Understanding

At this particular point in time, I am having difficulties seeing the silver linings. Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it sucks. We’ve all experienced this. I’m not quite certain what to do when it’s predominantly sucky.

I work hard, but there is always a problem that arises and it’s always something I have to fix. It makes almost all aspects of life, outside of a handful of things, completely miserable, moving straight into unbearable. When does it end? 😦

At a severe low point, I called a suicide prevention hotline. I feel absolutely no shame in admitting that. I do, however, feel incredible outrage by how I was treated by this hotline that will willingly accept my donations, and yours, but refused to so much as help me when I wasn’t very far away from my personal ledge.

The person who took my call was already on the phone with someone “in a more severe crisis”. I have no idea how she knew this other person was in a more severe situation than I was because the first thing she did was put me on hold for about 30 minutes. Let me reiterate that she never even bothered to ask me if I was all right and in a safe place before she did that. She finally comes back on the line and says that the other call is more important and I should try calling back later. She didn’t ask where my head space was, NOTHING. She spewed the call back later crap and hung up. Even if you’re short-handed, even if you’re a volunteer, that isn’t the way to treat anyone who is calling a suicide prevention line. Clearly, they’re not calling for shits and giggles, it takes courage to make that call. I hung up with my jaw wide open, feeling even more betrayed by the world. It was a gut punch. “Wow! Even the suicide prevention hotline can’t prioritize me for half a second before hanging up!” If I wanted to be treated that way, I have family for that.

Earlier this year a now former friend asked me via text message if I “needed professional help”. Instead of understanding that I was in a bad place and needed support, she ended up blowing me off and later “broke up” with me via e-mail. I thought we’d be friends a very long time, so I was understandably blown away by the dramatic behavior and inability to show compassion to another human-being. I will never name names, but I am also at that point where forgiveness is not an option. You only get one chance with me. (Other things did occur towards the end, but I will never discuss any of that because it’s private. If the other person chooses to say something, they would be wrong.)

Telling me you’re worried about me via text message doesn’t convey care or concern. It’s just words. Picking up the fucking phone and saying “I know you’re not okay. I’m here for you.” is a better way to let anyone know that you’re truly there for them.

One of the biggest issues with cell phones and tablets is that no one talks to each other or communicates properly. The other day a woman took a call in front of me from her mother. Her mother wanted to argue and she said “Lets discuss this in person. There is no need to have this conversation over the phone. I will see you in a few hours.” She repeated the same statement several times because apparently she was dealing with a stubborn parent. When she hung up she said she HATED how people misconstrue things via text, e-mail, and sometimes even over the phone. She was totally on my level, saying how she’d rather be face-to-face with certain people because that way, there’s no misunderstanding whatsoever. It was incredibly refreshing.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. If I sense that someone is going through a rough time, whether they voice it or not, they don’t have to ask me to be a good friend or family member, because I do not lack common sense. I am not the world’s most compassionate soul (I openly admit that.), and I will never win awards for my niceness (The niceness gene died at age 12.), but I am emotionally present. That’s more than I can say for a great many people in my life and those I’ve chosen to get rid of.

If you love your friends, you fight for them. Their well-being is important to you and you don’t need to be insulting in order to get your point across. The same is true for family. I come from a very large extended family, but at the end of the day, they are almost exclusively people I happen to be related to (Who are banned from future book signings and appearances. LOL.). They’re not my everyday “I’ve got your back”, “Don’t worry about it.”, “No problem, I’ll help you.” family. There’s an immense difference. I have friends and family I’d do anything for, but with the rest… I’d break out the marshmallows if they were on fire.

Ultimately, not everyone you know is a good person down to roots of their soul. If you find those that are good, don’t let them go over petty idiocy. Learn how to say “I’m sorry” when you’re wrong or when you’ve hurt someone. Learn how to admit you don’t know it all. Be yourself, be real, GROW.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. So, I employ a “live and let live” policy. If you’re good to me, I will appreciate that and I will say so. If you’re a piece of shit to me, eventually I will make sure you know what I think of you. Or I won’t be so bothered as to waste the oxygen, that all depends on my mood.

If you’re a part of my life, I am grateful to have you in it. I keep my circle of friends close because of the value I place upon the element of friendship. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have true friends, and I really don’t trust women who don’t have at least 1-3 close female friends. It’s a red flag. Kind of like a man at a bar that still has a tan line where his wedding band should be, but tells you he’s single or how horrible his “soon-to-be” ex-wife is. Unless you see divorce papers, he’s full of crap and is a married man who hasn’t stopped dating.

I’m eternally appreciative that I am one of those rare people who truly doesn’t care if people like me or not. I spend no time at all wondering what others think of me as a person. Those that take the time to get to know me on a deeper level are the ones that benefit from my fierce loyalty and “ride or die” friendship. Those that burn me clearly don’t know that, like the Phoenix, I will always rise again.

Defining Your Issues

It’s taken me a long time to admit that my biggest issue is asking for help. I get in over my head and then I drown because I never, ever expect to be rescued by anyone. I am the kind of woman who has always rescued herself. Unfortunately, the past two years of my life have proven that sometimes, I feel like I don’t have any pride left.

There is an expression “You can never be too strong.” Yes, you can. Being “too strong”, for me, means that I would rather die than ask for help. 99% of the people in my life have hurt, betrayed, lied, stolen from, and/or abandoned me. People who are supposed to be there for you no matter what are often the ones that will fail you in the worst of times, and after a while, you stop turning in any other direction, except inward. You don’t ever sit around thinking “If only someone would help me through this…” No, you’ve always had the skills to dig yourself out of the crap you get into. Unfortunately, you find yourself angrier than a starving lion with no kill in sight when you realize that there is no Prince or Princess Charming coming on a white horse to rescue you. You’ve always done for yourself, it’s how you were raised, and you have issues breaking free from that.

I am the kind of person that actually means “Thank You.” when she says it. It’s not just polite, pretty words. If a person holds a door for you, especially in this day and age, saying thank you is a prerequisite, but you’d be surprised how many people will walk right past you when you’re holding a door and say absolutely nothing.

When someone steps up and says “I’ve got this.” or “I’ve got you.”, it feels like an Angelic Blessing to me. Right now, I need an enormous Blessing, but I just don’t feel like my prayers are being heard. I am 100% DONE. I’m done making an effort, being a good person, being a good friend, being an upstanding citizen, and taking care of things and people when it’s not my responsibility. I’m just plain DONE. I am tired of the injustice, I am tired of being told “Sorry Ma’am”, I am tired of the lies we are told about who to go to, and who will help us in bad times. Moreover, unless I am visibly over 75 years old, I should be allowed to punch you in the face until I see blood whenever someone deigns to call me Ma’am. I don’t care who you are and if you think it’s good manners, because I find it incredibly rude. You never know how badly a person needs your assistance, or how you would feel if the situations were reversed, so be kind to people when they ask for it, not dismissive and rude. Don’t ever presume you are doing them a favor by being rude, because all it does is make them angry.

I’m Lisa and my biggest problem is asking for help. I wouldn’t worry, I won’t be asking for it ever again.

P.S. NO, this is not a suicide note. Even if it were, I can count the people who would attend my funeral on one hand.