The Darkness Follows

butterflies

Hello everyone! Before I say more, I’d like to take a moment to welcome all the newcomers that have hopped on board in the last week or so, and especially anyone that has taken the time to read and comment. It’s been absolutely lovely to see. 🙂

I don’t know if everyone experiences moments of deep, dark holiday related depression, but mine came out of nowhere yesterday afternoon. I had just finished reading a book in my attempt to keep fasting and distract myself, but I was suddenly hit with a blast that made me get back into bed for a few minutes, smack dab at 3:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve never spoken about it here, but I lost both of my parents a little over six years ago. I jokingly refer to myself as an orphan, but the truth is, I honestly feel like one. The few close family members I have, outside of my brother, are too far away to go and see for the holidays, or even just for the weekend. I don’t have the energy for 2-3 days trips, I like to be “away-away”, for a good 10 days, usually taking a flight home in the evening so I get to stay put a little bit longer before having to return to the daily grind. The rest of my family? If I could be paid for their level of abandonment, disrespect, rudeness, ignorance, and everything else they lack as “people”, and I use that word so loosely they should be able to hang themselves with it, then I’d be walking around in Iron Man suits, all made out of platinum. I wish that were an exaggeration. It isn’t. I am embarrassed to share bloodlines with these people. I hope none of them ever need a bodily organ where I am the sole match because I wouldn’t be able to do it. It’s very easy for me to be a good person, but if you’ve treated me like I am less than you are do to some misguided idea in your head, or you’ve blatantly disrespected me, simply for existing, then it is very easy for me to say “Fuck You”. When people push you to the point where you feel complete and utter anger, even after trying to work through that, and you’ve lost the ability to care, for me, that’s the end. I don’t care if I ever see any of them again, because that would actually be too soon for me to be nice.

Not having close friends or family nearby sucks. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me, but yesterday, I would have given ANYTHING to be at my Grandmother’s table to break fast in our family’s traditional way. Alas, I had my brother, but I’m a step away from selling him to a country of my choosing. I love my brother, but he gets on my nerves quickly. I don’t have a lot of patience to begin with and I can’t always listen to chatter.

I can’t explain that moment of dark depression that swept over me. Yesterday evening I had to force myself out of the house and run an errand. It was either that, or starve. For a good hour or so, I was committed to the starvation idea, but because it’s been a rough year for me, I pushed through, got my groceries, and came home. If I could have gone someplace last night and actually enjoyed it, I would have, but I knew I would be paying for all the physical activity of the week.

For the first time in a while, I was able to go to bed early and get damn near 10 straight hours of sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was shocked and delighted. I was even more surprised that it wasn’t 2:00 PM, but I always get a bit discombobulated before the Full Moon. Today, I have given myself time, space, permitted myself NOT to work, and have allowed myself to the enjoy the little bits of sweetness that reside with me. My fuzzy girls are happy, healthy, content, and there’s no more hissing. That’s a LOT of progress in such a short period of time, but it makes me feel good.

My Fibromyalgia has been a beast this week, and I pushed it hard. I came home last night with neck and shoulder pain, and my lower back is screaming for relief. Massage is one of the only things that truly helps, so I just might treat myself to one in advance of my birthday later this month. If I’m not good to me, no one else will be either.

So, that’s my little update for the weekend. I hope everyone has been able to enjoy family, friends, and really nice weather. I hope no one else was struck by that darkness that is desperately trying to follow me into this new week. Truth be told, I understand it better than anyone I know, and I am aware of what it is, I’d just much prefer not to allow myself to go there and feed the demons. Absolutely nothing is going to make me its bitch.

I will back back soon with a piece I’ve been working on for a few days, one I hope people will like and appreciate. In the meantime, be good to those you love.

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Saying Goodbye To September…

September always sneaks up on me unpleasantly, kind of like the holiday season (If I see one more Christmas decoration, I’ll flip my lid!). I’m never fully prepared for it and I am always happy to see it go.

October is my favorite month of the year. It reminds me of very happy times in my life, and is always the lead-in to my birthday towards the end of the month. Unfortunately, my last few birthdays have completely and utterly sucked. I have decided to have absolutely no expectations whatsoever this year, other than the firm knowledge that I have to make some important decisions within the next two years and should probably invest in prolonging what’s left of my youth.

I am still recovering from my marathon editing session. We will not discuss how badly I ended up injuring myself by not getting up a few times each hour to stretch, or taking a moment to check and correct my posture when I got stressed. I’m halfway done, so I’m feeling good about that. I wish sitting wasn’t quite so painful though. I’ve learned my lesson. Sometimes, less truly is more. Also, all those naps I didn’t want to take as a child…

As adults one thing we all want desperately is a good night’s sleep (and to win the lottery), but as children, we think sleeping means we’re missing out on something. I always felt that way as a child, but now, I’m wishing I’d napped more, so I wouldn’t be so unbelievably exhausted now. And so, I have decided that in my next life, I’m coming back as a cat.

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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Leaves me be Mommy, I’m snuggly and warm. 

Are You Working Hard, Or Hardly Working?

Do you ever find yourself utterly dizzy reading what you’ve written, or even the work of a fellow writer? If so, welcome to the club!

I have been editing for a client for three days now. At the rate I’m going, I will be done next week. All I will say about it is that the story is very good and I’d buy it. It’s nice to work on something I’d never write, but that I’m highly knowledgeable about. (Special thanks to the New York City Public Education system for always telling me, year after year, that I should be a police detective. Higher honors and thanks to the NYPD for all my forensics knowledge.) I never know how my brain works, until someone presents me with a question or ideas and suddenly, out of nowhere, the answers come flying out of my mouth. It’s a little scary. The fact that I know some of this stuff is probably the reason I DVR’d “How To Get Away With Murder” last night. Did anyone else see it?

Here’s something that bothers me: You take all kinds of shit as a writer. Criticism and stupid comments are the least of my concerns. Over time, you realize that a lot of the catty comments that get sent in your direction are actually jealousy manifesting itself. You start seeing people distance themselves from you, and it all comes down to one thing: No one likes knowing that someone else is better than they are at something. I have no idea why people cannot be supportive, why they can’t just be happy for you, or why they have to be so competitive. There is room in this world, both physically and literally, for all of us. IKEA, Target, and Walmart can always make more bookshelves, so please don’t compete with every writer you know, just “do you”. That means, write what you know and write it well, and then take it out into the universe and sell that motherfucker for all it is worth.

In turn, you’ll be able to answer the age old question: Are you working hard, or hardly working?

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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A Good Night’s Sleep

Four solid hours of sleep, edited four pages for a potential client, and just found out a few minutes ago that I have the job. Yay!

Tonight is the start of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year (Believe it or not, I know plenty of people who don’t know this, so that is why I said it.). While not the world’s most observant Jewess, especially when you factor in that I am also Wiccan, the New Year always helps me get spiritually centered for what’s to come.

Life is a fucking battlefield on so many levels, and it is true: Only the strong survive. In this, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be so damn strong. It would be nice to occasionally kick back and let someone else handle the crap. Alas, if you want something done right, you’d better do it yourself.

I won’t be celebrating traditionally or with a house full of family, but I will have two people with me to help me honor my ancestry, and I have friends who will be lighting candles from their end to help me out.

From me to all of you, whether you celebrate or not, may the coming year bring you an abundance of sweetness & serenity. 🙂 L’Shana Tovah!

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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You Never Know How Many Books You Own Until…

You Never Know How Many Books You Own Until…

Go ahead, ask me what I do at 3:00 a.m. when I can’t sleep? Apparently today, organize my bookcases was high up on the list. I have no idea why because they’re all behind my couch and I don’t look at them much, but after uncovering a storage container FULL of books I have not laid eyes on since 2008 a few weeks ago, I’ve been on a bit of a mission.

If you’re like me, it’s not enough that they be neat and organized on a shelf. No, you go so far as to alphabetize them by author, and separate them by genre. I started with the Kabbalah books and all things Judaic, and worked my way to Dark Urban Fantasy. Don’t ask me to explain that since it’s an odd order, but I can say it wasn’t long before I was six feet in the air cleaning off shelves so as to store my first edition hard covers that I love so dearly. I am currently stuck on the letter H. Mind you, I have to get from H all the way to T in order to be “done”. Then, I move on to DVD’s to accompany some of the books. I suppose it’s a good thing that not everyone has a TV show or movie right now, or I’m pretty sure I’d be doing this until the year 2020. All embarrassing books I will never admit to having read and have absolutely no knowledge of have been donated to my local library. Trust me, they made out like bandits.

If I wrote as much as I read, I’d be able to…well, never mind what I’d be able to do.

Later today I will be sore and achy from all that time spent making sure I got the books in the right order. I am still missing a lot for H and I am determined to find the missing books so that I can finish my project. I will go through the books in my bedroom next and add them to “the pile” to go downstairs. I’m sure there are plenty hidden up here, stashed away like I’ll never be allowed to have another book again.

Truth be told, someone SHOULD keep the books away from me so I can return to my own fictional world and write, like I’m supposed to. 4000 words was a nice victory yesterday, but chapter 100 isn’t going to finish writing itself, so a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do. Hit the keys, and make magic happen.

Off to work I go…

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copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Addressing An Issue

I wrote something yesterday that upset someone. It might have upset more than one person, no one else said anything, but in all fairness, I did write and post it late. In reality, I know who cares about me and who doesn’t. As we’ve established, I am not an attention seeker. If I was, the drama here would be high. I really don’t have the time or the patience to be like that.

I am well aware that I am very internal, and that that can come off as me being “cryptic”. I don’t read much into that, because I say exactly what I think and what I feel. I have lost the ability of being concerned whether or not it affects someone else because my feelings are entirely my own. Most importantly, I’ve only ever seen the selfish side of the coin.

In the past, I have written about depression and suicide from a very honest stand-point, and people responded to it with e-mails that started off like this: “How could you possibly think of leaving me? What would I do without you?” It only ended up angering me. There was no “I’m here for you, what can I do?” or “I am here to listen, no matter what.”, just “How could you think of leaving me?” Those words are selfish. Being honest about your emotions is not.

It bothers people how direct I am, that there’s very little I won’t say. I find that it is important to get it out of my system, to be honest with how I feel, to be honest with myself, and if my honesty helps someone, good. I don’t sugar-coat or gloss things over. If I say I’m “fine”, I’m probably not, but you have to know me really well to hear it in my voice and know. 95% of people will hear me say I’m fine and keep talking, they are so wrapped up in themselves that my well-being is of no concern to them whatsoever. I often say I could be bleeding out of my eyeballs and no one would notice. The other day someone actually told me “I’d put a towel under you and leave you there.”, and they LAUGHED. The cruelty of such a statement isn’t fucking amusing, not by a long shot.

The last thing I ever want someone to say is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It’s not a kind thing to say, it always comes off so dismissive, and that makes me want to rip your face off. Yeah, I’m graphically visual when I’m angry, but there’s no law against it…yet.

It comes down to this: If you accept me, please accept me as I am. If you don’t, exit stage left. Being a part of my life, however large or small, comes with its benefits and rewards, but I’m not going to fake happiness for anyone or fake my emotions. That is far more exhausting to me than the truth.

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copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

Little Unknown Facts

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Very few people know this about me, but I was once a Journalism Major. I had a double major (Journalism & Creative Writing) and a double minor (Writing For Television & Languages). I was constantly writing something at the time, and I still have a lot of my notebooks even though I have since moved five times.

My “Writing For Television” professor hated me, I am convinced of this. He would show us cinematic films and ask us to write our take on each one. I had some unhappy things going on in my life at the time, so I openly admit to sleeping through most of a semester. In fairness, he was showing us a lot of crap. Until one day, he brought out the Brian de Palma film that would change my life. It is, almost certainly, one of the reasons I am still a writer all these years later.

I wrote about this film’s mastery like nobody’s business. I worked my ass off. And as a reward, the professor gave me a failing grade on the paper and told me I “was ruining the other students’ work with my subject matter, had no writing talent whatsoever, and would NEVER be a published writer.” He wanted to know how I managed to get into the class in the first place. I laughed in his face, and walked out of the room smiling. This reaction baffled him, he had a terrible superiority complex. Little did he know, I was already being published, I just didn’t advertise it. I wasn’t allowed to return to the class, but that film still brings me back to why I write, and a lot of what I want to accomplish with my writing. When I write fiction, it plays out like a movie inside my head. If I can’t see it, it’s not going to work on paper.

My Creative Writing class had a similar outcome, except that this professor liked me. She liked that I wasn’t writing the same things everyone else was, that I always thought outside the box, but in the end, she too, failed me. She said I was a brilliant writer, but that she didn’t like that I was too busy writing in class to bother to take notes. Yes, that was her issue and that was why I failed. What’s the point of being creative when all a person wants you to do is take notes and study them? How is that embracing your talent?!

I slept through “Historical Writing”, but the professor was kind enough to let me make up for it by working for her a few days a week as an assistant.

Months later, I became very sick and left the program. However, I never stopped writing.

From those days to present, my work has changed drastically. Originally I wrote hardcore facts and opinions. I tackled life, death, sports, drug addiction, women’s issues, health, and grief. I didn’t venture too far out of that until 2006 when I became inspired by a particular type of fiction. Even then, it took me an additional four years before I’d sit down and try it for myself.

I still consider myself a writer of facts, and I still consider myself the same “balls to the wall” kind of writer I’ve always been, but with fiction, I find myself healing. It might seem like an odd concept, but there is a great deal of my soul in my work.

The main protagonist for the dark urban fantasy series which has some interesting historical fiction in the mix, is very loosely based off of myself. The premise of the story dates back to a story I heard repeatedly about my family as a child. I come from a multi-lingual, multi-cultural family. I don’t think any of the adults realized I understood them when they’d speak in front of me (even in English, they had a tendency to ignore the presence of children, not realizing that children comprehend far more than anyone ever realizes.), but when I did some of the original research for the story, I came to find that it wasn’t an old wives’ tale. Naturally, I embellished some of it because hey, it is fiction, and I changed many things, but I also made sure to weave a lot of truth in there as well. If you don’t know me really well, you won’t know the difference, but for me, it is freeing, enjoyable, and a happy place to visit. I like the world I’ve created. I look forward to bringing it to you when the time is right. 🙂

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Does Creativity Pay?

It’s Official, I Lack The Ability Of Dumbing Myself Down

A few weeks ago I officially signed up with an on-line Freelancing service that allows you to submit proposals for a laundry list of writing jobs, as well as other creative endeavors. Every single job that I am 1000% perfect for has either been A) Canceled because the entire project was scrapped or B) Given to someone else. I guarantee you that anyone who got a job over me dumbed themselves down in order to get it.

I’m not saying that a person that got a writing job over me is stupid. I don’t know them. However, I know that the low bid is always the one that gets the job. People can say a lot of things about me, but I’m NOT stupid.

I’m not going to apologize for placing my actual worth and value into a proposal. I have 27 years of writing experience, 19 years of editing experience, an incredibly vast array of knowledge, and if I wanted to be paid by the hour, I’d look into becoming a hooker (I’m kidding, I’m too tired to seriously consider that.).

Truth be told, if Fibromyalgia wasn’t killing me each day, I might contemplate a “normal” job at someplace like Sephora where my knowledge of fragrance, skin care, make-up, and all things beauty would be appreciated, albeit at an hourly rate. The only reason I’ve never done it is because I know I can’t get out of bed nine days out of ten and show up at a job like that. No company wants an employee that can only show up once or twice a week, that’s simply not going to fly.

Being a writer is one of those professions where people either assume you’re loaded because “J.K. Rowling made millions.”, or they assume that with magazines folding constantly and eBook sales up (Want to know how much you can be paid to write an eBook for someone else? Between $10-$125, and in many instances, your name will not be the one credited for writing it. I find it insulting beyond words. If you want me to write a book of 50 recipes and you want it in a week, you cannot come to the table with scraps. A high school student or a freshman in college might take a job like that, but an experienced writer is going to laugh at you.), you’re either okay or a step away from being on the street. People accept “Writer” as an occupation without questioning it too much, unless they don’t know a lot about what it takes to be a writer and make a name for yourself.

Since my sign-up date, I have done nothing, but write job proposals. Placing a price on your hourly rate, or your rate per 100 words, or your per job rate is tough. Like any other creative being, I want to pay my bills, put food on the table, provide for my health, and be able to breathe. If I have a rough week, I want to know that I don’t have to write my ass off this week in order to make ends meet.

So, after writing all of these proposals, I finally got a response. It seemed promising, until a little while ago when my original quote of $300 is now being asked to go down to $30-$45 a month. I understand it’s a newish business, I respect that, but here is what I am being asked to do: Monthly blog posts, creative marketing, and some creative PR packages to get jewelry into fashion magazines. That entails a lot of work, and truth be told, $300 is not my normal rate. The more we go back and forth, the more she seems to want out of me, and I have to wonder if I am simply up against the eight other people that also bid on the job, or if she really thinks that is what my time is truly worth. Regardless, she has received a sample of my work and can decide for herself. If you want quality work, don’t insult me.

After handling that, I was then sent 15 pages of a novel for another job. I have to say, I was annoyed when I got to the end because even with all the mistakes and changes that would have to be made, there was an awful lot of potential in there and I wanted to keep reading (and correct everything, because it’s force of habit!). I bid on the job. I gave a very decent price for editing a first novel, well within the person’s budget, and I will see how it goes. However, I am sick and tired of the bullshit involved.

If you want something done professionally, don’t insult the professional you’re trying to hire for the job. If you want someone experienced and intelligent, don’t expect them to waste their time if you aren’t willing to properly compensate them. Never have I tried hiring someone for something on a creative level, and then insulted their intelligence and effort by countering their quote. It’s hard enough for me to put a price on myself, but when you insult me, it makes me want to respond by letting you know how unprofessional you are.

You want something done right? Come to play, or get the fuck out of my way.

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED