My migraines are a little different, with more symptoms, but after being called “a brat” yesterday because I was sick and the other person refused to see it, I feel like this is important to share with others. I’m an adult and a human-being and when I have a migraine, I can’t always think straight. Understand that, respect it, or fuck off!
Honesty
Kinder To Myself
I hope everyone is having a wonderful week and that you’re all taking brief moments for yourself in order to re-group and center yourselves before the upcoming weekend.
This past weekend was relatively full, but I didn’t get any time to zone out and do things I truly enjoy. I feel as though I have forgotten a lot of what I do enjoy because my life has been a daily battle for so long. I promise to set aside some time for myself soon where I am able to focus solely on me, and nothing else. I need a break, and preferably this time, I’d prefer it to not be a bone. 😦 My toe is healing really well, thankfully. I spent 4 1/2 days off of it as much as possible, using ice regularly. I was immensely relieved when the swelling went down for good. I was able to walk over the weekend with little to no pain, so I feel incredibly blessed. Unfortunately, everything else hurts. That’s not pleasant in the least, but thank G-d for small favors.
The whole point of doing something for yourself, even if that means taking a few hours to breathe fresh air and commune with your own thoughts in a neutral setting, is crucial so that you don’t remain trapped in your own head, which is quite easily a prison of your own making. 😦 I’m an extremely internalized person, so when I feel trapped in any way, it doesn’t encourage me to communicate with people. But being able to escape means I get to be myself, to engage with others, and remind myself that the negativity thrown at me is untrue. It helps put me back into the correct perspective because the person who knows me best is me, and unfortunately, I take a lot of things to heart when I shouldn’t. I cannot and will not spend my days being insulted by anyone, regardless of who they think they are. There are limits and boundaries to what I will tolerate. I am making big changes in my life and while the end result make shock some people and upset others, I have to do what is right for me. I have to, for the first time in my life, be selfish and prioritize myself. It’s a slow process because it goes against who I am, but I will get there. I will succeed.
It will officially be summer next week and this is generally the time of year when I go into full-out hibernation mode, only leaving the house to quickly run errands in air-conditioned settings and then return. If you’re not photosensitive and don’t suffer from heat sensitivity, consider yourself incredibly lucky. I cannot be outside for long periods of time in any type of heat. Basically, if it’s over 70 degrees and there’s no breeze and the humidity is 50% or higher, I will get sick. It drains my life force, dehydrates me almost instantly, and leaves me weak and ill. I’m not an outdoorsy type by any stretch of the imagination. If it’s not somewhere between 40-68 degrees, I am subjecting myself to all sorts of crazy things that I’ve been dealing with for quite some time. Fibromyalgia has definitely changed how I function and seeing as how I also suffer from migraines, I feel like I have to travel even 20 minutes away with a medicinal arsenal. For me, the sun and the heat and humidity are immensely evil.
As I sit here, I am trying to cope with a migraine I’ve had for three days. It’s never “just a migraine” either. My entire head and neck hurt like hell. The only reason I can type is because my eyes aren’t bothering me at the moment, but I suspect that’s next. I am hoping my most recent dose of pain reliever does SOMETHING to alleviate some of this because while it IS working, it’s only giving me short bursts of relief. I legitimately need it to rain so that I can potentially feel better. As of this moment, it’s not scheduled to rain at all for the next ten days. The last thing I want to do is suffer a full week like this. If it seems as though my migraines have worsened since my move, that would be 100% correct. They have increased by over 60% and based on my research, it is due to my proximity to the ocean. In all fairness, when I lived further inland, they were much more intense pain-wise and they were certainly chronic, that hasn’t changed, but I didn’t begin tracking them until this past September, so it’s not fair to blame location alone. But in all honesty, no one wants to lose so many days to horrific headaches that do not respond to medication or alternative treatments. When you’ve tried everything, you eventually lose your patience. I don’t have a lot of patience to begin with, so whatever I did have in regard to my migraines died a long time ago. I know that’s not the greatest attitude to have, but inside that attitude are tiny shreds of hope that the next treatment, and I already know what it will be, will work. It’s legitimately my last hope unless something else comes up with a higher success rate sometime this year.
Suffering from migraines is unpredictable. People don’t understand why I say “no” to invitations, but it’s usually because I never know if I’ll get slammed with a migraine and be sick. In a room full of 50+ people, it’s bound to happen. I’m wise enough to avoid my major triggers as much as possible, but some days I simply want to live my life as though they don’t exist.
Tomorrow, I am going to attempt to do just that. I hope that it’s enjoyable for me because I’ve spent far too many days, weeks, and weekends locked up, hiding from the sun and all stimuli, because hearing the radio or even just someone’s voice, makes me sick to death. I keep the door cracked for Cat and Kitten because they like to check on me, but even just a crack of noise is too much when I’m this sick. I wish people understood that and were able to be more respectful. C’est la vie. I cannot expect out of others what I grant, but I’m tired of repeating myself.
In case I am silent this weekend, I wish all of my subscribing fathers a Happy Father’s Day. I lost my father almost nine years ago and it’s hard for me to discuss it because in my family, Father’s Day wasn’t as big a deal as Mother’s Day was. However, there are some truly amazing Dad’s out there and they’re deserving of a day all their own. Especially the few I know who are widowed and raising a child or children solo. It’s a tough job, no matter how you look at it.
I’ll be back as soon as I can. Blessed Be.
copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Dance Around The Flame
Head Meet Sink
I detest going from graceful human-being to absolute klutz. Try explaining cuts, burns, bumps, and bruises to people without looking like a battered woman. It’s damn near impossible.
A few months ago my right wrist was covered in scratches of varying lengths. To the average passerby, it would have looked like I’d tried to harm myself. All of them were merely superficial idiocy, except for the cat scratches. The unhealed scar is, thankfully, far from any veins or tendons, so if someone was looking, hopefully they wouldn’t be thinking anything untoward.
However, explaining the stupidity of hitting my head not once, but twice in a day, is much more complicated. In attempting to organize something in the powder room the other day, I didn’t realize how close my head was to the sink and whack! It was a stupid accident, with me somehow thinking I had a lot more space than I did. The second was pure stupidity minutes later when I turned to move a rug (Because hey, I already had my head down. Don’t be disgusting, I was straightening something.) and my forehead smacked into a metal toilet paper holder. Not the kind attached to the wall, the kind that sits in a bathroom and is both a method of storage and “in use”. Believe it or not, that hurt far worse than the sink. 😦 Perhaps it was the angle. I debated going to the ER for an MRI or a cat scan, but it’s too soon to know with any certainty if I have a concussion. I don’t want to ask someone to go with me for very personal reasons. Yes, I could have called 911, but it’s not a true emergency. However, as I sit here writing with a headache I cannot get rid of and a spot on my forehead that hurts pretty bad, to the point where I hope it bruises, I am concerned. I’m trying not to be though, because focusing on it too much will only result in stressing myself out. The headache is bad enough without additional stress, and Lord knows this has been an eye-opening week. 😦
I’m in the process of making an appointment to apply for insurance in this state. I’ve already waited over 72 hours for the person who handles this to get back to me. I am hoping she is on vacation and/or extremely busy because I hate having to call anyone twice to make an appointment for something that is supposed to take “about an hour”. Call me crazy, but returning a phone call with dates and times of your availability and writing one down isn’t THAT difficult. It’s less than five minutes of your time. My previous insurance is not accepted here, so I have to begin the application process from scratch. I’ve never dealt with a more asinine online system in my life, and that’s saying something. I tried, I really did. My patience level went below 100 and that was the end of it. Unless you have the patience of a saint, getting the forms filled out online is going to make you throw things, curse, etc. Here’s hoping it only takes a few months because I am still paying off a medical bill from last year when I didn’t have insurance.
For anyone to say to me “But that was last year…”, as if they know how much the bill was and/or what was done is courting disaster. If you actually care, ask me what happened. Have you ever looked at what doctors charge people without insurance? It’s astronomical, because they don’t make enough via insurance companies per patient and they absolutely pass that down to the uninsured by making us suffer in a myriad of ways. It was more than one visit and more involved than I’d like to discuss. I will need to find a new dermatologist as soon as I have insurance because other issues have come to the surface and I have every reason in the world to be concerned. The whole “discuss this with your primary care physician” crap gets old when you need referrals for everything. I’ve never been a fan of the referral system. I feel we should be able to see the participating providers we want to see within a reasonable time-frame. When you say something is serious, you don’t want to be told they have an appointment for you in January of next year. It’s reached a point where doctors are overbooked and completely full of themselves. Especially the ones that are always “on vacation”. Monthly?! Perhaps you’d like to adopt me.
People who have relatively decent health, and those who go to the doctor for every wrong turn, do not understand the trials and tribulations of those of us who are suffering, especially those of us who suffer chronically. They might temporarily empathize and/or sympathize, but I can tell you from personal experience that being aggressive with me about anything will get you absolutely nowhere. Unless I’ve asked for your medical opinion, I’m perfectly capable of figuring shit out on my own. Always have, always will. I’m many things, but I am NOT a moron. And if you don’t truly care about me, I don’t need your “medical opinions” on health issues you don’t personally have.
A migraine sufferer would prefer to discuss migraines with another migraine sufferer. A Fibromyalgia sufferer would prefer to speak to someone with an autoimmune disease than someone who openly debates why you are “always sick” or “always in pain”. Seriously? No, I’m not truly in agony. I just like to say that I am for shits and giggles, especially when it keeps me in bed for days at a time! 😦 Pain is pain. I’d appreciate mine not being denounced by anyone who hasn’t experienced it for themselves. Mind you, I would not wish this on anyone, but I do wish people remained compassionate instead of having an expiration date on their feelings. I don’t roll like that. My loyalty is everlasting, and it’s something I am proud of. I would rather hold someone’s hand and weather the storm together than pretend the storm does not exist and walk past them multiple times a day, as though nothing is wrong. I cannot be fake like that, and I won’t be. My tolerance for false behavior is nil.
I find it unsettling that many people don’t understand the difference between someone being real and a person being some sort of manipulative mastermind. Since this has been implied to me, I have to question the sanity of anyone who knows me and could think such a thing. One, I don’t have the time to mastermind anything that isn’t intelligent, creative, and going to benefit my life and future happiness, and two, I pride myself on being real. Being a manipulative bitch takes up time and effort I don’t have in my daily life. It is also a sheer waste of energy.
Whenever I have an issue with someone or something, I go directly to the source. I don’t act like a child and behave like a psycho when it is far easier and more mature to sit down with the other person and discuss the problem once cooler heads have prevailed. I expect that kind of behavior from a teenager, but when an adult does it, it’s a turn-off. Be they male or female, it’s ugly, and not something I can respect. If you have an issue with me, please come and talk to me about it. Things can always be discussed without resorting to nastiness. However, if nastiness keeps you focused and content, by all means, stew in it. I genuinely want to see where it gets you.
After being treated so viciously this week, I made sure a close friend knew that I’m here for her no matter what, 24/7. I would rather listen to you and support you through the good and the bad, as opposed to pretending all is right in the world. When my friends and family suffer, so to do I, but as someone reminded me this week, it is important to cut negativity out of your life for good. By proxy, I am a realist. I can be negative to and about myself, I have moments of pessimism and optimism, but I am not walking around with a negative attitude to direct at the world. If I did, people would not respond to me the way they do. I wouldn’t receive messages of encouragement, people would simply say nothing or discuss me solely behind my back. I am certain the latter does occur, I simply don’t care. To each their own. If that brings you genuine comfort, so mote it be.
My life has changed drastically in the past year, and in truth, the past nine years haven’t been a fucking picnic. I have been through absolute HELL, and therefore I have compassion for those who have also suffered. Those who know that about me, but continue to hurt me by spewing venom, hatred, lies, and twisting the truth to make themselves feel better are only hurting themselves. I find myself embarrassed for you. Simply by existing, you are not superior to me, just as I am not superior to you. You can work with me or you can beat a bloody horse for all I care (that’s literal, I am not promoting the abuse of animals), but I won’t accept emotional and verbal abuse in a polite manner.
I have found that when people attack you, it’s mainly because the issues lie with them. They refuse to look at their own shortcomings in the mirror and face facts, so they lash out at those closest to them. Someone ought to study people like that. I can’t decide if they’re fascinating to watch (kind of like a psychological thriller) or if they’re simply psychotic beyond words. I don’t find mental health a laughing matter, but I do wish people who can take medication and feel better by doing so would stay on the damn stuff. When they don’t, I feel like they blink red within my life. “Danger! Stay away!” But then you see them talking to someone else as if they’re perfectly normal and you question sociopathic behavior much more closely. When a person shows no capacity for love, that’s a sure sign for me.
My doctor once explained to me that we ALL display traits of personality disorders (Personally, I was mortified.), but it doesn’t mean that we indeed have one. I test at 5% or under for all major personality disorders, so I feel confident that while I am reactive, and not the first person to join and/or play well with others, that there is a reason behind my methods, and being hurt is at the top of that list.
As I stated previously, my tolerance for false behavior is nil. I know when someone isn’t being 100% honest with me and while I will occasionally allow that to slide if it’s unimportant, I will absolutely call someone out on the big things. I may not do so right away, as everyone responds differently to your approach, but I am done being hurt and lied to. It is an unfortunate inevitability that it will happen again between now and the end of my life, because life is still life, but much like this bump on my head, I don’t have to accept it.
I promise to be more careful with my head if other people promise to drain the endless negativity within themselves in the God damn sink.
Wishing my American cohorts a pleasant holiday weekend, as we celebrate Memorial Day. For all my other readers, make sure you enjoy your weekend, too. Don’t drink and drive and wear plenty of sunscreen.
copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Characterize People
Fire and Smiles
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 