Writing

Doubting Myself

Miss Poison Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Reading, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

All writers have moments when they feel unprepared. Me? On occasion I will say “I wish I were talented.” or “I can’t write this.” In other words, even the best of us have bad days. Or weeks. We all have a little doubt, or we’d be completely full of crap.

I hold it in really well, but I have a lot of doubt when it comes to material I haven’t been writing since day one.

When I first began writing, I did toy around with some fiction. I spent about four or five years writing it for FUN, and when I moved from one state to another, I trashed every single printed page and everything I’d saved it to. Why? Because I took a look at it, saw my growth, and realized that even though it had been fun, it was infantile compared to what I truly wanted to be writing. I didn’t ever want to come across it again because it was nonsense. I decided then that it was okay to read fiction, but it wasn’t in my best interests to be writing it. I did not personally excel in made-up worlds.

Fast-forward and I’ve since created a Dark Urban Fantasy series, which I will be refocusing on at some point in the future (Meaning not today, but soon.), and I am currently working on something I’m not completely comfortable with. However, it is allowing me to explore my emotional depth, and maybe that’s the entire point. Maybe that’s why this story haunted me for months. Maybe it is a reminder that I’m human, and that not every part of me has to be put into storage under lock and key. There are certain lines in the book that are straight out of my own life.

More than once I’ve caught myself saying “Do I have to publish it under my name?” Yes. Yes, I do. I cannot worry about the thoughts of others. I can only tell the story, and move forward. There will be good reviews, bad reviews, and middle of the road reviews. I’m used to that, because not everyone likes my writing style and plenty of people like me even less. Regardless of what people think or say, I still have to tell the story.

For the last few days, I took it upon myself to do some research. I read a lot to see if anyone had anything similar out there, as a precautionary measure. Even if I didn’t know about it, someone could still accuse me of a form of plagiarism. My determination after a few books is that after a certain point, a lot of stories start to blend into one another. Everyone tells their stories a little differently. Some are good, some aren’t, but ultimately I need to stop worrying. Comparing and contrasting isn’t my job. Writing IS.

And so I sit here today, as per usual, with a lower back and left shoulder that are in desperate need of medical treatment. Just walking yesterday killed me, and by walking I mean 3 ½ miles worth. I have no idea how I’m functioning today.

No, I’m not being stubborn. The insurance I had doesn’t cover the doctor I want to see, who is local, so I switched temporarily, just to be able to get in with ONE doctor until I can find someone to see me on the other plan. They told me it wouldn’t go into effect until May 1st, but that I am still covered regardless and not to worry. However, when I went to pick up my medication yesterday, I was already covered by the new plan. I stared at the pharmacy tech and she said “They’re SUCH liars. You can speak to five different people in a day and they’ll all tell you a different story. This happens every day, all day long with these people.” It isn’t the first time I’ve thought that in regard to this company, she just got it out of her mouth before I said something equally as honest.

Technically, I should be at Urgent Care instead of sitting here writing. Alas, this might be another one of those weeks where I don’t get to prioritize my health because of outside circumstances beyond my control. The doctor can’t see me until the end of the month/early May, so Urgent Care seemed like a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, they have bankers hours and I don’t want to show up only to be told they don’t take my insurance. I’d probably lose it on someone. As it is, I have until June 29th to change my insurance AGAIN and then start over with a whole new set of doctors that will be G-d only knows where! What’s the point of having health insurance when no one is accepting new patients OR they’re so far away, it’s utterly pointless?! It’s extremely frustrating to me.

And so, I write. I write through the pain, I try to write it out of my system emotionally, and I desperately try not to sit here in tears when the pain is too much (which is 99% of the time).

There are days I’d like my original life back. One where very few doubts entered my mind, and where being able to walk, sit, stand, think, etc., were not issues because my life wasn’t chock full of agonizing pain.

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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“Who Are You?”

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A few days ago a family member offered to read my new manuscript. It was a very “Alice In Wonderland” moment. I damn near said “Whooo Are YOU?” and everything, just like the caterpillar asks Alice. I turned my face to the right, in utter mortification.

“I can be objective.” was their argument. Um, I’d rather you not be.

Then they asked “Don’t you have anyone you trust who you would want to read it and give you their honest opinion?” I said no. I wasn’t kidding. “How about your best friend?” My best friend Marion is not a big reader, mostly because she reads at work all week long and can’t stand it when she’s on her own time, which is completely understandable. I could write the worst crap and she’d tell me it was fantastic. Not that I’ve EVER written crap in the 20+ years she & I have been friends, but you get my drift. Bestie #2 suffers from Fibromyalgia with terrible brain fog, so asking her to read 100,000 words, or more, would be akin to asking her to lift a crate of dynamite over her head while setting a match to it.

I then had my writer’s moment of realizing I have no Beta Readers. None whatsoever. And in truth? I don’t really trust anyone with my work. As if it’s been a well-kept secret; I’m a fucking control freak. However, experience has taught me to not only protect my work fiercely, but NEVER to hand it over to someone I haven’t thoroughly vetted.

A friend isn’t always the right person to ask. If they don’t want to hurt your feelings, they’re not going to be 100% honest. As the person “most likely to be intimidating”, I don’t think a single friend of mine would say boo to me when it comes to my work. A few would be honored to read it, and others? Not so much. It’s putting pressure on someone. Plus, most people who aren’t writers themselves can’t point out issues. As an editor, I can point out issues in every single thing I look at that is written, from a restaurant menu to a real estate flyer. I self-correct as people speak; I’m THAT bad.

I don’t worry that what I’ve written isn’t good. I know it is. However, it’s not finished. Until you know the story is done, why would you say “Here, can you read this unfinished manuscript?” Seriously?!

Yesterday I hit 91,000 words on the umpteenth rewrite. The decision to either make this story a one-shot deal (which is what I originally intended) or to turn it into 2-3 books, is an ever-present issue. The longer it gets, the more you have to realize it has branch-out potential. The characters are strong, interesting, and I’d hate to lose them. They’re lighter than what I normally write. Freer. More enjoyable because they’re easier to tap into. It’s a lot like knowing your hands, or your own heart. These characters are pieces of me in a very different way, and I am protective of them.

One day, I will have to let them fly out into the world and be judged. That day is NOT today, in their current state. They need time to blossom and flourish, and that’s normal. I refuse to feel pressured to complete something when I know in my bones that it’s not done. While I was able to get past that feeling of being stuck around page twenty-five, I no longer feel that way any more. I do, however, feel like the story needs a break from me looking at it fifty times a day. Progress does not occur when you psychoanalyze and criticize your own body of work for ten hours, or more, each day. That’s not productive.

So instead of staying up until 3:30 in the morning writing, which I’ve been doing for weeks and weeks, I went to bed early last night and actually got under six hours of sleep (which is the new norm post-Spring Forward). If I hadn’t hurt a toe in my sleep (No, I have NO idea how I did it. I just know it hurts and I had to take care of it immediately.) and been searching for the Neosporin, thus letting Kitten know that Mommy is awake because I was rummaging around in the dark, I might still be asleep. Instead, her Majesty thinks it’s breakfast time. It’s not. I went into the kitchen and food bowls are still filled, water bowl is good, and breakfast isn’t until about 8:30 a.m. If she keeps being aggressive, I may have to feed them earlier, but this usually results in the death stare at 3:00 in the afternoon while I’m trying to work. Once you’ve got two sets of eyes on you, it’s harder to say “You have another hour before you’re getting fed.” They’re not being starved. I actually just switched them over to a new grain-free food this weekend. I do think she wants attention because the rain is coming down hard and it makes her nervous, but mostly, I know my cat. She’s all about the food. LOL.

Today I feel like I can look at the manuscript with fresher eyes. I can get the Lexicon prepared for the beginning of the book and maybe do a few other things that until recently, I just haven’t had the head for.

The freedom of working with personal deadlines, instead of rigid ones, it that I’m answering to myself. I’ve already achieved a LOT by writing this multiple times, and writing three different alternatives to the beginning of the story. I’m not patting myself on the back, but I’m not sitting here in shame, either.

If the average reader understood how long it takes for a quality book to be written, edited, and published, they’d be shocked. An author friend of mine, who is currently dealing with copyright infringement lawsuit (someone stole her work and didn’t credit her for it), is paid fifty cents  (U.S.) for every book sold. She’s a very interesting writer, spiritual, thought-provoking, and her take-home is fifty cents per book. Years worth of work put into each book she writes to share with the world, and that’s the paycheck. I was BEYOND insulted for her. And yet, this is often the norm. If she sells 20,000 books, her take-home is $10,000, before taxes. After taxes, it’s a grave insult, but this is such a common theme. It’s why so many people have turned away from traditional publishing and have started self-publishing. And yet, most self-published titles (not all, just most) are poorly edited, riddled with mistakes and major errors, and read like first drafts that were rushed. So when a close friend asked if I thought my manuscript would sell “this month”, I had to explain to her that it is a lengthy, oftentimes frustrating process to get anything sold.

Moreover, I have committed myself to writing a spec piece on Chronic Pain disorders and actual pain patients’ experiences from diagnosis to now. I will be interviewing people by phone and e-mail to get their stories into a series of articles. I write this in the hope that our voices will be heard, but I’m also not selling it for pennies on the dollar, either. It’s an important story that needs to be told, and who better than a pain patient to tell the story? People are reading, and believing, an awful lot of bullshit produced by the media on this particular subject. Patients are outraged, and yet, few of them are willing to stand up and speak up. Venting on message boards and in groups is a waste of time, but participating in something bigger? That’s how you get the right people to listen. If any reader would like to be a part of this, please feel free to leave me a comment and let me know you’d like your story told. I will be changing names for those who aren’t entirely comfortable with their business being put out there for the world,

Today is a brand new day. There’s work to be done, laundry to be washed, phone calls to be made, but if anyone is going to be reading my work this week, it’s gonna be me.

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Friday Night Rewrites

Miss Poison Writing , , , , , , ,

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I started rewrites on this novel late last night/very early this morning. I’m fifty pages in and I’ve never felt more like crying for a protagonist in my life. For the record; she’s never made me feel like this before, so I feel protective and unsure.

I thought a new introduction to the story would be better, or at the very least, give me a third option to present. Instead, I find myself struggling. I get the distinct impression this is what April is really bringing me; stress. 😦

I love this story and I’ve enjoyed writing it, but this rewrite is making me doubt myself. I hate to admit it, but I’m not a born writer of fiction. It’s not what I cut my teeth on day in and day out. My brain doesn’t function in alternative realities or universes, unless written by others. However, I AM determined to get this written. I just have to be realistic about my time and energy. I have to cut myself some slack and not expect perfection. I’m at that point where I just have to write and write well. No bullshit, no filler, no nonsense. Just pure story.

I’m exhausted and burnt out. Every time I take an hour to distract myself, I find myself back in front of the damn file, trying to work out the story and get it back on track. The problem with this rewrite though is that the others were completely on track, and this one is a new direction. The direction is scary, but I have to allow it to play out before I decide if it’s good or if it belongs in the scrap yard.

Yesterday someone told me I’m “an amazing writer”. I politely said “Thank you.” because what else was I supposed to say? However, today is one of those days where I wish I was a little less something and a little more something else. I’m not entirely sure what though. 😦

Wishing you all a peaceful, relaxing weekend. If you get stressed, keep in mind that I’m sitting in front of the screen with a migraine and neck pain, wishing this story would unfold instead of cause me emotional heartache. To add insult to injury, I need a new heating pad for my neck. I’m not sure how I killed mine, but it hates me. Bleh!

Back to the grindstone…

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Square One

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Square One

What happens when you’ve written multiple drafts of the same novel, in a month, and you find yourself liking both versions that are relatively complete? I suspect this doesn’t happen to a lot of people, but it has happened to me.

After staring at each of them on and off for a full day, I had a little breakdown I will call my “What The FUCK?!” moment. How was it possible that I wrote two versions, each one taking a different course of action, only for me to really like both of them? I stared at all the work done and said “Okay. You can start over, taking the best of both worlds and re-fashion the story into something stronger, and or you can do another rewrite from scratch.” And then, I bitched and moaned about having to rewrite it from another perspective.

Apparently, I don’t really know how to take a break from writing when the work is good. It’s frustrating. I feel a strong sense of responsibility to these characters and I want to tell their story the best way I know how. But honestly, I’m not sure how to do that at the moment. It makes me feel like I just wasted a month of devotion and effort, when in reality, the fact that I accomplished it at all was a combination of fortitude, stubbornness, and luck.

No one ever publishes their first draft, or even their fifth. Hell, an agent won’t even touch it if it’s not the very best version you can present. Both of these were number seven, I believe (I could be wrong, statistically it happens on occasion.). So, I am opening file number eight in the hopes that this time, I nail it. However, I’m going to stop pressuring myself to write every single day. I am going to let the story shape itself and take flight. I’m giving it a pair of wings.

This time, the story is going to be permitted to take me on a natural journey. I genuinely hope this one is the winner.

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

oncewritinghas

Page After Page

Miss Poison Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , , , , , , ,

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In less than a month, I’ve written over 220,000 words. Does that sound like a lot? It is. To do it in such a short period of time is a testament to me pushing myself to write every single day, and not to give up when I’ve felt stuck. Even if I only managed one page on a bad day, I still parked my ass in front of the file and went over it, and over it, and over it. It’s called determination, with a healthy dose of bat-shit crazy thrown into the mix.

I’ve written, rewritten, proofed, edited, done additional rewrites, changed the direction up, added new characters, strengthened characters I liked, and here I am, still trying to figure out the true direction of the story. For the first time, I wrote something 100% unplanned. I let it haunt me for three months before I said “Let’s give it a try and see how it goes.” It’s become so much bigger than what I first thought, and I’ve found most of it incredibly easy to write.

The challenge in the work is getting in touch with things I’ve personally found difficult in my life. It’s been therapeutic to work it out on the screen in front of me and allow myself to be authentic within the confines of a fictional novel. Instead of saying “That’s decent, it’ll do.” (something I never say, I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my writing), I’m finding myself excited to get up each day and return to work.

During a radio interview Nora Roberts explained how she began writing under the pseudonym J.D. Robb. Her publisher had, and I’m paraphrasing here, told her to “get a hobby” because her books were selling so well. Instead of deciding to actually take that advice and learn something new or do something fun, she decided to channel it into writing something else. I remember hearing the interview and laughing, until I realized today that I’ve sort of done the same thing. Instead of staying in my comfortable world where I’m 100% writing the truth, I’ve opened a door into a new genre for myself, and have found it’s equally as comfortable, if not more so. If you had suggested this to me ten or even five years ago, I would have laughed in your face. Instead, I’m breaking personal records on what I can achieve. I feel proud of that.

I hate reading things that make me roll my eyes. I hate reading things that don’t feel realistic, to some degree. I also hate feeling like I’m writing the same shit a thousand other people are writing. It gets boring very quickly.

I hate timid characters. They annoy me. I hate the damsel-in-distress nonsense. This is the 21st century, and I don’t know a lot of weak women. Unless you’re writing a period piece set in a different century, lose the giggly, shy female that you’d either slap or kick if you were to meet her tomorrow. Let someone in junior high write that crap.

Some of what I’m writing touches on gender roles. What makes a woman truly strong? What makes a man the right person? What makes a couple work well together? How do you stay strong through difficulties, your own idiocy, lapses in judgment, etc. I prefer to focus on the humanity. What are our characters if not perfectly flawed human-beings?

I have come to realize that most of my female characters (some, not all) are a version of me. If Erika Girardi can be Erika Jayne, then I can channel aspects of who I am into characters, too. There’s nothing wrong with that. I find it incredibly empowering.

When writing male characters, I work hard at channeling the men I know. There is no such thing as the perfect person, but there is such a thing as “the right person for you”, regardless of gender. Several of my friends described me as their soul-mate, from a friendship perspective. I firmly believe we have multiple soul-mates in life that we meet at different times. Some are with us forever and others come and go, leaving their mark. That’s real life. I’m virtually incapable of writing something and not bringing real life to it.

So as I sit here this afternoon, struggling with a scene I feel is emotionally crucial to the story, I have to remind myself to just be real. Take a deep breath and push through. And when I feel like I can’t focus, then it’s time for a break, but I have to get it done. I have to finish it. Maybe not today, but as soon as I can.

Let’s face it; no one would believe I wrote it if it were emotionally false.

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Spring Equinox Blessings

Miss Poison March, Ostara, Spring, Writing , , , , , , ,

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Ostara Blessings to all. Today is the Spring Equinox, when night and day are both at equal length. If you go out late in the afternoon you might just catch the rising Moon in the sky at exactly the same time the Sun is about to set. Early in the next morning you can also see the Moon in daylight, just as the Sun is rising. In between these two events is a period of complete balance between day and night, Sun and Moon, male and female, light and dark, God and Goddess.

This is a special point of balance. On this day, light and dark are equal, but the light is now surpassing the dark as days will grow longer and nights shorter, warmth is taking over cold, life is taking over death. Today we truly say goodbye to winter.

This is a time of major transformation for the earth. The great wheel has turned as we pass into a new season. We will notice new buds forming on branches, the birds will start returning, and animals will come out of hibernation. Flowers will start to shoot up and fields and grass will become lush and green.

The young horned God is growing stronger and the Goddess is in her maiden form. The young Sun God takes notice of the Maiden Goddess and the stirrings within them seem to be felt in all living creatures. All the world seems renewed, refreshed, and bursting with possibilities.

Ostara is an Anglo-Saxon and Celtic fertility festival worshiping the Goddess Ostara or Eostre, as she is also known. Eggs and rabbits are her fertility symbols. The egg resembles new life and birth, the rabbit signifies fertility.

The Horned Sun God, also known as The Oak King or the Lord of Light; the Gods Pan, Cernunnos, and Sun Gods such as Sol, Apollo, Attis, Ra, and Horus are also worshiped on this day.

Eostre’s feast day is traditionally held on the first Full Moon following the Spring equinox, the identical time as the Christian Easter when Jesus was said to be resurrected from death. The Sun God, Attis, who was born via a virgin birth, is resurrected each year during the Spring Equinox. The Goddesses Ishtar and Persephone were also resurrected from death on Ostara.

Ostara is a time of newness and rebirth. It is a time to clean up and clear out all our old junk, this is where we get the term “spring cleaning” from. But it isn’t just clearing out our homes, it is also clearing out the junk and negative energy that we carry around with us. Let the new energies of the Sun and the Spring rejuvenate us. Welcome in the new. Breathe new life in and look to the future with hope and optimism.

On your alter, add anything to represent and honor the season such as budding flowers like crocuses, daffodils, lilies, daisies, acorns, and seeds. Ostara is a time of balance between light and dark, so symbols of this polarity can also be used. Use a God and Goddess statue, a white candle and a black one, a sun and moon, etc. This is the time of year when animals are bringing forth new life too so put a basket of eggs on your altar, as it is customary and fun to paint them bright colors before adding them. Add figures or pictures of new lambs, chicks, rabbits, calves etc. Add a chalice of milk or honey; milk represents the lactating animals who have just given birth and honey is long known as a symbol of abundance and as bees will start to come out now, offer these as a libation to the God and Goddess.

The Spring Equinox is a time of balance of both light and dark, it is a time to look within ourselves and balance our thoughts and emotions and find balance in our lives. To embrace our dark and our light equally as one cannot exist without the other. This is a time to stop, relax, and enjoy our personal achievements, whether they be from toiling in our gardens, working at our jobs, raising our families, or just coping with the hustle and bustle of everyday life. What we put into life we will get out, what we plant now can grow into something amazing.

May your Ostara be memorable and your hearts and spirits be filled to overflowing.

Written credit: Wicca Teachings

Photo Credit: Various

Edited by: Lisa Marino

Sick Writer

Miss Poison Migraines, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thoughts, Writing , , , , , ,

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I find myself unable to concentrate this afternoon as I work on what I can only hope is my second to last draft. Everything is coming together nicely, but my health is taking an unhappy turn.

It only took six and a half months, two applications (the first of which they lost and didn’t tell me about until January!), and a plethora of phone calls to find out that my health insurance has finally been approved! The utterly daunting task of finding a primary care physician, a neurologist, and someone who can actually diagnose and treat whatever the hell I have is overwhelming.

Over the past few years I’ve come to wonder if I was properly diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Sure, I match all the criteria, but is that what this truly is? There are so many other pain-related autoimmune disorders, and disorders that are pain-related and neurological. I wasn’t tested for the majority of them and it’s been a while since I was retested for Lyme Disease. In turn, I’ve decided to meet a new doctor and simply give him/her a list of my symptoms. I’d need to have blood work and tests done any way, so I’d rather start fresh and not even bring the word Fibromyalgia up to a new physician. I want someone to come back to me with a clear-cut diagnosis and a treatment plan. I don’t want to be jerked around. Nor do I want to be judged or treated like a drug addict for saying it. I haven’t been on prescription pain medication in five years. If I’d been addicted, it would have posed a serious problem. Instead, it was just an asshole doctor playing with my life. A doctor who lied to my face when I asked about his residency at a local hospital (it’s how I was referred to him, by a nurse that had worked with him). He’s the only doctor in the United States with that precise first, middle, and last name, so why lie about where you did your residency? It’s common knowledge with a little research. That wasn’t the only indication that something about him was off. Being dropped as a patient without warning was the icing on the cake after his in-office behavior.

My migraines have progressively gotten worse. I am currently on day ten of a migraine that has destroyed me. Each day I’m a little more hesitant to eat or drink, because anything can trigger my headaches now, and I simply don’t see any correlation between food, drink, and when I’ll get slammed with a headache. I can be okay for an hour or two, and the second I sit down to put the information into the migraine app, I get slammed with horrific head pain, nausea, etc. These are clear signs that I’m NOT okay and that I need to make sure a brain MRI is done soon. The last one I had was of my brain and spine. The brain scan is usually 35 minutes with and without contrast, but the spine takes longer and the position is extremely uncomfortable when you suffer from serious lower back pain. I ended up having a claustrophobic panic attack inside the machine. That had never happened to me before, so this time, I am going to make sure I’m armed with Valium, Xanax, or whatever a doctor can give me so I don’t have a meltdown in the middle of the test. I’m not usually claustrophobic at all, but I now know that MRI machines and snow storms cause me to go into pre-panic meltdowns at the mere thought. It’s the exact opposite of who I am, so it’s hard to explain why this is suddenly happening to me. I hope that whatever this is, it doesn’t not require surgery. I did some research and didn’t like what I found. 😦 This is precisely why I hate when people say “You could have this…” and I end up Googling it to educate myself on something I’ve never heard of before, only to convince myself of the “What Ifs”. A case of the “What Ifs” will only increase ones’ stress levels and anxiety, so why do people say shit like that”?! It’s one thing if I’m with someone and they’re displaying signs of a heart attack or stroke, in which case I am getting them an aspirin (for the former) and calling 911, regardless of which situation it may be. I don’t have to be anything more than concerned, and get them medical attention as quickly as possible.

The nicest thing a person can say when I’m suffering is “I’m concerned. Make an appointment and I will go with you.” If you’re going to say one thing and not mean it, then I’ll go whenever the fuck I go, but it won’t be on your terms.

I sit here this afternoon, really praying I don’t end up in the emergency room or at Urgent Care over a migraine. I’ll pretend that the stomach pain I’ve had on and off since Sunday is an abdominal migraine. I’ve never been diagnosed with them, but the symptoms come with a lot of my migraines these days, depending on the severity. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to put two and two together. In fairness, what will either place really do for me? Not a whole lot. I’d be lucky to leave with an abortive, like Relpax, and a referral to a neurologist. That doesn’t help me, but would they do blood work on site? Yes.

I’ve already had to cancel my appointment with a Physician’s Assistant due to transportation issues. I don’t feel good about that, but it’s a huge scheduling conflict. Not every appointment in my life can be at the crack of dawn, especially when I am having severe issues falling asleep and staying that way. An early morning appointment means no sleep for me until I return home, and that’s if I can sleep at all. It then screws up my schedule until a week’s worth of Melatonin can correct the problem. So unless I’m sleeping well, I don’t commit to appointments that early because I cannot guarantee I’ll be able to make them. If I’m awake at six in the morning, chances are I’m in pain or didn’t get an ounce of sleep. I’ve got allergy medicine knocking me out most nights, and kind that is marked “non-drowsy”, so I’m not being stubborn, but I am owning my limitations.

Normal walked out the door a long time ago. I can’t expect anything to give me my life back. All I can do is muddle through the pain and pray that someone will eventually hand me the correct diagnosis.

Wishing everyone who celebrate a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Have a good weekend, one and all.

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

constantlytorn

 

Full Crow Moon In Virgo

Miss Poison Full Crow Moon, Virgo, Writing , , , , ,

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Tonight is the Full Crow Moon, also known as the Worm Moon and the Sap Moon. It is called the Crow Moon for the cawing crows that signal the end of winter. As the earth thaws, worms start to appear. It also marks the time when maple sap begins to flow and the annual tapping of maple trees begins.

As we move to Ostara, the Spring Equinox on March 20th when both day and night are at equal length, we are reminded to find our own inner balance. Focus on inner wisdom and self-analysis.

This Full Moon is in the sign of Virgo; this will give us a keen eye for detail. We will see things, people, and situations in our lives with crystal clarity; a light will be illuminated allowing us to see beyond the shadows.

This Full Moon is about cultivating and growing, just as the Suns’ energy and nature is doing at this time. Plant the seeds of new ventures, plan for the future, think about what it is you want and need, and set about putting a plan into action. Use this energy for your own personal transformation, rebirth, and regrowth. New life is blooming during this phase of the Moon, as is prosperity and fertility.

This Full Moon illuminates our inner feelings and desires, so emotions can be quite raw and enhanced. The Virgo Full Moon means we may be overly critical of ourselves and of others. Try not to see the bad in everything, instead, look for the good. The Virgo sign is a very hard-working, practical sign, so use its energy for getting jobs done that you have been putting off for a while. Virgo is not scared to face deep issues, so tackle any problems and bring them to an end.

This Full Moon brings light to whatever was hidden in the darkness or buried within the subconscious such as emotional pain or our deepest desires, but once awareness happens you are able to make realistic changes. Our emotional levels move like strong turbulent waves in the ocean during high tide for some during this Full Moon. Emotional reactions may be strong, energies may feel irritable or uptight, but don’t worry, this will pass. We are amidst great times of transformation which are heralding major new beginnings. Change isn’t always easy or comfortable and it’s constant, so we must strive to keep our balance during these changing tides.

The world as it stands is challenged by many opposing forces now. We feel them both personally and collectively, pushing against our own will, raising difficult questions, triggering issues we would rather avoid. How we keep our own balance of light and dark and manage our own inner conflicts largely dictates how we manage outside ones. If we struggle with our own anger or hatred, telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel this way, we will struggle to respond effectively to the anger of others, allow yourself to feel angry or upset, but don’t let it take over, keep a balance. If we fear our own power, preferring to see ourselves as victim rather than creator, we may succumb to the power wielded by others, adopting their thoughts and priorities, behaviors and lifestyles without discerning the right path for us. If we refuse to acknowledge our own inner selfishness that demands its own way no matter what, we may project it onto the world around us, pointing the finger of judgement and even becoming a bully. Don’t suppress your feelings, embrace your light and your dark sides as one cannot exist without the other. We need both. Let go of guilt and allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling without self judgment.

Let the energy of this Full Moon wash over you and cleanse your spirit, use it to heal you both emotionally and physically. Let the moonlight bathe and sooth you, mind, body and soul. Seek a balance of light and dark and see the truth in your life however much it may hurt, only then can you do something about it.

Have a blessed Full Moon, and may the Goddess watch over you.

Written & photo credit: Various

Edited by: Lisa Marino

Checking In

Miss Poison Poison In Lethal Doses, Writing , , , ,

PILD-speaker

Hello everyone! I hope this finds everyone in a good place, or at least, not a painful one. Life happens and I know it’s not all roses, sunshine, and ice cream. 😦

I didn’t mean to drop off the planet for a bit, and in truth, it hasn’t been that long. Even still, it’s unacceptable to keep everyone out of the loop.

About two and a half weeks ago I began writing a piece of fiction that has been haunting me for several months. I began my third draft this morning of an 80,000 word novel. It’s a genre I was unaware I could write, but I am thoroughly enjoying my time spent (About 8-14 hours a day) with these characters. And even though the characters keep changing their strengths and personalities on me, each trying to be in the lead for who is stronger, I am finding myself doing all that I can to keep their best assets in tact, and complete this for submission to an agent. I wouldn’t need representation if this wasn’t a “hobby genre”. It’s the polar opposite of anything else I’ve ever written. It will appeal to people who read the genre, but not so much to the average reader, and that’s okay. None of you will be obligated to grab a copy, unless I self-publish, in which case, there will be freebies available (for judgment). And even then, more than half of you won’t like it. Hell, I myself am learning to be comfortable with this new side of myself. She’s always existed, but suddenly she was handed the keys to go for it, so why the hell not make an effort?

Aside from that dose of positive news, I’ve been plagued by migraines, fell down the back stairs last week while taking out the recycling (I thought I’d come away with a few bruises and some soreness, but apparently I banged myself a lot harder than I originally thought.), and just plain haven’t felt like myself.

I am spending the majority of my time writing and rewriting. I can’t complain there. When I declared the first draft to be “missing something”, I banged out a 20,000 word change that shifted the entire story in a few direction. So what is my problem? Finding the right way to stop the story. Doing a “one and done” novel has never been something I’d anticipated attempting. I like writing series work. It allows for expansion and growth, and takes the reader on a journey. A book should be more than words on a page; it should mean something. Regardless of genre, you should come away educated, enlightened, happy, sad, or a plethora of other things, but you should still gain something from your time spent reading an author’s work. Even if you hate it. However, agree, here and now, not to tell me you hated something I wrote. Respectfully decline to comment on it, don’t read it a second time, but agree not to tell me you hated it. 😉 I’ll have plenty of detractors, and I do, but it’s so much easier to say “Congrats on your achievement.” than “I hated it!” While not the most diplomatic person on the planet, I’ve never told a single friend of mine that writes that I hated their work. I’d rather say something isn’t my taste, and not be disrespectful to what I know is not easy work to start and complete.

The days and weeks have flown by since I started writing this new body of work. The fact that I allowed it to simmer inside my head for so long is the culprit behind being able to get so much down so quickly. That, and the fact that I type over 100 words per minute.

If all else fails, at least I know I tried something new.

Wishing you all a wonderful end to this day. I will be back as soon as possible. Currently immersed in a month in this year we have yet to take on. 🙂

Be happy, healthy, and safe everyone.

Until next time,

L

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED