October, You Glorious Friend

2015-10-01 Miss Poison Baseball, Hockey, Life, October, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, The Future, Writing Change, Fall, Life, My Health, October, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, The Future, Writing

f6891c082a92c034d2d8924f17562465 — These are important things to keep in mind as well.

It’s not a secret: Fall is my favorite time of year, and October and November are two of my favorite months. October is a birth-pride kind of thing. I don’t care if it’s sunny year-round in California, because to me, that’s hell. Peace is watching the leaves change color. It’s not having one or two “crisp” days and then returning to more sunshine and 70+ degree temperatures. To me, that’s inhuman. I’d die a slow, painful death. Plus, my SPF use would skyrocket just to go to the mailbox. 😉

I am an Atlantic Ocean loving East Coast girl. I could die over the Atlantic and be perfectly okay with it. I’m a Water Sign and there’s something very calm about it to me. Bodies of water make me happy. In a world where not much does, that’s truly saying something.

October is many things for me: Baseball, hockey, autumn leaves, the smell of fresh apples, baked goods galore (I walked into a store last week to pick something up and the overwhelming scent of apples, pumpkin, cinnamon, and nutmeg slapped me in the face when the doors opened. I wanted to take a shower in the sugary scent.), the weather is intoxicating, Halloween/Samhain, and the icing on the proverbial cupcake is always my birthday.

But this year, my birthday means saying goodbye to a specific chapter of my life and all that I held dear about it and saying hello to a new beginning. Much like a Brazilian wax, it’s going to hurt, but the pain is temporary because less than a week later, my life will begin again someplace new, minus the itchy regrowth.

New adventures, new people, new surroundings that are familiar in some respects, but most importantly, I will finally get the opportunity to focus on my health, on my career change, and on achieving things I never thought of doing. It’s important not to stop dreaming, even if you fully believe you’re content with your life. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that and I think this is an important reminder to “Dream big, for the dream precedes the goal.” You never know what’s possible unless you try.

I greet October with mixed emotions this year. I know it will take many months for me to be okay with my decision, but that ultimately, I am allowing myself to be guided. I’ve repeatedly asked to be guided in the right direction, and perhaps this is simply the right direction at this particular point in my life.

We might joke about winning the lottery being the key to happiness, but ultimately I think many of us want the same things: Good health, happiness, security, and loved ones by our side. Material things don’t matter if you’re all alone and it means even less if you’re sick and can’t help yourself.

I pray that wherever this road takes me, it leads me to the things I most desire in life. Only God truly knows what those things are.

Blank, Empty, Devoid

2015-04-23 Miss Poison April, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Growth, Honesty, Musings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Support, Survival, The Future, Toxic People, Writing Growth, Honesty, Life Chapters, Moving Forward, Musings, New Beginnings, Pieces Of Me, Poison In Lethal Doses, Stress, Writing

There have certainly been times in my life where I’ve been devoid of all emotion, except maybe anger. Sometimes rage fuels me to be stronger, better, smarter, faster. I worry sometimes that therapy weakened me, taking my strengths as a woman and turning me into a neutered puppy. But lately, due to serious concerns about my health, I am starting to feel devoid of so much. Not just emotion, but everything. I’m a pretty fearless woman, but when I’m sick every single day from stress and I don’t act on my thoughts because I know they will only result in broken bones, it distracts me from the goal at hand.

I haven’t said anything at all because this is not a personal place, though I think some would disagree and say that my writing is VERY personal. I don’t perceive it as being anything more than me being me, and allowing others to take it or leave it. But I digress; I am about to embark on a huge change in my life. It is going to take every ounce of internal, physical, and emotional strength I have left. It will not be easy. In fact, I expect it to be yet another bloody battle. I really wanted to get away from sword-sharpening and focus on my goals for the next few years, but all of that has been stripped from me, albeit temporarily. Now, all I am able to do is take things one day at a time.

Part of having Fibromyalgia to this extent means accepting help that is offered with a genuine heart. I’m finally seeing a few genuine hearts, as opposed to the kind that do something in the moment and then throw it back in your face at the most inopportune time. I’m shedding the toxic, negative people in my life and embracing the supportive, positive, loving people. I cannot deal with the bullshit or drama that comes with that constant negativity, period.

I will be slightly less present on here at times as I pack up my current life, weeding it down to the bare necessities, in preparation for the next phase. I will take time to mourn what I thought would be best for me, and embrace that which is new. Sometimes doors DO close, but dwelling on that is unhealthy. I have to believe that there is a different purpose for me, even if now, it simply feels like an immense inconvenience.

I know not everyone here is religious or spiritual, but if you’re the praying type, please keep me on the positive side of your prayers. I am sick, praying daily that I do not get worse, and that the change I am about to make is, overall, healthy and smart.

Nothing in life is perfect. Nothing in life is truly permanent, not even death. There will always be good things happening to bad people and bad things that happen to really good people. It’s twisted, it is senseless, but it’s unfortunately a part of life. All I can do is take each day as it comes and give it my best. If “my best” means staying in bed and asking for help, then so be it. I’m not here to compete with anyone and I’m certainly not walking around believing I am better than anyone else. I’m human. Take it or leave it, and if you leave, I really don’t care if the door breaks your tailbone on the way out.

I will check any messages sent to me and respond as soon as I can, but for now, I have no real answers. Each day brings different stressors and honestly, all I want is a problem solver. Alas, life does not work like that.

I pray that as this week comes to a close, I am able to solve the most pressing issues quickly. Wish me good luck. XO.