Writer Struggles: Part One

2014-11-182014-11-18 Miss Poison Being Real, Family, Fiction, Friends, Honesty, Non-Fiction, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Thought-Provoking, Thoughts, Writers, Writing Death, Family, Fiction, Friends, Grief, Honesty, I Make No Apologies, Life, Non-Fiction, People, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Sports, Thought-Provoking, Thoughts, Women's Issues, Writer Struggles, Writers, Writing

One of the things I struggle with as a writer is friends and family reading my work. If it’s fiction, they really don’t spend a lot of time reading personal things into it, but when it’s on a platform like this? UGH!

I cannot tell you how many times I have received e-mails, text messages, or phone calls that goes something like this: A- “Is this about me?”, with an attached link to something I’ve written. (It might be, but unless I’ve named names, you might not want to assume so much self-importance. Did you really print it so you could read it back to me?! Seriously?!!?) B- “Are you angry with me?” (Do I seem like the shy type?) C- “I don’t understand why you would write this…” (That’s why I’m a writer and you aren’t.) The best part is when they write to “advise me” on a situation I have written about that really doesn’t require a response. Unless I specifically ask for advice, chances are, I’m doing just fine with the thoughts in my head and don’t need mixed messages, but thanks for thinking of me. It is frustrating, to say the least.

I think the most profound thing anyone can say to me, which happened this past weekend, is “I am so proud of you.” For someone to acknowledge how I have grown in my talent and how I am not hesitant to tackle difficult subjects that make other people uncomfortable is something I value and respect. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it is sincerely appreciated. (Hugs Aunt L.)

I generalize a lot of what I write because too many people assume it’s about them, when the truth is, it could be about anyone in the world. Most of the time someone will stumble upon something I have written, leave a comment about their own experiences on the subject, I will respond in kind, and dialogue is born. It’s one of the reasons you write; To have other people read your work, understand it, relate to it, remember it, share it, etc. It’s not meant for me to throw random shit at anyone, it’s meant to be thought-provoking, and often times it is therapeutic, as the writer, for me to write things out of my system. If I didn’t, I’d have murdered someone by now. So thank you Mom, for realizing I was a writer and encouraging me to be what I am today. It is far better than what I ever imagined it could be. I wish you were here for all of this, because I think now, I understand what your vision for me really was.

For most of my years as a writer, I covered facts, life, death, grief, women’s issues, and sports. That’s what makes up the majority of my portfolio. I can revert back to any of those things on a dime, and tackle a subject quite competently. I do go out of my comfort zone at times to really challenge myself, but I also know what I’m good at. There is a way, no matter what genre you write in, to still adhere to your values and be yourself.

I would rather be myself and not make any apologies for it, than be spoon-feeding my readers bullshit on gilt plates. But hey, that’s me, and I refuse to apologize for doing something that is not wrong.

Retailers Should Really Be Ashamed Of Themselves

2014-11-15 Miss Poison Chanukah, Christmas, Generosity, Gifts, Health, Honesty, Musings, People, Poison In Lethal Doses, Retailers, Shopping, Thanksgiving, Unfiltered, Writing, Yule America, Chanukah, Christmas, eBay, Etsy, Family, Friends, Gift-Giving, Health, Heart, Holidays, Honesty, Musings, Poison In Lethal Doses, Retailers, Shopping, Thanksgiving, Writing, Yule

Retailers Should Really Be Ashamed Of Themselves

October hadn’t even ended and the few stores I walked into were full of Christmas trees, decorations, candy, and “special, early shopper prices”. I hate this time of year.

I don’t do Christmas. You will not find green & red anywhere in my home and you most certainly will not see a tree, lights, tinsel, et al. I won’t even “celebrate” it at someone else’s home. I celebrate Chanukah (Kuddos to Target for the most awesome Chanukah decor. I could easily have bought all of it, it was truly beautiful stuff. The nicest I have seen in years.) & Yule. Chanukah is centered around family, treats, sweets, and the miracle of oil lasting for eight nights, instead of one. If you don’t know the story of the Maccabees, Google it. I can probably look forward to a box of much wanted books, but I do not expect anything else on the gift front.

Yule is the Winter Solstice. It’s also the day I buried my father, so it’s hard on me. The two holidays coincide this year, but because I’m having an especially rough year I am not doing gifts for anyone, including myself. This has been my commandment of the past two years: Don’t spend money on anything extra that is not truly necessary. I’ve done well.

Every retail outlet in America will have you believing you need new EVERYTHING, and that you need it all RIGHT THIS SECOND. Between TV’s, computers, cell phones, tablets, and a plethora of other gadgets, billions of dollars will inevitably be spent no matter what. I know way too many people who spend thousands of dollars they don’t have on gifts for everyone and their Great-Uncle, and they don’t even like 9/4’s of the people they’re giving gifts to, they simply feel obligated. When their credit card statements arrive in January, they are filled with shame, remorse, and the simple fact that they are now seriously in debt, and for what?!

I’m more of a gift card kind of gal. I like choosing my own gifts, unless you’re going to Sephora, in which case, you can’t go wrong on anything (I’m joking, sort of.), but when it comes to giving, I like to do something for a person that they probably wouldn’t do for themselves. I don’t ever put a price tag on my best friends, God-daughter, or my Aunt. With my brother, I do have to limit him into a reasonable category because he always asks me for insane things. I don’t remember what I got him last year, but I do know he got exactly what he wanted/asked for, and that I spent next to nothing because I found both items on eBay for a steal. It DOES pay to shop around for the best price.

I really enjoy the quality and uniqueness of gifts on Etsy. I have bought everything from hand-crafted jewelry, sugar scrubs, and laptop cases, all the way to homemade fudge & plants for my Aunt’s garden, and pretty much everything has been great. Several pieces of jewelry were for me, and I wear them religiously. I bought an amazing leather wallet one year, and I love it to pieces. It’s got a great rock ‘n’ roll edge to it that makes it so unique looking. I’m not the least bit embarrassed to pull it out of my purse. I highly recommend doing a very thorough search of that site if you want items that are unique and affordable. Most people are taking orders now in advance of the holidays to guarantee timely delivery, and I understand that because they’re one person businesses. That’s different.

Retailers are disgustingly greedy, and yes, people need their retail jobs, I respect that, but none of us need to go running to any of those stores on Thanksgiving Day and be taken away from our families/friends. The employees themselves should also be home with their families, not running to work the very same night to “prep the store” for a pre-Black Friday opening. It gets worse every year, and it makes me sick.

This year I’ve decided to buy of all my normal stuff in advance at Walmart. Basically, that means all of my paper products, garbage bags, and 8 bags of cat litter. This will help me avoid anything there, short of the pharmacy, during all the crazy madness.

If you’re giving gifts this year, give from your heart. I’d rather receive something a person has made (craft stores are AWESOME!) than an after-thought they grabbed while trying to trample over 20 other people. The only thing I asked for this year is a scarf. I do have a nice one that (sort of) matches my coat, but I’d like something in grey. I’m allergic to wool, so this should be a fun little search in an attempt to not get sick this Winter. Perhaps I will even find a matching hat. However, the only thing I truly WANT is my health (and prosperity).

Nothing on this planet is more important than one’s health. Without it, you cannot do any of the things you want to do, should do, or need to do. Without it, you forever feel like you’re living on borrowed time. There’s nothing inside any retail store that can restore it, so consider this closely.

I know a lot of people forgo their regular “diets” during the holidays because they want to enjoy everything offered to them. There’s a reason the word “die” is in “diet”. I’m a firm believer in balance. I’m also not subjected to countless gatherings and parties, so “holiday weight” is not an issue for me. January is not my “It’s time to get back to the gym.” resolution, which most people only manage to keep up with for a few weeks, or a month, tops. I do consider which vitamins I should be taking, if there’s anything new that might physically increase my health and resistance to illness, and I try to make small changes that can make meals healthier and tastier, but all in all, I don’t obsess much. The past two years have shown me that the simplest things can be the most delicious things, and that it’s perfectly okay to have the 2nd cupcake.

So, while retailers throw everything and the kitchen sink at you in order to get you into their stores right away, consider yourself, your families, your budgets, and make a stand in advance. If you started early, good for you. If you’re strictly doing Cyber Monday, you’re probably better off. If you’re hitting the stores to chase down bargains, do so carefully and safely, and make sure you keep all your receipts, just in case.

Personally, I’m going to be un-subscribing from every single retailer that sends me an early shopping e-mail starting today. I’m utterly sick of the bullshit, but hey, that’s me. We’re all entitled to how we feel in regards to all of this meshugas. (If you don’t know what that means, Google it. Yes, that’s one of the languages I speak.)

The Darkness Follows

2014-10-05 Miss Poison Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Uncategorized, Writing Beauty, Butterflies, Darkness, Depression, Family, Fibromyalgia, Honesty, Judaism, Pain, Poison In Lethal Doses, Tradition, Writing, Yom Kippur

Hello everyone! Before I say more, I’d like to take a moment to welcome all the newcomers that have hopped on board in the last week or so, and especially anyone that has taken the time to read and comment. It’s been absolutely lovely to see. 🙂

I don’t know if everyone experiences moments of deep, dark holiday related depression, but mine came out of nowhere yesterday afternoon. I had just finished reading a book in my attempt to keep fasting and distract myself, but I was suddenly hit with a blast that made me get back into bed for a few minutes, smack dab at 3:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve never spoken about it here, but I lost both of my parents a little over six years ago. I jokingly refer to myself as an orphan, but the truth is, I honestly feel like one. The few close family members I have, outside of my brother, are too far away to go and see for the holidays, or even just for the weekend. I don’t have the energy for 2-3 days trips, I like to be “away-away”, for a good 10 days, usually taking a flight home in the evening so I get to stay put a little bit longer before having to return to the daily grind. The rest of my family? If I could be paid for their level of abandonment, disrespect, rudeness, ignorance, and everything else they lack as “people”, and I use that word so loosely they should be able to hang themselves with it, then I’d be walking around in Iron Man suits, all made out of platinum. I wish that were an exaggeration. It isn’t. I am embarrassed to share bloodlines with these people. I hope none of them ever need a bodily organ where I am the sole match because I wouldn’t be able to do it. It’s very easy for me to be a good person, but if you’ve treated me like I am less than you are do to some misguided idea in your head, or you’ve blatantly disrespected me, simply for existing, then it is very easy for me to say “Fuck You”. When people push you to the point where you feel complete and utter anger, even after trying to work through that, and you’ve lost the ability to care, for me, that’s the end. I don’t care if I ever see any of them again, because that would actually be too soon for me to be nice.

Not having close friends or family nearby sucks. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me, but yesterday, I would have given ANYTHING to be at my Grandmother’s table to break fast in our family’s traditional way. Alas, I had my brother, but I’m a step away from selling him to a country of my choosing. I love my brother, but he gets on my nerves quickly. I don’t have a lot of patience to begin with and I can’t always listen to chatter.

I can’t explain that moment of dark depression that swept over me. Yesterday evening I had to force myself out of the house and run an errand. It was either that, or starve. For a good hour or so, I was committed to the starvation idea, but because it’s been a rough year for me, I pushed through, got my groceries, and came home. If I could have gone someplace last night and actually enjoyed it, I would have, but I knew I would be paying for all the physical activity of the week.

For the first time in a while, I was able to go to bed early and get damn near 10 straight hours of sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was shocked and delighted. I was even more surprised that it wasn’t 2:00 PM, but I always get a bit discombobulated before the Full Moon. Today, I have given myself time, space, permitted myself NOT to work, and have allowed myself to the enjoy the little bits of sweetness that reside with me. My fuzzy girls are happy, healthy, content, and there’s no more hissing. That’s a LOT of progress in such a short period of time, but it makes me feel good.

My Fibromyalgia has been a beast this week, and I pushed it hard. I came home last night with neck and shoulder pain, and my lower back is screaming for relief. Massage is one of the only things that truly helps, so I just might treat myself to one in advance of my birthday later this month. If I’m not good to me, no one else will be either.

So, that’s my little update for the weekend. I hope everyone has been able to enjoy family, friends, and really nice weather. I hope no one else was struck by that darkness that is desperately trying to follow me into this new week. Truth be told, I understand it better than anyone I know, and I am aware of what it is, I’d just much prefer not to allow myself to go there and feed the demons. Absolutely nothing is going to make me its bitch.

I will back back soon with a piece I’ve been working on for a few days, one I hope people will like and appreciate. In the meantime, be good to those you love.

A Good Night’s Sleep

2014-09-242014-09-24 Miss Poison Editing, Finding Your Truth, Growth, Judaism, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Wicca, Writing Editing, Family, Friends, Judaism, Musings, Rosh Hashanah, Spirituality, Sweetness, Tradition, Wicca, Writing

Four solid hours of sleep, edited four pages for a potential client, and just found out a few minutes ago that I have the job. Yay!

Tonight is the start of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year (Believe it or not, I know plenty of people who don’t know this, so that is why I said it.). While not the world’s most observant Jewess, especially when you factor in that I am also Wiccan, the New Year always helps me get spiritually centered for what’s to come.

Life is a fucking battlefield on so many levels, and it is true: Only the strong survive. In this, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be so damn strong. It would be nice to occasionally kick back and let someone else handle the crap. Alas, if you want something done right, you’d better do it yourself.

I won’t be celebrating traditionally or with a house full of family, but I will have two people with me to help me honor my ancestry, and I have friends who will be lighting candles from their end to help me out.

From me to all of you, whether you celebrate or not, may the coming year bring you an abundance of sweetness & serenity. 🙂 L’Shana Tovah!

World Suicide Prevention Day

Image 2014-09-10 Miss Poison Honesty, People Helping People, Suicide Family, Friends, Honesty, September 10th 2014, Suicide, Support Loved Ones, World Suicide Prevention Day

I have lost many people to suicide. Dear friends & family members. My family, my brother (who lost a best friend to suicide 9 years ago this month), and one of my best friends has also been affected by this. I very nearly lost my own life as well. I have no idea what pulled me back, I still don’t, and I’d be lying if I said those thoughts and feelings ever went away. Today, support someone that needs it. Moreover, support someone that needs it EVERY DAY.