June

Emotional Support?

Miss Poison June, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

At the beginning of last month, my world began to cave in on me. There’s nothing like finding yourself on a city street feeling confused, disoriented, and so stressed, you couldn’t even figure out where you were, or why. I was unsafe and needed to quickly get to safety. Once I did, my brain couldn’t catch up. I was able to communicate via text and written messages, but I couldn’t fully express the shape I was in, or how much help I needed, and still need. Even now, the realization shocks me.

The worst part was the following day; sitting early in the morning as my body and mind began to collapse in on each other. Shooting pains from head to toe. Swollen eyes, joints, and this excruciating non-stop pain in my body. I couldn’t be calm. I had a vicious migraines, a foggy mind, and I was scared. I reached a point where I couldn’t walk. Stress was beginning to break me. I kept thinking, “You’re going to have a heart attack or a stroke. You NEED your mind. You cannot let this happen.” And so, I decided to press pause and take care of myself. I needed rest, and I still do. When you are a survivor in fight mode, you do not know when to stop or slow down. Stopping means death. In this particular case, it genuinely was almost the end of my life from complete burn out. Even as I type this, I am not okay. Not even close.

Obviously, it’s been a difficult time. I had to set so much aside to try and heal. To truly rest my body and mind. I’m not quite there, yet. I am struggling daily; most especially with sleep, pain, and keeping my brain calm. 2023 has been one of the hardest years of my life, and that’s saying something considering all I have been through, thus far. This was not the kind of year I anticipated or planned for.

I wish I had been able to come here and say all of this. I told practically no one what I was going through, and that includes people I am extremely close to. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my pain, and to this day, I feel like the very concept of emotional support is laughable. I have never felt more alone, despite having people in my life who *might* be willing to help. Most people have their own shit to deal with, and they lack the ability to listen. They don’t want or need my problems on top of their own. No, that’s not martyrdom; this is what it’s like when you’re an unselfish person. You help others, but you never receive what you need in return because people look at you and fully believe that no natter what, you’ll be fine. I can’t tell you how many people say this at funerals. “I thought she was fine.” She wasn’t. She isn’t.

I would have written more this month if I had felt better. I don’t, and I have no idea what July has in store. For so many years, I posted daily in some capacity. This year is not a “daily” kind of year. I wish it were. I wish things felt normal. They don’t, because they aren’t anywhere near normal. I can only hope things will get better and normalize, with time. How much time? I have no idea. It is better to be honest, as opposed to pretending you have all the answers.

As Americans move into a holiday weekend, please aim for safety. It’s hard to feel good about the 4th of July as we watch important things be decimated, like affirmative action. We are just slightly over a year from Roe v. Wade being overturned, and a large amount of states standing behind it. Women trying to dictate to other women what we can do with our own bodies; it’s fucking disgusting. I’m proud to be from a state which chooses to give the Supreme Court a gigantic middle finger. and protects women’s rights.

More will happen. God only knows what, but it’s coming. The world is changing, and not necessarily in good ways. Remember to register to vote and do so accordingly. A lot of sycophants need to be removed from office via your vote. Others need to be voted in. I will be voting out hate, and voting in change. If you’re not sure where to start and would like more information for your state, please go to A Starting Point.

May July be a greater month for us all. Enjoy something, and thank you for sticking with me. Bright Blessings.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark.

Happy Pride 🌈

Miss Poison June, Love , , , , , , , , ,

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(Author’s Note: I was almost positive I shared this at the beginning of the month, but apparently I have been extremely distracted. Pain will do that to you. My apologies.)

Happy Pride to the entire LGBTQ+ community. 🌈❤💙💜💚💛💗🌈

Since many of us are still waiting to see how our respective states, cities, towns, provinces, and countries respond to each phase of re-opening (I’m paying attention to the numbers, and I’m still predominantly in a state of quarantine. I legitimately have no place I need to be until August. I won’t lie; I desperately need a hair cut and *might* give in if I can score an appointment locally, especially if I’m already out for groceries or something along those lines. My stylist isn’t back to work yet, but my cut is very easy for anyone with experience to do. I’m afraid I’ll order scissors on Amazon and truly screw it up. I’ve had weird dreams where my vivid red hair is six different colors and the cut is something I’d never ask for in a million years.), I hope you’ll take a few minutes to explore how Pride Month is celebrated in Tel Aviv. I’ll see if I can find the footage on YouTube. It is the ONLY celebration in not just the Middle East, but in the majority of the Eastern world. People come from all over the world to celebrate their right to freely live and love. The first time I saw it, I found it beautifully mesmerizing. 

Love IS Love. I’ve never questioned this. Acceptance of others is a choice. I choose to live and let live, without judgment (Though, there are some days that end in a Y where I DO have moments of frustrated intolerance. Mostly with fools.). 

Celebrate safely. Bright Blessings to you all. 😊

June

Miss Poison June, Writing , , , ,

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Thus far, 2020 has not gone anywhere near as planned. If you’ve felt that way, too, then you are most assuredly not alone. The reality that it’s June is daunting. I still have moments where each day blends into the next. It’s a gorgeous 58 degrees here and that’s not common at this stage of Spring. By now, the heat is usually inching towards intolerable.

I have felt the need to be far more silent than usual in my attempt to get things back on track. Everything is different, the air crackles with the intensity of it, but my goals don’t have to be pushed back due to Covid 19 or anything else. Change and growth are on the horizon. They need to be. There’s a lot of work involved to help me refocus on the goals I set for myself this year. They may be delayed, but they are not going to be skipped over. The only person I would be harming by not moving forward, even if it’s slow going, is myself. I’m tired of feeling like I come in last, especially as a result of being there for other people and supporting them.

I keep hearing myself say I’m proud of people or I’m happy for them, or I’m congratulating people multiple times a day (often on things I’m not fully vested in), but the truth is, I need to prioritize myself higher than all of that in order to fully practice what I preach. I, in no way, expect to receive an ounce of support or anyone cheering me on. I don’t live my life that way.

I am hoping things change for the better on a global scale, as well. I have been keeping a lower profile on my social media accounts because the hate and anger are overwhelmingly disturbing. The violence and destruction is not honorable behavior. Before anyone says it; NO, neither is murdering someone without just cause or ignoring their rights. This is not a time to attempt to “go there” with me.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I get it. I understand. I hear it. But for my own mental health, I cannot absorb it. If anyone ever spent ten minutes in my head, they would run away from me screaming. They would likely need to be hospitalized. The nightmare of living inside my own head in order to work things out, to try to heal damaged aspects of my psyche, among other things, makes me numb to a lot. This is a truth many trauma survivors live with, and few ever talk about. It does not make me a bad person. It does not make me heartless or mean-spirited. It does not mean I’m this or that; it just means this is how it is for me. Period. I am not the only person on this planet who cannot absorb the hate and negativity. It physically makes me ill.

Living in heightened physical agony, which I will explain at a later time, is not helping matters, either. From the top of my head all the way to my toes, my body is screaming in pain all day long, and sometimes nights are really awful for me. Every movement, every step taken, every attempt at stretching or getting rid of the knots in my neck makes things worse. Last week, I was diagnosed with a pinched nerve. Without testing, there’s no way to be 100% sure the diagnosis is correct, but I have to wear a neck brace for the next six months. I will also be ordering a special pillow to see if that helps. The pain is out of control, and my body is creating new pain pathways, so escaping this pain is difficult. I will be taking the CBD oil and gummie plunge ASAP. I found a company who was helpful and informative regarding dosing, and that was really important to me. They answered my questions almost immediately. If it’s helping thousands of people who’ve been using it for years, then maybe it will help me, too. I am trying to rely on less medication, overall. I’m sick of pills that work on occasion or don’t work at all. It’s exhausting. I will share the link and discount code providing it is a product I can get behind. Otherwise, I’m not going to appear to endorse something that I don’t fully believe in.

Please be safe, everyone. This month offers no guarantees.

 

 

Pinstripe Pride

Video Miss Poison Baseball, June , , , , , ,

When your team goes to London and utterly crushes the Red Sox. 🎉 😂

London Stadium is clearly intended for soccer, but it’s a hitter’s park for baseball. 😃 If you’re not from North America, feel free to Google the reference. 

I’m proud to see MLB represented in the United Kingdom. Two amazing games. Plus, each team presented Prince Harry and the Duchess of Sussex with adorable jerseys for their son. 😊