Tragedy

Greetings & Returns

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Today felt like a decent opportunity to hop on and try to say something of substance. It sounds great in my head, but there are no guarantees for how it flows in front of you. All I am giving for now is effort, which is better than nothing at all on a site I do all of the work on, and pay for.

There’s so much going on within the silence, which has become a disturbing form of, “normal” for my tribe, and yes, for me, as well. I made the crucial decision to let unsupportive friends, family members, and friendships go. If you haven’t heard from me, and haven’t said anything of value to me in over a year, that’s precisely where we stand. You keep being silent, and I’m going to keep myself focused on those who have stood up for me, stood with me, stood by me, and would never dare two-sides a situation they themselves have no skin in. The reality, however, is that we all have a role to play in this.

Call me crazy, but I don’t recall anyone calling President Bush on 9/12 and telling him what was proportionate, or not, after so many lives were lost on U.S. soil, so fuck those who’ve been doing this with Prime Minister Netanyahu. I am sick of messages asking me for proof. What the hell do I have to prove to you? I will cheerfully provide a list of roughly one hundred people who will be all too happy to show you, “proof”. I can’t guarantee the temperament you’ll get, but truly, I’m more than happy to pass the info along. I think it would be incredibly helpful and educational for so many to be faced with the sheer brutality. Yes, that’s partial sarcasm. Also, I’m sort of done explaining how I feel. No one has cared, and I will not pursue anything in light of this.

To get back to, “normal”, my body had a stress meltdown. I had an injury begin at the end of February. I couldn’t do anything when I needed to sleep, nor could I do much when I was completely unable to walk, dragging my leg behind me like a wounded animal. I’ve never seen my cats so terrified before. 😦 It was yet another rough patch to get through. It has returned, stopped, returned, etc. This is how stress has built up in my body to the point of a breakdown. There are many other side effects I will not discuss. Suffice to say, I am gearing up to see a new orthopedic specialist, neurologist, and a specialist who is focused on facial pain, as I officially have Trigeminal Neuralgia (It’s the plague, you just can’t see it.). I’ve had x-rays done, which rendered some new and odd results, and I have three MRIs to schedule. For now, only one was approved. It’s easier to suffer once from all three, than it is to suffer separately for each MRI, but at this point, I am gearing up to do one, unless miracles happen this month.

When it wasn’t me suffering, it was Cat. There was a terrifying incident with her and a trip to an Urgent Care vet. She is significantly better now, but will be on medication for the rest of her life. I am lucky to have had previous experience with this particular health issue. 😦 She’s not liking the special diet she needs to be on, which I kind of expected might be an issue. She’s extremely picky as it is, and smart enough to pick around the new food to only eat what she likes. I have watched her spit pieces onto the floor or into her water dish. I’ve eliminated two brands, but have been lucky to find others which don’t require a prescription. I want to keep her healthy and avoid issues moving forward. I know this is not something I did or caused, but it is definitely difficult from an emotional standpoint. When she’s stubbornly fought me on food, I have been frustrated by the waste. The vet did not make this any easier on me. Medicating her initially required an extra set of hands. I have always said she takes the most liberties with me because I’m the person she’s had every day of her life since she was twelve weeks old. She fights me, dodges me, avoids me, and has not spent much time with me since this all began, but she slowly began to realize that she wasn’t being hurt, and that the medication made her feel better. She also gained weight she had initially lost, so I am hoping for good results moving forward. I am happy she is starting to socialize again and check in on me.

It’s been a trying year, an emotional year, and one where I’ve definitely felt alone and abandoned by people I thought would be in my life, for the rest of my life. I silently said goodbye to people, because I will not tolerate blatant antisemitism, nor will I tolerate selfishness, people who cannot listen, people who talk over me, and people who don’t understand that an apology has layers. I don’t miss an ounce of the drama others brought forth.

2024 has not turned out as planned, and that’s understandable. There are much bigger plans in motion, huge projects (One was announced in June. I will share it here soon.), and I am SO excited to share it all, as it unfolds. For now, I can truly say I am walking into my Red Era. Join the Broadcast Channel on Instagram (It’s linked.), which is where all members receive exclusive content, early announcements, and more. Hope to see you there. XO, L

copyright © 2024 by Lisa Marino-Molchanova & Poison In Lethal Doses, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Sixteen Years

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Today was incredibly somber for me, and I am certain other people felt this way, as well. Every year, a deep part of me re-lives 9/11. I wasn’t afraid, not for a second, but I was definitely in silent, angry shock. Sixteen years later, I still can’t believe all that has transpired since that day.

I haven’t been back home in a long time. I miss it. I’ll never stop being proud of where I come from. My city, every part of it, is deeply enmeshed in who I am. Someone told me that they like where I live now “because it’s kind of like New York, but much smaller”. Yeah, not so much.

No Matter How Evolved We Think We Are

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“No matter how evolved we think we are, when we are caught up in a terrible tragedy we don’t just sit around wondering what lessons we can learn from it — we are just simply holding on for dear life, hoping we can survive. Tragedy arrives in a blur, often accompanied by hopelessness, feigned calm, and a fog-like numbness that feels like a surreal dream. The last thing we may need when in moments of tremendous trial is empty reassurances that everything will be okay. Often, it most certainly will not be okay. What it will likely be though is different, and you will be different too. It’s better to just accept that things aren’t ever going to be the same again. As for all the lessons, sometimes we need a break from learning lessons. Sometimes we just need time and space alone; we can always learn later. In the crossroads of a painful crisis what we always need is a moment to breathe, pray, and accept our fate with dignity. This is how we steady ourselves against the great trials of life; quietly, not always bravely, but deep down in solitude, where we find our strength to survive.”

—Bryant McGill

Depressing, yes, but I think it’s a solid quote, so I am sharing it.

Today Doesn’t Feel Like A Monday

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Hello everyone! I haven’t been around much of late, and for that I am sorry, even though I know apologies aren’t necessary.

I am dealing with a family crisis and quite frankly, I’ve lost my temper and I’m one of the most unpleasant people at the moment to deal with (not that I’m all that pleasant on other days ending in Y). I’m about 0.1 seconds from utterly snapping. I’d love to be able to blame that on PMS, but the truth is, my first reaction to things isn’t always the perfect reaction, which is why I like to step away from a lot of situations, if I can, before I react. When they say stress is the leading killer, whoever “they” are, they’re right. I thought I was going to have a stress-induced heart attack last night. 😦

After apologizing to the person I yelled at, I realized that I truly see the world differently than others. I’m not a “There are so many good people in the world.” kind of person. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at the world, even as a child, with that level of naiveté. I see evil walking around disguised as “people”, and on occasion you come across a few angels looking out for others, but on a whole, this world is not chock full of good in every direction one turns in. If it were merely me, I would keep on keeping on, but when it affects someone close to me; I go ape-shit.

For those who’ve asked: Yes, I did find my brother. He got in touch with me late Tuesday morning and explained what happened, as well as his nearly two-week absence. I would like to thank the Falls Township Police Department for their assistance and to the cop that assisted me personally, who was 100% nicer to me when I called to let him know I’d found my brother. His entire demeanor changed after that, and he told me to get in touch with him if I ever need anything in the future. That was a nice moment. Not many cops send you an e-mail and include all of their contact information in case you ever need something in the future. Major points were scored for that one.

On the downside, finding my brother “safe & sound”, sort of, didn’t even last a full three and a half days before something truly horrible happened, something I’ve been concerned about for months now. All I can do in this moment is be supportive and help him get medical care because his heart isn’t good, despite having had bypass surgery last year. He is in pre-kidney failure and requires a supplement to help it (I’m not 100% sure that even he knows what it does or doesn’t do. I just know that it’s expensive and he needs it.), and his insurance chose the absolute worst time to cut him off. He is now without much-needed medication (roughly 10-12 prescriptions that must be taken daily. He has already been without these drugs long enough for damage to re-occur.) that keep his heart functioning and other things at a normal rate. I have no idea when the insurance company will start paying for his care again. Because of this, I will be posting an online fundraiser ASAP for emergency assistance. Every penny will go towards his medication and doctors visits until he has insurance backing him again. Unfortunately, they’re not very speedy, it took several months for it to be processed last time, and despite reaching out to pharmaceutical companies and various charities, no one is willing to assist him with what he needs, mostly because, despite the older ones being generics, a lot of these medications add up. This is life or death. I don’t ask for myself, but I do ask that if you can help in any way, however large or small, it is going to someone who truly needs it. If the link doesn’t go up this week (My mind can barely concentrate on the paint on the wall, much less the logistics required for this sort of thing, so bear with me.) and you are able to contribute something immediately, I will provide you with the direct information if you leave a comment or e-mail me. If you require more information, just ask. I won’t violate his privacy, but I can elaborate for those who are afraid of being scammed (Unfortunately, this does happen and I am all too aware of it. I think that is disgusting, because so many people are truly in need. I’ve never understood the scamming mentality.). For my brother, I am willing to swallow my pride and ask for much-needed help.

And now, I am going to try catching some desperately needed rest because today really IS a Monday and I can’t afford to lay in bed all day. Naturally, I wish I had better things to say as well, but I’m doing my best.

I will be back soon, and hopefully get the fundraiser going the second my foggy brain allows it.

Best,

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copyright © 2016 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.