Grey Days

2014-12-20 Miss Poison Creativity, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Books, Clean Manuscripts, Editing, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing

Waking up this morning, you never would have known it was 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday. It’s so dark out that even though rain was not predicted, I suspect it is getting close. That’s okay, because I like the grey days.

A ‘grey day’ for most people might mean depression, but for me, it tends to be more about creativity. I am, quite honestly, locked in my room with my computer. It’s drowning out all the bullshit and drama, and allowing me to focus on what I truly want and need to do.

Drawing out creativity isn’t something you can truly schedule. There are days you can sit and stare at the screen, and nothing happens. I try not to push myself. I write and revise when I am feeling it. I go over other people’s work because it’s my job, but it is also my job to write my own material and make sure it’s cleaner than a hostel shower.

I cannot begin to say how many times someone has told me they’re sending me a “clean manuscript”, and the end result is me wanting to yank all of my hair out of my head because it is riddled with errors and is anything, but “clean”. In fact, it ends up redefining the words “first draft”. Alas, all you can do is fix it, provide notes and suggestions, and then send them on their way. Once your portion of the job is complete, you’re usually out of the picture. Not so with your own work.

Book #1 is important to me (They all are.). It’s not the first thing I’ve ever written, it certainly won’t be the last, but it is important. If I’m putting my name on it, it cannot be shit because I will not allow it. Thankfully, I’ve been writing so long that I know when I’ve written quality and I definitely know when I’ve written “filler”. Since I don’t get paid to write “filler”, I also know when to cut. The writer’s group I belong to; it seems a lot of people have difficulties with knowing when to cut. I’m not a “Please read my book so I can get your opinion/approval.” kind of person. I’m a protector of the body of work until it goes into the editing process, and even then, I am protective of what cannot be cut under any circumstance. Basically, I’m protective until it hits someone’s e-reader or shelf. After that, everyone that reads it will have an opinion and they are entitled to them. Unless someone is an absolute troll, the best thing for me to do is my job and allow everything else to simply be.

Your Purpose…

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Seven Years

2014-12-18 Miss Poison Dad, Growth, Honesty, In Memory, Life, Loss, Pieces Of Me, Writing Blackbird by Alter Bridge, Dad, Honesty, In Memory, Life, Loss, Music, Pieces Of Me, Writing

Seven years can change everything.

I walked out of the house the other day and for the first time, I did not have issues about this moment. It’s not about ‘coming to terms’, but maybe it’s about ‘coming to a new place’. Maybe it is a sign that my soul has learned how to handle this from year to year.

Seven years… It can change how you see the world, how you see yourself, how you see your relationships, and how you see the future.

I have hardened. I have softened. I have strengthened. I have focused on myself, and I have grown. I see how much growth from last year to today.

I have fought battles, and won. I have fought battles that weren’t worth fighting, and walked away unscathed. I have tended wounds, and worked on scars. I have loved and been loved. I have seen beauty, and I have seen the dark underbelly.

I have accomplished things people told me I would never attain on my own. I have risen out of the ashes, as the infinite phoenix of my own destiny. Most importantly, I have stood on my own two feet. No matter where life takes me, I know who I am. I know my worth and value.

In Memory of my father, who knows why these things are all so very important.

…May You Never Be Broken Again.

Imaginary

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A Hard Week Ahead

2014-12-152014-12-15 Miss Poison Anger, Being Real, Chanukah, Death, December, Family, Feelings, Growth, Honesty, Languages, Loss, Mondays, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Relationships, Right/Wrong, Stress, The Holiday Season, Things That Enrage Me, Thoughts, Toxic People, Truth, Writing Annoyances, Chanukah, Family, Honesty, Monda, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Writing

A Hard Week Ahead

Seven years ago this week, my father passed away. He bravely battled various forms of cancer for 15 years. Eight years “clear”, cancer resurfaced. It continued to be a battle on and off for the remainder of his life, which ended at age 63. Way too young. From year-to-year, I have mixed emotions about the relationship I had with him and a thousand other little, and not so little, things.

On a whole, this is an extremely hard time of year for me. I know for some people, they bury a loved one and after a few months or maybe a year or two, they don’t think about it much. However, I’ve been burying people damn near my entire life. I have next to no immediate family left, and unfortunately two members of my family have really pissed me off over the past few weeks, this was exacerbated early this morning to the point of me seeing blood. Extended family pisses me off, period, but I’ll save that story for another day.

Some people have trouble with the word “No.” or, “It’s 12:30 a.m., I JUST fell asleep, I am in agonizing pain, LEAVE ME ALONE until later. Let me fucking sleep!” I think they’re simple, honest statements and requests, but apparently some people struggle with comprehension. If I tell a person at 8:30 PM that I am going to bed, then I strongly encourage them to leave me the hell alone unless their issues fall into one of the following categories.

A) You are bleeding and I am the only person within a 10 mile radius that can help save your life.

B) You’re on fire and need me to help put it out.

C) You need to be bailed out of jail, and in truth there’s not much I can do until morning any way, so leave a message and call back in the morning. Provide pertinent info, I will find you. Believe it or not, they DO allow you more than ONE phone call.

D) You are drunk and have no money for a cab. I will send one your way.

E) Someone has died, in which case, please leave a message because I really do need to sleep to be able to handle this in the morning.

I think those are pretty fair categories, but some people are anal-retentive and cannot listen to simple instructions. Consider what constitutes a TRUE emergency by emergency standards and proceed accordingly.

My second family issue is with a person not thinking before they speak, talking down to me, being disrespectful regarding someone they do not know, and making demands that I find over the top for someone who has not known me their entire life. Moreover, after well over 10 days of pure silence from my end, they call or e-mail acting like NOTHING is wrong, but they include an additional demand that just plain makes you want to smack them.

Generally, if I don’t respond to an e-mail within a few days, it probably means I am BUSY. I do work and I DO have a life, but in some rare cases, I am ignoring you for a while so that I don’t tell you exactly where to fly and how high. 98% of the time, it’s truly just the fact that I am busy. I almost always call people back if they’ve left me a message, BUT if I don’t call you back within 1-7 days and have repeatedly explained that I am not feeling well and that I am going through some heavy shit, respect that answer and stop shoving yourself down my throat.

Unless you are my brother, Aunt, or one of my dearest friends don’t EVER call me at 10:00 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day and assume I am “spending the day all alone” because that’s how your day is going. I hate assumptions, you know what people say about them, so just DON’T. By the way, I was COOKING, so I didn’t have time to reach over and spend the next 7 hours “chatting”. I think my days of speaking to people I barely even like are 100% OVER. If I take the time to call someone myself, it’s genuinely because I want to speak to them, care about them, and like/love them. The list gets shorter by the day.

On an entirely different subject, it is starting to annoy me when people use languages I don’t speak as a means of “good wishes”. English is my first language. I am well know for saying thank you in Italian on a consistent basis, no matter where I am. I am also well known for answering the phone in Italian, Spanish, or Russian. These are simply things I do, BUT it’s not out of an attempt to annoy someone. In fact, I try not to do it all the time because I understand it can be annoying on the flip-side too. So why would you constantly do it to someone when you KNOW they don’t speak the language you’re using?

I have yet to decide whether or not to say something about it. In fact, the “demand of the day” is that I speak to the previously aforementioned person right about the time I plan on making dinner tonight. Mind you, I was not asked about MY schedule, simply INFORMED that she’d be calling between one time and another because that’s when she’d be home from all of her appointments today. I had a hard time not responding with “I’m NOT speaking to you right now.” I really want to tell her off, but I think it’s best said in a few weeks when I’m calmer. I really want to make a great meal tonight and do some Chanukah prep, so I definitely think pointing out all of these things is best kept for a post-holiday discussion. In fact, I think it’s good karma to rid myself of it before the end of the year.

If I’ve repeatedly said this is a hard time of year for me, you can either be supportive and back off, or simply let me know you’re available if I need to talk, but you don’t need to be a monkey on my back. I don’t respond well to tacky aggressiveness.

As we go into the holidays, do you have any family members that drive you absolutely insane and/or make crazy demands of you and your time? Or invite themselves over when you truly don’t want to be bothered? Please let me know how you deal with this insanity in the comments section.

Feelings You Can’t Quite Put Your Finger On

2014-12-12 Miss Poison Feelings, Honesty, Intuition, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing Feelings, Intuition, Loved Ones, Writing

Have you ever had a period of time where you simply feel, for lack of a better word, lost? In truth, you’re not actually lost, you just feel like a piece of yourself is missing. It’s an immensely large piece, so it would be hard not to notice the emptiness in your soul.

For many years, I have felt like I was standing as a crossroads. You don’t know which direction to go in, so you stand there as if you’re in an episode of Supernatural. Demon or the decision you are already faced with minus the demon, which do you choose? The one you know, or the one you don’t? Eventually you internalize everything and try very hard to focus on what message it is that you are receiving from your inner voice.

A lot of people have trouble listening to their intuition, or inner voice if that makes you feel more comfortable. They hear it for a second, and then they make huge mistakes because they didn’t say to themselves “Can you repeat that?” If we don’t hear what someone says to us, it’s normal to ask them to repeat it, so why would we treat ourselves any differently?

There are days when my inner voice screams at me. It will tell me to stay in bed, to stay home, that today is NOT the day for whatever it is I had planned. I will later hear sirens and/or hear about a horrible accident. I will then thank God I listened because I know I was listening to a life-saving moment. This has happened to me quite a bit throughout my life. Some people find that meditation helps them with this skill. For me, I consider it a birthright. My Grandmother had it, my mother had it, my Aunt has it, and I have it. It is a profound gift, but sometimes, you definitely feel…lost.

Today is the first day in many weeks that I slept through the night, woke up right about the time I thought I would, took care of my babies, made breakfast, and was able to just sit for a while and breathe. I looked outside, but I still had that overwhelming sense that I am lost. That something is missing. It’s painful. I physically feel like a part of my body isn’t here, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it doesn’t feel okay. In fact, it’s quite scary. I might have freaked a few people out with early morning calls to check on their well-being and safety, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

Yes, it’s possible that the feeling will pass, but anything that pertains to my loved ones makes me nervous. I’ve been through enough, so I’d rather be overly cautious than not cautious enough. People you love and care about do not grow on trees and they cannot be replaced.

Be mindful today. Be cautious, be safe, keep a third eye on everything, and don’t do anything that doesn’t feel 100% right in your heart and soul. If something can be put off for a day or two, put it off. Do whatever you feel is right, and nothing else.

Bright Blessings for a good day for all.

Apparently, Some People Can’t Read Warnings…

2014-12-112014-12-11 Miss Poison Copyrights, Editing, Editors, Experience, Honesty, Integrity, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Social Media, Work, Writing Copyrights, Editing, Editors, Experience, Honesty, Integrity, Knowledge, Poison In Lethal Doses, Work, Writing

I think I make myself incredibly clear. Clear to the point of overly repetitive! I’m starting to think I should come with a warning label, because some people are so stupid they cannot read the simplest of statements.

If you read my editor’s profile I strictly state that I will NOT do sample edits. I have done a few, but over time you see that the job you just did a sample for ends up going to someone else. It’s always the person with a lower bid. It’s not about how good you are, it’s about someone saving a few dollars. That’s fine. C’est la vie. However, I have now made it mandatory, part of my own personal policy if you will. I don’t give my work away for free, nor should anyone expect me to do so.

I received an inquiry late last night, complete with a chapter. Not only did the person not ask me anything, they simply said “Can you do a sample page? Thanks.” (I’d like to say that request wasn’t riddled with spelling errors, but it was. A simple request, filled with errors in spelling and grammar. For a second I said to myself “Do I just do it, or am I competing against two dozen other people?” The thought of losing out to someone else over a few dollars made me stand firm. I finally replied “I will only do the sample if I am the only person you are considering for the job. No one worth their salt gives their work away for free. Thank you” That’s not me being a bitch or egotistical, it’s laying down some important ground rules.

I’m always polite and professional, but I truly don’t think anyone worth their salt should give their work away for free. I will work with a person until they are happy with their manuscript, but I don’t think I should have to posture and/or bow down to whatever it is they’re looking for in a “sample”. If you’re hiring someone, read their bio. Look at their list of experience. Choose based on that. I might not always choose the person with the most experience, because sometimes they aren’t the right person for the specific genre, but I will choose the person that instinctively feels right in my soul.

My bio says “27 years of writing experience, nearly 20 years of editing experience.” (January 1st is my 20 year mark. 🙂 ) and lists all of my qualifications and precisely what I specialize in. It also clearly states that I no longer do sample edits because the practice has become unacceptable to me, not to mention it is frowned upon by the employer. Even they tell you that 99% of the time when you do a sample for someone, you will never hear back from the person and not to give your hard work away for free. For me, it’s really not worth it. Yes, I want the job, but I am not going to beg for it, not with an extremely long list of experience backing me up. Choose me because I am right for the job, or choose someone else. Either way, it’s okay.

As a writer, I am extremely careful who I share my work with. I don’t care who you are or how much trust I have in you, my work is MY WORK and there’s a line I simply will not cross. There are only two sets of eyes that have ever looked at my fiction work, and one set of those eyes is my own. Some people have seen brief excerpts or quotes, nothing more.

You really have to be careful to protect your work and shield it. There are thousands of cases in the court system for copyright infringement. There is always someone claiming to own a story when it was simply shared with them in friendship, or as a fresh set of eyes. I sign non-disclosure agreements to protect other people because I respect that they’ve worked hard. I do not want or need their ideas, and it is not my right to steal their work. My word is my bond, but if a piece of paper will also protect a client, then so be it. I feel the same way in kind because I have worked immensely hard on every single thing I’ve ever written.

I was lucky, because I was taught about copyrighting very young. New writers know next to nothing about how to protect themselves or their work, so I often have to step up and say something. Not everything you read on the Internet is true, so when in doubt, ask someone who has some experience.

Many new writers share their work via blogs and various platforms through social media. Therein lies your first mistake. Be a writer, share new material on blogs and social media, talk about new projects, but do NOT release privileged work until it has run the gamut with literary agents, editors, and/or you have already chosen to publish it yourself. Do extensive self-publishing research and don’t fall for any crap. Again, when it doubt, turn to someone knowledgable.

Above all, don’t do anything for work that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. A sample edit might seem fine to a lot of you, but to an experienced editor who already has a sample of her work posted to her profile, it is a grave insult. I won’t whore myself out for a “maybe”, nor will I whore myself out for a “yes”. If a person cannot show you respect, then you probably don’t want to work for or with them. Remember that. Your personal integrity is so much more important than anything else. It’s something someone can only take from you if you let them. I choose to keep my integrity in tact.

UPDATE: Integrity & Intuition will not lead you in the wrong direction. This person sent a chapter of her work out to every single person, 37 in total. I filed a complaint because clearly she wants free work if she’s doing that, and I usually get sent a prologue or a first chapter, never something in the middle. I was sent chapter 12, and the warning bells went off inside my head. She has listed the same job 4 times. They immediately flagged it and told me to continue reporting anyone that violates the terms of service because I could accidentally be booted for following the rules when I haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s hard when you’ve got 10 million customers and workers to be on top of every single incident. I feel better knowing I did what’s right. Always read the rules. It takes a few minutes, yes, but it gives you knowledge and shows you’re not a moron! I’m many things, a moron isn’t one of them.

Mid-Week Musings

2014-12-10 Miss Poison Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Rain, Reading, Snow, Writing Images/Photos/Quotes, Life, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Silver Birch, William Shakespeare, Writing

“This life, which had been the tomb of his virtue and of his honour, is but a walking shadow; a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” –William Shakespeare

I am grateful to have been spared the snow that was predicted for my area yesterday. Yes, there was plenty of rain. Two inches of snow is expected between today and tomorrow, which is easily handled and doesn’t bother me in the least. I am incredibly grateful to be able to write in a home with heat, where I can nurse my injured feet (Don’t ask. I feel like I’ve been in six inch spike heels for a month!) and nurse my post-migraine stomach issues (If this happens to you, I highly recommend Zico Coconut Water. I’ve been religiously drinking it post-migraine for four years. In a pinch, Gatorade or Powerade will do, but they will not rehydrate you anywhere near as quickly, or as naturally, as Coconut Water. Zico is my personal preference after horrible experiences with some utterly vile brands.). I did manage to get some sleep, but I’ve been having the freakiest dreams and nightmares. Whenever you watch a TV show or a movie and you dream about it afterwards, you have to decide if it really affected you or if it’s simply the last thing you saw before going to bed. Sometimes, I cannot decide and it nags at me.

Writers are influenced by all kinds of things. I, personally, don’t ever like feeling like I am borrowing or stealing someone else’s ideas. I realize that everything under the sun has already been thought of at one time or another, but that doesn’t make it right in my eyes. I spend a lot of time looking for a more original angle or taking pieces of my own life and twisting them into good fiction. There should be some finesse involved, it’s not something that is easy, but once the ideas flow, the words flow quite well.

I am trying to finish reading two books before starting anything new. Unfortunately, even though I truly want to read both books, my brain just cannot comprehend words the way I normally do. I’m going to blow it off as a sluggish end to the year and not take it too personally. I can always break them out when I’m feeling better. No harm, no foul. It’s incredibly bizarre for me to not be able to finish a book within a day, or a few days, so this long period of time where I am staring at the same page is unbearably frustrating for me. I just might fail my Goodreads Reading Challenge this year, but I’m okay with that. It’s not the end of the world, just something I enjoy participating in. Maybe I’ll skip it next year, maybe I won’t, but I think committing myself to more than 12 books is probably a stretch, so if I do decide to partake, 12 it is.

I realize this is scattered and that my last few posts have been pretty sub-par. I have yet to decide if it’s better to not post at all or to post and be real. Today, you get the real. I’ll figure the future out on a day when my brain decides to fire on all cylinders.

All the best…..

I Love Writing…

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There Are Days

2014-12-09 Miss Poison Family, Friends, Friendship, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Relationships, The Holiday Season, Unfiltered, Writing Cooking, Exhaustion, Fibromyalgia, Holidays, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Writing

There are days, weeks, months even, when I have absolutely nothing to say. It doesn’t mean I’ve shut down or that the thoughts and ideas in my head have stopped, it simply means I’ve got nothing to say. Sometimes it’s very individualized. I have friends I speak with regularly that I do not tire of, and others where I feel like they’re so dramatic and heavy, that I often need a break from them. This goes for family as well. Sometimes, you just need to step away and step back, even if only to give yourself some breathing room. In some situations, you need more breathing room than you do with others.

It takes a special kind of person to know when I am joking, when I’m being serious, when I need space, comfort, etc. Too many people think they’re so incredibly funny when they aren’t, or they think they’re kidding when what they’ve just said is a truly unhealthy thing to say to someone like me.

This isn’t a sensitivity issue. I have my moments, we all do, but mostly I’m soft with who I choose to be soft with and I am harder with those who have proven they do not deserve a softer side. Some people get a blend because that’s truly me. I’m a multi-faceted individual, I suspect many people are. However, I try to read very little into others because most people are just trying to be nice or polite. Others… Others have ulterior motives and they’re ugly.

There’s something about the holiday season that can either bring out the beauty in people or the ugliness. Right now, I am seeing a whole lot of “Run and hide!” I have no idea how people contain their crazy for 11 months out of a year and then unleash it for a mere four weeks, somehow magically reining it back in on December 31st. That’s a level of crazy I can’t comprehend. I don’t do multiple personalities in the sense that a person suppresses all of their issues for so long that they unleash it towards the end of the year like a bomb just went off. Not my deal.

I do think that when large quantities of alcohol are involved, people often use that as an excuse to be free with their words. I don’t. Whatever I say to you when I am sober is the exact same thing I’d say if I was having a glass of wine. I’m not a big drinker, but alcohol doesn’t change my personality in any way, shape, or form. I’d rather just say what needs to be said than later say I was a bitch because I had too much to drink. No, that’s not an acceptable excuse or reason to bring out the bitch card. I don’t care what time of year it is. If you’re going to drink to excess, make sure you have a reliable, safe designated driver or cab fare with you.

So, what am I doing right now? I am rocking out with a good station on Pandora Radio and trying to come up with some ideas for this lousy weather. Heavy rain is much more preferable to several feet of snow, but amid all this unpleasantness, my crazy ass has to hit the grocery store. In pain, on no sleep, and on empty thoughts. On the plus side, I did make a list when I WAS able to think clearly, so all I have to do is find it and toss it into my purse otherwise it’s pointless. The rain is a good excuse to not wear anything too nice since I will come home having to throw everything right into the washing machine. Trust me, it could be worse. I’m counting my blessings and taking the time to get my brain focused. I hope this fogged brain clears up soon. I can deal with a lot of things, but this is just plain weird, even for me.

I hope everyone is having a good start to their week. I am sure many of you are finishing up (or just starting) your holiday shopping. I was notified a few days ago that I am “expected” to get my brother a gift. All of a sudden?! I honestly want to tell him to go fly a kite. I am being hounded several times a day about this “gift”. What do you get for the person who appreciates little to nothing? Do not for a single second think I have not received extensive e-mails about this, all of which included links and instructions, because, in his eyes, I’ve never purchased a gift before in my life. <rolls eyes> Normally I do all the gift-giving and he does NOTHING, so to say I am annoyed would be a vast understatement. I have been informed that I am not only expected to give him a gift, but I am also charged with preparing a meal for the holidays. “I’ll help.” are the famous last words of ANYONE I know. I don’t like anyone else in my kitchen and I can’t stand anyone standing over me while I am working. Moreover, I have no ideas on what to make.

Chanukah food, traditionally, is predominantly deep fried or lightly fried, and unless someone else is doing all that deep frying, I don’t want to be involved at all. The thought of all that oil makes me want to gag. There’s nothing appetizing about any of it, so I guess I’ll just have to wing it next week at the last minute. I pray I am able to figure it out and that it won’t drain the rest of my life force.

I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted beyond words. All I truly want is quality rest. I know I’m not the only one hoping & praying for this very simple request. Bad weather is poison to Fibromyalgia. So while I love the silence of a rainy day and what it provides me, I do not love the way it makes me feel.

And off I go… Maybe to read until the rain dies down a bit more.