I was diagnosed in 2004. However, I’ve had symptoms of Fibromyalgia since I was around 8 or 9. My pain has progressively worsened from one year to the next.
Fibromyalgia Pain
Overdoing It
When you feel good for even a split second, you try capitalizing on it by squeezing in things from your “to do” list. Mine is more like a “must do” list. I am currently packing things up from my home for donation. There are plenty of people who need home goods and other things I will never use, so I’d like to get about 10-12 boxes ready for any charity that is willing to pick them up. This always helps me feel good; purging things I will never use that can help others. I choose a different charity each time, that way I’m helping more people. I believe that the good you send out into the world is a reflection and will be there for you in times when you most need it. It’s very much the “Law Of Three” for me. “That which you send out into the world returns to you threefold. Send it again and it returns in ten.” I think that’s a really nice way to spread positivity and hope.
Unfortunately, having that brief moment yesterday where I felt okay means I can barely move my upper body today. I fully intended to do a few more boxes this afternoon, but perhaps I should take some Aleve first. It’s sad that I’ve had to depend on Aleve for Fibromyalgia pain for well over a year now. Sometimes it helps for short periods of time, and other times it’s as if I swallowed Tic-Tacs. How promising. 😦 I definitely need to go back to herbs on a semi-regular basis.
I was able to get some editing done yesterday, despite being ticked off and despite the migraine from hell. I found so much wrong with the work though that I continued to over-analyze it. There are times when, as an editor, I have to step back and remind myself that it’s the writing, and it’s not MY work causing the issues. I think the best idea is to move forward and get it done. Whatever isn’t perfect will be re-done during the final round of editing, after revisions and rewrites. I know she has several other things she wants me to edit once this one returns to her for rewrites, which will be extensive, she has no idea how serious I am with my notes, and despite wanting a brief respite to focus on my own life, I think continuing with the same client is a good thing.
One of the new things I am getting ready to do is design my book cover. Even though I will be pursuing traditional publishing, I still want to have an idea of how the book will look. I’m going to draw up a rough sketch and talk it over with a graphic designer. Branding yourself properly is never a bad thing. In fact, it’s quite smart.
And so, I am off to tackle a few boxes and then do some charity research to see who needs what and how quickly they can come.
Enjoy the rest of your day!
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Thank God It’s Saturday!
I hate the traditional work week, which is probably why I don’t have a “traditional” job. Granted, with my injury and upsetting things going on in my personal life, I spent most of my week making phone calls, practicing self-care, doing extensive research, texting with a close family member, and trying not to commit any type of crime that would land me in prison. I’m too pale to wear orange.
The future is unclear, so perhaps I will do a tarot reading and see if the cards have any answers for me. I haven’t had to do that in a while, but I know that whatever is placed before me, even if I say I cannot do it, I WILL persevere. I can have a breakdown when the storm passes, but not before.
One of the worst things about this week has been the weather. Hot or cold, sometimes both in the same day. The trees are blooming up a storm, the bees are enormous and keep bumping into the windows, and the pressure in the air has been hell on my body. There were many nights I was in bed by 7:00 PM because the pain was simply too much to bear. I slept a full 12 hours one night this week, waking up truly wanting to remain in bed. “Mama said there’d be days like this”- hell yes, but do they all have to be in the same week!? In that moment, I hated the clock and all it stood for. Too much daylight, not enough night. It’s poison to those of us who identify as night owls, and I’m speaking for myself.
Weekends are always way too short, but they do give us a reprieve from some of the things we think during the week. For many of us, it gives us time to get things done that we’re not able to do during the week, like grocery shopping, laundry, or catching up with a movie or TV shows we didn’t have time to watch. Or it allows us to spend time with friends or family. Two of my favorite shows return this weekend: Bitten and Orphan Black. This is the time of year when many shows wrap for the season and others begin, which means you don’t have to spend the entire summer wondering why you pay for cable, satellite, or streaming service.
This past week I’ve really been able to take stock of the word “family”. I’ve also been able to take stock of the word “friend”. Some people say things because it sounds good, and other people mean it. Many talk for the sake of talking. My definitions are pretty cut & dried. If I love you and care about you, you can pretty much guarantee that I’d take a bullet for you, be you family member or friend. However, I do not forgive and forget. If that works for you, I think that’s great, but it doesn’t fly with me. I might forgive a person at some point, but I’ll do it for myself, not for them. I will never forget. Sometimes when words get thrown at you, there is no way to unhear them.
Proper communication is crucial in relationships and it’s incredibly important not to take out your own issues on someone else. If you do, apologize immediately. Hear yourself. Don’t make excuses for vile words and pretend that it can be swept under the rug. I own my shit. If I hurt or offend someone INTENTIONALLY, and I am one of those rare individuals who KNOWS when she’s doing it, then I will apologize the second I realize my mistake. If you hurt or offend me and the words “I’m sorry.” or “I was out of line.” never come out of your mouth, then don’t expect me to apologize for something I haven’t done or to accept an apology that comes too late.
A mistake some people have made with me over the past few months is to throw out the words “You misinterpreted what I said.” I’M NOT DEAF and my I.Q. hasn’t dropped. This is NOT a habit I have. If it happened daily, you could say it was a pattern and take issue with it, but it isn’t. For many, the problem is that I actually called them on their shit, pointed out a major flaw, and they don’t like it. Or, they always believe they’re right, and/or cannot admit that they said or did something inappropriate, wrong, or hurtful. Put your adult panties on, apologize, and move on. Don’t drag it out. The world doesn’t revolve around any one person, myself included.
I have work to do this weekend, in between two errands. I’m double-booked and one of those jobs is due for completion on the 24th, so I’ve got to focus and get it done. Here’s hoping I didn’t ask for too little money on this one. Unfortunately, one never knows until one is presented with certain things.
Have a nice weekend everyone. 🙂 I am off to take as much Aleve as possible and crawl into bed in the hopes that I do not waste another day in pain.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Greetings From Enduring Pain
The title seemed witty when I wrote it, but now it seems bloody pathetic.
I hope everyone is having an easy start to March. Mine involved ice and snow. However, in the midst of all that, the bunnies have returned and my yard was FULL of a wide array of birds yesterday. There were some really gorgeous black & white birds that I’ve only seen once before, so I have no idea what they are, only that they make the yard look incredibly posh whenever they’re hanging out. They’re truly stunning little creatures.
I am in the midst of a very painful Fibro flare-up. I really pushed myself hard over the weekend to do a lot. By the time 5:00 PM rolled around on Saturday, I had already done everything on my list and was passed out in my bed. I could barely walk at that point and I was truly worried that it would be a week or so before I could fully move again. Sunday night dinners are a tradition in my house, but I wasn’t able to manage it. In fact, when I couldn’t sleep Sunday night I decided to do all the original prep while resting, and Monday night’s dinner became a little more special instead. C’est la vie. It’s important to listen to your body.
I am still hard at work on a large manuscript and a smaller one. Normally I’d be done with both, but I ran into some issues and in lieu of needing to correct those issues, I am a little behind, but it’s okay. Quality is better than speed when it pertains to someone’s livelihood.
I was able to finish reading The Ruby Circle by Richelle Mead yesterday morning. If you haven’t read Richelle’s Vampire Academy books (the first book was made into a movie which I have yet to see) or the second part of the series called Bloodlines (The Ruby Circle was the final Bloodlines book.), I highly recommend them. They’re fast, intelligent, witty, and you don’t have to be in any specific age group to read and/or enjoy them. Technically they’re considered YA, but I’m an Adult-Adult and I liked them. I do prefer her Age Of X series above all else, but that’s just personal preference and taste. The next book on my list is by the ever talented Chris Kuzneski. I hope I’ll enjoy his new series.
Today, despite being wide awake, I am in a lot of pain and I seriously doubt I’ll be able to get a ton of work done, but I will make an effort, if nothing else. I think it’s very important to listen to your body and slow down and give it the rest it requires, especially when you suffer from something debilitating that takes you down, such as Fibromyalgia. Resting can be tiresome, but it’s incredibly beneficial if it helps you get back to a better physical state.
Overall, I learned this weekend that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I cannot do every single thing in one day any more. It’s just not doable. It makes me sad, but I do hope that someday in the future there will either be medication that makes it possible to regain some normalcy or a cure. All one can do is hope & pray for the best.
Wishing you all a great week ahead. 🙂
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Do Not Confuse…
I think it’s really important to listen to others and hear them, even if the subject matter makes you uncomfortable. I don’t like to denounce someone’s feelings, even if I disagree with their perspective. People say that words aren’t harmful, but they can be and it’s important to acknowledge that even the simplest way of saying things, at times, can make a person question who they are, or that it can do severe damage.
Sometimes, I think people say things to challenge me. It’s truly not meant to be harmful, but if I’m already bleeding on the ground, I probably don’t need another kick.
I’m so far from perfect, it’s not even funny, but I will be apologizing to a few people this week to be certain that they grasp the true meaning and don’t take simplicity the wrong way.
Above all, always be yourself.
Brain Fog
It feels like a horrible Monday, the way my brain is fogged up and refusing to fire on all cylinders. No, I haven’t been drinking, but apparently having a holiday in the middle of the week has screwed me up, BIG TIME.
I did manage to get a lot of work done this morning. Considering I have a migraine that is coming and going, that’s astounding. I did have to remind myself not to edit this person’s work (When I edit, it’s probably because it’s necessary, but also because I am a fixer of words.), merely to critique it and give an honest opinion. That is going to prove VERY hard. I sat here for over an hour with my jaw damn near on the floor while I read.
I am professional. I adhere to very specific guidelines, but I am truly astounded by the idiocy submitted to me at times. It’s easy to miss a word here and there, to lose track of little things, but it’s another thing entirely to write for the sake of writing. It’s like listening to a person talk, except you’ve tuned them out after the first 100 words and now you’re staring at them in utter amazement that they haven’t noticed that you’re just not listening. When I space out, I often feel disconnected. For me, it’s not entirely dissimilar to an out-of-body experience. However, when I’m reading something that feels like someone is rambling for the sake of rambling, I stare at the screen and think “Did someone REALLY write this or is there a hidden camera here somewhere?” I’ve contemplated looking.
For today, I think the best thing to do is focus on my health. I’ve already done some work, far more than I originally intended to do, so tomorrow is another day, or later perhaps, if I feel like being masochistic.
I’m in excruciating pain from this migraine and the rest of me from the neck down to mid-thigh doesn’t feel so hot either. I’m disturbed that today is Friday, but will take the weekend to really rest (and work). Next week has its own battles, none of which I am looking forward to. However, my faith is strong and I believe everything will work itself out. Not because I’m being unrealistic, but because I have a very good sense of self and most of what I am attached to. Sometimes I think we’re trapped in the middle of someone else’s major life lesson, and while it doesn’t always feel good while we’re in it, it’s important to remember who you are and exactly what you are capable of.
I know many people teach their children that they can “be anything they want to be”. It wasn’t much different for me, however my mother never would have encouraged or supported anything short of talent. If I wasn’t good at something, she would say “Don’t quit your day job.” Not to be mean, but because she was a firm believer in my talents and did not believe in sugar-coating anything regarding her children.
I’ve heavily doubted and questioned a lot of my talent over the last year or so. Maybe I’ve had those issues deep inside my own head without even realizing it for far longer than I know. I’ve made myself sick from the doubt and unending questions in my mind. It’s a bit like being brainwashed, except you’ve done it with one negative moment where you allowed yourself not to fully be you. The second you allow a sliver of doubt in, it takes over.
I adamantly refuse to allow anything or anyone to tell me who I am. I refuse to be defined by other people’s beliefs or opinions. Ultimately I can refuse these things because I know who and what I am. At the beginning and end of each day, I am a fighter. There is great power in that, I just have to remember to allow the fog to clear.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Stick A Fork In Me!
I have been hard at work for hours now. The plus side, I am getting closer to being done, which is fantastic. The downside, I am completely and utterly exhausted. I don’t know if it’s the shock of the bitter cold or if the excruciating pain of the past few weeks has simply drained me of my life force, but all I want to truly do is sleep. Mind you, without deadlines, stress, cries, or meows, I might stay in bed for a week. Realistically speaking, I know full well that I cannot do that, so all I can do is rest when I need to.
There is something so incredibly disturbing about Fibromyalgia pain. Aside from being completely unnatural; It’s constantly with you. It is a never-ending cycle that makes you want to remove your own muscles and bones, and set them aside. When you cannot sit, stand, or walk, and all you want to do is scream because the pain is THAT bad, you lose the ability to feel a whole lot (if any) of sympathy for the people who DO find automatic pain relief. There’s no medication that will “fix” this and make it better. None whatsoever. I’ve tried pretty much everything available, so I can only hope and pray that when someone new is finally FDA approved, that it won’t be an epic fail.
I am certain regular use of Icy/Hot, while topical, probably isn’t very healthy for the body overall. And yet, I am convinced I should be buying them in cases of 12, as opposed to one bottle at a time. I’m pretty sure Walmart would find it odd if I bought more than 2 or 3 in one shot, but I honestly cannot take much more of this. I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. I want to be able to live my life the way I used to. I don’t want exercise to mean I will be bloody and bruised, and completely unable to move, but exhilarated with a sense of accomplishment. When I walk, I am faced with the consequences of bruised, aching muscles. If I turn in the wrong direction, I might not be able to move for a week, or longer. There is no over-the-counter medicine that can touch this pain. I’ve taken my fair share of pain medications and eventually, they cease to work. At this point, I’m not even sure if a pain pump would be “enough”, but I am going to bring it up to a specialist next year.
In the meantime, my stressful morning has led to a migraine. Thankfully the medication for that DOES tend to work, and I’ve just taken two. My work day is officially over right now, at least until the migraine passes and darkness falls. Here’s looking forward to 5:00 PM.
copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
I’m Fried!
After editing for ten hours yesterday, I am completely fried to a crisp. It’s going to take a while before my back, neck, and shoulder feel normal again. I did yoga stretches to loosen all of my muscles when I was done for the day yesterday, and then I covered all the affected problem spots I could reach with Icy/Hot. Once it kicked in, I passed out. That’s what I get for waking up super early and going straight to work. The only bonus, I got to do that work in my PJ’s.
Note to self: You don’t need to keep saying “Five more pages.” That’s like saying you’re going to read “just one chapter” of a book before bed, and after a while, you notice it’s light outside. These are ridiculous lies we tell ourselves. The fact that I managed to do so much work this weekend AND finish reading a book is a testament to my own stupidity. As I edit this week, and prep for the arrival of someone very special, I have another book to finish reading. Yes, that is pure overkill, but the truth nonetheless.
As a side note for all my fellow writers out there: Do NOT argue with the person that knows where the apostrophes and commas go. Chances are, that person knows their shit.
copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 