Greetings & Returns

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Today felt like a decent opportunity to hop on and try to say something of substance. It sounds great in my head, but there are no guarantees for how it flows in front of you. All I am giving for now is effort, which is better than nothing at all on a site I do all of the work on, and pay for.

There’s so much going on within the silence, which has become a disturbing form of, “normal” for my tribe, and yes, for me, as well. I made the crucial decision to let unsupportive friends, family members, and friendships go. If you haven’t heard from me, and haven’t said anything of value to me in over a year, that’s precisely where we stand. You keep being silent, and I’m going to keep myself focused on those who have stood up for me, stood with me, stood by me, and would never dare two-sides a situation they themselves have no skin in. The reality, however, is that we all have a role to play in this.

Call me crazy, but I don’t recall anyone calling President Bush on 9/12 and telling him what was proportionate, or not, after so many lives were lost on U.S. soil, so fuck those who’ve been doing this with Prime Minister Netanyahu. I am sick of messages asking me for proof. What the hell do I have to prove to you? I will cheerfully provide a list of roughly one hundred people who will be all too happy to show you, “proof”. I can’t guarantee the temperament you’ll get, but truly, I’m more than happy to pass the info along. I think it would be incredibly helpful and educational for so many to be faced with the sheer brutality. Yes, that’s partial sarcasm. Also, I’m sort of done explaining how I feel. No one has cared, and I will not pursue anything in light of this.

To get back to, “normal”, my body had a stress meltdown. I had an injury begin at the end of February. I couldn’t do anything when I needed to sleep, nor could I do much when I was completely unable to walk, dragging my leg behind me like a wounded animal. I’ve never seen my cats so terrified before. 😦 It was yet another rough patch to get through. It has returned, stopped, returned, etc. This is how stress has built up in my body to the point of a breakdown. There are many other side effects I will not discuss. Suffice to say, I am gearing up to see a new orthopedic specialist, neurologist, and a specialist who is focused on facial pain, as I officially have Trigeminal Neuralgia (It’s the plague, you just can’t see it.). I’ve had x-rays done, which rendered some new and odd results, and I have three MRIs to schedule. For now, only one was approved. It’s easier to suffer once from all three, than it is to suffer separately for each MRI, but at this point, I am gearing up to do one, unless miracles happen this month.

When it wasn’t me suffering, it was Cat. There was a terrifying incident with her and a trip to an Urgent Care vet. She is significantly better now, but will be on medication for the rest of her life. I am lucky to have had previous experience with this particular health issue. 😦 She’s not liking the special diet she needs to be on, which I kind of expected might be an issue. She’s extremely picky as it is, and smart enough to pick around the new food to only eat what she likes. I have watched her spit pieces onto the floor or into her water dish. I’ve eliminated two brands, but have been lucky to find others which don’t require a prescription. I want to keep her healthy and avoid issues moving forward. I know this is not something I did or caused, but it is definitely difficult from an emotional standpoint. When she’s stubbornly fought me on food, I have been frustrated by the waste. The vet did not make this any easier on me. Medicating her initially required an extra set of hands. I have always said she takes the most liberties with me because I’m the person she’s had every day of her life since she was twelve weeks old. She fights me, dodges me, avoids me, and has not spent much time with me since this all began, but she slowly began to realize that she wasn’t being hurt, and that the medication made her feel better. She also gained weight she had initially lost, so I am hoping for good results moving forward. I am happy she is starting to socialize again and check in on me.

It’s been a trying year, an emotional year, and one where I’ve definitely felt alone and abandoned by people I thought would be in my life, for the rest of my life. I silently said goodbye to people, because I will not tolerate blatant antisemitism, nor will I tolerate selfishness, people who cannot listen, people who talk over me, and people who don’t understand that an apology has layers. I don’t miss an ounce of the drama others brought forth.

2024 has not turned out as planned, and that’s understandable. There are much bigger plans in motion, huge projects (One was announced in June. I will share it here soon.), and I am SO excited to share it all, as it unfolds. For now, I can truly say I am walking into my Red Era. Join the Broadcast Channel on Instagram (It’s linked.), which is where all members receive exclusive content, early announcements, and more. Hope to see you there. XO, L

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Silver Linings

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At this particular point in time, I am having difficulties seeing the silver linings. Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it sucks. We’ve all experienced this. I’m not quite certain what to do when it’s predominantly sucky.

I work hard, but there is always a problem that arises and it’s always something I have to fix. It makes almost all aspects of life, outside of a handful of things, completely miserable, moving straight into unbearable. When does it end? 😦

At a severe low point, I called a suicide prevention hotline. I feel absolutely no shame in admitting that. I do, however, feel incredible outrage by how I was treated by this hotline that will willingly accept my donations, and yours, but refused to so much as help me when I wasn’t very far away from my personal ledge.

The person who took my call was already on the phone with someone “in a more severe crisis”. I have no idea how she knew this other person was in a more severe situation than I was because the first thing she did was put me on hold for about 30 minutes. Let me reiterate that she never even bothered to ask me if I was all right and in a safe place before she did that. She finally comes back on the line and says that the other call is more important and I should try calling back later. She didn’t ask where my head space was, NOTHING. She spewed the call back later crap and hung up. Even if you’re short-handed, even if you’re a volunteer, that isn’t the way to treat anyone who is calling a suicide prevention line. Clearly, they’re not calling for shits and giggles, it takes courage to make that call. I hung up with my jaw wide open, feeling even more betrayed by the world. It was a gut punch. “Wow! Even the suicide prevention hotline can’t prioritize me for half a second before hanging up!” If I wanted to be treated that way, I have family for that.

Earlier this year a now former friend asked me via text message if I “needed professional help”. Instead of understanding that I was in a bad place and needed support, she ended up blowing me off and later “broke up” with me via e-mail. I thought we’d be friends a very long time, so I was understandably blown away by the dramatic behavior and inability to show compassion to another human-being. I will never name names, but I am also at that point where forgiveness is not an option. You only get one chance with me. (Other things did occur towards the end, but I will never discuss any of that because it’s private. If the other person chooses to say something, they would be wrong.)

Telling me you’re worried about me via text message doesn’t convey care or concern. It’s just words. Picking up the fucking phone and saying “I know you’re not okay. I’m here for you.” is a better way to let anyone know that you’re truly there for them.

One of the biggest issues with cell phones and tablets is that no one talks to each other or communicates properly. The other day a woman took a call in front of me from her mother. Her mother wanted to argue and she said “Lets discuss this in person. There is no need to have this conversation over the phone. I will see you in a few hours.” She repeated the same statement several times because apparently she was dealing with a stubborn parent. When she hung up she said she HATED how people misconstrue things via text, e-mail, and sometimes even over the phone. She was totally on my level, saying how she’d rather be face-to-face with certain people because that way, there’s no misunderstanding whatsoever. It was incredibly refreshing.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. If I sense that someone is going through a rough time, whether they voice it or not, they don’t have to ask me to be a good friend or family member, because I do not lack common sense. I am not the world’s most compassionate soul (I openly admit that.), and I will never win awards for my niceness (The niceness gene died at age 12.), but I am emotionally present. That’s more than I can say for a great many people in my life and those I’ve chosen to get rid of.

If you love your friends, you fight for them. Their well-being is important to you and you don’t need to be insulting in order to get your point across. The same is true for family. I come from a very large extended family, but at the end of the day, they are almost exclusively people I happen to be related to (Who are banned from future book signings and appearances. LOL.). They’re not my everyday “I’ve got your back”, “Don’t worry about it.”, “No problem, I’ll help you.” family. There’s an immense difference. I have friends and family I’d do anything for, but with the rest… I’d break out the marshmallows if they were on fire.

Ultimately, not everyone you know is a good person down to roots of their soul. If you find those that are good, don’t let them go over petty idiocy. Learn how to say “I’m sorry” when you’re wrong or when you’ve hurt someone. Learn how to admit you don’t know it all. Be yourself, be real, GROW.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. So, I employ a “live and let live” policy. If you’re good to me, I will appreciate that and I will say so. If you’re a piece of shit to me, eventually I will make sure you know what I think of you. Or I won’t be so bothered as to waste the oxygen, that all depends on my mood.

If you’re a part of my life, I am grateful to have you in it. I keep my circle of friends close because of the value I place upon the element of friendship. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have true friends, and I really don’t trust women who don’t have at least 1-3 close female friends. It’s a red flag. Kind of like a man at a bar that still has a tan line where his wedding band should be, but tells you he’s single or how horrible his “soon-to-be” ex-wife is. Unless you see divorce papers, he’s full of crap and is a married man who hasn’t stopped dating.

I’m eternally appreciative that I am one of those rare people who truly doesn’t care if people like me or not. I spend no time at all wondering what others think of me as a person. Those that take the time to get to know me on a deeper level are the ones that benefit from my fierce loyalty and “ride or die” friendship. Those that burn me clearly don’t know that, like the Phoenix, I will always rise again.

As We Grow…

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This is such an incredible message to share. I hope it means as much to everyone else as it does to me.

I do not know when I’ll be able to write a new post, unfortunately, but I will do my best. I fractured a couple of bones in my right hand and due to that injury, discovered exactly how hard I type and how much I use the first three fingers on this hand, which is where the injury is centered. It hurts ten times more today than it did Sunday night when it first happened, and the pain travels into my wrist, which makes it worse. I will be fine, so long as I don’t overtax it too much. I can’t really adhere to “resting it” or “keeping it wrapped” because I have to work, among other things, but as I said, I will do my best and be back to all of you ASAP.