Month: September 2014

Emotionally Bad Days

Miss Poison Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Growth, Health, Humor, Pieces Of Me, Unfiltered, Writing , , , , , , , ,

I don’t care how positive you are about life, or the world at large, an emotionally bad day can, and will, screw with you.

I was up way too late last night, which I partially blame on a phone call, but take full responsibility for the rest. I was beat, but for some reason, I couldn’t calm myself down enough to sleep. By the time I got into bed, my pain had escalated so bad I wanted to cry, scream, throw things, and just plain have an epic tantrum. Alas, I’m not under the age of 10, so tantrums don’t look very good and aren’t acceptable, not even in the privacy of my own home. All I truly wanted was some rest and the pain to stop. I am not sure if anyone else uses any Icy/Hot type of product with Fibromyalgia or Chronic Pain. I have had decent results with an organic one, but right now the pain is so bad that there’s simply no reason to be concerned about a chemical that MIGHT affect you some day up the road. Not when you’re a step away from ripping your own limbs off with your bare hands. Believe it or not, Walmart makes the BEST generic version of this stuff that I have ever used. I can cover my entire back and legs in it and fall asleep in bliss. Even better, it lasts longer, so I will remain asleep. Note To Self: MUST BUY TOMORROW.

Experiencing pain like this day in and day out is very difficult for me to navigate. It screws with my creative process, it slows down my brain capacity because my body is, essentially, battling itself, and it makes me feel like a complete and utter moron that cannot find her words. I am incredibly articulate, but I have days when my words are absolutely baffling, even to me. Sometimes they’re funny, and easily laughed off, and other times I am disturbed by how the concise thought in my head became the most distorted sentence ever to be heard by another person. Thankfully the people in my life aren’t judging me too harshly. I’ll say something bizarre, I’ll get stared at for a second or two, and then we’ll laugh. Or it will be SO outrageous that I’ll still be hearing about it weeks later, because it’s that funny and so unlike me. I say goofy shit all the time to make people laugh and to make them feel better, but when it’s completely unintentional, it can become a bit of a laugh fest.

Today, I take the time to rest. Yesterday was too highly charged emotionally for me, and I am still freaked out. I am praying for better, stronger days ahead. I am trying to ward off the negative by focusing on the positive and looking clearly at my future. Some days I feel so incredibly old that I don’t think there’s much of a future there, but then I realize that I’m not in the grave just yet, so it’s time to keep fighting.

And fight on, I shall.

P.S. Thank you & WELCOME to all the new subscribers. I am so humbled and awed by the positive support. I notice many of you are following me on both platforms and for that, I cannot say thank you enough. 🙂

 

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Have You Ever Had A Day…

Miss Poison Being Real, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Health, Honesty, Life, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thoughts, Unbelievable Crap, Uncategorized, Unfiltered, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

Have You Ever Had A Day…

 

We’ve all had days where we’d like to call into work or life “dead”. For me, today is one of those days. I’ve reached a breaking point. It started yesterday, when I had to walk away from a very serious look at suicide. No, I am not seeking attention with my honesty, I am simply being forthcoming. Why do so many things have to go wrong all at once? Why does every single thing in life revolve around money?

Money equates security, and it also equates greed, depending on how you look at it. Some people are so greedy for “stuff” that they never realize they could be helping someone in need. It doesn’t even occur to them. No matter how bad things get in my life, I always look at where I came from and if a small donation to charity will make a difference, then I will do it. If helping someone with a problem, or simply being a good person is what is needed of me on any given day, then I don’t even think about it, I just do it.

For me, money is about security. It’s about making sure the bills are paid, there is a roof over my head, and food on the table. It’s also about providing for my overall health. Yes, I like nice things, what woman doesn’t, but if it comes down to buying something shiny and buying food, I am going to choose food. If it comes down to paying my bills or buying something fancy, I am going to pay my bills. In this, I feel like my priorities are in check. Someone suggested to me that during my struggles, I get rid of my cat. I was LIVID.  I would rather STARVE than surrender a precious little life that trusts and loves me into the hands of a shelter. Who else will cheer me up with her insane antics and ankle biting?!

Some days though, I simply don’t know how I survive, or why. These past two years have been a terrible struggle for me with my health, with family, and life in general. When you’re suffering, finances dwindle pretty quickly. As my health worsens, I am faced with the very real possibility of being homeless, of requiring a pain pump to help manage the Fibromyalgia, and possibly a wheelchair. I assure you that I am far too young for the last two, and yet, these are all very real possibilities. Moreover, they’re terrifying.

If you believe in a Higher Power, today I ask that you say a little prayer for anyone and everyone suffering and struggling. I will do the same. I believe strongly in the power of prayer, and I also believe that sometimes the best things comes out of the absolute worst things.

Today I find myself desperate, humbled, and scared for so many reasons. I have nothing left, but to believe that God has answers, and that they will soon show themselves in unexpected ways.

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Greetings!

Miss Poison Images/Photos/Quotes, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thoughts, Writing ,

Hello lovely people.

I last wrote about character death. It’s not going so well. It’s not so much the writing as it is my anger. Sometimes writing out your personal anger/issues is very therapeutic (not to mention, cheaper), and sometimes it is distracting to the point where you find that you spent 20 minutes organizing magazines for your guns, and that you did it in order of caliber. 9mm, .40, .45. I chose to leave everything else on the side. I even organized by Glock, Sig Sauer, etc. I was told you should have at least 5-7 back-ups per gun. I find myself appalled that I have exceeded such expectations. I have no idea if I’m prepared for a person, or a bear. Is it better to be prepared and never need them?

I don’t get true writer’s block, but I do get annoyed. I find that the best thing to do is walk away from whatever it is I am writing once I’ve reached annoyance level. There is always time to re-visit what you’re writing. Coming back refreshed helps rid me of my annoyance, and it helps the words flow much smoother than they would if I had “ridden it out”. I’m absolutely NOT going to sit here and stare at the screen unless I’ve got words to type. It’s not going to happen. I can take a break, drink some water, and do other things. It need not be forced. If I force the work, it will show, and I’ll have to scrap it any way, so I have learned not to push. One of the benefits of 27 years of writing experience is that I know when to back off and give myself some space. I trust my instincts implicitly. In turn, I’m shelving the deaths and will re-focus my attention on book 1 re-writes.

Recently someone asked me how many times they should re-write and/or revise a manuscript before submission. They’d done four revisions, I believe. I strongly encouraged them NOT to say “This has been revised four times.” in their query letter because absolutely no literary agent wants to hear such a small number. I did not say to lie, but I did say “Get someone you trust to look it over with a discerning eye.” (If you’re a writer reading this, I would also encourage you to hire someone via Elance.com to do a full-on edit, and be open to their ideas for changes, but do not for a single second think that you can throw $50 at someone and that the end result will be perfect. You get what you pay for, I know because I’ve been editing for about 19 years. Come to the table with a really solid budget. $400-$500, at the very least, and select someone who has, at minimum, 10 years of editing experience.  If you want to pay hourly, you can certainly come to the table with a smaller budget based on how many chapters you have, but in order to know you’re making the right choice with someone, I’d only send them the first two chapters. If that doesn’t come back solid, find someone else to finish the job.). They want to hear that you’ve put YEARS into writing this book and that they’re not simply looking at a first draft you’ve been playing around with for six months. Essentially, they will be the determining factor for so much, so respect their position and bring your A game.

I will be back soon with some interesting topics of discussion. Enjoy the rest of your week.

gointo

 

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED