Honesty

Awakened

Miss Poison Writing , , , , , , , , ,

A lot has been going on. Some good, some not so good. I tell myself there’s a reason for everything, but sometimes you feel grief and you’re not entirely sure where to place it. Was it a good thing? Was it a horrible, tragic thing? Ultimately, I came to the decision that it fucking HURTS. I’m a human being, and no one gets to take pain away from me and make it seem like it’s no big deal. Just as I am not allowed to define it for you, no one can define it for me.

It’s hard to know what to make out of senseless loss. This was my second time experiencing such soul-sucking grief that I truly need to shut myself down for a while, and attempt to process it. Hopefully when I return, I will feel less hurt, less angry, and more awakened. One can hope, I guess.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

The Selective Silence

Miss Poison Anti-Semitism, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Silence Breaker, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

You read the news. You see the headlines. They are everywhere. The voices, however, are so silent, I can hear a pin drop from thirty states away. Sit in your silence. I view it as violence and selective hate.

Antisemitism. It’s beyond systemic. It is dangerously out of control. I’m sick of it, and I am sick of having to address it.

This isn’t about the hate on the UC-Berkeley Campus that is shameful beyond words. Don’t believe me? I have video footage of how a pro-Israel activist and Jewish students were treated while trying to engage with other students and speak the truth.

This isn’t about Kanye West, who deserves to be taken down for his hateful rhetoric, and left beneath the rock from whence he came. Things are pretty bad when Kim Kardashian is standing up for Jews and the Jewish community. Unadulterated, unprovoked hate is NOT in the DSM-5, so please don’t use mental illness as an excuse for all he has said. He got cocky; he thought no one would touch him. Instead, he was systematically dropped from one company after another. Read your MORALS and ETHICS clauses, assholes. It’s in the fine print, which is probably why you’ve all managed to miss it.

This isn’t about Kyrie Irving’s bullshit, for which he will likely come away unscathed in BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, where my family settled upon immigrating to this country. You cannot educate the truly ignorant who, through the NBA, will continue to achieve riches, but will use antisemitic, Black Hebrew Israelite bullshit to make far more than the league minimum of $8.9 million dollars a year. For those who don’t know, BHI is the equivalent of a terror organization. The NBA allows Kyrie to be obscenely wealthy playing a sport, yet he will remain a sick, twisted fool.

Jews do not need to be told by non-Jews what is or isn’t antisemitic or anti-Zionist. We KNOW what is wrong, and so do you. Stop dictating to us when we’ve stood by every minority, but receive none of the same respect.

This isn’t about Dave Chappelle, who hasn’t been funny since the beginning of time. It IS about the danger of what they are spewing. They are trying to normalize hate against Jews, Judaism, the Jewish community at large, and they are spreading falsehoods against the state of Israel. What side of history would YOU like to be on?

I have watched my friends and family stay silent on almost all of this. I am ashamed of each and every one of you. Even the smallest voice can make a ripple. Thank G-d I have both the voice, and the platform, not to pretend to be proud of my faith and hide behind it, but to speak the fuck up and declare it. If you’re offended, then I am doing something right.

I have and will continue to stand for marginalized communities. As a Jewish woman, I represent many communities due to my ancestry and things I support; things I wholeheartedly believe in. I do not waver in my stance. Ever.

I am ashamed people have learned nothing from the genocide of the Holocaust, to the point where they have the audacity to question its validity. How often to six million plus people simply vanish?! Was this a Bermuda Triangle story, or is their fact-based evidence all over Europe that this occurred? I’ll simplify it for you; four members of my family survived on my mother’s side. FOUR. Look at your family. Imagine being the sole survivor. It’s not a good feeling, is it?

I encourage you to educate yourself before believing Neo-Nazi propaganda and any form of supremacist hate speech. All of it is racist. By remaining uneducated, you are letting people know you stand on the side of terrorism. If you’re not sure where to start for factual information, please feel free to comment on this and I will provide a list of reading material at my earliest convenience. In the meantime, get smarter or get off this site.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

Spark

Image Miss Poison Images/Photos/Quotes, Pieces Of Me , , , , ,

The past ten days has been incredibly LIFE CHANGING. I’m SO grateful to have my spark back. 🙏🏻 Whoever the fuck I was, I don’t even remember her anymore. I have NO clue who I left behind, but I’m relieved.

Turns out, I missed ME; the person I truly am. NOT someone else’s presumptuous bullshit about who I am, but MY TRUE SELF.

To everyone who was by my side in different ways during this particular journey: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR KEEPING ME SAFE AND SANE, and hey, no one was killed during this process.😉 Though two of you are aware it came close.

I’m burying the person I’ve been; the one who has been through too much, and was still trying to be nice to people who don’t deserve the kindness or respect. No mas. I’m done with that shit. The real me has returned. Buckle up, because I’M not tolerating ANYTHING anymore from miserable people who are intimidated by true strength, or people pleasers who I have nothing in common with. I’m not obligated to anyone except myself now, and while some will think that’s selfish, those are the same people who don’t know shit about me. Get to know me; I’m exactly as advertised.

To be told I’m the most inspiring and empowering woman to be around was a VERY touching moment between myself and a new friend. I’m NEVER NOT going to let another woman know that she has a voice and a backbone. I’m a girl’s girl to my core, but I’ve also proven I can hang with giants.

I’m walking, talking, and mentally myself again. Everything has changed. Life is about to become EPIC. I’m grateful for those I’m closest to because they are the only one’s who will share in the joy and stick it out with me.

Social media makes people think they have insight. No one does just by exploring a glimpse. Some people are, by proxy, insightful because they know you in real life. They have experienced your honesty, loyalty, friendship, direct nature, laughed with you, cried with or for you, and keep you in their prayers. I’m keeping only what’s real from this moment on.

Please don’t presume anything here. Just fucking ask me directly, like an adult.

Birthday

Miss Poison Writing , , , , , ,

“You were born, and with you endless possibilities―very few ever to be realized. It’s okay. Life was never about what you could do, but what you would do. ” ―Richelle E. Goodrich

This year, I blinked and it was my birthday. What happened to March?! When did June end? What’s that saying about how time flies when you’re having fun? It’s a lie; time fucking flies when you’re working on yourself. Period.

I look forward to this time of year all year, but this birthday has left me with so many life-changing feelings and decisions to make. I’m on the precipice of huge things, and the impact of this has hit me hard. I’ve had to stop myself today from multiple breakdowns in public, because the emotion of it all is SO heavy. The goal is to make sure you’re surrounded by the right people. Those who most love you. Those who respect and admire you. Those who will always choose you and have your back. For lack of a better expression, the people who are your team. As someone who is anything BUT a team player, this has been a struggle for me, but I love my team more than they will ever possibly know.

Moving into another year of life is a gift most people will not see today or tomorrow, or the day after that. It’s my responsibility to honor my very existence with gratitude. I’m quite lucky. I know what/who my blessings are. I’m grounded in my strength. I feel like a new person. I feel like the person I used to be, before life went in shitty directions, and took me down to the depths of hell. I disengaged from that fall, but I fell into a different trap along the way. That’s all about to change. It’s already changing, because I’ve recovered my former self.

I am a firm believer in finding your bliss. Finding where you belong. Finding who you belong with. Finding HAPPINESS, LOVE, JOY, CALM, COMFORT, and the purity of being certain. That’s my goal for the coming year. New beginnings. More privacy. More downtime. More calm. More joy. And every other good thing I could ever possibly hope for; not just for myself, but for those I love. These are goals I’ve set for myself. They aren’t what I was thinking about when I blew out my lone candle, but I’m the only one who knows precisely what I wished for, and I tend to keep it that way.

Thank you to my friends who were so supportive of me today. Three, above all else. I would like to thank other people, as well, but I am maintaining my privacy and everyone knows who they are. I love some of you far more than others. 😉

My birthday fundraiser for To Write Love On Her Arms ends in early January (Link is attached to my Instagram page.). It’s a worthy cause, and I am happy to support them for the second year in a row.

I will be back with other views another day. For now, thank you to everyone who worked to make my birthday special. Besos.

copyright © 2012-2023 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

One State of Mind, and Uncontrollable Pain

Miss Poison New York City, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

There’s so much I want to say, and so much I want to protect. I’ll try to say what I need to, without disrupting the delicate balance between the two.

Have you ever felt divinely guided in one direction, and maybe been afraid to jump? Or let me rephrase and say, were you overly cautious about a huge move? That’s where I am, and it’s scary. If you tend to psychoanalyze your decisions, as I am wont to do (to the Nth degree), then it’s terrifying, all while being amazing and exhilarating at the same time. I don’t jump; I’m careful. Until I’m not.

No matter what I do, all signs point in one direction. It might as well be a fucking headline in glaring red. I can’t go anywhere without reminders, either. If you’re into symbology, you will understand what I mean. The signs are in front of your face constantly. If you’re not into symbols, then maybe you understand synchronicity. I’ve pondered things ad nauseum for over five years, now. Around this time, last year, the symbology shifted and I tried hard to ignore it because I wasn’t ready from a mental perspective. I told myself I was being ridiculous. But now? It’s virtually impossible to ignore. It’s everywhere I turn. It’s the Universe saying, “Remember what you prayed for? I’m giving it to you. Be careful with it, but don’t you dare walk away. I worked too hard to bring this to you. This is YOUR magic, and this is all yours. Hold on tight, because this doesn’t happen for everyone. Don’t run from your destiny.” It leaves you in complete awe.

This keeps me up at night, praying for guidance. Guidance is laughing, because I’m struggling with this, and guidance tells me to listen and take what’s mine and meant for me. If there’s anything I hate, it’s me bringing up something completely unrelated in therapy, and allowing it to eat up 20-40 minutes of the time I am allotted every other week. Unfortunately, it ate up time twice in six weeks. I felt stupid bringing it up in the first place, until my doctor said I was doing the right thing. There’s nothing wrong with being cautious, smart, having difficult discussions, and powering through. Essentially, this is also a form of guidance, as well as self-care. It helps me work things out on my own, which is something I did long before I had anyone in my life to play therapist on any level. There’s a lot to be said for people who are capable of doing the work on their own. Let me be clear; none of this work is easy, but you have to show up for yourself.

Sometimes I can focus solely on the work I choose to do in order to improve myself, and other times I need to express myself in a rush because both of my best friends lost a parent this year (One lost both of her parents.), so they are essentially AWOL at the moment. It hurts me not to be able to share this with them, but I also don’t want to dump my drama on anyone. I would rather say something in a year. They can be mad, but I choose to be respectful of their pain and suffering, as opposed to being selfish, self-centered, and/or self-absorbed. That’s not who I am. I’m not a martyr, but am I sensitive to what my tribe members are going through? Absolutely! If anything, I am more self-aware than most people, and this is one of my better qualities.

I know when things settle down, they will be there for me. These are two of my longest friendships, and I know both of them want what’s best for me, no matter what. The same is true in reverse, and it breaks my heart that I had to walk them though these losses, coming from a place of experience. Maybe that was a gift, in a bizarre sort of way. My parents’ losses are felt deeply, but if I can help someone else by sharing how I navigated it all, then it’s not entirely in vain. Everyone reading this will experience loss at some point in their lives, and I hope my words of encouragement will help even just one person.

Navigating the day-to-day aspects of what I am going through right now are harder. I have a lot of late-night discussions and random bursts of laughter. I still spend a lot of sleepless nights writing until the sun comes up. Sometimes I can cut myself off earlier, but this often means taking prescription sleep medication, and I can say this based on my experience with it; it doesn’t always work. It’s never been consistent for me, but there are times it completely knocks me out, and times when it wears off too quickly. No wants a sleep aid to wear off after 2-5 hours. Then you feel like you didn’t sleep at all, and the cycle continues.

I hurt my neck about six or seven weeks ago (which is part of why I am experiencing so much painsomnia.). It initially felt like it was a flare-up from sleeping in a weird position during a rapid weather change, but quickly became me not able to turn my head at all. The pain affected the entire left side of my body. It eased up after a few days and I went to a doctor and had some injections put into my neck. Normally, this settles everything down in a few days, but it’s been a while at this point, and I am suffering terribly, and the injection sites flared up, as well. Any stressful situation or conversation causes my neck to get worse. I don’t even realize how tight my neck is, until I try to move. My doctor told me the entire back of my neck and head are badly affected, so she added some medication to the back of my head, as well. No help.

I touched base with someone recently who is coming off of shoulder surgery due to a pinched nerve which, for ten years, tormented her. She’d finally had enough of the excruciating agony. My doctors decided it was a pinched nerve without running any tests. I’m not kidding; they recommended physical therapy via YouTube and a cervical collar which is SO painful, I am not sure where I threw it one day, but I do know I threw it out of frustration. To make a long story slightly shorter, I now have to deal with a shitty primary care physician in order to get him to go back into my chart when this first started (during the height of Covid), and insist we discuss it, and that tests be run this time around. During the last two flare-ups, they put me on short-term opioids (In May and again in October of 2020), along with long-term muscle relaxers, which made a dent. This time, I don’t even know if they’re strong enough to touch this pain. The muscle relaxers help me temporarily, but I’ve reached my pain threshold and I am worried surgery could end up on the table. There’s clear-cut nerve damage. If there’s something torn, I could be sidelined for 6-9 months. There are parts of my head and face that I don’t feel anymore. My right ear, especially. It seems weird, but I realized it last Winter, and another time when, recently, I was putting a small earring into my myriad piercings. I jammed a sharp earring into a piercing which, for some deeply unknown reason, wants to close up on me. I could understand if I never wore anything in it, but I actually do. Every time I leave the house. I’ve had it since I was about twenty, so I’m baffled by it giving me trouble over the past year or so. I left the house one day with the earring in (along with all of my others, none of which had given me trouble), only to later discover blood trickling down the side of my neck when I reached my destination. I never felt a thing. I cleaned it up with alcohol pads I keep in my purse, but later that night when I took the higher piercings out, it all stemmed from the third cartilage piercing. I disinfected everything and I still wear it, but some days I get fed up and skip it. It’s not worth popping it open, having it swell up, etc. Eventually, I will find out if it’s related to a metal allergy, but honestly, one piercing out of so many seems a bit odd, even to me. Of late, all of them are swelling up, except for one. It’s been an odd, random experience, to say the least.

Obviously, I have a lot of my plate right now. In advance, I would like to thank all of you for sticking with me this year. I have definitely been out of sorts and challenged beyond measure, but I am grateful to walk this website into another year (Which officially starts on the 26th.). I did take a lengthy break from writing over the past while, because I needed it, I was burning out, and my focus needed to be elsewhere. My focus remains where it needs to be. I will revisit what I’ve been working on and forge ahead, but I might focus the next few months on a How-To manual (If you know, you know.). The idea started out as a joke between myself and a mother figure, but I quickly realized I might be on to something. If nothing else, I keep people laughing, and there’s a bonus to that.

If I am not able to write anything more this month, I want you to savor all the good moments. Be it Fall or Spring where you live, enjoy the little things, the big things, and everything in between. You never know when you might be stumbling on something life-changing. I’ve been the dumbest brunette on earth this year (In my bubble of an existence.), but I’m embracing the magic and protecting what, and who, I value beyond measure.

Wishing you all a wonderful remainder to the month of October. 🍁🍂🍃

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.

Sharing

Miss Poison Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , , , ,

Despite having a handful of incredibly talented friends who are also writers, I don’t share my process or progress with any of them. It simply doesn’t come up in conversation, and I won’t bring it up, except to maybe say I’m working on something new in passing. Several are maybe privately producing and not talking about it, and others haven’t brought it up to me in eight or nine years, if not longer. I can’t force conversation out of people, so I let it be. If someone wants more support from me, I’m honestly not sure how much more I can give seeing as how I already do all the right thing.

I have supported any and all new projects they have taken on. To the point where it’s almost ridiculous how blindly I have shown my support, plugged projects and novels, but recently someone asked me, “Who supports you? Who cheers you on? You’re not getting what you give to others.” This came from someone who I trust to occasionally push me, but it also made me think deeply about the lack of support I receive in both my personal and professional lives. I paused. I’m not talking about readers, but my family and friends? That’s a whole other ballgame.

My family, for the most part, does not understand anyone who is not an immediate billionaire doing what they love; what they are truly talented at. This is borne out of ignorance, competitiveness, and their own superficial, borderline narcissistic issues. However, it is their issue; not mine. I am not saying all of my family is like this, but the numbers are too high for me to pretend there’s a majority of support when there most certainly is not. I know the truth. I know how they treat me, and the bullshit that is discussed behind my back. Why would I want support from such creatures?!

Other family members cannot wrap their minds around what I do because they consider it a, “hobby” and think it’s something you do in your free time. 🙄 “It must be nice to have that kind of free time to just write.” Yes, this has been said to me several times. The rest choose to ignore what I do so they can build themselves up. After all, no one could possibly be greater than them. 🙄 They can pontificate for hours on how incredibly brilliant they are, yet you’ve heard not a solid, intelligent word spoken the entire time. It’s not dissimilar listening to a drunk person spouting prophecies on the train or at the train station (Anyone who lives in a major city knows what I’m talking about.).

In the words of the great Tom Hardy who I am loosely quoting, “People ask what you do in order to decide how much respect they should pay you.” There’s an additional part of the quote, but he sums it up nicely, and accurately.

I’m a full-time writer. I don’t get off-days; I have to schedule my life around my writing. I don’t get paid vacation time. I have health insurance. I can pay my bills, and I am beyond grateful for all of that. I win awards. I am invited to some amazing events which provide once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I am not a newbie. Ten years in, or less, and you had to take classes to explain basic principles? Newbie. Those are facts, and yeah, I’m wary of people who try to force themselves into something, and then the way they try to shove themselves down your throat in a competitive fashion. It is NOT a cute look for anyone. You can gain support and community by being a good person who listens, and doesn’t just talk at others. Consider your life relationships for a hot minute, because we all know someone, or many people, who do this to us. The difference is that you might perceive it differently than I do, or have more patience. I received many chips, but the patience chip is reserved almost exclusively for babies, small animals, and my favorite SoCal Maple Tree (If you know, you know.).

No one had to teach me how to be a writer. It’s honesty, ink, and paper. Every ounce of experience I possess is crucial to how I operate and navigate the business side of being a writer, as well as the creative side. Having a background in Public and Fan Relations, understanding so many different business aspects, and knowing how to nail things correctly the first time are probably a few of the best things I can rely on, off the top of my head. You have to be a natural at it; some skill sets really can’t be taught. I’m not saying that to be mean, I’m speaking from personal experience. I cannot teach someone with no imagination how to magically be creative. There are no magic wands here, I’m afraid.

Roughly five or six weeks ago, an extremely close friend was really proud and excited about how much I have accomplished on my current manuscript. I am getting closer to two and a half months in, and I’m almost at one hundred and six thousand words. That’s not easy. I did a quick draft initially, redrafted, and have continued to polish as I go. What has helped me the most is our constant contact during the process. She has allowed me to share regular screenshots of my daily progress and major milestones. With zero jealousy on her part; only pride and excitement. This must be what it’s like to receive completely unselfish support. <Gasp>

There are days I’m writing between three and five thousand words, and days where I’ve forced myself to write a thousand, and I do mean forced. There are also days where a few hundred words is my limit, and I have to make myself go the fuck to bed since I start writing most days by ten a.m. and don’t always stop until after three in the morning. That is, clearly, a lot of time spent on specific subject matter, and character development. Tonight, I allowed myself to take a break so I could watch playoff baseball. Balance is helpful.

Being able to share progress with a friend who is invested in me, as opposed to when she gets to read the finished product, is one of the most helpful things I have experienced. It encouraged another person to check in with me every few days and discuss my progress, as well. Everyone’s schedule is different, but my gratitude for people who truly care about me, and who choose to make themselves available is proving invaluable. They don’t need a daily synopsis, it’s more like a, “How did you do? How is everything coming along? Do you feel good about what you wrote today?” It is true support. When you know the difference, it’s easy to spot someone who is merely trying to compete with you. For me, there is never going to be any competition. I prefer to be a safe space for knowledge and support. That’s my choice, a choice not to be negative or toxic. Regardless of the path you choose, I hope it is something you can live with.

Enjoy what you do, or there’s no point. And if, like me, you are watching baseball for the next month, let me know who you’re cheering for.

copyright © 2022 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Poison In Lethal Doses®™ is a registered trademark. Written work by author may not be shared or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.