Days On The Ledge

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I’m not a good actor, ask anyone who truly knows me. I don’t excel at faking things with bullshit, smiles, and pretend laughter in an attempt to project that “Everything’s great.” When people try that with me, I wonder what they’re trying to prove by lying.

This morning, I was on that ledge. I’m not off of it, and I might never be. Everything in me was trying to push forward and plan my day, which had been planned for weeks, but my body was screaming at me to stay put. My best friend talked me down and reminded me that it’s okay to cancel if I don’t feel I can do something. So after hoping medication would help (it didn’t), I made four calls and cancelled my appointments. Part of me felt immense guilt (I rarely cancel on anyone. Especially last minute. It’s even more rare for me to cancel a medical appointment, or in this case, two.), but another part felt calmer. I’m still NOT okay. I just know that when I feel immense dread, I have to listen to my body and my intuition. Whatever Higher Power intervened on my behalf today, despite making me feel like a basket case, did the right thing. If pushing makes you question your safety, LISTEN. My intuition is NEVER wrong. It has kept me alive during natural disasters, and one unexplained disaster. You can be strong and smart, and still say, “Not today.”

These next few days, I’m going to try to be calm and focus on me. I need the break. I need quality sleep and to not be in physical or mental agony. It’s OKAY to not be okay. I lead by example. You should try it.

#MentalHealthMatters #EndTheStigma #Depression #Anxiety #Intuition#RetrainYourBrain #TalkAboutIt

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My Body

“My body thinks something is gravely wrong, but my brain doesn’t have a clue what to do about it, so it starts racing to the worst possible conclusions.” –Unknown

I’ve been sitting here for a few hours now, trying to talk myself down from a horrible panic attack. I even took something to try and nip it in the bud, but thus far, it’s not helping. I detest being stressed out like this, to the point where the anxiety overtakes everything. Someone told me last night that something is triggering it. I immediately figured out what one of my triggers is, and I’m NOT okay with it. I hate being lying to. I hate people breaking their promises to me, and I hate feeling like this.

If you really love and care about someone, you don’t go out of your way to hurt them. I legitimately want to sit and cry. Here’s hoping the feeling passes.