I Hope To See A Cure

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I’m sitting here plagued by a migraine I wouldn’t wish on a soul, except maybe Hitler, and he was probably soulless, so that puts that concept to rest. Please don’t tell me he was “good to his dogs”. I’ve known some horrible people who were good to a cat or good to their dogs; do NOT use that as a measuring stick by which to judge people as “good” or “bad: It’s inaccurate.

This migraine has been going on for nearly 24 hours and two rounds of medication. Every time I thought it would get better, it managed to get worse. The problem with this type of migraine is that it’s difficult to keep it hydrated, because you know you won’t be able to keep fluids down for long. The pain isn’t just in your head any more either, you can feel it in your entire body. Not because it’s a different type of migraine, but because you’ve been afraid to move around too much since it started. The pain is so sickening, you’d rip your head off your own shoulders to make it stop. You learn from experience that as you go through the process of a lengthy migraine, the less you do, the better off you will be. The fact that it has eaten up nearly a day and a half of my life is not making me happy though. 😦 It plagued me before it even began.

Someone asked me yesterday if I’d go to the emergency room with a headache like this. I’d love to say “I’m going to take a quick shower and go now.”, because it’s THAT bad and I know I need an abortive, but I also know I will sit in a brightly lit ER for 3-6 hours, if not longer, in sunglasses, and that it’s far from quiet there. From the time I go into triage until they discharge me, my blood pressure will go from normal to “If you don’t medicate me right this minute, I will strange you to death with a cord.” That seems dramatic, but if you multiply the worst pain you’ve ever been in times 1000, you’ll be experiencing this particular migraine.

It is hospital policy to check your BP every hour, and when I’m in pain, like many of us, mine shoots up because being around low IQ’s and stupid questions pisses me off. The last two times I had to go to the ER for non-migraine related issues, I was given blood pressure medication and made to sit there until my blood pressure normalized. If the doctor hadn’t agitated me with a false diagnosis before she ran a single test, blood pressure meds wouldn’t have been necessary. I don’t have high blood pressure, thank God, but I do have incredibly low tolerance for bullshit.

The first time I went in this “doctor” ran up a nearly $6800 bill, most of which was for lab work that I’m not even 100% certain I had. The only major thing she did was a chest x-ray. And despite the fact that I could not stop coughing my brains out, she actually hesitated when I asked her to give me something for that cough, as if she wanted to suggest Robitussin. I know people who walk in with coughs far less severe than mine and they’re given cough syrup that helps them fall asleep and suppresses the cough, etc. I was given a prescription for cough perles which I suspect are the equivalent of something slightly stronger than a Ricola. She acted like she was doing me an immense favor. That attitude, when I have a migraine, is not conducive to my getting proper treatment. I do have the choice to go to a different hospital, but it’s five times larger and I shudder to think what that experience may or may not be like. I’m too sick to put myself through it.

Unless an emergency room is trained to handle migraines, you’re not going to be taken seriously. An ER that is prepared has a dark, quiet room that is secluded and they will make sure to follow your doctor’s instructions to the letter. I went in with one years ago. My neurologist specifically stated that he wanted them to give me a shot of Demerol and send me home to rest, that I’d already had a migraine for three days. He’s an on-staff physician there and he spoke with them himself, he verified my treatment plan, one I’d never had to use. Three nurses and a “doctor” were whispering off in a corner that they wouldn’t do it because I was “probably just a junkie looking for a fix”. I was there for genuine medical care and to be treated like that outraged me, thus making the migraine worse. I left without any treatment at all, and I never went back because I felt that what they did was irresponsible.

But back to this migraine: I hope that at some point in my lifetime, I live to see a cure. People love to talk about what works for them, but we’re all individuals and what works for you may not work for me, and vice versa. I’d never denounce a migraine because I know what it’s like to live with them.

Last week someone mentioned Pink Himalayan Salt as a treatment method. They said they put 2-3 granules under their tongue three times a day and have been migraine free because of that. They said that if they felt a migraine coming on, they used a little more salt and drank a full glass of water, but that it “cured” them of the need for preventive medicine and abortive medicine. I found this an extremely odd “treatment method”, but apparently it is a complete salt, full of minerals, elements, and electrolytes. Using it for migraine treatment requires two teaspoons in a glass of water along with half a cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice. This is supposed to stop the migraine in its tracks within ten minutes. I completely forgot to grab this particular item when I shopped last week, but apparently the higher quality the salt, the better the results.

I am going to try it and see if it holds dishwater. In the meantime, I am taking my third round of medication and praying that tomorrow is a healthy, pain-free, productive day. Not just for myself, but for anyone that suffers from an invisible illness and has been mistreated because of it.

P.S. How do I type through a migraine this bad? Slowly. In the dark. In complete silence. The fact that it has rained and will continue to rain helps. There’s a method to my madness.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Zombie Lisa

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I had something great planned, and then insomnia bit and there’s no way I will be able to put the finishing touches on it this morning. Perhaps later or tomorrow. At the moment, I am in desperate need of serious sleep. I am so tired, I’m shaking. 😦

I’ve had four migraines and a couple of minor headaches since going back on Topamax. I increased the dose to 50 mgs a few days ago accidentally. I went to have breakfast one morning and I was running late. I misplaced the pill I’d set aside, and ended up taking two without realizing it. However, once I’d done it I decided it was probably safe to keep doing, though I’m afraid to move to 75 mgs any time soon. I am not 1000% certain it’s the medication because this has never happened to me before. It could be any number of things, but I highly suspect this medication is turning me into a crazy bitch. I don’t say this lightly and if anyone else ever said it I’d knock their teeth out because there’s nothing funny about it. (I have since added three different apps to my phone because these pills are tiny and you never know when you’re going to need a reminder. It takes a split second to drop one and think you’ve taken it.)

It could be stress, hormones, not sleeping well, a combination of all three, or it could be a side effect of the medication. It DOES make me really sick if I go past 125 mgs, so I just asked Case Study One if I’ve been crazier/bitchier than usual. I’m pretty sure he told me to wash my face, brush my teeth, and go the fuck to bed. Truth is, I know he was avoiding answering the question. I’m not sure why men think valid health questions are “tricks”.

The physical pain is still a constant. I have my good days and my bad days. This will always be true. I spent several hours researching some new pain treatments yesterday and I will be going over them with the next doctor I see, which will hopefully be soon. When I actually look forward to seeing a doctor, it’s safe to say that hell has frozen over and become a ski resort. Take blood, run tests, and write me out all the necessary prescriptions. All I care about is feeling better.

All bets are off if the doctor says one insulting, mean-spirited, unnecessary word. I have Fibromyalgia, I’m not in your office for heroin.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Irritability Isn’t Cute

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I HURT. There’s no getting around that. After nearly two straight weeks where I haven’t missed a single dose of Topamax, a migraine broke through last night. I was waiting for it. I expected it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as a migraine without a preventive in my system, but after almost two weeks with just an occasional mild headache, it was still an awful lot of pain during a time when the rest of my body was flaring up something fierce. It was only made worse by the fact that I couldn’t sleep.

This morning I decided not to punish the medication. It didn’t fail me, there will always be migraines that break through, so I took my dose, managed a little water, made a quick phone call, and now I am sitting here waiting for that call to be returned. I have documents to proof for printing later today and honestly, I am OUT after that. Just put my whiny, bitchy ass to bed and leave me here until my attitude improves. No one ever said irritability is cute, but when you can hear yourself sound utterly miserable, all you want to do is duct tape your mouth shut. Or maybe that’s just me?

Update on Maggie: This poor dog is STILL being mistreated. Apparently her paperwork checked out and the father backed off, but my next door neighbor (the husband) is expecting to be sued over the dog bite. He never added the dog to his insurance when they agreed to take the dog on temporarily for six months. His wife’s son is across the country doing some sort of mandatory USMC training and left the dog with his mother. I’m not sure if he’s ever MET his mother, but last night, while I was trying to do I don’t even remember what in silence, all I could hear was her screaming “Maggie, NO!” at the top of her lungs. I was already sick, or I would have gone outside and said “Hey bitch! What the fuck is this poor dog doing that is worth yelling at her for? Have you ever heard of a dog trainer? Perhaps they can take you for a few weeks and train you how to behave. All the dog ever does is bark and run away from you. That should tell you everything you need to know.” Alas, I was stopped because someone (not me) thought that was “a bit harsh”. I truly don’t think it could be harsh enough. Yelling and screaming at an animal is tantamount to abuse. Surely there are other family members that could take her and care for her until November/December. If you love an animal, you don’t leave it behind with an insane person. You also don’t name it like it’s a person, but hey, to each their own. People do tend to do that with dogs.

Animals don’t understand or respond to yelling. It is simply traumatic for them. I’ve seen animals run and hide if a person is simply speaking loudly, not even yelling, so some animals are more traumatized than other from being in a shelter, foster situation, from being re-homed, etc. Much like people, animals have triggers too and it is important to pay attention and be able to identify them.

In this, animals are a lot less dramatic and wishy-washy than people are. They either love you or they don’t, but once they do, they are with you ’til the end. Animals understand loyalty far better than people do.

When I come back in my next life, I am coming back as a cat.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Tuesday Blues

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Normally I love Tuesdays, but today I woke up in pain. Granted, I didn’t go to bed last night feeling as though I could run a marathon, but this pain is different. In turn, it’s making me irritable beyond words. I am so bitchy, I can’t stand the sound of my own thoughts. 😦

I worked yesterday and didn’t stab anyone . I read, I did a load of laundry, I did research, and out of the corner of my eye I watched cat and kitten eat, play, fight, and sleep like the dead. I wish I could sleep as soundly and as peacefully as they do. Alas, I have two little creatures that walk on me, screech, meow, and act like uncivilized beasts. The very same creatures that take over my bed each day after kicking me out of it. To add insult to injury, I was holding kitten yesterday morning. She got scared by nothing at all (I have no idea what her problem is any more!) and ripped my arm open. This happened twice. I am sporting a hideously raised scratch on the inside of my left forearm that took a while to stop bleeding. The other moment (which was last night) was less bloody and is near my right wrist. I moved quicker in letting her go, so that scratch didn’t bleed and isn’t deep. I’d post photos of my wounds, but trust me, you don’t want to see this shit. Thankfully she’s an indoor cat and I don’t have to worry about either scratch (mostly the big one) becoming infected.

Someone else’s cat once bit me, albeit playfully while sprawled on my lap. and she embarrassingly said “Your cats have never bitten anyone?” She was shocked when I said “No.” I’d be mortified if cat or kitten ever hurt someone. It’s okay if they interact with me and the people they know, but it’s not okay for them to bite or scratch a stranger. That’s like letting your child walk up to a stranger and bite them. It’s inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. I don’t know anyone who’d allow that. No one civilized, any way.

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Yes, please send sugar! Kimberley’s Cupcakes. Lemon Ice, Triple Chocolate, and Strawberry. I’m addicted.

So, back to my insane, bitchy thoughts…

I’m self-abusing. Mentally and emotionally cutting. Nothing dulls the shit that goes through my head. I distract myself with e-mailing friends, reading, partially listening to TV when I’m in the same room with it (“Oh, it’s over? Did an hour really just pass while I played Candy Crush Saga?”), extensively researching my impending career change, and starting and pausing my Pandora playlists. I strongly suspect I’m listening to the same songs on a loop. I keep skipping tracks and/or pressing thumbs down on others. No song needs to play four times in 30 minutes unless you have it on repeat. Ooh, Maroon 5.

Five days into the Topamax and the only issue I have is that I can no longer drink anything carbonated. I’ve switched over to iced tea and plan on moving back to tea and lemonade for a while because  eventually the side effect goes away at about the six month mark. I’ve had mild headaches, but no migraines. I’m ravenous in the mornings because I MUST take this medicine before 10:00 a.m. Any later and I won’t sleep at night, but I’m positively grouchy later in the day. Other people report drowsiness if they take it during the day, but I can’t take it before bed or I won’t sleep, so I take it in the morning. Admittedly, not first thing. Cat and kitten tried waking me at 4:00, 5:00, and 6:30. By 7:30 I decided I was willing to go downstairs and feed them. Only one of them deigned to eat her food (Kitten will eat anytime, anywhere, and will eat pretty much anything.). Cat went and hid. I found her sleeping in my bed later on and she’s been here ever since. It’s a good thing I went downstairs though because, in my infinite “It feels kind of warm” wisdom, I discovered that my thermostat is acting up. No one sane would EVER put their thermostat on 99 degrees. I wouldn’t even do that during the winter if it was minus 20. I set it to 64 degrees and I leave it there. Twice in two days it has A) Turned itself off completely or B) Changed the temperature on its own. Yes, this house is haunted. For the record, it wasn’t haunted when I got here. The spirits came with me.

As this day comes to a close and begins to darken ever so slightly, I hope it carries the blues away with it. Absolutely no one needs to carries such crap around inside their soul. Hopefully I will be more positive in the days to come.

Have a good night one and all. 🙂

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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This Week Is Over

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I’ve had yet another rough, stressful week. I am emotionally exhausted. I’m also in pain that no one should have to be in. In an ideal world, I’d be able to curl up this weekend and not have to face anything until next weekend. No, I’m not delusional, I’ve just had enough.

I am sitting here nursing green tea. I don’t feel well. I woke up with a myriad of health issues. I went to bed in pain, needing Aleve to fall asleep in a state of slightly less pain, but since I forgot to take the medicine that protects my stomach from NSAID use, I’m paying for it.

Upon inspection this morning, I found two chemical burns on the back of my neck. I’m not 100% certain of the cause, but I have my suspicions. One stings, the other is seemingly in the healing phase. I hope they’ll look better tomorrow because the last thing I want to do is be seen in public with what looks like brand marks. Note to self: Must find Aquaphor. How do you cover the back of your neck in August when your hair isn’t as long as it used to be and you normally wear it up? #GirlProblems

Due to the crazy influx of migraines over the last few weeks, I began taking Topamax this morning. I’ve been off of it for three years, so I am hoping it will help prevent some of what I am experiencing. If not, I will have at least made an effort and will know that another treatment method must be found. It is better to try than to dismiss something that has worked so well for me in the past. Today is the start of a month on 25 mgs. Here’s hoping it does more than make carbonated drinks taste funny.

Was anyone able to see the meteor shower? I looked for about 30 minutes last night and all I saw were a few constellations. I couldn’t keep looking, so I went to bed. I’m betting all the fun started the second my head hit the pillow. I’ve only seen a few photos from earlier in the week.

I hope I will be able to concentrate on the shit I need to do over the next few days. I want to get as much work done as humanly possible. I haven’t been able to focus on a large page count with any regularity, but I am certainly trying. All one can do is their best. If that’s not good enough for someone, tough shit.

Summer is nearly over, and soon it will be Fall in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s my favorite time of year. The nights are already getting a bit cooler, but there’s something about the crispness of October air that rejuvenates my spirit.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 

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