. If it comes down to paying my bills or buying something fancy, I am going to pay my bills. In this, I feel like my priorities are in check. Someone suggested to me that during my struggles, I get rid of my cat. I was LIVID. I would rather STARVE than surrender a precious little life that trusts and loves me into the hands of a shelter. Who else will cheer me up with her insane antics and ankle biting?!

Some days though, I simply don’t know how I survive, or why. These past two years have been a terrible struggle for me with my health, with family, and life in general. When you’re suffering, finances dwindle pretty quickly. As my health worsens, I am faced with the very real possibility of being homeless, of requiring a pain pump to help manage the Fibromyalgia, and possibly a wheelchair. I assure you that I am far too young for the last two, and yet, these are all very real possibilities. Moreover, they’re terrifying.

If you believe in a Higher Power, today I ask that you say a little prayer for anyone and everyone suffering and struggling. I will do the same. I believe strongly in the power of prayer, and I also believe that sometimes the best things comes out of the absolute worst things.

Today I find myself desperate, humbled, and scared for so many reasons. I have nothing left, but to believe that God has answers, and that they will soon show themselves in unexpected ways.

Out Of The Ashes

2014-08-082014-08-17 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Health, Pieces Of Me, Writing Chronic Pain, Doctors, Drug Addiction, Fibromyalgia, Health, Medicine, Painkillers, Writing

Out Of The Ashes

One of the first PILD pieces I ever wrote was about drug addiction. It was an incredibly poignant piece of prose, but the basic theme was this: Anyone can become addicted to prescription pain medicine. This is a simple fact.

This is a new blog, and since many of the readers may not know me from “…..And The Moon Sees All”, let me clarify why I am writing about this particular subject.

In 2003, I believe, after years of bizarre pain and recurring injuries that I could not explain, a doctor sat me down and said “All of your tests have come back negative. Your blood work is good, everything’s negative. Your MRI is clear. Your x-rays only show the spinal issues that the MRI showed 4 years ago. Have you ever heard of Fibromyalgia?” I had only heard about it in passing, I did not know a lot about it. Not much was known about it on a whole, but in all honesty, I was a little too distracted, because knowing that what I had was not Lupus was much more prevalent in my mind.

My world changed that afternoon, and has continued to change every day since then. I finally had answers for what was plaguing me. Unfortunately, I did not know just how much the disease itself would plague my life, what it would take away, the time it would rob me of, and I still have no idea what it will do to me in the future.

When all of the pain began, I was put on several different types of pain medication and a muscle relaxer as the standard operating procedure. Coming from a background where I had worked for a professional athlete who’d had his demons with pain medication, I was not a fan of what this entailed. I was not going to become a person that lived her life based on her next dose, nor was I going to become this person that abused what she was given. To this day, I am still one of the most responsible users of medication that I know.

As the years have come and gone, I’ve pretty much adhered to a 2-3 times a day policy, even on my worst days. Technically I am allowed 8-10 pills per day. Many years ago, when the medication simply wasn’t strong enough because I’d been on it for so long, I was taking the maximum allowed dose every single day. Eventually, it all stopped working and I lost my patience. I then weaned myself off of it and now, on the absolute worst days, I will only take something at night. During the day I will take Tylenol or Aleve, but at night, I allow myself the prescription. On days when I cannot move a muscle or get out of bed, I might allow myself a morning pill, but I’ll definitely chastise myself over it.

Millions of people suffer from Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain. There are a laundry list of side effects from each and the truth is, to this day, I still don’t know for sure if I have one or the other, or a combination thereof. My doctors have been lax. They have found it easier to refill prescriptions and try to refer me elsewhere because what I am going through is truly out of their wheelhouse.

I took very high doses of Cymbalta for 8 years and it did give me aspects of my life back. I almost felt like a regular person again. However, once it stopped working, I could no longer go back on it. I have tried multiple times at the 20 mg level (the lowest dose possible) and even that is too high a dose for my body now. I have tried Lyrica and while I know it helps some people, for me personally, I think it is a seriously awful drug. It was like being 100% aware in a coma. In turn, I’m not touching Savella with a ten foot pole.

My first referral was to a pain management center where they spend the entire day performing epidurals and nerve blocks. Strictly speaking, unless you are done having kids (which I am NOT, and obviously this only applies to women), you shouldn’t be using this as a form of pain relief unless you’ve chosen not to have kids. The risk of an epidural wearing off for me in the future in the middle of childbirth is a risk I am not willing to take. I spoke with my doctor about it and he was mortified that this was the only option being made available to me. He agreed with my perspective and said that if I went through with it, I would absolutely have one fail during childbirth. At that point, I was left without options.

I have tried experimental medications, some of which have only recently been approved for the treatment of Chronic Pain. One in particular robbed me of a week of my life, I will never take it again. I have done several courses of Eastern Medicine and while some of it worked well, others were so temporary that I don’t feel like two hours of pain relief is worth spending a week in bed. Herbs are not addictive, but you do continue to seek pain relief from them if they work. It becomes a different type of pattern, albeit a natural one that isn’t habit-forming.

My next step in this lengthy, exhausting process is a Fibromyalgia specialist. Yes, they do exist, but they’re hard to find and it’s not easy to get on a waiting list to see one. Many of them do not take any form of insurance, except Medicare, so they definitely don’t make it easy for you to seek out pain relief and the proper treatment method for your body. However, I am determined to get in to see the one in my area, even if that means a 6+ month wait, or longer.

I did nothing to cause the Fibromyalgia from creeping into my body and systematically trying to take over. There is a widespread belief that it is caused by physical and/or emotional trauma in your life, and the on-set is different for everyone. It is widely speculated that mine was caused due to a gymnastics injury that lingers to this day, but the truth is, my doctor was simply going over my history and looking for a particular physically traumatic event to try to help me find some closure as to how it may have happened. We will never truly know with any certainty.

Some people have Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain so mildly, that their flare-ups are just a few days per month. Others are experiencing pain so severe that they cannot function or take care of themselves, their lives change in the blink of an eye. None of us WANT to end up in wheelchairs, but I keep hearing about it and that is incredibly scary to me.

This disease is like many, it is a predator. It targets anyone, it does not discriminate. It can, and it does, happen to anyone.

So, the next time someone tells you they have Fibromyalgia, do not tell them they “don’t look sick”. I can’t tell you how often I get told that I “look great”. Yes, and it takes me 5 hours to look that way.

Don’t judge someone with any form of Chronic Pain or Fibromyalgia. Do some research and do what you can to lighten their load, even if it means cleaning a room for them when you can, taking them to doctors appointments when you are able, or cooking for them so that they don’t have to struggle in their attempts to put a meal together for themselves and/or their family. Be a supportive ear, and don’t take it personally when they inevitably have to cancel plans with you constantly because the pain is too much. They aren’t doing it on purpose, they don’t hate or dislike you, but they DO hate their pain. Do what you can to put their mind at ease. Be kind, be courteous, and above all, treat them the way you’d want to be treated if you found yourself in the same position tomorrow. If they weren’t able to go with you to see that movie, bring it to them when it comes out on DVD and provide them with a fun movie night at home. Make them comfortable. Show them that you care. Take their pain seriously and they will respect you for that. If you walk away from them thinking that they’re faking it or that it’s “all in their head”, pause for a second and factor in the simplicity of karma.