I’ve been struggling with this a bit. Mostly with who I am now, and how I identify. I don’t feel women talk enough about how much we struggle mentally with different issues pertaining to how we relate and focus, or even how we challenge societal norms. I wish all of us were courageous enough to do so.
Hello everyone! I hope you’re all doing well. I’m not going to lie; today was a rough one. 😦
I made an appointment sometime last month to meet with a spine specialist (read: anesthesiologist). My new doctor had asked me to meet with the in-house substance abuse doctor as well, so she could prescribe the one controlled substance I take, until I find a new doctor who would then take the prescribing duties on full-time. She said “You only have to meet her once.” I don’t know what my face looked like when she dropped that bombshell on me, but she tried to reassure me that this is merely procedure. I was okay with that. However, after today I can tell you that once was ENOUGH. I physically had to keep myself in my seat, choose my words carefully, and fight my own body so I wouldn’t lean over her desk and punch her in the face. Yeah, it was one of THOSE days. I am going to be seeing red for a while.
My day started out stressful. I didn’t get a lot of sleep, and I’d fasted for blood work, so I was functioning on next to nothing. No amount of water makes up for the fact that you feel weak and dizzy by the time you get to the lab, because at that point it had been well over twelve hours and if I don’t eat, I will inevitably get a migraine.
I arrived at my first appointment of the day; the spine specialist. I’d read his reviews in advance and was very mixed going into this appointment, but decided to keep an open mind and hear him out. I am happy to report that he was one of the nicest doctors I’ve ever met. How often do I say that? Almost never.
He took notes, did a physical examination of my spine, was very careful with my neck because the range of motion is poor, and he agreed that I definitely have weakness on the left side of my body. Before he made any decisions he turned to me and said “Do you WANT an MRI?” He told me “I will never order a test or force a treatment on you that you don’t agree with.” I thought my jaw might hit the floor from the kind, respectful treatment, but I remained in check. We agreed on the MRI, and he even ordered an open MRI so I won’t have to deal with any potential claustrophobia, which I experienced during my last few MRIs. Generally, I am not claustrophobic at all, but I felt he should know about it, just in case. He then said “Go when you’re ready, they’ll send me the results, and we’ll follow-up then.” Non-aggressive, highly respectful, and extremely laid back. I walked out and said “The doctor was LOVELY.” I don’t usually say things like that, but in this case, it was true.
We did talk about injections, which I am against, and he said “There might be some medications we could try again at different doses.” and he even said he might refer me out, depending on the results of the updated MRI. He doesn’t think an epidural in my neck would help with the pain that travels down my spine, into my left arm and leg. He believes they are two separate issues, but is wondering if I have a narrowing of my spine, which is highly possible. I remember my mother having it, but I shouldn’t have it this young. He looked at my x-ray results and explained that where the technician said, in the reports, that I had a muscle spasm or a shadow in my spine in two different areas, it was likely just my body’s natural response to being in so much pain for so long. He said it was probably residual tension, as opposed to an actual spasm. I inquired about a steroid pack, because so many people have suggested this to me, and he said he doesn’t think they would help because I’ve suffered for so long, or he would have prescribed it immediately.
I left his office feeling positive, mostly because the appointment went well and I was treated like a human-being, which is always a shock. Because I had a little less than two hours to kill in between appointments, I went downstairs to the lab. That took longer than my consult with the doctor, but I was already there and it wasn’t that big a deal. Four vials of blood and I was out of there. Most of the tests are similar to what I had done last May, except this time, my doctor will be calling me with the results because she actually gives a damn about her patients. I am concerned about one of the tests, but here’s hoping it’s normal. I will say the lab tech did a great job, because I don’t have a bruise the size of my hand on my left forearm. I still bruised right away, but it’s small enough that I’m not concerned. I’ll use some Arnica on it until it heals. The last one took a long time to heal and it was hideous.
When the “substance abuse” doctor was ready to see me, I immediately knew where things were headed. Doctors really ought to be more careful with their approach to patients they’ve never met and do not know. One day, behavior like hers will result in someone taking action. That may seem sad, but it’s the truth. I am not going to sugar-coat this woman’s behavior.
I was drug-tested for the first time in my life, and told to leave the test in a public restroom. Yeah, because that seems smart! I was outraged by this. As anyone who has ever had a urinalysis knows, those things are not sealed. Anyone could have gone into that bathroom after me and done G-d knows what with the test. This is a test that they bill approximately $1100-$1700 to the insurance company for, which is INSANE because you can buy them over-the-counter at Walgreens. Because I had fasted for the lab work, and had already gone to the bathroom ahead of seeing her, there wasn’t much for her to work with, providing they don’t call me tomorrow to tell me my test is missing or needs to be redone. Downstairs, in the lab, they had to call a woman who’d been there earlier in the morning to say she needed to come back and have hers redone. The entire office heard this phone call, there was nothing private about this person’s medical information, and that’s a blatant violation. Whatever did or didn’t happen with her test is an epic screw-up from where I’m sitting. If they fucked up mine, I REFUSE to go back there for a drug test. They can bite me. I’m surprised she didn’t also ask for a cheek swab, a hair sample, and DNA. DO NOT read this and say “Lisa, she’s just doing her job.” There is a correct way to do this job, and that does not involve making law-abiding citizens feel like they’re doing something wrong by following a doctor’s instructions where a prescription is concerned.
When I returned to her office, she had no idea why I was there, asked if we’d met before, couldn’t find my file, and then proceeded with a list of questions my own mother (G-d Rest and Bless Her Soul) would not have asked me in a million years.
I was asked approximately six times if I use marijuana or cocaine. I’m sitting there trying not to roll my eyes as I give her the same answer each time; NO. Is this person forgetful or fucking testing me? I don’t care, because the answer is no, and the drug test will prove it.
To my face I was, once again, told I was an addict. I’m not, and because I have known addicts and been around addiction, I do know the difference. I can spot it in other people. I have responsibly taken medication that I assure you, is the ONLY reason I did not knock this bitch out. That and learning how to rein my temper in slowly.
It’s one thing to be doing your job with the questions, that’s fine, but it’s a whole other ballgame when you ask me to relive the worst trauma of my life because you don’t understand why I have a specific diagnosis (to which I nearly said “Talk to the fucking treating physician! Don’t repeat that question again.”), repeatedly ask the same fucking questions as if the answer is suddenly going to change, and demand to know where my doctor’s notes are. I cannot see what you’re looking at behind the desk/computer, so my answer was very nearly “Beats the shit out of me!” Instead I said “I can’t access them, either. Your guess is as good as mine. Would you like his phone number?” When I give someone professional, cold answers, it is a WARNING. Apparently, this woman did not see the red fucking flag waved in front of her face, and kept pushing.
“Do you drink coffee?” she suddenly asks me. I live a mostly caffeine-free life because of my migraines, but for the past few weeks I have been drinking coffee at all hours. Maybe a cup a day, sometimes two, but I’m not sucking down gallons of the stuff. She should take the psychoanalysis to the local Starbucks, because rest assured, caffeine is not an “addiction” for me. It’s something I’m drinking because I like the taste. I don’t have it behind me in an IV.
“Do you smoke?” No. “Do you drink alcohol?” No. “Is there a reason you don’t drink alcohol?” Mind you, the spine specialist asked me these questions earlier in the day, except when I replied no, each time, he said “That’s great.” and only when I said I don’t drink did he ask if there was a specific reason for that, and quickly asked if I was pregnant. Light, calm tone, no rudeness or insinuations. Not from her, though. She’s a first class bitch, in all caps.
She aggressively pushed every last button I had, until I thought about the one person on this planet who keeps me calm and grounded, and I told myself “This office is small and you could strangle her and/or rip her fucking throat out in less than thirty seconds, but it’s not worth it. Let it go.” When you’re fighting with your internal dialogue, it’s not always a good thing. My creative process on murder astounds me. I’m only half-kidding, but no one needs to worry.
I had already answered her questions regarding my diagnosis of Complex-PTSD and where it potentially stems from, so when she asked where my parents lived, that was IT. I knew she was intentionally trying to break me, because she desperately wanted to know if I am an addict. She has reached the point where she cannot tell the difference between a patient and an addict, two very different beasts. I should have informed her that there is an immense difference between patients and addicts, and that I don’t appreciate her aggressive behavior, but I knew she would go back to my doctor and say I was a combative addict, or whatever she chooses to say in order to appease herself.
When she told me it wouldn’t take 2-3 years for me to be taken off this medication, I nearly laughed in her face. My doctor told me it WOULD take 2-3 years to safely take me off of this medication in order to put me on something else, something safer. He was concerned about seizures and other side effects that I have only been made aware of in the past four or five years, and he felt that I wasn’t ready to begin tapering because of all that I am going through, both health-wise and emotionally. He’s right, and I stand by what he said to me. Here she is though, suddenly telling me I can be detoxed off of this quickly (NOT true. Yanking me off this medication could kill me, and it does kill people when it’s not done properly.) and that forty or fifty years from now, this medication MIGHT cause dementia. I wanted to say “I probably won’t live that long and quite frankly, I am NOT going to worry about what ‘could cause dementia or ‘might cause dementia’. Are you SURE you went to medical school?” I know people who take medication to improve their quality of life and that’s all this medication does for me, albeit not that well any more. From a medical perspective, it IS a high dose, but I’ve always been responsible with how I take it.
In June, my doctor asked me to start taking smaller doses, whenever possible, and I have done that. I am two months behind on my prescription and I still have enough medication for a few weeks. Instead of seeing this as a responsible thing, which is exactly what it is, this bitch took issue with that because she cannot understand what he said to me, because she can’t find his notes, and why I am being responsible and discerning with it. This didn’t sit right with her majesty.
She finally told me she will talk to my doctors and “figure something out”. She had about a hundred case files on her desk and as she desperately searched for mine, there wasn’t one. I suspect it’s because I am NOT a red flag to my doctor, who was a sweetheart to me and said she has no problem prescribing it, so long as this other doctor approves me. I don’t know if she will.
When I got home, I had to contact one of my doctors who she said she wanted to speak to. She does not have authorization to do so, because I didn’t sign a consent form, but I wanted this doctor to know, just in case. I didn’t want her to be side-swiped by this woman. She is the physical embodiment of a drive-by shooting, with all the subtly.
When she complained about the doctor who left, and not having his notes and diagnoses, I told her “This is where he works now. I’m sure you can find him.” She suddenly decided I need a “case manager” to get me in to see someone. Here’s a fact; I am NOT special. There is a LONG waiting list to be seen by so many specialists, and no one is going to move me up the list “just because”. I called before Thanksgiving to get an appointment with a migraine specialist and just last week, they told me I could be seen…at the end of May. I’m lucky they didn’t say “in 2019” after they said May. So, despite it being something I’d normally bitch about, I simply took the appointment and the receptionist promised she’d call me if there were any cancellations so I could get in sooner, after apologizing for twenty minutes because no one ever returned my call. The doctor has a five star rating which is the highest you can give a doctor, so I hope she’ll be able to help me.
Chronic pain patients put up with a LOT of crap. For me, this was unnecessary drama that raised my blood pressure to the point of a migraine. The sad thing is, I would have received more kindness, compassion, and far better treatment if I had walked in with track marks and an active addiction that was visible. Instead, I walked in with flawless makeup (It’s force of habit, I’m not trying to impress any one.), dressed like a normal person, and once again, I was judged for that. It’s NOT acceptable and it’s NOT okay.
When I told a family member that I wanted to talk to my primary care doctor about how this woman treated me, I received a lecture about how it’s “her job to ask questions like that, it’s all a form”. Yes, it’s her job to determine who is an addict and who is not, but no matter what I did, this woman was determined to find fault with me. I was waiting for Homeland Security to be on hand as I left for a fucking cavity search! I’ve never had anyone tell me, after a medical appointment, to “Just leave, go out.” I wouldn’t talk to a dog like that!
I don’t want to live in a society where patients are treated like dirt for taking necessary prescription medication, which means they’re smart enough to know something is wrong and seek treatment for whatever ails them, and addicts are being accommodated for choosing to use street drugs. The message this sends to patients is a horrible one, indeed. If I didn’t suffer terribly every single day of my life, I would throw all the prescriptions I have in the trash. We ALL would. Pharmaceutical companies would be out of business, or would have to look for other ways to make money. What would happen to pharmacies if, suddenly, we were all healthy? It’s an amazing idea, for a dystopian novel. In the real world, illness exists. No one asks for it.
When a doctor is annoyed because you don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs of any kind, that is your sign that something is wrong with them. It’s not you. Every other doctor I’ve met has noted those things as positive. Not her, because she is determined that everyone she meets is an addict of some kind. As she judgmentally sips her tea.
To make sure it wasn’t my imagination, I went and read her reviews. She has a one and a half star rating, which is basically unheard of, but I am glad I saw it because it validated me. The review that is posted, before my own, states that “She should have her medical license revoked because she is a real piece of shit.”, and that was merely the end of the lengthy review that was a mere glimpse at my own interaction with her. This person states they were repeatedly asked the same questions I was, and that they were also threatened by her. To add insult to injury, this is an award-winning doctor! I have NO idea how that’s even possible, but if she fucks with my medication and my health, she is just another doctor whose unprofessional, aggressive behavior is something I will happily report to the state licensing board. She seems incredibly overworked and I’d like to provide her with a permanent vacation.
There are great doctors out there, and I will always honor one with a great review and my full respect, but there are also bottom feeders that make you sick to your stomach. I encourage you to read reviews whenever possible, and I encourage you to write reviews, for the good and the bad. More often than not, it’s the doctor, NOT you.
Patients with chronic illnesses are still PATIENTS. We don’t deserve to be treated like garbage simply because a doctor assumes we’re all secretly addicts. I am shaking my head tonight, knowing in my heart that I didn’t do anything wrong.
Stay safe, smart, and warm, my lovely readers. And if you’ve ever experienced anything like this, I want you to know I stand behind you, and with you.
copyright © 2018 Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
“Does our purpose on Earth directly link to the people whom we end up meeting? Are our relationships and experiences actually the required dots that connect and then lead us to our ultimate destinies?” ―Jennifer Elisabeth
“Something, somewhere, knows what’s best for me and promises to keep sending me people and experiences to light my way as long as I live in gratitude and keep paying attention to the signs.” ―Jennifer Elisabeth
I went to bed last night with what I consider a “mild migraine”. Most of mine are horrific in their intensity, so hopefully this post will help someone.
I have suffered from migraines for almost 18 years. I have a family history of migraines, but that’s not the case for all sufferers. Technically if someone in your family has experienced just one migraine in their life, that is considered a “history”, and even if they never get another migraine again, they are still considered someone who suffers from migraines.
I have a pretty high threshold for pain, so when a migraine takes me down, it messes with my mood and view of the world a lot more than the previous migraine.
I am extremely photosensitive, so on any normal day I avoid the sun, bright lights, and anything that bothers my vision. I wear sunglasses before I leave the house and I wear them after dark if I am coming home with a migraine, even if it looks off to someone else, it saves me.
A cool, dark room is my preference as I’m going through the “coping”, but this really works best during Spring & Summer when you don’t have to justify it in any capacity. In the Winter, no one wants to be freezing through a migraine. I am also highly sensitive to smell, and it becomes more intense when I’m in “migraine mode”.
When things are really bad and I’m dizzy and nauseous beyond belief on top of all that, I find that not moving around a lot helps, as does ginger (Ginger ale, even though it’s basically liquid candy, ginger candy, ginger tea, etc.). When I’m going through a really bad bout of repetitive migraines, I subsist on soup and ginger ale almost exclusively, with ginger tea and ginger-snaps being the only things I can truly keep down. I didn’t have nausea with my migraines until a few years ago. The fabulous benefit of getting older. For some weird reason, diet root beer (It has to be A&W. Every other brand, except for Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer, is absolutely disgusting to me.) and anything with wintergreen also helps with the nausea.
A migraine starts in my head, as it does for most of us, but it’s not truly gone until it has affected my stomach. I refer to this as the “head to toe” phenomenon. It starts above and doesn’t truly leave until it has wrecked my stomach. (This is where proper hydration comes in to the picture later on.)
If you suspect you suffer from migraines, find a really good neurologist who specializes almost exclusively in headaches. Let he/she run all the necessary tests to eliminate any other possibilities, but don’t just take over-the-counter analgesics and allow yourself to suffer. My methods are tried and true, and they work. Unfortunately every migraine is a little different.
I try not to treat a migraine medically if I’ve had to take more than three rounds of medication in a 12 hour time period. If it requires that much medication, sometimes a trip the emergency room is necessary. There are several drugs that can stop the migraine completely and others that are used to treat the pain. Be sure to have a copy of your migraine plan from your doctor with you, or you might not be received very well, or be treated properly, in most ER’s. One of the last times I went to the ER for my doctor-ordered shot of morphine (FYI: I’d NEVER gone before, always suffering through it no matter how bad, and I’d NEVER been given morphine for anything. I’d never wanted to risk the “last straw”. To this day, I’ve somehow managed to avoid getting a shot in the ER for my migraines, but believe me when I say, sometimes I wish I would just go.), they refused to follow his instructions. The nurses stood off to the side with the doctor whispering (which to my ears, sounded like a fucking freight train) that I “might be faking it”, as they “suspected I could be a junkie looking for a fix”. I was SO sick, the mere mention of the word “junkie” ensured I would never again seek treatment at that hospital, nor would I ever return to their emergency room for anything. I did not receive any treatment that day, except for a cat scan which, as we all know, proves absolutely NOTHING in regard to migraines. When I later told my doctor what happened, he was ENRAGED. Hell, they’d called him for the authorization and he faxed them my migraine plan. They couldn’t and wouldn’t follow simple instructions from an on-staff neurologist. If I hadn’t been so sick at the time, I would have asked him to come down and give me the shot himself. He had privileges to do so, but I was truly too ill to make the call.
My first step to coping when I feel the pain come on is to try to remain calm (I often fail here.). I won’t lie, migraines can ruin more than just a single day and when I feel the pain, I panic. Anyone who suffers from them knows that you can be out of the game for over four hours, or a week, depending on the severity of the pain, how long it took the pain to stop completely, and the recovery process. If the first migraine tapered off for a few hours and you got hit with a second one soon after, it makes your recovery time hard to pinpoint because it can suck the life out of you fast. The second I feel that “Uh Oh” twinge anywhere in my head, I take what I’m supposed to, which is supposed to stop the migraine in its tracks before my stomach shuts down, which is roughly 30 minutes or so from when you feel that first burst of pain.
When I am on Relpax (I’m not paid to say this, but it’s the only medication that truly works for me.), which is a prescription-only migraine medicine, I find relief generally without having to take more than 1-3 pills in a 24 hour period. These suckers are expensive, even with insurance, and I only get 6 at a time when they’re prescribed because my insurance doesn’t like paying over $22 per pill (and there’s no way in hell I am paying $240 out-of-pocket for it several times a month), but there are other ways to get them to pay for this if you need it. If this medicine works for you, stick with it. If it doesn’t, don’t worry, because there are a lot of other migraine medicines on the market that help to prevent migraines, and so many others that handle the pain when you suffer an attack. There is also a long list of preventives.
I am not a doctor, but when you suffer from something consistently, you start to feel like one at times. It took about two and half years before I was put on a preventative medicine that lowered my percentage of migraines. Before that, it was one drug after the other that did not work, and the side effects were almost as bad as the constant headaches. Many of them made the headaches worse. I lost my patience with the first neurologist who didn’t believe in managing the pain once it was trying to tear its way through my head. The one time I had to have him paged in the middle of the night because I was a step away from the emergency room, his response was obnoxious. He called something into the pharmacy for me that night, the headache stopped after a few days, but I never went back to see him because I felt he wasn’t properly handling things. If I’ve been a patient of yours for a year or two, and you can’t seem to think outside the box, I do have the right to seek a second opinion. Be your own best friend here. If you and a doctor fundamentally disagree on how you should be treated, find a new doctor. You’re the patient, you don’t deserve to be treated like someone’s science experiment.
Neurologist #2 saved me from drastic measures. To this day, he is someone I respect highly and trust to help me. I have recommended him to other people and will continue to do so. The very first medication he put me on dropped my almost daily migraines down by about 75%. I took it on and off for close to ten years before it stopped working completely. For me, that was still considerable progress. It’s a drug that doesn’t work for everyone and I was the first patient he’d ever given it to for migraines. Because of my initial success with it, he felt comfortable prescribing it to others that were experiencing the same level of pain as I was.
A lot of people who are on the homeopathic route should know this: Certain essential oils might help. I use Lavender. Sometimes I add a little Vanilla to the Lavender because that’s a calming combination for me, but Chamomile is also really helpful. I purchase these oils from TheOrganicWitch.com. Her prices are very reasonable for a 1 ounce bottle, and she often has a Buy 3 or 4, Get 1 Free deal going, so you get the oil you need, and often find a new one that helps with something else. Find out which oils work best for you, but know that not every one of them is safe for direct skin contact. Peppermint needs a carrier oil (in a pinch, olive oil works just fine since most of us have that on hand.). I find that Spearmint doesn’t irritate me or my skin when applied directly, and it’s easier on the senses, especially if you are super sensitive to fragrance, which I am. With Lavender I literally dip a Q-tip into it and apply a little to my temples, the spot on the forehead that is the “Third Eye”, behind my ears, and on my wrists. When using these oils, try to stay away from your pets to avoid direct contact with the oil itself. Over time, some of them are poisonous to cats if inhaled, so be aware of this. Occasional exposure will not kill your dog/cat. Tea Tree Oil is the only exception, they shouldn’t EVER be exposed to it as it is 100% toxic. Cat and kitten automatically move away from anything they find repulsive scent wise, so I don’t worry about them being curious. If you can’t flush the used Q-tip, toss it at the very bottom of your garbage can/bag. Your garbage will smell fantastic, and it will keep your pet(s) away from the remnants of the oil. If you have smaller pets that like to chew on Q-tips, find an alternative disposal method.
Hydration during a migraine and throughout the recovery process is crucial. I’ve had people say “You need to drink more fluids. When you get a headache your brain is thirsty.” I honestly don’t think it’s possible for anyone to drink more water than I do, but in the beginning, I did have to work on this theory of the dehydrated brain. Initially I experimented with things like Gatorade and Powerade (not in large amounts, as I was once concerned about the sodium content), but have since moved on to coconut water, which is 100% natural. I tend to keep Zico Dark Chocolate Coconut Water on hand for migraines (and assorted forms of dehydration) and I buy it by the liter, which is cheaper. If it’s not cold, I pour it over a couple of ice cubes and sip as much of it as I can, slowly. I cannot begin to tell you how many times this has saved me from additional pain and suffering. There are many times I drink it as soon as I’ve taken migraine medication, and if I then take a short nap, I wake up feeling like I never had pain in my head. Not all the time, but a high percentage of the time. I recommend Zico’s Coconut Water because all of the other brands I’ve tried tasted vile to me, including Zico’s Natural and other flavored products (They have several. Check out their web-site.). If you’re already used to the taste, go for it, but the one I’ve recommended is, by far, the superior tasting product and when you have a migraine, taste does often count. I have used their coconut water consistently for five years. It has not failed me.
I’ve got other migraine tips, and that will be in part two.
Do you have any migraine or pain related tip(s) you’d like to share? If so, leave a message in the comments section.
Wishing you all a pain-free day. 🙂
Portions of this are copyright © 2013-2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This may not be re-blogged or posted anywhere without express written consent from the author.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 