Honesty

Pull The Covers Up And Leave Me Alone

Miss Poison Being Real, Depression, Emotional Pain, Exhaustion, Honesty, Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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I’m a pretty dark person. I have a wicked sense of humor and I’ll say anything goofy to make someone laugh, but when it’s my life, there isn’t a lot I perceive as humorous. I’m not the kind of person who laughs at someone else’s pain or who enjoys hearing about someone’s breakups, divorces, illnesses, a death, etc. Laughing at other people’s pain is evil, in my eyes. When someone mentioned losing their Mom last week, I sat on my couch and cried. I’d already endured a rough week and hearing the words “My Mom passed away, but she’s at peace.” made me ill. I felt SO bad for this person. I was relieved that they had support from a spouse, friends, and family. That made me feel better for them, despite the fact that losing a parent at any age is one of the worst things one can go through. I should know; I’ve already lost both of mine. I’d give a lot to have even just one of them back. I spend every day of my life feeling like an absolute orphan.

I am good at listening to others and giving exceptional advice, but I’m not very good at listening to myself in an advisory capacity. The last thing I want to hear is the sound of my own voice. I spend a lot of time trying to shut the inside of my head up. I don’t do drugs, so that means I pull the covers around me (usually because I’m cold) and close my eyes. After a few minutes, kitten comes to check on me and she’ll cuddle in, which always makes me feel cared for. She’ll look at me with such loving green eyes and I know that she is conveying her concern for me. “Why are you sad, Mama? Don’t worry, I’ll stay with you. ” And she doesn’t leave my side until I leave the room. She is the epitome of loyal, and it is gratifying to see so much love from such a little person.

Cat also checks on me. These last few weeks she has been very observant of my unhappiness and has spent a lot of time watching me, cuddling with me, sitting on my lap at times, and looking for me. If I leave a room, she’ll trot after me to make sure I’m okay. She stares at me with her deeply knowing little face. I can almost hear her thinking “Mommy’s not okay. I always hear her say ‘I’m not okay.’, why doesn’t anyone listen to her?” I don’t know.

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I’ve been so miserable that I’ve struggled emotionally in deep, dark places. Very few people have noticed and even fewer have shown me that they care. That’s okay, because it only proves what I already know; Most people live on their own fucking planet and aren’t aware that other people exist. Good for them, but please, stay the hell out of my lane or I will mow you down for shits and giggles. I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone who has their head that far up their own ass, though I am slightly impressed with their ability to physically aim so high. Since their heads never come out, there is no need to stock up on Listerine for the “great hose down of 2015”. I’ve decided to ignore assholes, douchebags, and vicious souls for the foreseeable future. I don’t care who the person is any more, I don’t need the stupidity and heartlessness.

Oftentimes people forget that all forms of depression can strike them down at any given moment. They can be the happiest person in the happiest place, and suddenly feel as though there are no words for their internal pain. Lying about it, pretending it does not exist, and blowing off the pain of others to make yourself seem stronger doesn’t make you better, it makes you afraid of being stigmatized. It’s 2015. Get the antiquated thinking out of your head and stop being an asshole to yourself, and others. It takes strength to treat a chemical imbalance. It takes strength to talk about it. You should be ashamed if you’re lying about it and hiding it. You should be even more ashamed if you’ve hurt friends that suffer because you can’t handle the fact that they’re stronger than you are. Yelling at someone who is suffering is not helpful. Screaming at them is even less helpful. You either want to help someone because you genuinely love and care about them or you scream because you lack proper communication skills.

I will yell when I’m frustrated, I will tell someone to back off or leave me alone when I am frustrated and need space, but the only person I abuse is myself.

I never know with any certainty if I will emerge from these dark places. Medication isn’t an option for me. I wait for new drugs to be released every few years to see if something new will be the answer. And by new, I mean NEW, I do not mean reformulated with a new name, which is what most pharmaceutical companies do when a major money-making drug is about to go generic. They will re-release it under a new name, having slightly tweaked it. If you’re not proactive in researching these drugs, you will spend years taking the same fucking crap, experiencing the same horrible side effects, wondering why you never feel better.

I am the exception, not the rule. Many people do find medication that works after some trial and error, even if only for short periods of time. I am chemically sensitive and I have been written off as “treatment-resistant”, which means that my brain doesn’t respond to all sorts of crazy chemical cocktails. No drug has ever worked for me on a long-term basis. Every time I “go dark”, it is up to me, and me alone, to try to pull myself out of the deep, dark hole before things get worse. I’m really tired of everyone’s opinions in regard to that. When you’re hurting, you want to be understood. You don’t want to hear hypocrisy or “That’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Um, NO. I will have this for the rest of my life. That my friends, is fucking permanent.

I will never be a perfect, blooming flower for anyone. I wish people understood that depression does not diminish who I am, it does not detract from what I bring to the table. It does not make me less talented, less intelligent, or less anything. If anything, it makes me the more interesting person in the room with a little more vibrancy at times because I hold a lot back daily. I don’t shine all of the time, but when I do, I highly suggest wearing sunglasses.

Here’s hoping I will soon shine again.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

stayingquiet

Trolling

Miss Poison Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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If you’ve excommunicated, dismissed, rejected, “broken up”, “divorced”, or tossed a person from your life, no matter who that person may be, then I see absolutely NO reason in hell for you to troll their Facebook page, Twitter account, Instagram, Pinterest, website, blog, or any other form of social media looking for updates or insight as to how their life is without you in it. In fact, I find the behavior utterly pathetic. Why am I mentioning this? Because I’ve got a few trolls and I can’t stand the hypocrisy.

If you don’t want me in your life, that’s fine. Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you, but don’t think I don’t know when you’re reading my work. I have tracking software and I know your IP address. Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling?!

When I let someone go from my life, that’s it. Done means DONE. It doesn’t mean I check in on them via social media, it means I’m DONE. I will always keep what they’ve told me private because that’s how I roll, I will not discuss them by name to anyone, but do I feel the need to cyber stalk them? No. I mourn the loss of the relationship and I move forward. I was fine before you and I will be fine after you. Eventually I might even forget their name (Okay, that’s not true. Their name goes on a list to send to my Bolverk. Anyone who understands that reference gets ten points.), but I stand firm in my decision. Some people are meant to pass through your life and show you things, they’re not meant to be a permanent staple. Live and let live.

I find it disturbing when people, even in a minor way, feel the need to troll another person’s life. When someone treats me like shit and then disappears, I know it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own shortcomings and issues. I don’t see the point in a person like that continuing to read my work. What the hell are you expecting to find? Because if you’d like your name, address, phone/cell number, and/or Social Security Number listed on my header, I have news for you: No one is important enough for me to be so bothered. I have a life. It’s not the life of Jennifer Lopez or Bill Gates, but it is still a life and I do not feel the need to be vengeful because you’re deranged. Once again: Life was fine before you and it’s moving along at a steady pace without you. Unlike your imagination, the world does not revolve around you or your role, or lack thereof, in my life.

I respect and value my friends/friendships. I hold them in very high regard. If you blow the opportunity to be a part of that, it’s 100% on you. I let it fly because you cannot keep friends who don’t want to be kept and you cannot force people into friendships when they have ulterior motives or they come into a friendship with trust issues stemming from the past. I can only be myself. Loyal, present, and real. I am not going to change to make other people more comfortable. I don’t need to put myself in a small box because a few people can’t handle the fact that I am a strong personality who won’t eat shit politely with a knife and fork.

You either want me in your life or you don’t. I let you make your own decisions, and then I decide if I value you enough to allow you to return. If you don’t want me in your life, but you’re entertained by my pain, stop fucking trolling places you have no business being. That’s not “being a good person”, that’s being a hypocrite. May God explain the difference to you because you clearly have the common sense of a beach ball.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

bythepower

Inappropriate Timing

Miss Poison Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Uncategorized, Writing , , , , , ,

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I’ve been working on different things I wanted to discuss, but in light of what’s happening all over the world at the moment, I’m shelving several pieces until tempers and emotions scale back a bit. I am not insensitive and can see where people could/would get upset at an inappropriately timed post. I had NO idea these things would happen as I was preparing and writing, obviously. I simply wrote from my perspective. Life is, at best, unpredictable.

I pray that better days, better moments, are waiting for all of us.

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For those of you who’ve checked in on me via e-mail or other forms of social media these last few days: THANK YOU. I’m never entirely sure if people truly care or if they’re just being nosey, but I know that at least a few of you truly DO care about me and I appreciate it.

I know that a lot of you run in the same circles as people who dislike me. Yes, there are people who dislike my cheer, charm, and blatant honesty. It’s astounding, isn’t it? 😉 I don’t blow smoke up their ass and tell them what they want to hear, therefore I am not a part of their cliques. I weep openly about it…never. If any of you are attempting to play both sides, know that I am aware that some people get pulled into the middle of things for no reason whatsoever. If someone says something to you and you have no idea why they’re coming to you with it, please be kind enough to say something to me before I find out. I don’t usually kill messengers, unless the delivery is really bad.

Thank all that is Holy that tomorrow is Friday. I’ve got studying to do (Yay!), editing to focus on, but mostly, I just want to get as much sleep as humanly possible and clean up my DVR queue in preparation for Fall premieres. It’s unbelievable how little there is to watch. That should free up lots of time for writing and new things on the horizon.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Irritability Isn’t Cute

Miss Poison Exhaustion, Honesty, Life, Migraines, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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I HURT. There’s no getting around that. After nearly two straight weeks where I haven’t missed a single dose of Topamax, a migraine broke through last night. I was waiting for it. I expected it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as a migraine without a preventive in my system, but after almost two weeks with just an occasional mild headache, it was still an awful lot of pain during a time when the rest of my body was flaring up something fierce. It was only made worse by the fact that I couldn’t sleep.

This morning I decided not to punish the medication. It didn’t fail me, there will always be migraines that break through, so I took my dose, managed a little water, made a quick phone call, and now I am sitting here waiting for that call to be returned. I have documents to proof for printing later today and honestly, I am OUT after that. Just put my whiny, bitchy ass to bed and leave me here until my attitude improves. No one ever said irritability is cute, but when you can hear yourself sound utterly miserable, all you want to do is duct tape your mouth shut. Or maybe that’s just me?

Update on Maggie: This poor dog is STILL being mistreated. Apparently her paperwork checked out and the father backed off, but my next door neighbor (the husband) is expecting to be sued over the dog bite. He never added the dog to his insurance when they agreed to take the dog on temporarily for six months. His wife’s son is across the country doing some sort of mandatory USMC training and left the dog with his mother. I’m not sure if he’s ever MET his mother, but last night, while I was trying to do I don’t even remember what in silence, all I could hear was her screaming “Maggie, NO!” at the top of her lungs. I was already sick, or I would have gone outside and said “Hey bitch! What the fuck is this poor dog doing that is worth yelling at her for? Have you ever heard of a dog trainer? Perhaps they can take you for a few weeks and train you how to behave. All the dog ever does is bark and run away from you. That should tell you everything you need to know.” Alas, I was stopped because someone (not me) thought that was “a bit harsh”. I truly don’t think it could be harsh enough. Yelling and screaming at an animal is tantamount to abuse. Surely there are other family members that could take her and care for her until November/December. If you love an animal, you don’t leave it behind with an insane person. You also don’t name it like it’s a person, but hey, to each their own. People do tend to do that with dogs.

Animals don’t understand or respond to yelling. It is simply traumatic for them. I’ve seen animals run and hide if a person is simply speaking loudly, not even yelling, so some animals are more traumatized than other from being in a shelter, foster situation, from being re-homed, etc. Much like people, animals have triggers too and it is important to pay attention and be able to identify them.

In this, animals are a lot less dramatic and wishy-washy than people are. They either love you or they don’t, but once they do, they are with you ’til the end. Animals understand loyalty far better than people do.

When I come back in my next life, I am coming back as a cat.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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It’s Okay To Change Your Mind

Miss Poison False Friends, Friends, Friendship, Honesty, Negativity, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Relationships, Writing , , ,

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It amazes me how different people identify different things within you. Some people have this incredible ability to truly see inside your soul, whereas others only see enough until you no longer serve a purpose in their life.

A friend recently told me I had a “beautiful light within” and later pointed out that I am a “ride or die friend”. She & I haven’t been friends long, so I found it interesting that she was able to pick up on crucial things about me so quickly.

There will always be people in your life who will look for things to pick apart. Ignore them. I’m not kidding, flick them away with your finger. They are so screwed up inside that the only way for them to feel better about themselves is to look at someone else and try to tear them down. It’s not about you, it’s about the sickness inside them. I can’t look at anyone and try to make myself feel better by over-analyzing their flaws. We are ALL flawed. No one is perfect, though I HAVE had people profess to be. All one can do is shake their head at blatant lies like that. People like that have forgotten that once you lie to yourself, it’s game over.

On occasion someone comes into your life and you connect. You feel like they’re a kindred soul and will be a part of your life forever. And then, in an eerie moment, they show you how false they are. How their friendship comes with terms and conditions that would make a credit card company proud. In that moment, it is entirely okay to change your mind and say “On second thought, NO THANK YOU.” Cut that plastic son of a bitch up with the sharpest scissor you can find, and send their falseness into the trash. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I don’t respond well to passive-aggressive bullshit or ultimatums from people who are the wrongdoers playing victim. It goes all over me the wrong way. I can give a person credit for saying they’re sorry, but sometimes it truly is “too little, too late”.

Crappy people remind me who are my true friends are. They remind me why I’m not open to letting new people in. They remind me that no one has the right to hurt me, not even me.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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This Shouldn’t Have Happened

Miss Poison Animal Bites, Honesty, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , ,

Saturday evening was…eventful. And by ‘eventful’, I will say it involved my neighbor’s new dog (who she cannot control, keep on its leash, etc.), a neighbor down the street’s daughter, and the cops. In front of my house. I thought it was going to result in World War III based solely on the level of hostility and yelling that occurred before the police arrived.

The dog, heretofore to be referred to by her name, has been getting loose. I can’t say that I blame her. That woman can’t take care of herself, leave alone a dog!

Friday evening she got loose and was running through my yard trying to kill small animals. It took my idiot neighbor and her husband over 20 minutes as she sped through my yard, the yard next door to mine on the other side, and then proceeded across the street into two additional yards before they were finally able to get her back on her leash. Interestingly enough, no one called Animal Control. (I’m being facetious.)

Saturday night was an entirely different story. Maggie got loose for the umpteenth time and tore down the street where she bit another neighbor’s daughter before they were able to catch up with her. Instead of handling the situation like adults over 50, they left the child behind with a dog bite because to them, it was “no big deal”. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. 

The father got in his truck and sped down the street, parking across the street from my house. Maggie was now on her leash being “walked” as if she’s well-behaved when the father got out and screamed at my utterly insane next door neighbor “Is that YOUR dog?!” Arguing ensued over his child’s welfare and she had the nerve to tell him it was “Just a scratch and NO BIG DEAL.” Additional words were said, she was blowing the entire situation off, and he flipped out and said “I’m calling the cops.” and proceeded to wait with a few of his younger children. That’s when other people started gathering. Welcome to the nosey neighbor society.

The father was furious, as undoubtedly any of us would be. When the police arrived (apparently the township is low-budget, they sent one officer, not two.),  she immediately turns on her lying voice. I know it because I’ve lived here since before she moved in and I’ve heard her use it many times. She is one of the fakest people I have ever met. I knew she was lying before she even opened her mouth, but the priceless part was her waddling across the street to the police officer with her cell phone recording everything. Really? What is she going to use that for? YouTube? Was she expecting to be arrested? It was ludicrous, but I cannot do it justice because I was dying from the stupidity of it all.

The father had a very valid point; he wanted to make sure that Maggie was fully vaccinated and that his daughter did not need a rabies shot at the Emergency Room. He asked to see her papers (I can say that even my cats have these little rabies disks with their paperwork that prove they’ve been vaccinated) and she had NOTHING to produce, except a phone number for where Maggie had apparently been “fully vetted” (her words, not mine). Instead of the officer writing her a ticket, which I KNOW they LOVE to do, or fining her, which SHOULD have been done on the fucking spot, he simply says he will follow-up with the shelter and leaves. He didn’t even look at the bite wound or the dog, which I find utterly mind-blowing.

This was a child and I cannot abide by an animal tearing down the street and biting anyone. It’s unacceptable. Her father wouldn’t have lost it if it were truly “just a scratch” or if the situation had been properly handled as in, “Let’s call 911 and get someone to check you out, sweetie.” As a precaution. That’s the right thing to do. It’s the responsible thing to do. One of our neighbors is a vet, she could have looked at the bite and determined whether or not it didn’t look right or if it would be okay with at-home first aid.

Second, this is also a dog’s life. She’ll be a great dog for someone, but not them. The dog is as innocent as the child, but it is in the custody of the wrong people. In turn, I am personally going to wait to see if she gets loose again. If she does, I am going down to the police station myself and filing a report because they are the last people in the world that should be caring for a pet. They scream at her all the time, which explains why she runs from them and bolts for the gate the second their backs are turned, and neither of them is home to give her the attention she needs. None of the other dogs in this neighborhood are barking their heads off at three a.m., but she is and I often wonder if they’re putting her outside at night. The thought hurts my heart. It’s only been the last few days or so where I’ve seen her being taken for walks, before that, she was only allowed in the backyard where she’d incessantly be yelled at “No Maggie, NO!” every other second or where she’d follow them around like a really unintelligent animal. I suspect the walks, where she physically pulls her “owner” (and I use that terms so loosely, it’s not even funny) down the street, is because neither of them want to scoop dog poop off their sainted yard. Some people TRULY shouldn’t own animals because they have no idea how much responsibility it entails.

For many years I wanted a dog, but I had a moment where I sat down and saw how much work it would be and I made the decision to let that dog go to a family that would be able to give it more than I ever could. Maybe not in love, but in the day-to-day physical stuff that I simply cannot do any more. I could never give a dog a full life by confining it to a yard, not being able to walk it or take it to the dog park, etc. It would have been selfish and I’m many things, but selfish isn’t one of them.

So yeah, that was Saturday night. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

WTF Moments & Pushing The Body

Miss Poison Honesty, Life, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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At 4:00 this morning, I thought someone was trying to break into my house. That is precisely how much noise an almost two-year old cat was making in her attempt to climb something, simply to give Mommy the cat version of a middle finger. She scared the crap out of me. I had thirty seconds to decide whether or not to go for a weapon. When I saw her sitting at the top of her destination, all noise has ceased, all I could do was shake my head (Don’t get me wrong, I was PISSED.), crawl from one point of origin to another, and after an hour, I realized sleep was not going to happen, but I was not about to cave and feed them at 5:00 a.m. either, no matter how many times kitten looked at me pathetically and walked me in the direction of the kitchen, as if I am slow and don’t know how to get there on my own. What is it about cats that make us question our own sense of direction? Do your animals accompany you to the kitchen too?

Kitten ate when I got home later than usual last night, but she licked her plate clean. Cat ate maybe six bites in total and ignored me for the rest of the evening. She clearly had other interests and apparently food was not on the agenda. She came to visit me when I was getting ready for bed so that she could get cuddles, kisses, and praise, but truly, she’s become so picky about food that I am considering A) A raw cat diet or B) Cooking for them myself. Both sound insane, I know, but I was reading an article and this women talked about how, by buying meat in bulk at Costco, BJ’s, or Sam’s Club, she feeds multiple cats for less than $5 a week. That is unbelievable, and quite savvy. I’m not sure about all of the supplements she talked about adding, but I clearly understand the meat she uses. That’s not complicated, though it could be if you are spending hours doing nothing but cooking for two cats. However, if it will prolong their lives and make them healthier inside and out, it’s an investment in their future. She talked about how the diet change has reduced vet visits, etc. It’s certainly an interesting concept. It sounded as though all the meals could be prepared once every two weeks, in advance, by freezing them. Again, that reduces how much physical labor you’re putting into it. Technically you could set aside a few hours and do it, the same as you would for yourself. If I do decide to go this route, I will mention it and whether or not it works for me and the littles.

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As for me… I did way too much yesterday and I hurt like HELL. From my neck to my toes, I am moving like a hunchback. If the makers of Aleve knew exactly how much of their product I’d taken between late last evening and this morning, they’d be asking me to sign a waiver, absolving them of any and all responsibility. #HealthcareSucks

When I got home last night I put everything away, changed my clothes, washed my face twice (that may sound like overkill, but the first time I was removing makeup, which I did with the help of a wipe. The second time I was making sure my face was completely clean by traditional methods.), and was relieved not to be out in the humidity that a very popular meteorologist claimed was “92 degrees with 80 percent humidity”. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. From one channel/station to another, be it radio or television, everyone was reporting different temperatures and humidity. One media outlet, in the very same area, said it was closer to 100 degrees with 100 percent humidity. That sounds about right. It was a physical slap to be outside in heat so thick, you could barely breathe. Even if you’ve never had a breathing problem in your life (like me), you walked away from yesterday with some sort of cough or breathing problem. For several hours I thought I was going to be violently sick, pass out from heat exhaustion, or fall and be run over by a car. Even with a large bottle of water with me, there was no amount that would have been “enough”. I also got caught in a heavy thunderstorm with ground to sky lightning. The rain was much more intense than the storm itself and today, more storms, more rain. That’s okay though because underneath my vampire pale skin, I am pretty sure I look like multiple trucks have hit me and then backed over my body. There’s got to be a different way to say “I feel like I’m battered and bruised internally.” However, that is often what Fibromyalgia feels like when you push your body too hard. Alas, shit’s gotta get done and I’m a one woman show.

Today I get to rest. I even went back to sleep and slept soundly, which is surprising, but I’m glad I got that extra few hours. Tomorrow I have phone calls to make and other things to tackle, but all in all, I am going to breathe. There are only 24 hours in a day and none of us are Superwoman. I, however, am not giving back the cape. 😉

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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