Break, Not Broken

I came into this world intolerant of fake people, lies, and bullshit. This has only become more pronounced as I’ve gotten older.

There are actual photos of me as a baby, newly home from the hospital, and the expression on my face is priceless. I know exactly what I was thinking in every single photo because the core of who I am has not changed. If I didn’t like the person holding me, it showed. If I thought someone was false, it showed. To this day, you can see a lot of what I’m thinking on my face, unless I’m using what is often called my “FBI face”. It’s an incredibly blank “I really don’t give a shit” face. It can come across bitchy, but it’s really me, completely uninterested. Unfortunately, I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately.

My thought process of late is blank. I’m incapable of listening to bullshit or tolerating much of anything. In fact, my tolerance level is zilch, so comment with caution.

Paying attention to anything for more than a few minutes at a time is actually intolerable. I catch myself spacing out when people talk to me. The only things I can listen to are 1) A baby’s cries and 2) A cat’s cries. In my maternal make-up, these sounds are the ONLY sounds that turn me into a fearless, it-doesn’t-matter-that-I-got-no-sleep-what’s-wrong kind of person. Everything else, right now, either makes me sick or makes me want to lock myself in a hole. I call it my “boiling point”. When I reach that level, it’s time to disengage from certain aspects of my life.

Obviously these are not normal patterns for me. I’ve lived a long time and haven’t hidden in a broom closet once, or any closet for that matter. I suspect we ALL want to walk away from life at times, just pick up and go somewhere for a year or so, and not be bothered by the bullshit of daily life. It’s normal and it’s okay to feel that way. And yet, I won’t go because I feel rooted by responsibilities.

Someone said to me last month “Not having a cell phone for a few months can be very freeing.” Amen to that, brother! When a phone rings, unless I already know who it will be, I cringe. It doesn’t matter if it’s my home phone or my cell, I visibly cringe. There are less than five people I will accept calls from, and only one person whose texts I look forward to because she constantly makes me laugh or encourages me, and I respect the supportive relationship I have with her (She knows who she is because we text a LOT.). Everything else in my life feels bleak. It feels like somewhere along the way, everything became deeply shaded in grey, and there is very little color.

I know what rock bottom feels like. This is similar, but it is emotionally different. As we get older, our emotions for certain things change and that is to be expected. Our reactions are no longer the reactions of a teenager or someone younger, but as adults, every person reacts differently.

I am often told I “think too much”, or I’m “too intense”, “too passionate”, etc. If you’re not passionate about something or someone, then what’s the point of living? If you don’t have passion, you cannot be intense about anything. If you don’t utilize the brain you are given by thinking and learning, then what’s the point of having one? Eventually, it all sounds less like “advice” and more like judgment, and lets face it, that’s exactly what it is.

Naturally people would prefer it if I were any number of things: Nicer, kinder, quieter, less vocal, less apt to open my mouth and let someone have it, etc. In the grand scheme, it makes me feel like the people in my life want me to be some soft, pathetic, whiny version of myself that I have NEVER been. I can’t tell you how many times a week someone says “Be nice.” or “That was mean.” I was honest, but apparently honesty is now considered “not nice” and “mean”. You’d think I publicly murdered puppies the way some people react to basic, every day language.

Do you want a “Yes person” around you 24/7? I don’t. It’s perfectly okay to disagree with me. Everyone is entitled to their own views and feelings. You don’t have to believe in a single thing that I believe in. You don’t have to like the things I like or watch something because I said it was fantastic. No one needs to blindly follow me. Liking me is not mandatory. In fact, I’d prefer respect over being liked. I lack the ability of making real words seems like they’ve been dipped in sugar. I can be a perfectly polite, nice person, yes, but if I disagree with something, I feel I am entitled to do so. Apparently my personality often makes other people afraid to the point where they feel they have to agree with me. Hearing that makes me nauseous because I know I don’t actually have that kind of power, but if I did, I’d use it for more important things.

Ultimately, I am burned out. Hopefully at some point within the next few months I will know precisely which direction my life is going in and be able to either go away for a while (even just a few weeks would be awesome. Sometimes a change of environment is the best thing for the soul.) or start planning a summer excursion. Anyone that would like to have me around for a while should let me know now. I’ll say anything for a laugh in my quest to be entertaining, I’m relatively low maintenance, and I cook, what more could you want?

P.S. I am begrudgingly working on a Twitter account for this page. In the meantime, you can follow me @LisaMMarino I just wouldn’t expect much right now, I’m still trying to figure it out.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.