Friday, How I’ve Missed You

2015-08-072015-08-07 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Editing, Fibromyalgia, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Back Pain, Chronic Pain, Editing, Fibromyalgia, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Self-Care, Spine Pain, Weekends, Writing

I don't feel or think all of these things, but I know many people who do. — I don’t feel or think all of these things, but I know many people who do.

I have come to cherish my weekends like a newborn baby. The arrival of Friday makes me feel less guilty about self-care. This week in particular, I need it.

Early yesterday evening, I had a coughing fit come out of nowhere. In the midst of said coughing fit, I felt something in my upper spine pop. The sound resounded through the room. My immediate thought was “This is NOT good.” Already in a pretty harsh Fibro flare, I did NOT want or need to add to the pain I was already in. My brain kept saying “I can’t believe you hurt yourself coughing! Why can’t you have a more interesting way of causing your body excruciating pain?!” 😦 Don’t worry, I shut that fucker up.

Less than an hour or so later, I was in bed. On top of being exhausted, I could already feel that this sudden pop was going to make things worse for me for a few days. As I sit here writing this, the pain has escalated immensely between 6:45 last night and now. Moving my neck too much is completely out of the question. I’m contemplating Icy Hot. I already took over-the-counter pain medication, whatever good that will do, but I’d rather attempt to treat it as opposed to doing nothing at all. I know it’s going to be achy and sore for a few days. I just need to allow myself proper rest so that it doesn’t get worse.

I had planned on getting some editing done today. I have decided to limit it to a chapter once my neck loosens up and isn’t screaming in agony. Hell, I’ll do two chapters if I feel okay, but no more than that because I don’t want all that sitting and neck movement to aggravate this and make it worse than it already is, and it’s pretty fucking bad. If I feel better tomorrow, I can do another 2-3 chapters and so on. Hopefully that means I will finally rid myself of this ~~nightmare~~ manuscript, for good. It’s a first edit of a fourth draft. I suspect it will need 2-3 additional rounds of editing, but if I am asked to do additional work on it, I absolutely MUST price it better because it’s tormented me from day one and explaining that to my client in a nice way is -cough- difficult because this client isn’t a very good listener.

If you’ve never been edited before and you’re worried about how long it takes, not understanding the editing process and how thorough I am, then think about how long it took you to write it. If you tell me “I wrote this in three months.”, I already know it’s going to be full of issues. This manuscript is full of issues, and it is also one of the reasons that I want to focus on my work, which probably does have some issues in it, but if nothing else, it is predominantly clean and flows beautifully. I know this because I’ve been writing it for five years. I also know it flows beautifully because the last time I read it, I was so caught up in the story, I forgot that I was the writer. Color me impressed. 🙂

I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, but I did sleep. I was unable to take the 9:00 a.m. nap I thought about yesterday morning, mostly because I was in a lot of pain, have a lot on my mind, and couldn’t get comfortable. On the plus side, I did fall asleep pretty quickly last night and I slept soundly for nearly three hours before I heard my phone buzzing. If I don’t leave it on vibrate, any ringtone will make me come right out of my skin or it will make me yell at whomever is calling. After listening to the other person for damn near 30 minutes, I practically growled and hung up. It’s not wise to talk to me after a certain time when I’m A) Still in sleep mode and B) Hungry. It’s like trying to negotiate a ceasefire with a dragon. I’m not exaggerating, I’m aware when I am unpleasant.

Do you have anything special planned this weekend? Do you feel guilty when you have to prioritize your health over the demands of others? Let me know in the comments.

Have a safe, pain-free, pleasant weekend. If it can’t be all three, aim for one positive thing.

Writing Is The Best Way…

Image 2015-08-07 Miss Poison Images/Photos/Quotes, Writing Images/Photos/Quotes, Interrupted, Jules Renard, Talk, Writing

Pain Levels

2015-08-06 Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Pain, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Agony, Allergies, Chronic Pain, Fibro Flares, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Pain, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

I’m sitting here, minding my own business, and my pain levels shot from a 4 to a solid 15 in just a few minutes. Has this happened to anyone else out of nowhere?

Not being in complete control of your own body is HELL. I cannot see past the blinding pain that starts in my neck and spreads down the body, right into my toes. It’s terrifying and nauseating. The strongest thing I have to “fight” this is two Aleve. Yeah, I know. I might as well just call in dead.

No one should have to live like this, except maybe Hitler, members of the Taliban, religious extremists, and terrorists. Give me a few hours, I can probably think of other people to add to the list.

I am off to procure Benadryl cream for the “itch that refuses to stop”. It’s only my eye… It’s not like I need it or anything. <rolls eyes>

Is a 9:00 a.m. nap completely pathetic? I am sending someone an e-mail to wake me at a reasonable hour. This shit has GOT to stop!

Pissed Off, Pained, & Frustrated,

Sleep, Pain, & Stress

2015-08-062015-08-06 Miss Poison Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Allergies, Fibromyalgia, Insomnia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Pain, Sleep, Stress, Trauma, Writing

Sleep doesn’t come easily for me these days. In fact, I often wonder how long I can function without sleep. Seemingly I can only sleep when I’m sick, upset, or exhausted beyond words. No one likes wasting time staring at the ceiling. Tossing and turning for hours is overrated and I’m not going to do it.

Over the weekend, in the midst of two straight days of research, I kept waking up to write additional notes. I already had about 40 pages of thorough, detailed notes. Apparently I am an overachieving planner. If I had a question, I immediately consulted my phone for the info so I could jot it down. If I had a new thought or idea, I got out of bed and consulted the appropriate chapter in the notebook I am using. It was in those brief moments where I realized that it wasn’t just lack of sleep, but OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) rearing its ugly head.

I’m not one to joke about things of that nature, but I am quick enough to see the signs within myself. It’s not textbook, it’s obsessively writing notes and planning, and there are other things I’ve been doing lately that are simply not me, but are happening just the same. If you’ve experienced repetitive forms of trauma in your life, especially when they haven’t been treated properly, or at all, other things can start surfacing.

OCD in varying degrees runs in my family. I used to think my Grandmother was nuts, always checking the stove to make sure the gas was off, even if she hadn’t used it, and making sure that every window was locked before leaving the house, even if she hadn’t opened them. It drove me insane, but now I see I have things I do before I leave the house that are similar. I don’t check my stove or windows religiously, but do I lock the door a certain way? Yes. Are there other things I do each day that come across as OCD in nature? Yes. I’ve never seen them as anything other than faith, cleaning, or “it’s better to be safe than sorry”, but now I am starting to see it for what it truly is There is no doubt in mind.

I have a ‘before bed’ routine that I’ve always considered ‘good skin care’ and/or ‘good hygiene’ as opposed to ‘ritual’. Most people simply go to bed. I spend at least 30-120 minutes “getting ready for bed”.

Last night I decided no computer, no e-mail, no reading, no checking my phone. Absolutely NO wasting time. I did one part of the ‘before bed’ routine, recycled a bottle of mouthwash, and got into bed. No muss, no fuss. I fell asleep once it was quiet and my brain was able to shut the hell up. Unfortunately, I went to bed a little too early, because here I sit, and it’s not even 5:15 a.m EDT. No sane person wants to get up at 4:00 in the morning unless they have to be somewhere. I thought it was later than it was, but it’s not. In my attempt to get a healthy amount of “normal” sleep, I ended up confusing my body, myself, and cat and kitten, who both think it’s breakfast time because that’s what I do when I wake up in the morning; I prioritize their immediate needs. The birds are chirping, so other living beings are awake, but all I can do is sit here in a panicked state.

I woke up from a nightmare and it’s stressing me out. After checking the time, refilling water bowls, checking the thermostat (It’s unbelievably hot in here, but the thermostat says 64 degrees. Yeah, I’m not buying it either!) and making sure that dry food in readily available to my little ladies, I returned to my room and turned my computer on for the first time in well over 15 hours.

In my attempt to decompress and de-stress, I am trying to be on the computer during daylight hours only. By 7:00 PM, the only way I’m going to check e-mail is via my tablet. Nothing is SO important that it cannot wait. The app for my phone that allows me to check e-mail is also turned off, so even if I wanted to check or sneak a peek at incoming messages, I’m intentionally not allowing myself to read them. I started implementing this a few days ago to see if I could disengage. I know it will eventually allow me to sleep better at night.

Pain, the constant ‘companion’ that is Fibromyalgia has been both restless and lurking beneath the surface, flaring up at inconvenient moments that cause me to get into bed for no apparent reason in the middle of the day, thus insuring I will not be able to sleep at night. I’d gone a few days without taking OTC pain medication of any kind, but I am still in pain. My body still hurts. My muscles scream for pain relief. And my allergies are so bad, it’s hard to function without wanting to rip my skin off. My face has only recently stopped burning. My eyes, however, are driving me insane and I am pretty sure my nails have scratched a path from the middle of one hand to below my wrist. My eye drops are not working and the Benadryl cream I’ve used is a temporary fix, at best. 😦

I wish I had something incredibly thought-provoking or witty to interject with, but I don’t. I have no pearls of wisdom to share, not even a splash of humor. I’m stunned into silence, unhappy in ways I cannot communicate. One of the worst parts of unhappiness is knowing that there are people who relish in your misery. They drink it as if it’s their morning coffee, because it makes them feel better about their own lives. It’s so negative and evil that the thought makes me sick. But I can handle assholes. In fact, I can handle everything I don’t believe I can handle. I just wish I remembered why I have to keep handling it at all. 😦

Double Living

Image 2015-08-05 Miss Poison Images/Photos/Quotes, Writing Catherine Drinker Bowen, Images/Photos/Quotes, Living, Writing

Come Look For Me If I’m Too Quiet

2015-08-03 Miss Poison Change, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Rebirth, Writing Changes, Creative Freedom, Editing, Focus, Happiness, Misery, Musings, New Beginnings, Pieces Of Me, Quiet, Rebirth, Work, Writing

Mondays. They are the bane of my existence. I get sick by 8:00 PM nearly every Sunday evening, knowing that Monday is only a few short hours away. I have a sneaking suspicion I should only work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Perhaps I shall rename the week days altogether. I’m starting to suspect that an insulated cave with WiFi and food delivery is the way to go, something very “off the grid”, so to speak. I’m not entirely sure the world is capable of handling me on any level.

I desperately want quiet. True peace, true silence. I hid in my bathroom while my neighbor did the landscaping on my property and mowed next door. Why? Because it was the only place where I didn’t have to hear the roar of the riding mower and the drill saw sound of the trimmer. By the time he was finished, which wasn’t very long, I thought the migraine was going to send me to the emergency room, begging to be put out of my misery. That was Saturday night. This morning, I don’t feel that much better, though I can say the pain has shifted and is no longer trying to shoot itself out of my skull. Small victories.

I realized a few days ago how utterly disillusioned and unhappy I am with my line of work. If I did realize it beforehand perhaps I never voiced the truth to myself, but I’m doing it now.

Those of us who are highly creative don’t do well when we’re boxed in, and I think I may have accidentally done that to myself over the past few years. I’m done. Within the next 6-8 months, I am going to stop editing for other people. I will still beta and do critiques, I will still be present for those that want/need my knowledge and skill-set or simply want a reliable, experienced person to turn to, but I am going to be doing two things once the time-frame passes.

I will be focusing on my writing, and I will be starting something new that will allow me a great deal of creative freedom. I’d rather juggle the two than be miserable for the rest of my life. Misery is unacceptable, so it is high time for a transitional rebirth. I’m sure I will be met with some negativity here and there, but ultimately I am the one that has to be happy and this is a way for me to achieve that in some small fashion, or perhaps a very large way. I won’t know until I dive in.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Once you’re able to see the full vision of “Why is this happening?”, you’re almost grateful because it lets you know how strong you are and how much you can handle without going utterly batshit crazy. I am counting my blessings, of which there are many, and thanking God for who and what I am today.

I will still be writing, but hopefully the mood will shift. While I will always be open and honest about migraines, Fibromyalgia, depression, suicide, and other things I deem important to discuss, it’s also crucial that I have more time to focus on my fictional work in order to speed up the publishing process.

I am planning a YouTube channel and some other things that some of you may or may not appreciate, but will have access to all the same. So yes, there will be some changes up the road, but I am embracing it all because I’m tired of dulling my shine to make other people feel more at ease.

Many people told me that when I was ready, it would be time to focus on myself exclusively. They assured me it wasn’t selfishness, but about prioritizing my needs over that of being dutiful. I’m ready.

Here’s to new beginnings… Cheers!

The Moon Brings Out The Loons

2015-08-022015-08-02 Miss Poison Honesty, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Chronic Pain, Honesty, Migraines, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

“Sometimes the most powerful person in the room is filled with senseless doubt.” -Lisa M. Marino

Normally I don’t comment on the lunacy of the Full Moon, but this Blue Moon? Good Lord, it’s brought out the crazy!

There are very few people in the past two weeks who have not lost their mind and said something ridiculous beyond words to me, outright started a fight, or got uppity with me. It’s quite interesting how obsessed, self-absorbed, and repressed some people are. It’s even more interesting to me when anyone comes at me with newborn kitten claws and expects me not to have fangs. Cat and kitten are smarter than 99% of the people I know. That’s not my opinion, it’s a proven fact based on the behavioral patterns of the past two weeks.

I live by some very simple rules when it pertains to certain things.

#1- I do not apologize unless I am 100% in the wrong and truly sorry about it. I’m not going to apologize because someone misunderstood me when I was clear and concise and feels “hurt”. Take the whining somewhere else; compassion is not my strong suit. You cannot guilt me into an apology when I did nothing wrong. Victimizing yourself only irritates me.

#2- If you attack me like a child, I will sleep on it. I can be vicious and it is not beneath me to hit back hard, but some people simply aren’t worth the effort.

#3- Temper your words. It’s not always necessary to come out guns blazing. If someone brings a knife to a metaphorical gun fight though, all bets are off.

I, myself, have had a rough week. One bad day became three migraines and a horrible Fibro flare that sent me into a tailspin. And now? The remnants of Migraine #10. That is 10 full-blown migraines in five days. Chronic Migraine is classified as 15 or more headache days per month. I’ve had five days of multiple migraines, because apparently one isn’t enough.

Chronic Migraine is considered “chronic” if you experience 8 migraines in one month, but have 15 headache days that make it unbearable to function. What the hell does a person have to do to get some relief? Being told I “don’t actually have migraines” when I’ve had them since 1997 is an immense slap in the face. Perhaps one might like to explain the ice picks in my head and all the other lovely side effects of a migraine that have gotten worsen as I’ve gotten older. Clean MRI’s means it’s not my imagination, that it is indeed migraines.

I thought my very first migraine was the absolute worst. It went on for a week, it was probably the most horrific thing I had physically experienced up to that point, and that doesn’t even include the injuries I acquired in sports, so by my calculations, that means it was off-the-charts BAD.

I would never take migraine medication if I was merely experiencing the occasional headache. There is an immense difference between migraines, tension headaches, sinus headaches, and regular headaches. None of these things are “normal”, but I would never denounce someone else’s pain and dismiss it. When people tell others that “pain is weakness leaving the body” or other such anecdotes, I would like them to experience the suffering many of us experience daily for a few hours. They would come away singing a whole other tune, that much I’m sure of. No one who suffers from any form of chronic pain needs to be told there’s nothing wrong with them or that it’s “all in their head”. It’s disrespectful.

I hope everyone is having a healthy, positive, pain-free weekend. I’m simply taking things hourly. I can’t function on a grander scale at the moment.

Blue Moon

2015-07-312015-07-31 Miss Poison Blue Moon, July, Wicca, Writing Aquarius, Blue Moon, Full Moon, July, Wicca, Writing

Tonight is a Blue Moon. The Blue Moon occurs when there are 2 Full Moons within the same month. The name Blue Moon comes from an ancient word which is “Belewe Moon”, meaning Betrayer Moon. Monthly Moon phases were each given names to prepare for various types of weather and crop rotations, so the extra Full Moon in a month would confuse people, thus giving it the name Betrayer Moon.Tonight’s Full Moon is rising in the constellation of Aquarius. There is so much happening around this Moon in terms of once-in-a-lifetime type chances. It’s as if we are all on the edge of something so big and we have to make the decision to take the path we’ve always taken, or jump into the territory of new possibilities.

This Full Moon in Aquarius is about celebrating our individuality, our little quirks that make us different from everybody else. Let your creativity come out. Do something a little different, dress a little differently, wear your hair a little differently, rebel against the norm. Take a walk on the weird side of life.

Our minds will be clear and uncluttered, we will be able to see things as they really are, we can take off our rose-colored glasses and take a good look at ourselves and the world around us as it is, not how we want it to be. This will also have us asking ourselves if we are happy with where we are and what we’re doing.

As amazing as this Moon will be, and necessary, it’s going to be one that challenges us on every single level. In the build up to this lunar event we may have been feeling restless, or have had an excess of nervous energy. Our pulses may have been racing, and it may have been harder for us to relax or fall asleep at night. Our spirits can sense that we are on the verge of something big, but it’s up to us to initiate change. We are on the threshold of having massive pieces of the puzzle collide.There may be big changes or upsets in the status quo during the next several weeks. We may find ourselves acting in ways that only a few weeks ago, we never thought possible, but Aquarius is lighting a fire inside of our hearts and daring us to break the boundaries that have held us back for far too long.

While we may feel anxious at all of the possible changes being presented to ourselves, know that the universe won’t bring us anything we aren’t ready for. The truth of it is there is no such thing as the perfect time, so now is as good a time as any.

Everything that we have been going through the past year has been leading up to this Moon. It’s the time of infinite possibilities, of desires bubbling over and manifesting themselves in our lives in ways we never thought possible. No matter what has come in or out of our lives in the past few years, once in a while we are given the chance to have everything we’ve always wanted, we just have to make the choice now to not let it go.

Because certain chances only come around once in a Blue Moon.

Written credit goes to Wicca Teachings.

Photo credit goes to Various.

Skype Conversations: Part I

2015-07-31 Miss Poison Humor, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Conversations, Humor, Men, Poison In Lethal Doses, Skype, Women

Him: Hey babe, what are you doing?

Me: Trying to draw Kylie Jenner’s lips.

Him: WHO?

Me: It requires more lip liner than five people have ever tried using in the 90’s.

Him: Is this a friend I haven’t met?

Me: No. Why?

Him: Well, there’s nothing wrong with your lips, so I don’t understand why you’re still drawing… What the hell did you do to them?

Me: I just told you: Kylie Jenner, lip liner. See?

Him: You don’t need lip liner, you have full lips.

Me: Excuse me?

Him: That’s a good thing- for a woman. You know, ’cause they thin with age.

Me: Learn that in a textbook, did you? (wipes off liner and lip balm)

Him: How did this go so badly so quickly?

Me: Don’t ask me why I’m doing something weird at 2:00 in the morning when I can’t sleep.

Him: Okay. How was your day?

Me: I do not recall, but whatever happened I am sure it led to the insanity of people believing that lip liner and lip injections could ever be similar.

Him: You’ve completely lost me…

Me: You heard me.

Him: You did NOT get lip injections. Tell me you didn’t do something so stupid.

Me: No, I did not get lip injections or they’d be visibly swollen, but thanks ever so much for letting me know that somewhere in my future is thin lips. At least something will be perfectly thin.

Him: I think I have a headache. Why are writers so difficult?

Me: I’m sorry, did you mumble something?

Him: Who, me?

Voice Mail

2015-07-302015-07-30 Miss Poison Humor, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Humor, Musings, Phone Calls, Poison In Lethal Doses, Voice Mail, Writing

I was checking voice mail messages a little while ago. I find it oddly disturbing that there is a message from 3:09 a.m. No, it was not a booty call. It was actually from my brother, which would make the whole “booty call” thing extremely bizarre, but I’ll leave that one for an episode of Maury. There was noise in the background and him saying “Oh, no problem.” to someone and then he says “Hello? Well, if you get this message can you call me back?” He could have been calling anyone, there was nothing definitive about who he might be talking to. There was no “Hey sis…” or anything normal. Granted, nine out of ten messages I leave for him sound parental and stern. They usually involve the words “Rude”, “Asshole”, “Un-fucking-believable!”, and/or “Call me back immediately!” That’s what happens when you ignore text messages, e-mails, and phone calls for 3-6 hours and were supposed to be here for dinner at 7:00. It could also just mean he’s being a moron.

Message #2 was from a health insurance company. I changed my phone number five months ago and yet, I am constantly getting calls for the family that had the number prior to me. I called my phone company within a few hours of having the number and said “I’m being flooded with calls and haven’t given my number to anyone yet, what the hell?!” I was not happy. Their response was “Give it a week and if it doesn’t stop, we will change the number for you for free.”

I have told this health insurance company no less than four times that “Eric” is not at this number because it is now MINE. They told me each time that they’d “reflect that in the system”, and yet I’ve received two calls in the past 24 hours, for “Eric”. I am determined to tell them to stop calling here the next time I catch them in the act. How often does a health insurance company obsessively try to track you down these days? They’re not calling for any Eric I know, and I can glean that from the last name they used.

That’s just my landline.

I’ve had my cell phone number for seven months. The new number came with the new phone my brother gifted me for Chanukah. Nine out of ten calls that come in are NOT for me.

At least three times a week I get a recorded call letting me know I have won A) a cruise, B) a free vacation, or C) Some material item. I think it was an iPad this week, it’s usually something along those lines. Less than eight seconds into each call, I delete the message.

I’ve “won a free honeymoon” twice. One was back in 2008. Not only am I not engaged, but I never entered any of these contests. One of my old wedding magazine subscriptions enrolled me in a contest I knew nothing about, so when a relationship ended and I “won a free honeymoon” a few months later, I was sorely tempted to grab my nearest male friend and say “Let’s go honey!” I didn’t because fraud is fraud, but I was tempted. Now the idea of going to certain places makes me nauseous. Curacao? Nope. Aruba? Hell no. The Bahamas. No, but by all means, send me a postcard.

The messages that most annoy me aren’t the ridiculous ones though, they’re the ones from friends and family that forget they’re A) Not talking to an answering machine and B) Act as though I have no idea who they are. They often start with “Hi sweetie, it’s so-and-so.” I.know.who.you.are. I promise. My brain is not addled. My Great-Aunt Alice used to call (very rarely) and would always say “Do you know who this is?” She did it when I was little, so to hear it when I was in my 20’s really wasn’t cute. Don’t think for a second I wasn’t tempted to A) Hang up on her or B) Tell her “No, who the hell is this?” I didn’t though because I was raised with manners. Factor in Caller ID and unless it says Unknown or is a number I truly don’t recognize, I know exactly who is calling. No need to be formal; leave a message, I’ll call you back.

A month or two before my Uncle passed away I called to see how he was doing. He answered and after saying “Hi Uncle Bobby, how are you?” he said “Who the hell is this?” Mind you, he had exactly ONE niece, so I didn’t feel the need to follow the hello up with a name to give him assistance, but when we got off the phone I sat and thought “At least when I call my Aunt, she doesn’t need to know who I am.” I once told someone in her office, upon leaving an emergency message, that “She only has one niece, I think she can keep track!” It didn’t sound snippy at the time, but hindsight is 20/20. Most people know my voice, so they don’t need to be told who it is. Plus, they can look at their Caller ID too, it’s not rocket science.

Do you get any weird phone calls or voice mail messages that amuse or annoy you?