Thankful, Grateful, Yet Pissed Off

2016-11-21 Miss Poison Honesty, Life, Musings, My Brother, November, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thanksgiving, Writing Cooking, Family, Gratitude, Honesty, Musings, My Brother, November, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thanksgiving, Things That Kill Me, Tradition, Writing

plymouth-rock-sign — My ancestors didn’t come to this country until the late 1800’s or 1920ish, if not later than that.

Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the United States. There is much history behind this holiday (I currently live in Massachusetts and you can’t escape people talking about spending the holiday in Plymouth. I’ve never spent Thanksgiving at a restaurant; I’ve always participated among family, cooked it myself, etc.), but for me, especially this year, this is the first Thanksgiving where I’ll be completely without my brother.

He was just released from the hospital once again. He’s SO sick, and while I am thankful and grateful that he is alive, I am exceptionally upset that he isn’t in a good situation and is so far away. It makes me ill. The fact that the medicine he needs for his heart and lungs is more expensive than I can handle is also too much for me emotionally. I want to help him, to fix the situation and the problems, but I can’t fix every problem he presents me with. It kills me. You are only given so many people in a life and I have been given one living brother. Not helping when he asks (or doesn’t ask) is to be a lower life form. I can’t be like that. I stand up as much as humanly possible.

I have much to be thankful for this year. I am thankful for what little in my life is mine. I’m grateful for the roof over my head, clothes, food, Cat and Kitten, my friends, and family. However, I’m also pissed off.

This has been an extremely painful year for me. I don’t know when it gets easier, or if it ever does, but I hope and pray that the coming year (and years) won’t wreck me like the previous dozen, or so, have. I’m a human-being, I’m imperfect, my feelings are real, and valid, and in 2017, I’d like to break out of this horrible shell I am in and be reborn in some way.

For the past six months or so, I’ve been experiencing bouts of Fibro Fog that are terrifying. I’ve done so many bizarre things that I’d never normally do if I was at 100% capacity (like trying to put black pepper in the freezer). For over seven months, I’ve been experiencing blackouts where I cannot account for my time. I’m not passing out and waking up on the side of the road or anything, and I’m lucky that they are no longer happening daily, but there are far too many days where I look at the clock and it’s 9:00 a.m. and the next thing I know, it’s 4:00 PM and I couldn’t tell you where my day went if you paid me a million dollars. These are not normal things for anyone, leave alone me. I stopped talking about these episodes with friends and family because no one seemed that interested or concerned, but I’m walking around on auto-pilot and I have no idea how I get from point A to point B most days. It’s scary and it’s completely unlike me.

This year, Thanksgiving will lack all forms of tradition. The only “tradition” I’ll be bringing to the table is a 40+ year old recipe for stuffing. In my entire life, I’ve only eaten one other type of stuffing and it paled in comparison to my Mom’s. However, to highlight my Fibro Fog I have to say I’m embarrassed and mortified that I remembered all of the ingredients for the stuffing, but once I hit store #3 on Sunday, I realized I never purchased the actual stuffing, herbs, or a turkey pan for it. I tend to make stuffing the night before, that way it’s perfect Thanksgiving Day (and only takes a little while to heat up). It also helps me pace myself because making it involves a lot of vegetable chopping and ingredient play. However, I am happy to make it and enjoy that piece of my Mom that she passed on to me; the ability to cook and cook well (In fairness, I did inherit other things from her, for which I am also eternally grateful.).

So yeah, lots of sadness at the moment. I’m praying I will somehow be able to come through for my brother, and as it has been nearly a year since I’ve seen him (Unheard of!), I am hoping & praying I will be able to see him next month. I have learned this year that the person who knows me best is my brother (only regarding certain things, not all things). Part of me finds that exceptionally sad, and the other part thinks it’s extremely fitting.

Wishing everyone, in advance, a wonderful start to the holiday season. You don’t have to be American to appreciate that sentiment.

Be safe, everyone!

The Bird That Would Soar

Quote 2016-06-12 Miss Poison Quotes Kate Chopin, Prejudice, Quotes, Strength, Tradition

“The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings.” ―Kate Chopin

The Darkness Follows

2014-10-05 Miss Poison Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Uncategorized, Writing Beauty, Butterflies, Darkness, Depression, Family, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Judaism, Pain, Poison In Lethal Doses, Tradition, Writing, Yom Kippur

Hello everyone! Before I say more, I’d like to take a moment to welcome all the newcomers that have hopped on board in the last week or so, and especially anyone that has taken the time to read and comment. It’s been absolutely lovely to see. 🙂

I don’t know if everyone experiences moments of deep, dark holiday related depression, but mine came out of nowhere yesterday afternoon. I had just finished reading a book in my attempt to keep fasting and distract myself, but I was suddenly hit with a blast that made me get back into bed for a few minutes, smack dab at 3:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve never spoken about it here, but I lost both of my parents a little over six years ago. I jokingly refer to myself as an orphan, but the truth is, I honestly feel like one. The few close family members I have, outside of my brother, are too far away to go and see for the holidays, or even just for the weekend. I don’t have the energy for 2-3 days trips, I like to be “away-away”, for a good 10 days, usually taking a flight home in the evening so I get to stay put a little bit longer before having to return to the daily grind. The rest of my family? If I could be paid for their level of abandonment, disrespect, rudeness, ignorance, and everything else they lack as “people”, and I use that word so loosely they should be able to hang themselves with it, then I’d be walking around in Iron Man suits, all made out of platinum. I wish that were an exaggeration. It isn’t. I am embarrassed to share bloodlines with these people. I hope none of them ever need a bodily organ where I am the sole match because I wouldn’t be able to do it. It’s very easy for me to be a good person, but if you’ve treated me like I am less than you are do to some misguided idea in your head, or you’ve blatantly disrespected me, simply for existing, then it is very easy for me to say “Fuck You”. When people push you to the point where you feel complete and utter anger, even after trying to work through that, and you’ve lost the ability to care, for me, that’s the end. I don’t care if I ever see any of them again, because that would actually be too soon for me to be nice.

Not having close friends or family nearby sucks. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me, but yesterday, I would have given ANYTHING to be at my Grandmother’s table to break fast in our family’s traditional way. Alas, I had my brother, but I’m a step away from selling him to a country of my choosing. I love my brother, but he gets on my nerves quickly. I don’t have a lot of patience to begin with and I can’t always listen to chatter.

I can’t explain that moment of dark depression that swept over me. Yesterday evening I had to force myself out of the house and run an errand. It was either that, or starve. For a good hour or so, I was committed to the starvation idea, but because it’s been a rough year for me, I pushed through, got my groceries, and came home. If I could have gone someplace last night and actually enjoyed it, I would have, but I knew I would be paying for all the physical activity of the week.

For the first time in a while, I was able to go to bed early and get damn near 10 straight hours of sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was shocked and delighted. I was even more surprised that it wasn’t 2:00 PM, but I always get a bit discombobulated before the Full Moon. Today, I have given myself time, space, permitted myself NOT to work, and have allowed myself to the enjoy the little bits of sweetness that reside with me. My fuzzy girls are happy, healthy, content, and there’s no more hissing. That’s a LOT of progress in such a short period of time, but it makes me feel good.

My Fibromyalgia has been a beast this week, and I pushed it hard. I came home last night with neck and shoulder pain, and my lower back is screaming for relief. Massage is one of the only things that truly helps, so I just might treat myself to one in advance of my birthday later this month. If I’m not good to me, no one else will be either.

So, that’s my little update for the weekend. I hope everyone has been able to enjoy family, friends, and really nice weather. I hope no one else was struck by that darkness that is desperately trying to follow me into this new week. Truth be told, I understand it better than anyone I know, and I am aware of what it is, I’d just much prefer not to allow myself to go there and feed the demons. Absolutely nothing is going to make me its bitch.

I will back back soon with a piece I’ve been working on for a few days, one I hope people will like and appreciate. In the meantime, be good to those you love.

A Good Night’s Sleep

2014-09-242014-09-24 Miss Poison Editing, Finding Your Truth, Growth, Judaism, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Wicca, Writing Editing, Family, Friends, Judaism, Musings, Rosh Hashanah, Spirituality, Sweetness, Tradition, Wicca, Writing

Four solid hours of sleep, edited four pages for a potential client, and just found out a few minutes ago that I have the job. Yay!

Tonight is the start of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year (Believe it or not, I know plenty of people who don’t know this, so that is why I said it.). While not the world’s most observant Jewess, especially when you factor in that I am also Wiccan, the New Year always helps me get spiritually centered for what’s to come.

Life is a fucking battlefield on so many levels, and it is true: Only the strong survive. In this, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be so damn strong. It would be nice to occasionally kick back and let someone else handle the crap. Alas, if you want something done right, you’d better do it yourself.

I won’t be celebrating traditionally or with a house full of family, but I will have two people with me to help me honor my ancestry, and I have friends who will be lighting candles from their end to help me out.

From me to all of you, whether you celebrate or not, may the coming year bring you an abundance of sweetness & serenity. 🙂 L’Shana Tovah!