Month: October 2015

If You Can Tell Stories…

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I disagree. If it didn’t matter how you write, every idiot who thinks they’re the next J.K. Rowling would be published. Bookstores would be overrun with poorly written material that some idiot behind a desk thought would make money, as opposed to truly believing in a story or the author behind it.

Writing is a business. Once the manuscript you work your ass off on is submitted, it’s all business, you are not a person to these people. When someone tells you that your hard work isn’t marketable, even if you have an audience that would happily read it, it’s a let down emotionally. I know many people who’ve left a writing career due to a failed book, or a second manuscript not being picked up by their publisher, etc. They got fed up with the business aspect and decided to throw themselves into other creative endeavors.

I think the right people (those experienced in the individual genres people submit in, not a handful of people who make these decisions) should be reading the manuscripts that get submitted and pushing hard for what is truly good. I read way too many crappy stories from established authors who push out a book or two each year, and are clearly half-assing it. That 100% matters to me as both writer and reader.

Prayers & Tears

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justlikeI contemplated being silent today because I’m not in a good mood, but I’m also too upset to pretend.

I’ve had less than five hours of sleep. I tried going back to bed an hour ago, but I am unable to focus on genuine rest. That usually means doing what I always do when there are thoughts running through my head; write.

My brother is sick. By “sick”, I do not mean he has a cold or the flu, I mean that he is going into the hospital tonight. Why wait? Because he “doesn’t want to ruin my day”. It’s not meant to make me feel guilty, he’s just utilizing God given guilt.

When I tried encouraging him to “just go” (He totally inherited the stubbornness from my Mom.), he refused, saying he could go tonight “after I celebrate”. I even offered to go with him, which he doesn’t want, not unless major surgery is being performed. He’s not trying to be dramatic, he just is. 😦 He’s also conscious of the fact that nearly every birthday I have sucks in some way, and that he’s usually the cause if I, myself, am not stuck in bed sick as a dog (in the traditional way).

Last night, he informed me of all his final plans. Plans I am meant to carry out, some of which include organ donation. I’ve had to hear people’s “final wishes” more times than I care to count, so last night was too much. My eyes are swollen from crying and my stomach hurts wondering if this is it, if some horrible health issue is going to rob me of the only remaining sibling I have left. Very real possibilities. When he got a clean bill of health three years ago, I was surprised, and relieved, but a lot has changed since then and I am sick with worry.

You know that one stubborn family member who would rather risk his/her own hearing than go to the emergency room for a horrible ear infection?! That’s my brother. Not once, not twice, but three times. The first time he did it, he did lose significant hearing in his left ear because he waited an extra day before going to the ER. The last ear infection was so bad that he now accuses me of raising my voice when I speak at a normal tone. I can whisper, he’ll say I yelled.

Today is not about me. Today is about praying for my brother and what he is going through. It is me praying that he did not have a heart attack and isn’t in congestive heart failure, and that nothing more is going on, though I suspect there is based on what he is saying hurts. Both of my Grandfathers died from heart attacks, but one died at 40, leaving behind a wife, a fifteen year old, and a five year old. My brother started taking aspirin several years ago to “prevent” that from happening to him, but he made no other changes that could have been beneficial. That’s why I’m scared for him, and that’s why I’m sick to death over this.

I will half-heartedly do some important things that need to be done this morning into the early afternoon hours, but after that, I am forcing his ass to the hospital, even if I have to drag him there by his balls. He usually hallucinates when they medicate him, so that would mean being told rather loudly that I am “trying to pull out his IV” or “embarrassing him” when all I’m doing is sitting quietly, or pacing the hall outside a room. I will spend the evening waiting to hear what his prognosis is.

No matter what you believe in, I ask that you say a little prayer today. No one deserves to lose a loved one and no one as young as my brother deserves to go through this.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Regardless Of What Challenge You Are Facing…

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“Regardless of what challenge you are facing right now, know that it has not come to stay. It has come to pass. During these times, do what you can with what you have, and ask for help if needed. Most importantly — never surrender. Put things in perspective. Take care of yourself. Find ways to replenish your energy, strengthen your faith, and fortify yourself from the inside out. There is a power in you that is stronger than anything that you are facing. Go within…tap into this power. Know that you will find courage, strength, and resolve to go through any valley experiences. You have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!” —Les Brown

You Can Be The Most…

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“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don’t know it, all of that doesn’t even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It’s not like you have forever, so don’t waste any of your seconds, don’t throw even one of your moments away.” ―C. JoyBell C.

Morning “Rituals” & Fibromyalgia

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I’m sure most people have their morning “rituals”. For most people, it means waking up in search of coffee or tea. It involves the most basic of things until we know with certainty where we’re going (Work, school, the grocery store, etc.). I had a solid idea of how today would go, but instead of being asleep for a few additional hours, I am sitting here, nursing a vanilla yogurt, listening to The Script. (I do listen to them a lot, but it’s also the song that just came on.)

I HURT. I don’t know if I’m capable of lifting my arms over my head today. 😦 I’m weighing my options. Do I spend the weekend packing, doing laundry, and catching up on my DVR queue, thus leaving all my other plans aside for Monday (which means going to bed early tomorrow and getting my ass out the door at 10:00 a.m.), or do I suck it up?

When excruciating pain makes your decisions for you, it SUCKS. You simply do not know until the last-minute if you’ll make it out of the house. I really want to see a movie next weekend, but I am almost certain I won’t get to see it until Christmas Day, weather permitting. It’s the fourth time I would be missing opening weekend for this particular film, and it pisses me off. DVD’s are awesome for a movie lover such as myself, but watching something you really want to see in the movie theater is a nice 2-3 hour escape. You also save money in the long haul if the movie sucks and you choose not to purchase it on DVD or Blu-Ray. If I wake up feeling like crap on Christmas Day, there’s no way in hell I’m dragging ass to see it. Therein lies a multitude of problems because every single day of my life is like that. Full of pain, slow, sluggish, no one in their right mind would sign up for this.

If you woke up this morning and nothing hurt, be grateful. I’ve had migraines so bad that my hair hurt, and it’s only grown about an inch since I cut it over the summer. I might not have noticed if I hadn’t seen the drastic tonal difference between the blue-black color I’ve had these past few months and my roots during my Fall Color Change. It was almost the equivalent of a not-so-natural-blonde with black or brown roots, though not nearly as severe. I don’t know if I like the new color, but if I don’t, I can change it in 30 days. There are cancer patients shaving their heads, so I should be grateful to have what I do.

If you wake up and not a single joint or muscle protests, you are blessed. My body is often in a perpetual state of “Go back to bed, dumbass!” I’ve had naps more restful than most nights where I slept for 6-10 hours. I track my sleep to better help my new neurologist, so I see the dips in my sleep as a failure on my part. I tell myself I stayed up too late or that I got distracted by something/someone, etc.

When a woman says she’s “getting ready for bed”, you might see her three hours later. That is 100% me most of the time. I go through every room making sure things were done, garbage thrown away, everything in its place, etc. Last night it was a last-minute trip to the laundry room to make sure I’d put my towels in the dryer. I hadn’t, but I only remembered when I was in the bathroom washing my face. I paused mid-wash and thought “Did you ever go back into the laundry room?” This resulted in me drying my face, quickly moisturizing, and going downstairs to see that not only was the washer still full of my clean stuff, but I’d also left clean clothes in the dryer. Clearly I got distracted when I was packing clothes and books. 😦 It’s times like these when I feel like a moron.

Sleep came easy once I got out of my head, but I woke up way too early this morning because my thermostat (I don’t know where you live, but it’s fucking cold here.) decided to play games with me not once, but twice. Before going to bed, I set it on 66, knowing it would be in the 40’s overnight. Sometime around 4:00 or so, I woke up to see what the hell was going on. “Why the hell is it so hot in here??” I yelled. (Yes, I talk to myself a lot. I get the best answers.) It was hot because my thermostat reset itself to 70 degrees. I can’t breathe when it’s that hot inside and doesn’t need to be. Unless it’s in the red, my heat does not go over 68 degrees. It’s a rule. I can put on an oversized sweatshirt or hoodie, but I don’t need to be wasteful. On a semi-regular basis, my thermostat screws with me. I woke up one summer morning unable to move. I’d set the thermostat for 64 degrees, which is typically my summer temperature these days, but when I woke up it was mysteriously 52 degrees. I’d love to jokingly say “It’s ghosts!”, but there’s no spiritual presence in this house, or I’d feel it.

So here I sit, in pain, unhappy, grouchy, and probably not in the right frame of mind to deal with people in public.

Monday is another day.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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