Hello everyone! I haven’t been around much of late, and for that I am sorry, even though I know apologies aren’t necessary.
I am dealing with a family crisis and quite frankly, I’ve lost my temper and I’m one of the most unpleasant people at the moment to deal with (not that I’m all that pleasant on other days ending in Y). I’m about 0.1 seconds from utterly snapping. I’d love to be able to blame that on PMS, but the truth is, my first reaction to things isn’t always the perfect reaction, which is why I like to step away from a lot of situations, if I can, before I react. When they say stress is the leading killer, whoever “they” are, they’re right. I thought I was going to have a stress-induced heart attack last night. 😦
After apologizing to the person I yelled at, I realized that I truly see the world differently than others. I’m not a “There are so many good people in the world.” kind of person. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at the world, even as a child, with that level of naiveté. I see evil walking around disguised as “people”, and on occasion you come across a few angels looking out for others, but on a whole, this world is not chock full of good in every direction one turns in. If it were merely me, I would keep on keeping on, but when it affects someone close to me; I go ape-shit.
For those who’ve asked: Yes, I did find my brother. He got in touch with me late Tuesday morning and explained what happened, as well as his nearly two-week absence. I would like to thank the Falls Township Police Department for their assistance and to the cop that assisted me personally, who was 100% nicer to me when I called to let him know I’d found my brother. His entire demeanor changed after that, and he told me to get in touch with him if I ever need anything in the future. That was a nice moment. Not many cops send you an e-mail and include all of their contact information in case you ever need something in the future. Major points were scored for that one.
On the downside, finding my brother “safe & sound”, sort of, didn’t even last a full three and a half days before something truly horrible happened, something I’ve been concerned about for months now. All I can do in this moment is be supportive and help him get medical care because his heart isn’t good, despite having had bypass surgery last year. He is in pre-kidney failure and requires a supplement to help it (I’m not 100% sure that even he knows what it does or doesn’t do. I just know that it’s expensive and he needs it.), and his insurance chose the absolute worst time to cut him off. He is now without much-needed medication (roughly 10-12 prescriptions that must be taken daily. He has already been without these drugs long enough for damage to re-occur.) that keep his heart functioning and other things at a normal rate. I have no idea when the insurance company will start paying for his care again. Because of this, I will be posting an online fundraiser ASAP for emergency assistance. Every penny will go towards his medication and doctors visits until he has insurance backing him again. Unfortunately, they’re not very speedy, it took several months for it to be processed last time, and despite reaching out to pharmaceutical companies and various charities, no one is willing to assist him with what he needs, mostly because, despite the older ones being generics, a lot of these medications add up. This is life or death. I don’t ask for myself, but I do ask that if you can help in any way, however large or small, it is going to someone who truly needs it. If the link doesn’t go up this week (My mind can barely concentrate on the paint on the wall, much less the logistics required for this sort of thing, so bear with me.) and you are able to contribute something immediately, I will provide you with the direct information if you leave a comment or e-mail me. If you require more information, just ask. I won’t violate his privacy, but I can elaborate for those who are afraid of being scammed (Unfortunately, this does happen and I am all too aware of it. I think that is disgusting, because so many people are truly in need. I’ve never understood the scamming mentality.). For my brother, I am willing to swallow my pride and ask for much-needed help.
And now, I am going to try catching some desperately needed rest because today really IS a Monday and I can’t afford to lay in bed all day. Naturally, I wish I had better things to say as well, but I’m doing my best.
I will be back soon, and hopefully get the fundraiser going the second my foggy brain allows it.
If you’ve never had a loved one go missing; you’re damn lucky. If you’ve never lost anyone close to you, especially a family member, you are luckier still.
I have spent most of my life watching family members leave this plane of existence for another. I’ve written too many eulogies and speeches not to feel the heavy emotion of deep loss. However, my brother’s mysterious, sudden disappearance is scarier than all of those losses combined. Mostly because, no one seems to have any answers, and the ones they do have are either asinine or terrifying.
People do not just disappear into thin air. Especially not people who are roughly six feet tall and armed. My brother has had to defend his life once before; and he sent the other person to the hospital after warning them NOT to come closer. If you’ve warned a person multiple times that you’re armed and they expect you to just stay put and take a beating, then they simply do not know that my brother & I weren’t raised to behave that way (No, he did NOT shoot anyone. I only wish he had.). If you come at me, I’ll come back harder. My brother is a gentle soul, but if you push him, you will likely get a beating. I keep telling him he’s too Zen for me, that I like my anger, and he keeps telling me to forgive people and pray for them. See what I mean?
It has been over a week of me not knowing where my brother is. The police in Pennsylvania threatened me with imprisonment and a fine if I am “filing a false missing persons report”. For one, I’d never do something like that and two, I expect to be taken seriously by anyone wearing a fucking badge when I call them with a legitimate issue. You can’t keep telling me “We don’t know your brother.”, because that’s got nothing to do with this particular situation. There’s a reason you don’t “know him”; he’s a good kid. He’s not out robbing banks and knocking over liquor stores. He’s only a pain in the ass if you’re his sister. He keeps to himself, minds his own business, but is cautious and aware of things most people are not.
My brother is smart, and by smart I mean MIT/Harvard kind of smart. His intelligence is mind-blowing to people because they’re expecting him to be silent muscle, or they’re simply not expecting his level of intelligence to go beyond one realm. He’s always been this knowledgeable little sponge. Sometimes I’m blown away by his ability to take things apart, put them back together (“No, I’ve never done this before.”), or explain something with such precision that it makes my head hurt. He is the exact opposite of me in that he is extremely likable. I have never heard anyone say they didn’t like him.
My brother & I are very close. We’ve had to be, because at the end of each day, all we have is each other. I know he has my back and he knows I have his. Ultimately, he is one of the only people I would willingly take a bullet for. Other people have, sadly, shown me their true colors as I deal with horrible situation.
For starters, I do NOT need to be lectured on what to do or how to do something. I’m a capable human-being. When I have to block a family member from contacting me because she sticks the knife in my back and keeps on twisting; under the guise of “caring” and “providing helpful information” (The fact that I didn’t say “FUCK YOU!” or “BITE ME!” is a testament to my reining my temper in at the last second.), that tells you a lot about who I deal with on a regular basis. A normal person wouldn’t say “Sorry to hear, sweetie.” I’m not sorry to say that if you say that to me, it makes me want to punch you in the face. I didn’t just break up with a boyfriend, you dumb cow. My brother is MISSING, it’s not something trivial! This person doesn’t even know my brother to say the things they did, but wouldn’t shut the fuck up. I finally had to say “All I really need right now is support. All you have managed to do is anger and enrage me, so I am stepping back until I can be a decent human-being.” I said that because the questions wouldn’t stop, and I let them know that enough is enough. This person was pushing the last of my buttons (How many times do you have to reiterate that you’re not okay?!), and doesn’t know when to stop in general. If you push me and you don’t stop, I will absolutely lose it on you. I didn’t do that. I respectfully backed out the best way I knew how, but this person made it all about them. When it’s one of your siblings, then we can discuss your hurt feelings, but until then, NO, the world does not revolve around you. It’s not about you, this isn’t even about me, but if you want to be supportive, don’t throw it back in someone’s face and say you’re sorry you bothered to inquire. My personal life is not a fucking newspaper.
If you don’t know my brother’s middle name, date of birth, place of birth, who is Godparents are, or anything unique about him, then you don’t get to ask me stupid fucking questions. And there is always a difference between someone who genuinely cares and someone who wants to gossip, just as there is a difference between people who pretend to care, but sleep just fine each night while you cry hysterically from worry. I know the difference based on how others behave. Pushing someone who is already hanging by a very fine thread is dangerous. But this person couldn’t respect me enough to back the fuck off. I’ve gone months without speaking to them before and I can go a year this time without batting an eyelash. I don’t need this kind of drama in my life when I’m dealing with a serious situation. Moreover, don’t Facebook message me or text me for “updates” unless you live in another country. Those are the only people who get a pass. Everyone else is fully capable of picking up a phone and saying what they need to say, without being passive-aggressive, or aggressive. It’s called compassion. Don’t claim to possess it if you do not actually utilize it.
I’m an extremely private person and I am waiting for more information before I do anything that I feel is invasive to my privacy, or my brother’s. There is always a proper and improper way to handle a situation. I’m handling things in a manner in which I feel is correct.
You can support me, say a prayer or a kind word, or get out of my way because at this moment, I am a ticking time bomb. My brother is OFF LIMITS. I don’t appreciate anyone making up conversations I never had with them. Focus on your own family problems, don’t stick your nose into mine.
My best friends both said “What do you need? I’ll do whatever it is you need to help.” and they live an ocean away. My “relatives” did not say that. Hell, most of my “friends” didn’t say that, either, but I don’t fault them. I fault the person who messaged me last night and came at me when I am already raw with emotion. She always accuses others of attacking her, but the fact of the matter is; she likes playing the role of victim. She doesn’t know any other role but the role of victim. In every situation, it somehow becomes all about her and her role as the victim once she’s pushed you to the point where you have to tell her to back off. I don’t have respect for that. Many of us carry childhood issues with us, but when you’re pushing 40, you need to work your therapy and stop playing the victim card with everyone. It’s the reason people don’t respond well to you and it’s the reason people don’t like you. It took me a few years to see the pattern, but now that I do, I’ve stopped allowing myself to be turned into the “great evil” for speaking the truth.
When someone is bleeding from head to toe, do you throw them into the Dead Sea? No, you don’t. Therein lies the problem here.
I can let some things go, I can forgive certain things and I can forget others, but when you constantly play the victim card with me, I question how valuable the relationship is. I also realize that some people self-sabotage to the point where they have no friends or loved ones to turn to. But there comes a time when you can no longer make excuses for them.
I’m just trying to get through this dark cloud hanging over me where my brother is concerned. I know full well that I am not some “great evil” for saying I am stepping away. If I’ve said nothing and every other thing you say is an attack (“Sweetie” does not soften a damn fucking thing. I’m not five.), then it is up to that person to know when to back off. If you always have to say something to back them off, that’s unhealthy. Being told I’M the unhealthy party is utterly laughable.
Sometimes, people forget who they’re talking to. They get too damn comfortable. They start thinking you’re exactly like them. They don’t realize that the silence from one day too many has hit you hard, and that saying nothing is better than talking shit.
It’s a damn good thing she wasn’t standing in front of me.
There is something about summer that causes terrible insomnia for me. It’s not just the blistering heat & humidity of the days (and many nights). Even on cooler nights, I find myself completely and utterly unable to sleep. It’s awful, especially when I’m yawning at 7:30 PM thinking “I can’t wait to be in bed before 9:30.” I typically have to be in the midst of an excruciating migraine, Fibro flare, on allergy meds, or take a hefty dose of Melatonin to be in bed early these days. And let me tell you something; I’m not the least bit entertained by it.
Normally when I cannot sleep, I read or watch something I’ve seen a million times. Eventually I get bored/sleepy and it’s lights out. Sometimes I listen to music and that will help, but other times it makes my brain even more responsive, and that’s not helpful at all. I have tried re-reading some of my favorite books and every time I do, the next thing I know it’s 5:30 a.m. and I’ve got at least one cat crying to be fed or both of them wreaking some kind of havoc that annoys me and lulls me into the belief that if I feed them, they will calm down. Generally, they just walk away from the food and go back for it later on, but much meowing or pawing of the Mommy occurs before the “calming down” process. It irritates the hell out of me. I am NOT a morning person. Hell, I’m not even a day person!
Thursday morning I sat here unable to sleep. Kitten was 100% OUT next to me. She’d been sleeping soundly for about four hours or so while I’d done everything I could think of to put myself to bed. I eventually got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep, but after that, I was a prisoner to the day. I was so sleep-deprived that when I went outside around 3:30 to water the plants and herbs, I kept visualizing myself being found there at some point, ravaged by the neighbor’s dogs. It wasn’t just the heat and the sun’s intensity, it was that delirious state you often reach when you’re so sleep-deprived, you’d kill for 12 hours of solid, uninterrupted rest. Lack of proper rest screws with your body over time. I can’t remember the last time I truly slept well.
Last night, severely determined, I took a dose of Melatonin and was in bed by 9:15. The downside? I was up by 3:30. Not what I had in mind, AT ALL. 😦 Despite suffering pain-wise, I’d prefer not to need a nap by 10;30 in the morning. I’d also prefer to avoid additional encounters where I cannot account for 2-4 hours of my day.
For the next week, the forecast is 80’s and 90’s. Only one day is slated for rain and thunderstorms. Heat and humidity make me viciously cranky and unpleasant. It makes me feel even more like a prisoner than I already do. 😦 I cannot enjoy “the great outdoors” when the heat index dictates that I need to drink a gallon or two of water, especially when I feel like it’s so hot I cannot breathe, or when the heat affects my eyes and makes my contact lenses cloudy and/or gooey. My allergies are awful. Even just typing these words makes me feel like a kvetchy bitch, but I’d rather be honest than pretend. Extreme temperatures are NOT my friend. Insect bites and sunburns are not a badge of honor that you’ve enjoyed the summer. I NEVER enjoy the summer, and I’d like to avoid all things involving damage to the skin.
There are no good suggestions for “things to do” when it’s this hot. Sure, you can walk the mall for no reason whatsoever, you can go to the movies, you can mindlessly walk around the book store, you can hit up a museum, but all of those things require energy I don’t always have. My patience is nil and my ability to make small talk is nonexistent. I don’t want to talk about anything serious either, because I am up to my ears in serious and do not care for or want any additional drama. I’m doing my best, my best is never good enough, and that’s the way the cookie crumbles, apparently. At this point, I’d rather discuss absolute nonsense, and that’s sad, because I am NOT a nonsensical conversationalist.
On one level, I could take the opportunity to hibernate and watch the Olympics, but let’s face it; that’s not going to happen. I will watch what I can of the opening ceremony (I already have it set to record on my DVR. I do not plan on watching it live.), some gymnastics, and the closing ceremony. The problem with watching gymnastics is that, as a former gymnast, I do gymnastics in my sleep. I remember every routine I’ve ever done and my brain works in mysterious ways. I’ve been lucky to retain nearly my flexibility, but NO, stretching does not minimize the pain of Fibromyalgia and things like yoga annoy the shit out of me. I am a physical kind of person, so if I’m going to workout, I need to be punching things or doing something that brings about results. I do pay an immense price for punching things; it kills my arms, back, and muscles I didn’t even know I have or utilize, but it makes me feel better mentally. I have many creative outlets, but so few mental outlets. Clearly, it’s time to search for something new.
The whole library debacle is ongoing. After sending a formal complaint to the Director, the only results I’ve seen was the removal of $50+ in late fees they slapped on to my account because no one ever picked up the 14 items that were sitting here, half of which had been delivered five days after being checked out. I was so annoyed that I didn’t have time to read any of the books (I started one and got about 100 or so pages in, but I really wanted to be able to finish it.) and I still haven’t listened to any of the music I burned. I do hope the issue is resolved soon. On the plus side, I am caught up on The Good Wife after discovering six seasons of it are available on Streampix as part of my cable package. I was able to watch season four, which is apparently when I started watching in the first place. That was precisely what I thought originally, so now I’m over it. I can barely watch an hour of TV most days. I am so focused on getting work done and acquiring more work that it’s easy for my DVR to fill up and for me to miss things for months on end. At one point, I hadn’t turned it the TV on in a few months. It’s new, so it had calculated the energy/electricity saved and how many hours it had been since I’d last had it on. I had one of those moments where I thought “Wow! You have NO life whatsoever.” Of course, I tend to think that daily, but realizing that my new flat screen is basically collecting dust pissed me off. It was a gift, a “sense of normalcy to help me transition” after my move, but nothing is normal, I am not “transitioned”, and I have little time to enjoy the things I normally love. 😦 My life feels like it is dictated to me, as opposed to my choice. That doesn’t make me feel good about myself and I suspect it’s not supposed to.
And so, another day begins. Sun, heat, prepping for an interview for next week, being ignored by Cat (Kitten has already had breakfast and is sleeping peacefully beside me. She talks in her sleep. LOL.), and a zillion thoughts facing through my head. I’d like to go through the next few days without an interrogation, stress, deepening depression, or thoughts of walking in front of moving vehicles. I can’t afford to deal with broken bones (physically) and I really cannot handle dealing with anyone giving me the third, fourth, or tenth degree. I’ve bitten my tongue for far too long. One more push will likely send me over the edge and it won’t be pretty. However, it’ll feel damn good not to hold back the force of my personality any longer. I am only an opponent when someone forces me to be one. I make no promises if you continually push my buttons. In this, I think many of us are the same. We don’t actively go looking for the craziness that comes our way, but we won’t back down if you get in our face, either.
Wishing you all an easy Friday and a wonderful weekend to come! 🙂
Information fell into my hands over the past few weeks that has shown me things that were immensely hurtful. It showed me the truth behind the falseness. My response to it is going to be mind-blowing. I hope people are prepared to deal with true wrath. Never say things in print that you cannot take back and never say them to someone who will repeat it to me, or record it in some way.
As I will explain in a future post, I’ve been having some incredibly bad days (it’s been many, many months, actually. I am not pointing any fingers in saying that, life is simply unpredictable as hell.). Some of it is health-related, but the rest is not worth repeating twice, so I’ll save it for the other post, which I’ve been working on for the past few days. I’m not quite ready to emotionally complete it.
This morning I was struck with the realization that there aren’t a lot of constants in this life. You can only hope that your true friends and family know who you are, as opposed to pretending they know you, and will love you unconditionally. You learn from the people who place conditions on every aspect of their “love”. God & Goddess, please don’t EVER let me be such a selfish, vindictive person that I use “love” against people. It’s not meant to be used as a weapon, much like a child is not meant to be used as a pawn during divorce proceedings. With each passing day, I feel like some people become uglier on the inside and quite frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach.
I went to bed early last night with a migraine I can’t seem to shake. Inevitably, due to the medication I took for it, I ended up wide awake by 1:30 this morning. I’ve been writing ever since, thinking, and doing a lot of soul-searching.
When I entered my sleep time into the Migraine App this morning (it doesn’t always pick up the exact time if I go to bed earlier than usual), I found a message from my brother that is quite telling. I’ve been explaining a few situations to him for many months now and at times he has been supportive and other times, quite vacant. I understand his anger and frustration. He’s been through crap I wouldn’t wish on a single soul and is still kind, caring, forgiving, and devoted. He tells me to forgive people on a near daily basis and insists that I pray for them instead of being angry. I’m often thinking “Hello? Have we met?!”, because I’m more likely to react than he is, at least these days. I haven’t reached any Zen states, mostly because too many people are taking shots at me. However, his message is a reminder of so many things. “You keep being yourself. Fuck everyone else! You are great as you are, do you understand? Don’t ever change for anybody.”
When you hear negative shit every single day, and you’re told it’s “merely feedback”, you occasionally start wondering if it’s true or if you’re going insane. It is 100% a form of brain-washing. You either shrivel up into a ball and believe the lies you’re told about who and what you are, or you put your hand up and say “Wait one fucking second! I KNOW who I am. You don’t get to define me with your negativity and issues.” Some people are not happy or satisfied unless they are hurting others verbally. Being emotionally abusive is still being abusive, and it’s not okay. I wish people could hear themselves 24/7 because if they could, they’d be apologizing for a lot of the crap that comes out of their mouths when they are tired, stressed out, worried, etc. I will always apologize if I’m wrong, even if I realize it three days later, but never being apologized to is incredibly hurtful to me.
This year is NOT going as I planned. I have gotten a lot of doors slammed in my face, have had a lot of promises made to me broken in ways that are incredibly harmful, not to mention unforgivable, and I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced such severe despair before. Every day, week, month, etc., is a battle of pure survival. I am not happy. I am not enjoying any aspect of my life, and I loathe certain times of each day when I am forced to place every single ounce of who I am into a Tic-Tac sized box and pretend it doesn’t exist. It is nearly as bad as aspects of my childhood. The only difference is, back then I knew one of two things would happen; I would kill the abuser (my father) and spend the rest of my life in jail or my mother would finally gain the strength and courage to leave. Obviously, the latter happened. I don’t know that she ever truly had the strength and courage, but she did have the emotional support, and when she didn’t, she leaned on me. I was her rock.
Sometimes I feel as though the few people who remain in my life forget what I’ve been through, denounce what I am capable of, and try to make me feel guilty for being ill. People underestimate me. But when accusations regarding my character come into play, you’re asking for more trouble than you can handle.
I’ve said it before, but perhaps it bears repeating; I’m not a nice person. I don’t strive to be someone people trifle with and through experience, I have seen what nice brings. I can certainly be nice, I have my moments, but I don’t suggest testing me to see if you can reach the point of no return. Most people will interact with me and find me pleasant and lovely to be around, and that’s because they’ve chosen not to challenge my existence. They’ve chosen to treat me like a human-being. They’ve chosen not to start crap with me. I don’t respond kindly to threats, accusations, or anything negative. I might be looking at you and/or listening to you, but I may also be plotting your untimely demise in my head. That doesn’t mean I’ll act on it, but we’ve all reached a point with someone (or multiple people) and had a thought we might not normally have, leave alone share with others. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. If anything, it means we’re human. If you haven’t contemplated slapping someone, knocking their teeth out, breaking their jaw, or killing them in their sleep and telling G-d it was an accident, then I don’t trust you, because these are common thoughts. I know, because I’ve done a poll.
Nine times out of ten, it is mere words. “I’ll beat his ass.” or “I’ll slap the rude right out of her.” It’s not what you truly intend to do, it’s not even what you’re going to do when you calm down, it is simply a manifestation of anger in the initial moment. These are total “heat of the moment” reactions, and they are entirely human. Unless you’re a saint, you’ve had these thoughts. Unless you’ve reached some type of Zen Master level that I am not aware exists, you too have had these thoughts at least once in your life. No one is perfect and no one should claim to be. I will not pretend that thoughts haven’t crossed my mind. It makes killing characters off so much easier, because you can take your anger and write it out of your system. Or at least, I can. Sometimes all a person has to do is breathe wrong in my general direction and my first thought is “I’ve figured out fifteen different ways to kill you off in book four. In another minute, that number will go up to sixty.” You’ve managed to react without raising your voice or harming another person physically. In my case, the reward for this is bigger than chocolate, cupcakes, or a shopping spree at Sephora. This is HUGE, it warrants going all out. 😉
Again, this is all human. It does not mean I will be on the ten o’clock news having done something heinous. Will I have thought about it? The probability is quite high, yes. But acting on something and thinking about it are two completely different ends of the spectrum.
I have been battling pretty much the same killer migraine for almost a week now, getting 3-4 hours as a “break” until another one slams into my head. Stress is the number one killer in this country, causing all different types of health issues, and when you suffer from migraines, they are often borne out of stress. Even if you think you lead a relatively stress-free existence, migraines are migraines and they don’t necessarily give you a break when medication doesn’t help.
This week it’s been migraines and my allergies taking me down. I’ve either been completely erratic with my sleep schedule or I’ve been unable to get out of bed, there hasn’t been a lot of middle-ground.
Through all this, Kitten has fiercely become my companion again. Both Cat and Kitten have been distant all these months. Less affectionate, less happy-go-lucky, less relaxed. They’re afraid of hands and they get snippy over the most basic things. They aren’t as open to affection as they once were, but I’ve done my best. They are an immense priority in my life, but you cannot force animals to change their behavior or to spend time with you when they’d prefer not to. So, waking up several times this week with Kitten glued to my side has been a nice change. She has patiently stayed with me while I’ve been ill, has been her normal, loving self, and has insisted on giving me kisses and trying to eat my hair again. This is progress; she is seeking me out for more than just food. Seeing them playing and not being fearful makes me smile. Unfortunately, they scare easily these days. 😦 I pray that one day, they will feel secure again. They are little blessings. I know they were both sent to me, that they’re both gifts of the highest order, so I pray their fear dissipates and their happiness and health surges. All I can do is keep being me, which shows them that while life has changed, Mommy has not. I always tell them that I’m their safe place. Apparently, Kitten is listening and Cat pretends to listen in case the treat bag makes noise. 😉
I ordered their food online because the price was unbeatable and you don’t always see large bags of grain-free food on sale (Occasionally I am able to get a local store to price-match, but this time it simply wasn’t worth the effort.). You’ve never seen two cats happier to see a shipping box. I’m schlepping in a thirty pound box Saturday morning (Thank you FedEx and Chewy.com for saving my butt!) and they both watched and waited to see what had arrived. I opened the box and they both stared at the packaging and each other before they each lifted a paw to swat in sync. I quickly unboxed everything and they stared at each other to see who would get into the box first. Kittens defers to Cat on most things, especially if she’s unsure about something. Cat wasn’t happy with me for breaking the box down so quickly. But give her a purse and she just might go anywhere with you! This is new behavior I’ve never seen before. A lot of their behavior is new. Kitten is now extremely interested in my purse and I keep saying “Get your paws out of that bag.” I caught her trying to take my makeup bag out of my purse and drag it off like prey. It’s cute once, the second time makes you question all that you carry around (I’m like Mary Poppins, with a different accent. LMAO!). I haven’t weighed it, but I’m certain it weighs more than they do, combined. It would explain why my shoulder hurts every time I am out for more than twenty minutes with my bag on my shoulder. Clearly I am a masochist. 😦 Clearly, Kitten is trying to get me to see the error of my ways.
The week ends with the birthday of one of my best friends. She is my soul-sister; beautiful, talented, and as afflicted by Fibromyalgia pain as I am. I am wishing for her a healthier, prosperous, and supremely happier year. If there is good in me it is most reflected in my friendships, which are pure platinum.
Welcome to all the new followers; I appreciate both your readership and comments. 🙂
I will attempt to decompress as much as possible and I wish you all a wonderful weekend to come.
If there’s one thing I absolutely have no tolerance for, it’s being lied to. To add insult to injury, I hate being lied to and discriminated against all in the same breath. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it might very well smell like bullshit.
Since long before I moved here, the local library has offered delivery service to anyone who is home-bound. I can safely say that being as sick as I am, unable to get out of bed nine days out of ten, that definitely qualifies as too sick to be there on any type of constant basis. For over a month now, that was fine. No questions, no drama, just deliveries and pickups every 2-3 weeks.
On Friday, the 1st, after nearly a month of battling migraines and Fibromyalgia pain, I felt good enough to drop off my stack of books, CD’s, and DVD’s, and pick up the items on hold. I called in advance to let the administrator know, so she’d be able to move my items off of her desk. She’s the one who delivers and picks up, so I felt it was only respectful to let her know she need not come out prior to a holiday weekend. She has never been anything but lovely to me.
During this seemingly simple process, a woman checking out my items took note of my account status and questioned me. She didn’t ask what was wrong, but she was loud enough that I informed her that my health is a personal matter. She then sends me upstairs to correct a secondary issue, but the new person decided to outright challenge me. Not only did she question me, but I refused to answer her because she was outright rude and violating my privacy by announcing my business to a busy library. I was always taught that you keep your voice down in a library, but she was so loud that people looked up from their laptops. My personal information does not need to be read off of a screen at decibels that can be heard in space. She stared at me and I stared her down. I waited until she looked away and did her job (A DVD set I returned was badly damaged and I could not view the final three episodes on disc six. I was asking that a copy be ordered from a different library and I suggested the returned copy be replaced. You would have thought I had just asked her if she’d married a Martian. The woman was as dumb as a box of rocks with a pile of shit on top, but I tried to patiently walk her through the process by speaking slowly.), but I knew I hadn’t heard the last of things simply by showing up looking like I’m healthy. I knew one or both of them would say something to someone and cause trouble. I had, of course, hoped they’d have compassion and realize that people like me are the reasons they have jobs, but alas, one of them did or said something. They will now be forced to pay for their callous invasion into my privacy. They’re librarians; not medical professionals.
Here’s the thing with invisible illnesses: On a good day, I look damn good. It does not, by any means, make me a liar, or mean that I am somehow “abusing the system”, which is precisely what I was accused of. It means I took 40 minutes or so to even out my skin tone, fill in my eyebrows, and make myself look like a human-being. It’s not a prerequisite for everyone, but it is for me. When you spend your days in agony, it’s good to remind yourself that you’re young, attractive, and clean up really well. I do this for ME, not for anyone else. Unless I pointed it out, most people would not be able to tell you that I had makeup on, unless they were looking at my eyes. For me, it’s similar to getting a haircut, in terms of analogies. We all look and feel better when our hair looks nice, or maybe that’s just 99% of the women I know and most of the men. My brother began going grey young and when he started to realize that I wasn’t joking about his hairline receding, he started shaving his head every 6-8 weeks, if not more often than that. He feels good when he knows he’s not sporting a mop of hair. It makes him look about 10 years younger than he is, so it’s a win-win. Wearing makeup, for me, is a form of art. I’m not masking anything, I’m just showing a little creativity. I didn’t go in wearing false lashes or a full glam look, it was pretty basic, but I was judged for it. You could hear them thinking “What’s wrong with her? She looks perfectly healthy to me.” Yet, I was limping, something that seemed to go unnoticed by these old bats.
On the 6th, I received a phone call from the director of the library. He listed all of the accusations against me and informed me I would receive one more delivery and one more pick up, and that the program was being “temporarily discontinued” and he gave me a list of excuses that simply did not make sense. Each story was different from the last. I asked if it was going to affect everyone in the program or just me. Three times he said “No, JUST YOU.” I made him repeat it so he could hear what he was saying, because it’s blatant discrimination. I wanted him to hear himself. He claimed that the Board of Public Libraries in Boston would be contacted for “guidelines” and spewed some other nonsense. He blew off a lot of questions I asked and was very rude and dismissive, all while trying to seem charming and sincere. You could smell the bullshit from three centimeters away.
First he claimed that I had “too many holds” and they were getting into trouble with the other libraries over it. At the time, I had over 20 holds. I now have 7. Then he claimed that the program was “half-baked” and that guidelines had never been implemented as to how many items a person could have at one time, etc. The stories became more and more ridiculous. Ultimately, he made me sound like the scourge of all readers. I ended up returning a stack of books and DVD’s I never had the time to read or watch, but because he was such an asshole I made sure I got ahead of him. One thing you do NOT do is mess with THIS writer. I’m well-known for being an incredible public speaker; the second he deigned to call me he started a fight he will not win.
After I got off the phone with him I called the Board of Public Libraries myself. When they returned my call, they were absolutely APPALLED by how I was treated. I spent over 40 minutes on the phone with the person handling this, and she could not have been kinder or more respectful. She told me that the individual library establishes the guidelines for this “wonderful program” and that she understood how much I suffer because she has three family members with Fibromyalgia or other invisible illnesses. Her exact words were “On a good day, you look and feel great and on a bad day, you can’t walk.” YES, she 100% understood. I felt vindicated. She immediately put in a call to their “director” and suggested I follow-up by writing a letter and CCing the Board of Trustees. She said “I think you’re the perfect person to show them that not everyone fits into the mold of what “sick” looks like. You legally have the same rights as if you came into the library in a wheelchair and they have to accommodate you.” She told me she’d been a library director for 15 years prior to moving on to a different job and had NEVER treated someone in such a manner, and that the last thing any director wants is for things to escalate to the Board of Trustees because that means they can lose their funding and be closed down permanently. She agreed that I have every right to read the books I want to read, watch the DVD’s I want to see, and borrow the music I want to hear. She said “The other libraries know this program exists. If it’s such a big deal, the larger ones can order extra copies if it’s in their budget or the other person on the wait list can wait an additional week. It’s not the end of the world.” I felt like I’d just spoken to my spirit animal. 🙂
My nearly two thousand word letter will be going to the “director” and I’ve CC’d both Boards on purpose. This asshole screwed with the wrong chick with one phone call, but make no mistake, he will either work with me or I’ll have his job. I do not mess around when it comes to discrimination in regard to invisible illness. If he did this to me, he will inevitably attempt to do it to someone else, someone who isn’t as smart or as strong as I am, someone who lacks my voice and character. That’s unacceptable to me, so not only am I putting my foot down, I’m ready to discuss this with every local media outlet known to man. I’m sure the Board Of Trustees would have a field day with that, so I gave him the option of working with me to set guidelines into place and I instructed him to teach his staff about respect and discretion as the better part of valor, lest it get them into trouble, especially if I lay eyes on either of those poor saps again. Either they’re stupid, senile, or a combination thereof, and if that’s the case, then neither of them should be allowed to work with the public in such a fashion.
Have you been discriminated against as a sufferer of an invisible illness? If so, let me know about it in the comments.
A year ago, I probably would not have believed that my life would be what it is in this moment. It was unfathomable, and it is incredibly difficult for me transitioning into this “new life”.
Recently someone made the grave mistake of telling me that I “choose not to be happy”. Forgive me, but that’s not only rude, it’s insulting.
I find happiness itself difficult. I’ve struggled with the definition since I was about six. After all, what is happiness without your loved ones close by? I am not the “gone and forgotten” type of person that people might wish I was, and I am grateful that my memory allows me to have significant substance as a human-being, as opposed to being careless, thoughtless, rude, forgetful, selfish, and hurtful to others. I am the person that will always apologize if she’s over-stepped her boundaries or gone too far. I like that about myself. I see it as a great strength, not as a weakness.
Like many other people in this world, I was raised to trust my family & friends. I was raised that “family comes first”. My Grandmother instilled a “Family First” mentality into us, but I decided to redefine her terms, unbeknownst to her.
At around age 13, when I lost my ability to be nice as well as the ability to care what people thought of me, and learned precisely how evil and duplicitous other people are, I started taking a closer look at those around me. For a time, I had something other people wanted and that resulted in the end of many friendships as the years would come and go. Quite sadly, what those other people coveted wasn’t worth a damn thing. It was as fair-weather as they were; but no one should have to learn that their friendships are false and that their family is equally as bad.
Growing up in an abusive, nuclear family; I am completely intolerant of abuse in my life now. While I hate using the OCD comparison, because some people suffer greatly with it, other people use it as a means of control because they feel something in their life is out of control, or perhaps many things. In turn, the person displaying these OCD traits becomes abusive and accusatory. The truly attentive person notices everything from day one. The OCD abuser notices it seemingly out of the blue, and they use it to blame you for things you don’t think, leave alone do. It builds and builds until you reach your boiling point. I reached mine a long time ago, but I was lulled into a false sense of security that this person was, somehow, stable and getting their shit together. They haven’t, and eventually they’re going to realize my escape plan is a drastic one.
I’ve never not discussed the abuse I’ve been through openly and honestly. I’m not ashamed of it. One- It was never my fault, and Two- I survived. Unfortunately what bothers me most about certain types of abuse is that is starts off subtly. It can actually look like love and concern, until it doesn’t. Please pay attention to the signs and know when to walk away. I don’t care who the person is or thinks they are, you are worth more than that. Far too many abusers disguise themselves as friends and family, which sometimes makes it hard to distinguish precisely what it is you’re experiencing. My feeling on that is “abuse is abuse”, and it’s unacceptable, regardless of the packaging it comes in.
My pretty little jungle friend, staking out prime real estate.
Some people astound me, in the open-mouthed, “Are you fucking kidding me?” kind of way.
I have “family” coming into town this weekend. I use the word so loosely they should be able to hang themselves with it. It wasn’t until Wednesday evening that I was informed that I was invited to this “family gathering”. For the record, I like 6-8 weeks notice on the arrival of family members I don’t care for and a week for those I give a damn about, which is an increasingly small list.
I find it interesting that I was “invited” to this gathering, seeing as how their children, my younger cousins, both got married, one of whom had a baby less than a year ago, but I somehow wasn’t good enough to be invited to either wedding (Those are family events, last time I checked.), yet my presence gets a half-assed “Do you think she’d like to join us?” at the last minute?! That blows my mind. No, I wouldn’t like to join you. I find you both repugnant, and that’s putting it mildly.
I have not seen these two “family members” since my mother’s funeral. Not only have they treated me horribly and disrespectfully for the majority of my life, but a year after the funeral, in which they blatantly disrespected both my brother & I to our faces, when I notified family & friends about my parents’ unveiling (The Jewish tradition of unveiling the headstone.), none of them showed up. Not an e-mail, a phone call, or a fucking smoke signal. Only one had a solid excuse; her daughter was graduating college here in Boston. I sent her a note at the time letting her know that I knew she wouldn’t be able to make it, but that I wanted her to have my updated address and phone number and if she needed anything, I would be there for her. I congratulated her on my cousin’s graduation. No response. That was IT for me, especially after they lost their parents and I received third-party e-mails to inform me about funerals I could not attend at the last minute seeing as how I had a huge trip to make and was unable to drop everything. They all live close to where my parents funerals were held, so there was no excuse in terms of travel or anything like that for them. I intentionally gave everyone travel time instead of burying my parents within 24 hours, which is our tradition. Everyone had advance notice, so none of them had an excuse not to show up at my father’s funeral or my mother’s.
“I’d love to hear more about this, but I’m on my way to Spin Class.”, said the second cousin to a relative who was relaying the message because I had my own phone calls to make. Does that sound like genuine concern over a relative passing away? Not a single one showed even the slightest amount of class by picking up a phone, or bothering to send my grieving mother, brother, and I so much as a card. When you’re a narcissist and come to me eight years later (indirectly, mind you) with false claims as to how I treated you at my own mother’s funeral, asking to be in my presence after all this time; you’re either on some incredibly powerful drug, or you’re an asshole. I’ve chosen to go with both.
They have issues with how I treated them at the funeral. It is the most laughable accusation I have EVERheard in my family dynamic. I didn’t know whether to howl with laughter or cry at the stupidity of how self-involved they are. And I am perfectly willing to discuss it with them, via phone or e-mail. Hell, they can be my new “Facebook friends”. But being in my direct presence is a privilege and an honor, and neither of them make the cut.
What I was not aware of in this scenario is that they’ve had a middleman all these years, someone who has listened to their false claims of phone calls and showing love and care to my mother for many years. It happened ONCE, and ONLY ONCE, let’s not exaggerate it into the greatest relationship to ever live. I have repeatedly asked this person NOT to discuss me with them in any capacity. Said person agreed. I don’t know why that has somehow changed and yeah, it pisses me off. It’s breach of promise. It’s such a simple thing “Please don’t discuss me with these people, they are not my family.” It’s direct, to the point, and is precisely what I want. Not to be discussed. I don’t need their negativity directed at me.
Here’s one of my main rules in life: If you cannot be my family every single day, then you don’t get to choose to be family when it suits you, as in, whenever you happen to pop into town. Again, I am happy to discuss their issues, via phone or e-mail, and that is pure kindness on my part, a kindness I don’t feel they genuinely deserve.
They are cowards to talk about me behind my back, as opposed to coming directly to me, so I have two words for them and since I lack the ability to be “fake polite”, I definitely cannot play the game of falsity by spending an entire day with them, or even thirty seconds.
I legitimately have nothing to say to these people. I don’t think about them and I don’t talk about them. I even went over the conversation with my brother to verify everything and he agreed that their behavior at the funeral was appalling (They wouldn’t even stand near us, and not a single one of them said “I am sorry for your loss.”), but that mine was not; I was in mourning and about as polite as I could be after having lost both of my parents and giving the eulogy. He said “We never talk about these people and we don’t think about them; they’re not a part of our lives. We could be dead, they wouldn’t care, leave alone notice.” THANK YOU! That’s first-person validation, not that I needed it, I just wanted to clarify the events because I know how I behaved and I occasionally like to hear his perspective on things we’ve been through together. He’s 100% right. I don’t owe them anything.
I would rather read a good book, see a movie, take a walk, willingly walk someone’s dog, etc., than be forced to spend a moment in their presence. That would be smothering everything I stand for, and I’d be sullying the memory of my mother by allowing them to creep into my life in any fashion. I’d have to run to Salem and get every practicing witch I could find to smudge me with sage. I’m not exaggerating. Their negativity is sickening. The narcissism alone kills me. They think they’re perfect and cannot fathom all the superiority they’ve pulled on my family my entire life, because they can’t see past the end of their own noses. When people behave in such a manner, there’s really no talking to them. They desperately want to be right and they believe they are right, so I’m not going to waste the oxygen. I’m too good a person, too smart, and far too sharp to be lured into such nonsense. If it had gone unmentioned to me, I certainly wouldn’t be writing about it so honestly or passionately, but since it became an issue via negative words said to and about me, the truth is, I’ve never liked these people. Just because we’re related does not mean we have to have a relationship. They’ve had their opportunities and you only get so many chances with me. When I’m done, I’m truly done. I don’t wish any ill on them, I just want to live my life without them discussing me behind my back. Is that unfair? Honestly, I don’t care if it is.
At the beginning and end of each day, I would prefer to be known as my Grandparent’s ONLY Granddaughter, my parents’ ONLY daughter, my brother’s ONLY sister, and my Aunt’s ONLY niece. I am many things, but my Grandparents and parents live deeply within me and I try to honor them by being the person I was raised to be. None of them were perfect, but they taught me things that are immensely valuable. Manners, decency, common sense, and never being afraid to use my voice, for it is a deadly, powerful instrument.
Every time I am stressed or working too hard, I hear my Grandmother say “Sit up straight. Posture is everything.” I have perfect posture because she never allowed me to slouch. When I look in the mirror at my back, I think of her as the backbone of the family, because even though she was passive and kind, she helped raise me and deserves that acknowledgment. I was my Grandfather’s everything. Losing him shaped a lot of my world, but I will never forget a moment we spent together or the things he taught me. He lived each day to the fullest. I wish I had the ability to do the same, but maybe having Fibromyalgia is a mixed blessing in disguise. My parents were polar opposites who would have been better off as friends, but I am their daughter and I will not allow them to be disrespected in death as they were in life. If you disrespect them and you also disrespect me, you can basically kiss your ass goodbye. I don’t have the time, patience, or inclination to hold a grudge, but once I’ve made a decision, that’s it. Forgiveness isn’t always an option.
I often think my family dynamic is outrageously offensive, and then I hear other people’s stories and I find out how tame mine is in comparison, which is actually a scary thought.
Here’s hoping none of you ever have to deal with narcissistic family members who think YOU’REsome kind of she-devil because you lack the ability to be fake. No one needs that kind of drama!
I’m going through something awful at the moment; I’d never wish this on another human-being because it is horrible and torturous. There’s no one reliable for me to turn to for help. The person I thought I could depend on has progressively become unreliable, as they so often say one thing and do another, and because of that, I feel like a complete and utter failure. I’ve trusted in them and their lies, in their idea of “love”, and while I feel immense gratitude in many respects, I don’t like being told a bullshit story when I’m in trouble and/or suffering.
I’d love to say “This is just another challenge and I can rise above this.”, but the truth is, the pain is destroying me. Knowing that I will either succeed or lose everything is killing every last bit of hope within me.
Only two people know what’s going on. I’m legitimately afraid to go to anyone else for help of this magnitude. I cannot bear the thought of more excuses or being turned away again, especially in a time of crisis. I cannot tolerate feeling so jaded by the behavior of others through lies.
The past few years has genuinely taught me who my friends and family truly are. So, in the face of the nightmare I am trying to handle this week, I don’t have much to offer here. I’m devoid of so much I’d normally be able to say, or want to share. It’s rare for me to feel so emotionally broken, but that’s precisely where I am at this moment.
I pray I’ll have better news at the end of the week. If I don’t, I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to continue on here.
Certain things/people/situations shouldn’t bring us to our knees, but they so often do. I pray no one else ever has to go through what I am.
Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian readers! For me, today is the beginning of a four day weekend culminating in the 4th of July on Monday. Quite frankly, I’m appalled I’ve survived the first half of this year to be faced with fireworks and the worst of summer: July and August. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the heat, the sun, humidity, and all things summer-related? No? Have you been paying attention?
I have spent the past month dealing with personal health issues that haven’t lent to having the patience, or energy, to write. Sometimes, I don’t even have the head space to say boo. I am overworked, underpaid, exhausted beyond words, physically weak, and in an excruciating amount of pain. And yet, I keep pushing my body weekly to do something, anything, in order to keep in functioning. Unfortunately, the pain is almost always in my feet and legs, so lately, I’ve needed two weeks to recover from one good day, if not longer.
My plans this weekend are simple: Get some writing done, catch up on some reading, and binge watch the stack of movies sitting at the foot of the bed. Keeping it simple is about all I can handle now.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 