Mental Health

All The Many Thoughts On The Winding Road

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Part of me wants to apologize for my distance, while the other part reminds me that I have been through a lot and I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I would like to believe most people understand that there’s always a reason for my lack of presence.

It’s hard to believe we are officially into Spring. These past two and a half years have been an enormous changing point for me, a challenge of mass proportions. I wish I felt it was entirely positive, but I know in my heart that certain changes are radical.

My life, prior to October 7th, no longer exists. A few people decided to disappear; people I never would have expected it from. New people are in my life, people I don’t have to explain anything to, and I am eternally grateful for this. I won’t lie; it’s hard to find out your friends of so long were never really your friends, and they secretly harbored hate for you, or actually believe a single human being deserved what happened on 10/7. As 2024 ended, I asked myself if I owed anyone an apology. The answer was NO. I stand by my decisions. It is okay to outgrow people and friendships. It is okay to let go. You can still fly, even with a slightly bent wing or two.

Most of what I intended to say here has changed since I first sat down to write this. I contemplated a complete rebrand, but the fact is; This is the brand I have established and owned for nearly my entire writing career. This brand, alongside Poison In Lethal Doses: Uncensored (Which I established in 2016, as part of Poison In Lethal Doses.), are part of an expansion to help all of this grow into something bigger, better, and smarter. It will have serious moments, but it will also showcase my sense of humor better. It’s hard to read tone, but when I talk, people get it. Unfortunately, some people misinterpret it, too. C’est la vie. I am not trying to please everyone. It’s virtually impossible, so why bother?

New information launched first to my IG Broadcast Channel, then to Buy Me A Coffee subscribers (Link is attached. The account is new-ish, and some membership spots are limited.), Patreon, and it is launched here as the final landing spot. The Broadcast Channel has a lot of audio updates, which are important. I would do them here, but haven’t yet delved into that aspect of the site. I have been busy and distracted. I am doing my best to refocus.

A new project came into my life last year, and if you’ve seen the notification from October, you know I am working on an important essay discussing and documenting what it’s like to be a Jewish woman in the diaspora. I had my project partner drop out earlier this year, without telling me, so I decided to go solo, which is what I do best. The second the stress of having to depend on another person to do their share was gone, the writing flowed smoothly, and I immediately knocked out an additional thousand words in less than an hour. I am currently eleven pages in, and I hope to get to thirty pages, or so. It is my story, a fully lived experience. The uncertainty, hate, rising antisemitism, unnecessary use of the word anti-Zionism, pogroms, attacks on every aspect of the Jewish community, and globalized threats are why it’s absolutely crucial for me to do this. For the first time in my entire career, I have the most supportive friends who can’t wait to see the finished product. No one is judging my place in the community, they are listening.

One thing I’ve been planning for the past few years has also been launched: My Etsy store. There you can find t-shirts, hats, sweatshirts, hoodies, what might be the best mug I’ve ever seen (It’s 20 ounces and heavy material. The packaging is no joke. When I opened it, I was over the moon at how stunning it came out. I had to pry it out of the box with more force than I thought necessary, and it was worth it. There are additional drink options there, as well. I am currently using the 32 ounce stainless steel water tumbler. I would buy this even if it didn’t have my logo on it. It keeps everything extremely cold. I woke up and half of the bottle was ice after eleven hours. I’ve never had anything maintain ice this well. I intentionally wanted to test it out to know it was this kind of quality, because I don’t want to promote junk. I love it!), and a nice selection of other items I’m genuinely proud of. Global shipping is offered. I handle nothing, except the original designs and customer service. Everything is made especially for you upon ordering, in your choice of colors, as applicable, and shipped to your door. I am constantly getting samples in, so if you have interest in any particular item or you have questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me there. It is linked below. Please read my listings carefully, as I am not in control of shipping charges (I personally order three items or more at a time to reduce shipping costs. I have communicated that I’d like the vendor to offer free shipping, whenever possible). I have tried to carefully choose items I felt were what I would want to see from someone like me. Most items are limited edition and will not be brought back. Inventory on certain things is extremely limited. The store intro explains that many colors are being discontinued, through no fault of my own. I will do my best to find alternative shades if you find something is unavailable.

Poison In Lethal Doses (your link is the front of the sentence) has always been important, and my logo represents a large part of what I stand for. The sword is also a pen. The ink well is Scorpion venom. Pen, sword, shield, and one of the single most deadly creatures on the planet. I intentionally chose the Gothic style lettering, because it always speaks to me. Poison In Lethal Doses, this phrase, has always been an analogy, but now it’s more. More me. More of the future. Powerful words, growth, forever changing, forever trying to be the absolute best version of myself I can be. I’m in my Red Era, and I have no time to second guess the past. It’s time to shoot forward. That’s what you’re going to see; evolution.

My goal is to make myself proud. Thank you for being on this journey with me. It has been a long time, and changes are necessary. I will be stepping into the most uncensored version of myself I’ve ever been. It is an important stepping stone. Again, thank you for being here. I appreciate your support, and always will.

“The pen is mightier than a sword, a gun, or any weapon that stands before it. At the end of the day, only one can win. Those who choose the pen know.” -Unknown

Greetings & Returns

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Today felt like a decent opportunity to hop on and try to say something of substance. It sounds great in my head, but there are no guarantees for how it flows in front of you. All I am giving for now is effort, which is better than nothing at all on a site I do all of the work on, and pay for.

There’s so much going on within the silence, which has become a disturbing form of, “normal” for my tribe, and yes, for me, as well. I made the crucial decision to let unsupportive friends, family members, and friendships go. If you haven’t heard from me, and haven’t said anything of value to me in over a year, that’s precisely where we stand. You keep being silent, and I’m going to keep myself focused on those who have stood up for me, stood with me, stood by me, and would never dare two-sides a situation they themselves have no skin in. The reality, however, is that we all have a role to play in this.

Call me crazy, but I don’t recall anyone calling President Bush on 9/12 and telling him what was proportionate, or not, after so many lives were lost on U.S. soil, so fuck those who’ve been doing this with Prime Minister Netanyahu. I am sick of messages asking me for proof. What the hell do I have to prove to you? I will cheerfully provide a list of roughly one hundred people who will be all too happy to show you, “proof”. I can’t guarantee the temperament you’ll get, but truly, I’m more than happy to pass the info along. I think it would be incredibly helpful and educational for so many to be faced with the sheer brutality. Yes, that’s partial sarcasm. Also, I’m sort of done explaining how I feel. No one has cared, and I will not pursue anything in light of this.

To get back to, “normal”, my body had a stress meltdown. I had an injury begin at the end of February. I couldn’t do anything when I needed to sleep, nor could I do much when I was completely unable to walk, dragging my leg behind me like a wounded animal. I’ve never seen my cats so terrified before. 😦 It was yet another rough patch to get through. It has returned, stopped, returned, etc. This is how stress has built up in my body to the point of a breakdown. There are many other side effects I will not discuss. Suffice to say, I am gearing up to see a new orthopedic specialist, neurologist, and a specialist who is focused on facial pain, as I officially have Trigeminal Neuralgia (It’s the plague, you just can’t see it.). I’ve had x-rays done, which rendered some new and odd results, and I have three MRIs to schedule. For now, only one was approved. It’s easier to suffer once from all three, than it is to suffer separately for each MRI, but at this point, I am gearing up to do one, unless miracles happen this month.

When it wasn’t me suffering, it was Cat. There was a terrifying incident with her and a trip to an Urgent Care vet. She is significantly better now, but will be on medication for the rest of her life. I am lucky to have had previous experience with this particular health issue. 😦 She’s not liking the special diet she needs to be on, which I kind of expected might be an issue. She’s extremely picky as it is, and smart enough to pick around the new food to only eat what she likes. I have watched her spit pieces onto the floor or into her water dish. I’ve eliminated two brands, but have been lucky to find others which don’t require a prescription. I want to keep her healthy and avoid issues moving forward. I know this is not something I did or caused, but it is definitely difficult from an emotional standpoint. When she’s stubbornly fought me on food, I have been frustrated by the waste. The vet did not make this any easier on me. Medicating her initially required an extra set of hands. I have always said she takes the most liberties with me because I’m the person she’s had every day of her life since she was twelve weeks old. She fights me, dodges me, avoids me, and has not spent much time with me since this all began, but she slowly began to realize that she wasn’t being hurt, and that the medication made her feel better. She also gained weight she had initially lost, so I am hoping for good results moving forward. I am happy she is starting to socialize again and check in on me.

It’s been a trying year, an emotional year, and one where I’ve definitely felt alone and abandoned by people I thought would be in my life, for the rest of my life. I silently said goodbye to people, because I will not tolerate blatant antisemitism, nor will I tolerate selfishness, people who cannot listen, people who talk over me, and people who don’t understand that an apology has layers. I don’t miss an ounce of the drama others brought forth.

2024 has not turned out as planned, and that’s understandable. There are much bigger plans in motion, huge projects (One was announced in June. I will share it here soon.), and I am SO excited to share it all, as it unfolds. For now, I can truly say I am walking into my Red Era. Join the Broadcast Channel on Instagram (It’s linked.), which is where all members receive exclusive content, early announcements, and more. Hope to see you there. XO, L

copyright © 2024 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author. This authors’ work and personal photos are protected under U.S. and International copyright laws. Further protection is under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

All The Messy Shit (At Least It’s Honest)

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If you’ve wondered where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to, Instagram was probably a good place to start. I wasn’t posting too much of the personal journey, which is ongoing, but I was active enough to make a dent in this crazy world of balancing life with social media activity.

When it comes I writing, I have a few partially started pieces (and multiple manuscripts), but I didn’t get very far with anything because I’ve been distracted, sick, and trying to live. The living part is where things get tricky. The art of balancing means I’ve been close to hitting my head many times.

No matter what you may or may not be going through, it’s important to know who is on your side. Over the past year, I’ve watched my circle shrink to a dot. Nothing I say here is anything I will not, or have not, said to someone’s face. Establishing hardcore boundaries showed me who was going to ride things out with me, and who wasn’t. I’m okay. I’m mentally prepared to cut off family members, empty friendships, and anything and anyone who is unhealthy or toxic. People are going to be surprised, but I am ready for this next chapter. My patience is gone. My temper is at an all-time high. I am never one hundred percent sure what is going to come out of my mouth, and I’ve been super honest about this.

Part of my silence here is because my life is changing and for a long time, I felt like I was losing my identity. It felt as though someone had erased my accomplishments, wiped things clean, and took me along with them. It is a horrible feeling. I’m struggling, and I have exactly two people who are aware of what is going on. It feels like a burden; a two person support system. It makes me even angrier, because I listen to everyone with a genuine heart. I answer texts and e-mails. I take calls, even when I would prefer not to. I’m hurting, and that’s actually kind of dangerous because I am dealing with so much narcissistic selfishness that it’s borderline unfathomable, and I do not use this expression lightly.

I wear many hats and titles, some more important than others, but as a writer, you never want to lose your purpose for speaking up and speaking out. You will have occasional ups and downs, because that is life in a nutshell, but lifting yourself back up into your role, and your gift, well, it’s been difficult for me. It is important to talk about it, to address it, and to remember you only compete against yourself. No one else on this planet has what I have to offer. There’s a reason for everyone’s unique perspective. It is a Divine gift.

Someone suggested I put one word in front of the other, and just keep going. They weren’t in the same room with me when they said this, or I would have tossed them out the closest window. It came off so dismissive. Two days later, I had someone else be even more dismissive with me, and I returned from that interaction sick as a dog.

Covid has taught me that I am actually sickened by people in all kinds of situations, large or small, and would prefer to keep things as small and as private as humanly possible. Some things are too damn precious to share. I am adjusting to this knowledge, while honoring my very real feelings on this matter.

When everything is “officially” reopened next month, I will still be taking precautions. I am going to prioritize my safety, and the safety of my family. I am going to put my mental and emotional health first. I am not going to jump into anything, because the cast iron skillet isn’t ever safe. It’s not about fear or paranoia; it’s about common sense. The world has changed. So have I; for the better.

Life is chaotic and messy, but I’m looking forward towards all the beauty coming my way. I’m going to absorb all of it, privately. In peace. And yeah, I will write about things, because it’s what I do.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author. Excerpts and quotes from author material also requires consent. This authors’ work and personal photos are protected under U.S. and International copyright laws. Further protection is under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.