Year: 2021

Deep, Dark Hole

Miss Poison Depression, Mental Health , , , , , , ,

All too often, people are made to feel ashamed for suffering from anything people can’t visibly see. How sad it is that we live in a world where you’d receive more help and kindness for breaking a leg, as opposed to suffering for the rest of your life? A sick, depraved world; that’s what you face in the world when you suffer from any form of mental illness.

Today was a bad day for me. A bad day on top of G-d only knows how many others which have come before it. I refuse to allow anyone to judge me or make me feel lesser because I suffer in ways they don’t understand. Educate yourself, and maybe you’ll judge a whole lot less.

For me, a bad day could mean any number of things, but it can also mean it’s been a month of despair, or an entire year. I tend to remain silent because support is hard to come by, and quite frankly, I’m tired of the usual rhetoric. The, “I’m sorry to hear that.” crap gets really old, really fast, especially since it is said with not an ounce of genuine care or concern. It is one of the rudest things you can say to me, and I will react and respond to those words in ways you cannot possibly imagine. On a good day I don’t suffer fools. On a bad day, I won’t roll my eyes and pretend one might secretly mean well. No. Those who mean well have better words. If you don’t, I strongly suggest you get better words, quickly. So many people are suffering privately because of ignorance. They are afraid they will lose their friends, family, job, and everything else they value or need to survive.

I see a lot of patently false “woke” people these days pretending to care about things they didn’t care about two years ago, or two months ago. Things many have been silent about their entire lives. It sickens me. It’s so disingenuous. Especially when words exchanged in private are still of the ignorant, hateful sort. There are too many people trying to pretty up their views on others; their judgments.

Too many people are constantly judging a person who is mentally ill, as opposed to trying to help them. I see it and I hear it, and I am not quiet about my views. To do so would be hypocrisy.

I’m going to take care of myself for the next few weeks. Maybe during that time, some people will pick up a book and enlighten themselves. Depression, and mental illness on a whole, doesn’t discriminate. It is the ultimate predator. It doesn’t take out the weak, it tries to take out the strong. Keep that in mind the next time you judge without looking in a mirror first.

Mid-Week Humor & a Little (Cat) Back Story

Image Miss Poison Images/Photos/Quotes, Writing , , , ,

I’ve been off all week. 😦 I don’t feel like myself and I don’t feel good. It’s an obvious rough patch health-wise.

My right hand is healing, but the deeply damaged spot, which is much deeper than I originally thought, is still a problem. It shouldn’t hurt this much. I’ve done all the correct things to attempt to speed up the healing process, but ultimately, this is going to scar. Some of the smaller areas are almost fully healed, and other spots are a bit swollen. I’ll live. Thankfully, the skin on our hands and feet regenerates quicker than the skin on the rest of the body. Besides, scars teach us lessons.

Next week, I have three appointments on back-to-back-to-back days. I don’t have to go anywhere for the last one, I just have to answer the phone, but one of those appointments is a procedure and while used to it, I still get a little anxious thinking about it. I will be fine, unless my doctor is feeling heavy-handed next week. I willingly submit myself to small amounts of torture; I should probably see a doctor about that. 😉

Today’s image perfectly captures how quickly Kitten adapted once returning home from the vet. She was suspicious that night, quickly eating her dinner and going to bed. They both stayed away from me and neither one felt great from the new vaccines, but Sunday she was back to being sweet and now she’s completely herself again. She’s been taking care of me. My migraines have been torturous and they’re causing additional insomnia, so every night she sits with me, hangs out, watches me type or read, and then she curls up with me when I am able to sleep. She is right by my elbow as I type this. I was so happy when she came to me and asked to be let under the covers. It’s been our thing ever since she was eight weeks old. The first night she was home, she jumped up on my bed, curled up in a ball on my left side, and didn’t budge until morning. Mind you, Cat was hissing at her and spitting; completely enraged that this new animal who didn’t smell like family had taken over. She didn’t bat an eye, because she felt safe. They still sleep in the same spots they chose as kittens, at least when they’re with me.

When I’m really not 100% okay (and saying I’m fine), they jump up, go to their chosen spots, and put me in the middle of their love fest. Those are precious moments when you realize you’ve raised these little creatures and they love you, because they know we’re a team. They definitely look to me for guidance, for reactions, and sometimes, when I laugh, I think they’re deeply concerned that something is wrong with me. They stare at me like I’m about to die, and then they look at each other, as if one of them is more responsible for me than the other. This only makes me laugh harder. Their expressions are so human, so full of concern. G-d genuinely knew what He was doing when he created cats; people, not so much.

Great things are coming up for me, and as a result, I do feel overwhelmed at times. These next few weeks, I have to remind myself who I am and not allow an ounce of doubt to chase after me. It’s easier said than done. Wish me luck. 🙂

I’ll be back soon. Be well, everyone.

Sedate Me

Miss Poison Writing , , , ,

Yes, I’m still writing. Yes, I am still reading (Check out my Goodreads challenge. I’ve read 111 books, so far. Crazy, right? Research pays off!). But for the next few weeks, I think I need to take it easy.

Today I took Cat and Kitten to the vet. I was already stressed out and barely keeping myself together in terms of appearing mildly sane. Naturally, Cat, who is sweet, loving, quiet, flirty with all men who have a Russian or Ukrainian accent, and an overall, “I want to be with the people.” kind of cat freaked out and used her back claws to rip me open. I can’t open and close my right hand without serious pain. If I hadn’t moved my hand, which is what allowed her to get into contact with my wrist and forearm, I probably would have needed stitches because she was so relentless and putting up such a physical struggle. This quiet little being, who barely ever meows, used up a fifteen year quota of meows and screeches today, and she’s not even eight years old.

Every time she meowed, my panic reached a new level of traumatized. 😦 However, I knew I was doing the right thing for her health. Some of the news wasn’t great, unfortunately. I had forgotten that her breed is prone to certain genetic predispositions. I’m upset, for her, but will do whatever is necessary to let her live the rest of her life in peace and good health. I can’t spend money when I’m dead, but I can work harder and recoup whatever goes towards her care moving forward. Her breed is known to live between 12 and 20 years, which is precisely why I adopted her. I wanted a cat who I felt I could give a good life, but also one who’d be by my side through a specific chapter of my life. I’m aiming for 20. <Fingers crossed.>

Kitten wasn’t happy about any of this either, but I got her into her carrier with far less fanfare, and she got a 99% clean bill of health. The fact that she weighs almost two pounds more than my Bombay makes me question their scale. Especially since she is always running around, jumping, and playing. She’s much more physically active, and always has been. This is where I disagree with the vet. I know that if I change anything in their diet, it can lead to thyroid issues. I’ve dealt with that twice before, and I will not put them on a different diet unless they require it for their long-term health. I measure everything out carefully. Also, when a vet encourages you to make sure they get extra treats to help with health issues, you don’t feel as bad as I do since I feel like they’re constantly in my face begging me to give in (Which I often do, because I’m a sucker.). They are shameless little con artists.

The downside of a day like today is day’s end when you are exhausted beyond measure and hurt from head to toe. Add in poor sleep, and this is ridiculous. Hopefully I can feel less rushed tomorrow and sleep in a bit. I need it. And I need to replenish cat supplies.

In the future, can we sedate the owner who was triggered today, right along with the cats? Is there a tranquilzer we can use? I’m asking for future reference, of course. 😉

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, folks. I’ll be on the mend. The sliced part of my hand might slow me down this coming week, but I will do my best.

Until next time…

All I want is a Pina Colada.