Are There Words?

donotjudge'

Are there words? Yes, there are always words. Even in silence, there are words.

The last few days have felt like a complete and utter mind-fuck. I am championing through it. I deserve a medal, but will settle for a cupcake.

There are so many subjects I plan on writing about, but if I did it now, this would be a gigantic mess of “What the hell just happened here?”, despite the fact that every point I would be making would be valid. I’d hit a point of “What do I say? What do I write?” and then things started happening and it was definitely the universe answering my questions. You do not need anyone to give you a writing prompt when life is FULL of them. I wish people were smarter in their dealings with me, but since they aren’t, you will all benefit from the methods that are my madness.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend in some capacity. Mine has been a blur thus far. I’m on my second migraine of the weekend. I found an awesome migraine app that allows you to track your headaches, all the areas in which you’re experiencing pain, the side effects, what medication(s) you took or have taken, alternative forms of treatment used, and it tracks the entire duration of the headache in terms of length. It also tracks your sleep. At the end of the month, you get an e-mailed report so you can keep track of your sleep patterns and migraine patterns. I wish I’d had it months ago. If anyone wants to know what it is, please let me know. It was created by neurologists and so far, I am impressed.

Enjoy your Sunday everyone! I am off in search of sleep.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

sometimespeople1

 

 

The Long Slow March Towards…More

nobodycanreplaceit

Someday in the not-too-distant future, holiday weekends such as this one will have more meaning for me. They won’t just be about the “official end of summer” or hoisting the flag in a show of patriotism. No one should need a holiday to be proud of where they’re from. Unless, of course, Barack Obama is your President, is systematically destroying this country, and we’re heading into an election year, but I digress. Weekends like this will eventually be about family.

I wish I’d known ten years ago how fiercely I wanted the things I want today. I wish I’d known then that it was okay to pursue those dreams and goals, without fear. By fear I don’t mean fear in the traditional sense, more in the “How the hell am I going to do THIS?” sense. No matter how much faith and confidence you have, we all have moments of self-doubt. It’s normal. You can do every single thing in your life the “traditional way” and it can still go to shit before your eyes. I think people become consumed with honoring other people’s wishes, hopes, and dreams, and lose sight of their own.

When I said that I was going to make a career change, that in no way entailed the end of me putting ink to paper. It meant “I need more.”

I have a family member who is incredibly content to fill her home with rescued animals. And by fill, I truly mean FILL.

I was told, no joke, that I should feel “immense guilt” for not choosing to personally save more lives. I had to flat-out say that while admirable, I want my life to have more to it than that. Animals are wonderful, anyone who has spent five minutes reading my work knows that I love cat and kitten, but is that all I ever want to come home to until the day that I die? No. I respect her choice, but she cannot comprehend mine because she made her decision years ago. I find it simple: We want different things. That’s okay. It doesn’t make one person better and the other worse, it means we have different ideas for our lives, and she should be able to accept it and let it go. My life is not an animal sanctuary. Anyone who cannot understand that probably shouldn’t be a part of my life in any capacity.

Each of us wants different things in life. Some people might want the traditional life of a husband/wife, 2.5 kids (or no children), a dog/cat (or no pets), and the white picket fence. And others…we want more. It has nothing to do with material things and everything to do with depth. That’s precisely what I seek; Depth. Material things aren’t always yours “forever”, but the miracle of your own flesh & blood…that’s eternal.

In life, we all deserve the chance to find the things that make us feel whole, whatever that may be. Wherever you find your happiness, may it be the ‘more’, the depth, and the eternal truth that we all seek, whether we admit it or not.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

dontequate

 

 

Zombie Lisa

dueto

I had something great planned, and then insomnia bit and there’s no way I will be able to put the finishing touches on it this morning. Perhaps later or tomorrow. At the moment, I am in desperate need of serious sleep. I am so tired, I’m shaking. 😦

I’ve had four migraines and a couple of minor headaches since going back on Topamax. I increased the dose to 50 mgs a few days ago accidentally. I went to have breakfast one morning and I was running late. I misplaced the pill I’d set aside, and ended up taking two without realizing it. However, once I’d done it I decided it was probably safe to keep doing, though I’m afraid to move to 75 mgs any time soon. I am not 1000% certain it’s the medication because this has never happened to me before. It could be any number of things, but I highly suspect this medication is turning me into a crazy bitch. I don’t say this lightly and if anyone else ever said it I’d knock their teeth out because there’s nothing funny about it. (I have since added three different apps to my phone because these pills are tiny and you never know when you’re going to need a reminder. It takes a split second to drop one and think you’ve taken it.)

It could be stress, hormones, not sleeping well, a combination of all three, or it could be a side effect of the medication. It DOES make me really sick if I go past 125 mgs, so I just asked Case Study One if I’ve been crazier/bitchier than usual. I’m pretty sure he told me to wash my face, brush my teeth, and go the fuck to bed. Truth is, I know he was avoiding answering the question. I’m not sure why men think valid health questions are “tricks”.

The physical pain is still a constant. I have my good days and my bad days. This will always be true. I spent several hours researching some new pain treatments yesterday and I will be going over them with the next doctor I see, which will hopefully be soon. When I actually look forward to seeing a doctor, it’s safe to say that hell has frozen over and become a ski resort. Take blood, run tests, and write me out all the necessary prescriptions. All I care about is feeling better.

All bets are off if the doctor says one insulting, mean-spirited, unnecessary word. I have Fibromyalgia, I’m not in your office for heroin.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

ifyouseeme

Pass The Hammer

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In the suburbs, it seems that people are always trying to “top” one another by adding on to their homes. In this particular area we all have about the same amount of physical land, but the houses range in size ever so slightly. Most of the homes are pretty standard 1-3 bedrooms with one bathroom, some also have a half bath. Those that have been remodeled within the last 1-15 years are larger internally and/or externally, depending on who did the design.

For several years I had to listen to the racket of two neighbors having work done on their homes. If their contractors were on a deadline, there never appeared to be one based on the daily influx of noise that made me want to hurl hammers at the workers up on the roof. It didn’t matter what the temperature was outside, they were always making noise the second there was a glimmer of light in the sky.

A month or so ago, a house a few doors down began an add-on. I honestly thought it was on the opposite street behind me because the noise felt THAT close to my head. Every morning the banging, drilling, etc., would begin and it doesn’t seem to cease until about 4:00 PM, sometimes later. There are days they’re done at 2:00 and those are the days I praise God for the silence because sometimes, a woman needs to think in peace, ya know?

Last week I noticed that this add-on is seemingly an entirely new wing to the house. I hadn’t noticed before because I don’t go up that side of the street often enough. I have NO IDEA how they intend to actually achieve this before I murder someone.

This morning, on a viciously cloudy day, I had hoped the weather might keep them away. Nope. At 7:15, the nail guns and hammers started. I wasn’t asleep, but it is taking every last ounce of self-control to not go two houses down and tell them to get the fuck down before I go up there myself and thrown them down.

The noise drove me utterly insane yesterday. I was in so much pain that I did what I promised myself I would not do after working until after 9:00 a.m.; go back to bed. However, it took about three hours for the Aleve and the herbs to kick in to the point where I was able to fall asleep comfortably (I took them before I stopped working because, again, the pain was brutal.). When I woke up, they’d stopped working and I was THRILLED. I also prayed they weren’t screwing with me and didn’t plan on returning to work until it got dark. With some people, you never know.

The noise made me want to die during that horrible migraine period, every second of it is like a train going through your skull, but now with less headaches, I am still auditorily sensitive. The noise physically makes me ill. My body is still in “migraine mode”, ready to protect my head at the first sign of attack. I still expect bright lights and loud noises to cause me pain. And at any given moment, they can. I still have to be careful and aware of my triggers.

Call me crazy, but I find it rude to take over the entire neighborhood with noise and not say a word to anyone about the fact that all of this is going to occur. Let people know in advance. It’s called common decency!

Do you want to listen to a drill-saw at 10:00 a.m. when you’ve got a screaming newborn and haven’t had any sleep yourself? No. Do you want to listen to this shit all day long when you worked the entire night and have to sleep during the day so you can get up and go back to work each night? No fucking way. I find this type of behavior unbelievably rude and inconsiderate. It shows me, once again, how many people have their heads up their own ass.

I once had neighbors who would make noise 24 hours a day. Their TV’s were always on, blasting. Between video games in one room, music in another, and movies in a third, I was half a step away from committing murder. No matter how many times I asked them to take it down a notch or lower it all, that would only last a day or so before they’d go back to their usual behavior. They were never NOT at home, so I never got a reprieve from the noise.

No one should have to willingly leave their domicile for silence unless the work is being done inside their own home, and won’t take months. If something needed to be done, I’d respectfully let my neighbors know exactly how long it would take and I’d apologize for any inconvenience in advance, because I was raised with manners and decency. I’m not perfect, but I know how to be respectful.

Yes, I could be at Starbucks (how obnoxiously cliche’), the library, or a plethora of alternative places with free WiFi, but that would require an entirely different wardrobe than what I had in mind for today. It would also require patience, which I do not have, and dealing with people, which isn’t on my agenda on a good day, leave alone today.

It seems like every other person is “writing a book” and quite frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it. When you write in public, you leave yourself wide open to criticism. The few times I do write in public, it’s in a private room at the library where no one can see the screen and no one can ask me insipid questions.

At Starbucks, where every other person has a laptop open to their ‘book’, the idiots are also present. “So, you’re writing a book, eh?” “What’s that you’re working on there?” Every other question feels like the cast of the Pirates of the Caribbean have walked in and are nosing in everyone’s business. And naturally, I have no desire to sit there for eight hours listening to this shit and even less interest listening to people ramble on and on about “their novel”. You’re not eavesdropping, people are just that loud when it comes to bragging. Which, in turn, makes me want to scream: “Come to me when it’s finished, because then it’s “written”. Come back when it’s completely edited, cohesive in the storytelling, error-free, and sold, then it’s more than a pipe-dream. Until then, shush.” That’s not a slap or a jab at anyone, it’s simply how I feel.

I have three portfolios that are larger than you are tall and they are full of my work. I get to call myself a writer because I have systematically completed more work than I’ve started . There are many different types of writers. Not everyone writes a book, some people choose to, but I think it’s crucial to write and complete something before bragging yourself to death.

But hey, what do I know?

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

beinghonest

Pull The Covers Up And Leave Me Alone

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I’m a pretty dark person. I have a wicked sense of humor and I’ll say anything goofy to make someone laugh, but when it’s my life, there isn’t a lot I perceive as humorous. I’m not the kind of person who laughs at someone else’s pain or who enjoys hearing about someone’s breakups, divorces, illnesses, a death, etc. Laughing at other people’s pain is evil, in my eyes. When someone mentioned losing their Mom last week, I sat on my couch and cried. I’d already endured a rough week and hearing the words “My Mom passed away, but she’s at peace.” made me ill. I felt SO bad for this person. I was relieved that they had support from a spouse, friends, and family. That made me feel better for them, despite the fact that losing a parent at any age is one of the worst things one can go through. I should know; I’ve already lost both of mine. I’d give a lot to have even just one of them back. I spend every day of my life feeling like an absolute orphan.

I am good at listening to others and giving exceptional advice, but I’m not very good at listening to myself in an advisory capacity. The last thing I want to hear is the sound of my own voice. I spend a lot of time trying to shut the inside of my head up. I don’t do drugs, so that means I pull the covers around me (usually because I’m cold) and close my eyes. After a few minutes, kitten comes to check on me and she’ll cuddle in, which always makes me feel cared for. She’ll look at me with such loving green eyes and I know that she is conveying her concern for me. “Why are you sad, Mama? Don’t worry, I’ll stay with you. ” And she doesn’t leave my side until I leave the room. She is the epitome of loyal, and it is gratifying to see so much love from such a little person.

Cat also checks on me. These last few weeks she has been very observant of my unhappiness and has spent a lot of time watching me, cuddling with me, sitting on my lap at times, and looking for me. If I leave a room, she’ll trot after me to make sure I’m okay. She stares at me with her deeply knowing little face. I can almost hear her thinking “Mommy’s not okay. I always hear her say ‘I’m not okay.’, why doesn’t anyone listen to her?” I don’t know.

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I’ve been so miserable that I’ve struggled emotionally in deep, dark places. Very few people have noticed and even fewer have shown me that they care. That’s okay, because it only proves what I already know; Most people live on their own fucking planet and aren’t aware that other people exist. Good for them, but please, stay the hell out of my lane or I will mow you down for shits and giggles. I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone who has their head that far up their own ass, though I am slightly impressed with their ability to physically aim so high. Since their heads never come out, there is no need to stock up on Listerine for the “great hose down of 2015”. I’ve decided to ignore assholes, douchebags, and vicious souls for the foreseeable future. I don’t care who the person is any more, I don’t need the stupidity and heartlessness.

Oftentimes people forget that all forms of depression can strike them down at any given moment. They can be the happiest person in the happiest place, and suddenly feel as though there are no words for their internal pain. Lying about it, pretending it does not exist, and blowing off the pain of others to make yourself seem stronger doesn’t make you better, it makes you afraid of being stigmatized. It’s 2015. Get the antiquated thinking out of your head and stop being an asshole to yourself, and others. It takes strength to treat a chemical imbalance. It takes strength to talk about it. You should be ashamed if you’re lying about it and hiding it. You should be even more ashamed if you’ve hurt friends that suffer because you can’t handle the fact that they’re stronger than you are. Yelling at someone who is suffering is not helpful. Screaming at them is even less helpful. You either want to help someone because you genuinely love and care about them or you scream because you lack proper communication skills.

I will yell when I’m frustrated, I will tell someone to back off or leave me alone when I am frustrated and need space, but the only person I abuse is myself.

I never know with any certainty if I will emerge from these dark places. Medication isn’t an option for me. I wait for new drugs to be released every few years to see if something new will be the answer. And by new, I mean NEW, I do not mean reformulated with a new name, which is what most pharmaceutical companies do when a major money-making drug is about to go generic. They will re-release it under a new name, having slightly tweaked it. If you’re not proactive in researching these drugs, you will spend years taking the same fucking crap, experiencing the same horrible side effects, wondering why you never feel better.

I am the exception, not the rule. Many people do find medication that works after some trial and error, even if only for short periods of time. I am chemically sensitive and I have been written off as “treatment-resistant”, which means that my brain doesn’t respond to all sorts of crazy chemical cocktails. No drug has ever worked for me on a long-term basis. Every time I “go dark”, it is up to me, and me alone, to try to pull myself out of the deep, dark hole before things get worse. I’m really tired of everyone’s opinions in regard to that. When you’re hurting, you want to be understood. You don’t want to hear hypocrisy or “That’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Um, NO. I will have this for the rest of my life. That my friends, is fucking permanent.

I will never be a perfect, blooming flower for anyone. I wish people understood that depression does not diminish who I am, it does not detract from what I bring to the table. It does not make me less talented, less intelligent, or less anything. If anything, it makes me the more interesting person in the room with a little more vibrancy at times because I hold a lot back daily. I don’t shine all of the time, but when I do, I highly suggest wearing sunglasses.

Here’s hoping I will soon shine again.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

stayingquiet

Trolling

iwhisper

If you’ve excommunicated, dismissed, rejected, “broken up”, “divorced”, or tossed a person from your life, no matter who that person may be, then I see absolutely NO reason in hell for you to troll their Facebook page, Twitter account, Instagram, Pinterest, website, blog, or any other form of social media looking for updates or insight as to how their life is without you in it. In fact, I find the behavior utterly pathetic. Why am I mentioning this? Because I’ve got a few trolls and I can’t stand the hypocrisy.

If you don’t want me in your life, that’s fine. Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you, but don’t think I don’t know when you’re reading my work. I have tracking software and I know your IP address. Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling?!

When I let someone go from my life, that’s it. Done means DONE. It doesn’t mean I check in on them via social media, it means I’m DONE. I will always keep what they’ve told me private because that’s how I roll, I will not discuss them by name to anyone, but do I feel the need to cyber stalk them? No. I mourn the loss of the relationship and I move forward. I was fine before you and I will be fine after you. Eventually I might even forget their name (Okay, that’s not true. Their name goes on a list to send to my Bolverk. Anyone who understands that reference gets ten points.), but I stand firm in my decision. Some people are meant to pass through your life and show you things, they’re not meant to be a permanent staple. Live and let live.

I find it disturbing when people, even in a minor way, feel the need to troll another person’s life. When someone treats me like shit and then disappears, I know it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own shortcomings and issues. I don’t see the point in a person like that continuing to read my work. What the hell are you expecting to find? Because if you’d like your name, address, phone/cell number, and/or Social Security Number listed on my header, I have news for you: No one is important enough for me to be so bothered. I have a life. It’s not the life of Jennifer Lopez or Bill Gates, but it is still a life and I do not feel the need to be vengeful because you’re deranged. Once again: Life was fine before you and it’s moving along at a steady pace without you. Unlike your imagination, the world does not revolve around you or your role, or lack thereof, in my life.

I respect and value my friends/friendships. I hold them in very high regard. If you blow the opportunity to be a part of that, it’s 100% on you. I let it fly because you cannot keep friends who don’t want to be kept and you cannot force people into friendships when they have ulterior motives or they come into a friendship with trust issues stemming from the past. I can only be myself. Loyal, present, and real. I am not going to change to make other people more comfortable. I don’t need to put myself in a small box because a few people can’t handle the fact that I am a strong personality who won’t eat shit politely with a knife and fork.

You either want me in your life or you don’t. I let you make your own decisions, and then I decide if I value you enough to allow you to return. If you don’t want me in your life, but you’re entertained by my pain, stop fucking trolling places you have no business being. That’s not “being a good person”, that’s being a hypocrite. May God explain the difference to you because you clearly have the common sense of a beach ball.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

bythepower

Inappropriate Timing

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I’ve been working on different things I wanted to discuss, but in light of what’s happening all over the world at the moment, I’m shelving several pieces until tempers and emotions scale back a bit. I am not insensitive and can see where people could/would get upset at an inappropriately timed post. I had NO idea these things would happen as I was preparing and writing, obviously. I simply wrote from my perspective. Life is, at best, unpredictable.

I pray that better days, better moments, are waiting for all of us.

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For those of you who’ve checked in on me via e-mail or other forms of social media these last few days: THANK YOU. I’m never entirely sure if people truly care or if they’re just being nosey, but I know that at least a few of you truly DO care about me and I appreciate it.

I know that a lot of you run in the same circles as people who dislike me. Yes, there are people who dislike my cheer, charm, and blatant honesty. It’s astounding, isn’t it? 😉 I don’t blow smoke up their ass and tell them what they want to hear, therefore I am not a part of their cliques. I weep openly about it…never. If any of you are attempting to play both sides, know that I am aware that some people get pulled into the middle of things for no reason whatsoever. If someone says something to you and you have no idea why they’re coming to you with it, please be kind enough to say something to me before I find out. I don’t usually kill messengers, unless the delivery is really bad.

Thank all that is Holy that tomorrow is Friday. I’ve got studying to do (Yay!), editing to focus on, but mostly, I just want to get as much sleep as humanly possible and clean up my DVR queue in preparation for Fall premieres. It’s unbelievable how little there is to watch. That should free up lots of time for writing and new things on the horizon.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Irritability Isn’t Cute

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I HURT. There’s no getting around that. After nearly two straight weeks where I haven’t missed a single dose of Topamax, a migraine broke through last night. I was waiting for it. I expected it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as a migraine without a preventive in my system, but after almost two weeks with just an occasional mild headache, it was still an awful lot of pain during a time when the rest of my body was flaring up something fierce. It was only made worse by the fact that I couldn’t sleep.

This morning I decided not to punish the medication. It didn’t fail me, there will always be migraines that break through, so I took my dose, managed a little water, made a quick phone call, and now I am sitting here waiting for that call to be returned. I have documents to proof for printing later today and honestly, I am OUT after that. Just put my whiny, bitchy ass to bed and leave me here until my attitude improves. No one ever said irritability is cute, but when you can hear yourself sound utterly miserable, all you want to do is duct tape your mouth shut. Or maybe that’s just me?

Update on Maggie: This poor dog is STILL being mistreated. Apparently her paperwork checked out and the father backed off, but my next door neighbor (the husband) is expecting to be sued over the dog bite. He never added the dog to his insurance when they agreed to take the dog on temporarily for six months. His wife’s son is across the country doing some sort of mandatory USMC training and left the dog with his mother. I’m not sure if he’s ever MET his mother, but last night, while I was trying to do I don’t even remember what in silence, all I could hear was her screaming “Maggie, NO!” at the top of her lungs. I was already sick, or I would have gone outside and said “Hey bitch! What the fuck is this poor dog doing that is worth yelling at her for? Have you ever heard of a dog trainer? Perhaps they can take you for a few weeks and train you how to behave. All the dog ever does is bark and run away from you. That should tell you everything you need to know.” Alas, I was stopped because someone (not me) thought that was “a bit harsh”. I truly don’t think it could be harsh enough. Yelling and screaming at an animal is tantamount to abuse. Surely there are other family members that could take her and care for her until November/December. If you love an animal, you don’t leave it behind with an insane person. You also don’t name it like it’s a person, but hey, to each their own. People do tend to do that with dogs.

Animals don’t understand or respond to yelling. It is simply traumatic for them. I’ve seen animals run and hide if a person is simply speaking loudly, not even yelling, so some animals are more traumatized than other from being in a shelter, foster situation, from being re-homed, etc. Much like people, animals have triggers too and it is important to pay attention and be able to identify them.

In this, animals are a lot less dramatic and wishy-washy than people are. They either love you or they don’t, but once they do, they are with you ’til the end. Animals understand loyalty far better than people do.

When I come back in my next life, I am coming back as a cat.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

ithinktheyknow