Eight years ago tonight, I got a phone call that changed my life. It wasn’t one of those life-changing “oh, how fabulous” calls, either. It was the kind of call that brings you to your knees. Somehow, I was able to remain upright and forge ahead. By the Grace Of G-d, apparently.
Every day since, I have fought to get pieces of me back. It’s not easy, it will continue to be a battle, but I’m trying.
Today, trying was not an option. Today nearly broke me. I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life.
The reason I am a creative, intelligent, dazzling creature is because my mother willed it into being. It’s how she taught, loved, shared, and dreamed. I didn’t get to live the life she wanted for me, one superior to her own early life, but I’m not afraid to follow my dreams and live outside the box, even when it is scary as hell. I will never stop wishing she was here, because life without her has been difficult beyond words.
If you’re lucky enough to have parents that are still alive, and yes, I’ve lost both of mine, then please, treat them right. Even if they drive you insane, treat them right. For when they are gone, the truly difficult part begins. There’s no true end to grief, you just put one foot in front of the other and attempt to survive.
Tsentr budet derzhat’, mama. Tsentr budet derzhat’. Pokoysya s mirom.
I apologize to all of you for not writing this weekend. I fully intended to complete a post yesterday, but I had to prioritize a horrible Fibro flare and today, despite one of the worst migraines in my life, I forced myself out the door with sunglasses practically glued to my face, on a 30+ minute trek to say my final goodbyes to OGK.
I had hoped there was something that could be done for him, but as I sat with him, I felt his body temperature getting lower and lower, which I know is a sign that a cat is rapidly declining health-wise. I’ve said goodbye to too many not to know the signs.
OGK was abandoned at some point in his cat life in a college town. If you’re a college student and have ever abandoned a cat to the streets upon the end of a semester or graduation, there is a special place in hell for people like you. Cats are a 10-25 year commitment. If you can’t make that commitment to an animal, get a fucking tank of goldfish, but do NOT get a cat and then leave it behind, or worse, move while the cat is taking a walk because you’re stupid enough to allow it to be an outdoor cat. If you’re halfway human, find a no-kill shelter and surrender it, but do NOT toss it out likegarbage and abandon it; it is a living being. It probably loved you, if you weren’t a complete and utter douchebag!
I am personally allergic to cats and proudly owned by two, whom I adopted as kittens. I will take allergy medicine, get shots, whatever it takes, to continue being their mother. There are no excuses. They know this. They know I love them. They know I would walk through fire for them. They are my cubs.
OGK was one of the rare, lucky ones who was rescued from near-death by a family member. It didn’t take him long to decide that he liked me, high praise for a cat that didn’t trust many people, and frightened easily in the early stages of his transition from street-cat to “Royal Highness”. I spent a full month in total, many years ago, teaching him to “own his property” and be the “man of the house”. Every time I saw him, he gained more confidence. It was much like watching a flower blossom.
OGK and I had our differences. He liked to wake me the second I fell asleep (Not good for my Fibro and worse when I had migraines. I have NO patience, and he tested me regularly.), he liked to meow his displeasure at me, but when he needed me most, once in February and again today, he knew I’d be there for him 100%. He knew I could be trusted and that even though I often yelled at him for waking me and driving me insane in those early stages, that I did indeed love him. He understood that I wasn’t truly being mean, that we were just learning things about each other. He allowed me to comfort him when he needed it most. He allowed me to be his friend.
At roughly 3:30 PM EDT, OGK was put to sleep to end his suffering, and my G-d, he was absolutely NOT okay and to allow him to go on as sick as he was would have been evil. He was approximately sixteen years old. But above all, he was LOVED.
I will miss his teddy bear face and his soft ears. I will miss the times he purred just for me. I will miss star-gazing with him and watching the moon with him when it was just the two of us. I will miss saying goodnight to him, when I would whisper “Goodnight my little muffin man, Auntie loves you. Come and get me if you need anything.” I will also miss him keeping me company at times when I am certain I was only good company to a cat.
When I came home this afternoon I picked up my youngest cat and said “Promise me you won’t leave Mommy until you have to, okay?”
Hug and kiss those you love the most. Squeeze them tight. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Not even tomorrow.
This just plain upsets me. Denouncing someone’s pain is a personal trigger for me. Leaving pain patients in a lurch without a referral to a new physician is heinous to me. Until you’ve walked 100 miles in a pain patient’s shoes, do NOT judge their need for medication. I can’t tell you how hard the day and nights are without proper treatment, leave alone without medication.
“The beauty of being shattered is how the shards become our character and our marks of distinction. This is how we are refined by our pain. When the storm rips you to pieces, you get to decide how to put yourself back together again. The storm gives us the gift of our defining choices. You will be a different person after the storm, because the storm will heal you from your perfection. People who stay perfect and unblemished never really get to live fully or deeply. You will not be the same after the storms of life; you will be stronger, wiser, and more alive than ever before!” -Bryant McGill
This information might help some of you avoid migraines. Mine have been horrible from day one, except in Dallas, so obviously I need to move to Israel and live out my days, pronto!
This article infuriated me. I know how I was treated as a child with pain and it wasn’t very different, but I feel like the practices have become worse as an adult with pain, not better. You have to fight for everything, and that is unacceptable to me, but for anyone to denounce the pain of a child just plain rattles my cage!
“Many of us hold on to our pain, afraid to reveal it. Ashamed to admit it. We owe it to ourselves and everyone else to see that all people live painless and free. It is our duty to share what we know if it has helped us to move beyond some darkness in life.” —Iyanla Vanzant
By all means if you’re in any form of pain, do NOT go to this hospital’s ER or the hospital itself. If they cannot properly treat you and are choosing to see everyone as addicts, then they don’t need your money or money from your insurance provider. If I hurt myself or need to be treated in any state, let it NOT be anywhere near this dump! Pain patients aren’t addicts!
I’ve never been given 100 Percocet in one shot for ANYTHING, and that includes broken bones. I don’t feel I deserve to be labeled due to negligence or genuine addictions that escalate.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 