It Doesn’t Feel Like A Saturday

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Perhaps having a stressful week and being sick has made me feel like today is Friday, instead of Saturday. It’s disorienting. The sunrise looked more like a sunset, so incredibly stunning in blues and pinks. I have little interest now though in watching the actual sunset. I think it’s just laziness.

I completed a job this afternoon. I must be underestimating myself because I don’t usually pay attention to how many words I read in a day. I am very pleased to have this one behind me, it was incredibly quick and painless. I have several jobs waiting in the wings, minus the contracts. Until the contracts are signed, I get a brief respite. One contract will be printed, signed, and scanned tonight. Hopefully that will keep me busy for a while, especially since the only part of it I’ve worked on thus far is the first two pages.

I am fighting off something ugly (Kindly pull the knives out of my back so that I can feel my lungs, thank you.), so I’m trying to get better rest and do what I can to de-stress. All easier said than done. One day I was fine, the next day I was coughing so badly that my ribs feel bruised. Being sick like this has a way of making you feel far more fragile than you actually are.

I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I’d like my own personal cave, complete with WiFi.

Yesterday, while in the middle of cooking, I finally got to see Gone Girl. The book was excellent, and I’m pretty sure it reiterated by issues with marriage, but the movie was also well done. Kudos to Gillian Flynn for not only writing the book, but also writing the screenplay. Next up will be The Judge. I’m looking forward to that.

I’m happy to say that two weeks in a row, I managed to score a good two hours of “me time”, with no interruptions. It really helps ones’ psyche to place themselves first at times and not allow anyone to interfere with that. I will be busy this week, but I still intend to set aside a few hours for myself, even if only to breathe or catch up on all the shows I’ve been missing.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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When not sprawled out like spoiled beasts, this is precisely what my girls have been doing. I think they’re multiplying.

 

 

 

Conditions

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Be certain of them though. There’s no more room for bodies in the trunk.

Conditions

There is a moment when you realize that the relationship you are/were in has more conditions placed on it than you ever realized. This can easily apply to friendships as well.

If you abandon, do not expect my loyalty.

If you disrespect, do not expect my respect.

If you are genuine, don’t turn on falseness when it suits you.

If you care, then care all the time, not as a matter of convenience.

If you’re truly concerned, then do something. Don’t ask what can be done, listen and actually help.

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.

You never know when the walls you place up against someone else might be what destroys them. It’s not healthy or wise to treat someone as lesser than you simply because they are different.

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Or where they live… 

The flip side is this:

No matter what I may be going through, I will still be present for you.

If you ask, then expect honesty.

If you show me you don’t care, don’t expect me to be blind to that.

If you abandon, do not expect to be forgiven.

If you get ugly with me, please don’t expect me to eat that politely with a knife and fork.

If you isolate me, I will make certain that you know you no longer exist in my eyes.

And while they do it, they pretend they've been wronged!!
And while they do it, they pretend they’ve been wronged!!

People ask for different things in relationships and friendships, but often times when they get what they ask for, they run and hide. It’s hard for me to take someone seriously when I see that kind of behavior.

Sometimes a person’s behavior actually has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. However, lack of communication is usually what starts fights, hostility, anger, and resentment.

Communicate, appreciate, validate, and don’t disrespect the people in your life. If your needs change, SPEAK UP. No one is a mind reader. There are no results in sitting around bitching, whining, and complaining about something. There ARE results in communicating and letting the other person know precisely what is going on.

If you’re going to dissolve any type of relationship, have the balls to do it to a person’s face. Don’t do it via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or text message. That’s low, and classless. Treat people the way you want to be treated. And if you cheated, do everyone involved a favor and don’t make that shit public. Isn’t it bad enough you’re a piece of shit, does the world really need to know about it too?!

I swear, I was born on the wrong planet!

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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Sometimes People Try…

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Has this ever happened to you? A common misconception in my life is that I’m a sweet, nice, gullible, passive chicken shit. The truth is, I’m the exact opposite. I’d never use the words “nice” or “sweet” to describe myself, though I am capable of being both depending on how I am treated.

I’ve come across a great many people in my life who didn’t like the fact that I don’t conform, and that I refuse to allow myself to be boxed into a mold. There is immense power and strength in that, and yes, these people did things to try to slander me and/or diminish me in some way. They didn’t succeed. I find it incredibly sad when the biggest bullies in the world are people who should know better, especially when they’re parents.

It’s Okay To Take It Easy

Caturday with the supremely relaxed and rested.
Caturday with the supremely relaxed and rested.

I intended to get some work done today. I am doing an editing job to help someone out from a writer’s group I previously belonged to. I am also doing an editing job because it’s my job to do so. However, with no set deadline, I found myself procrastinating on opening the file. I’ve already done several pages on it already and the author hasn’t stated when she wants or needs it back. Considering she’s just blown the last week, I don’t feel like I need to be putting in 10-12 hour days on it just yet. In turn, I feel no guilt whatsoever in taking it easy today.

I’ve answered almost all of my e-mails, no easy feat that. I’ve watched my British Bombay (a breed of solid black cat. The major difference between them and an American Bombay are the shape of their face, ears, and their eye color. Plus, she’s all mine and looks so sweet and innocent while curled up like a bum.) sleep in various positions in front of me. The little lamb chop purred all through her nail-clipping, as if she was being brushed instead of having her nails cut down by half. (It was long overdue. She’s been slippery in her methods of escaping me whenever she sees the handle of the special nail trimmer I have.) I tooled around with the new Twitter page for this platform, @PoisonPlatform. It’s not much at the moment, but it will get there, though it feels slightly pointless. And then, for actual fun, I watched Arrow, The Originals, and the last two episodes of Stalker, which I missed. Perhaps later I’ll watch something else. (Banshee, definitely Banshee.)

After more than a week of being the exact opposite of myself, I am thinking very sharply today and feeling next to no pain from the Fibromyalgia. A little back soreness, yes, but none of the severe pain from neck to toe that I feel every single day of my life. I’m sure it will return with a vengeance the second I think about it too much.

Monday is Imbolc/Groundhog Day. My one sign that Spring is around the corner is that the bunnies have returned to my backyard. They’re chewing away at the grass that has peeped up beneath the melting snow. Clearly they’ve been all over the yard, as the snow is chock full of bunny paw prints. CUTEST.THING.THIS.WEEK. The morning doves are also visiting regularly. The thought of fresh-cut grass sends me into a horrific sneezing fit, and yet I would welcome it over the somewhat Siberian temperatures. Siberia is in my blood, but knowing that it will be -10 with the wind chill doesn’t exactly do anything for me.

Originally I prepared a different post for today, but I want a few days to re-evaluate it (read: psychoanalyze it to death). It has the potential to make some people uncomfortable, which isn’t my intention, but philosophical and theological debates are quite interesting to me and I think it’s important to cover subject matter that is personally interesting, even if it might make a few people think a lot more closely than they normally do.

This is the first Super Bowl that I will probably miss. I’m a Patriots fan (and a New York Giants fan), but right now I’m about as interested in football as I am in watching snow melt. So long as everyone is safe, live and let live.

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How are you spending your end-of-January/Super Bowl weekend? If it’s in Hawaii, do me a favor and skip the comments.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Be Honest

This is how men shop at the grocery store. Every single one of them.
This is how men shop at the grocery store. Every single one of them.

Be Honest

Many of us use specific ringtones to let us know precisely who is calling. A standardized boring ringtone might mean we have no idea who the caller is, and thus, we do not answer the phone. Special songs have special meanings. We don’t even have to look to see who is calling, we already know.

Oftentimes I am out running errands and a person’s ringtone will make me laugh out loud, or want to run and hide because it’s appalling to the ears. My phone very rarely rings, but when it does, my ringtones stop people in their tracks. What can I say? I have an extremely warped sense of humor.

My favorites? I have a special one I use for my brother, which is a head turner. It’s an iconic song, so unless one has been living in a cave for the last 50 years, they’ve heard it at least once.

I have special ones for close friends and family. The songs make me smile, because they’re personal and related to private things I share with each person. The ringtone I use for people I don’t particularly care for is from The Wizard Of Oz. It truly brings me back to the very first time I ever saw the movie and the Wicked Witch appeared on-screen. It has a total flying monkeys effect on me. Whenever I hear it, it makes me laugh.

Now I am not the person that presses “Ignore” or “Decline” when a call comes in. It’s incredibly rude when the phone rings once and you’re immediately sent to voice mail. If someone ever does that to you, know that they’re doing it on purpose, especially if they don’t call you back within an hour and apologize. If my phone is off, you automatically get sent to voice mail, but if it’s on, it rings a good 4-6 times before one is rolled over to voice mail. It’s a few extra seconds of listening to a song, but in the end, you’re not the douche-bag that just hit “Ignore” or “Decline”.

There’s someone in my life that ALWAYS hits “Ignore” on a good 70% of my calls. The first time he did it, I called his flat little ass out on it and told him “Do you KNOW what a douche move that is? Just let it go to voice mail or answer for two seconds and tell me you’ll call me back, but don’t EVER hit IGNORE, or I’ll gladly do it to you when you call me in an emergency.” It’s such a shit move, it makes me want to knock someone’s teeth out.

I don’t take a lot of calls in public. I’m usually around a lot of other people and because a lot of my conversations are A) Super private, B) Hilarious beyond measure, or C) About as interesting as watching paint dry, so I try to keep public phone use to a minimum. I don’t ever want to be the woman sitting in the pedicure chair discussing a friend’s STD in front of an entire spa or salon full of people who are trying to relax. That has never happened, and even if it did, I’m not at liberty to disclose that information. I am not the loud woman in public talking on the phone as if she’s behind closed doors. No matter where I go, there is always at least one person doing this, be they male or female. It drives me insane.

Men, you’ve all grocery shopped on your own before at least once in your lives, right? Whomever you are in a relationship with gave you a list and sent you off with specific details, yes? Then please tell me why every single man I see shopping on his own is on the phone asking his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband about things like this: “It’s not on the list, but do we want blueberries?” Note that “we” was used. “Hi, I just thought I’d call to see if you want tomatoes.” Dude, seriously? If they don’t, you won’t get in trouble for buying them, unless they’re deathly allergic and you’re being an idiot. “Hey honey, do we need milk? Yes, I’m at Walmart. No, I am not standing in front of it yet. Hold on, let me walk over there.” Mind you, he was at the front door.

I can’t help but overhear these people because they’re either really loud and/or right in my face, often taking up space where I need to reach for an item. They will just stand there like I have on my Invisibility Cloak and I’m not actually reaching for tomato paste while they’re right there, over six feet tall, and can grab it for me while wasting time on the phone. It is truly sad when short people shop by themselves and need to flag down much taller people to be able to reach the stupidest items that are somehow placed somewhere directly between clouds and Heaven.

Honestly, I would rather send someone a discreet text about fucking tomatoes as opposed to having an actual full-blown tomato conversation in an aisle full of people. Perhaps it’s a female thing, but we know you’re going to eat whatever we bring home and be grateful you were fed at all. And by God, if I want blueberries, I’ll fucking buy them without asking for your permission!

Be honest, what drives you insane about others when you’re running errands and just trying to get shit done with the time you have?

Anyone that has to be on line with these people!
Anyone that has to be on-line with these people!

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

P.S. If you need laughs this weekend, please visit my pal Jodi’s blog. She’s HILARIOUS and such a vibrant person. 🙂

Writing Means…

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Writing Means

Writing truly means different things to different people. As I approach my 28th year as a writer, which feels like “just yesterday”, I find myself very introspective about the beginning, middle, and present day.

It’s hard to believe I was ever this quiet, small, shy, introverted child that wasn’t highly talkative. I only spoke about things I understood to the fullest capacity, and in my ways, I’m still like that. I won’t talk about something unless I’m highly knowledgeable about it. However, I think shy is probably the last word anyone would attach to my name now.

Writing is not just a comfortable form of communication for me; it’s my voice.

Over the years, people have asked me not to be myself, not to utilize my gifts, and to suppress who I am. They would tell me how much they loved me, but their love came with all sorts of chains. No one that truly loves you tells you not to be who you are. No one that truly cares about you will walk away from you simply because you’re honest.

Honesty and realness do tend to make some people uncomfortable. It took me a long time to realize that those aren’t my issues, and I don’t have to carry them with me. I accept everyone on a case-by-case basis. If you’re good to me, I am going to be good in kind. If you lie to me, stab me in the back, or harm me or anyone I value, you might as well just call the morgue in advance because eventually, I will react.

I’ve learned over the years to walk away from people who do not help me grow. I do not mean that in a “I use people” capacity, quite the opposite. I believe in growth and I believe that we can empower each other in our individual life journeys. I believe that if you help people, you will be helped in your own times of crisis.

Sometimes a person is pure poison to you. Everything about them is cruel, vindictive, malicious. Their intentions are cast in something that can physically make you ill.

An old friend once said “My step-father’s aura is black, an evil shade of black.” As a person who has been able to see auras on and off her entire life, I totally understood what she meant by that. It was all of his anger, hatred, self-loathing, bitterness, etc., and she could physically see it coming off of him. Auras are often about perception. For instance, the purest auras I see are from children and animals. They are always a silvery shade to me, or a platinum radiance. To me, that always represents innocence. I don’t see it with every child or animal, but I do see it often enough that it rarely comes as a shock. Moreover, these are the same children that notice me and my aura. It makes them smile and point at me, giggling happily. I have no idea what it looks like to them, but whatever it is, it has always been very positive. Some animals very clearly see it too, because they look at me differently and treat me differently than their brethren.

In life, we all have specific affinities for very specific things. I was born with a lot of my gifts, things I’ve never discussed beyond like-minded individuals, and other gifts surfaced with age. Some people are “late bloomers”, but eventually almost all of us find something we excel at in ways others do not.

I work in a position where I have the power to tell people “This is not your forte.”, but in 20 years, I’ve never said it to someone. I’ve never felt it was my job to tell a person what they can and cannot accomplish. No matter how much professional power you may possess, I don’t think it gives you the right to shatter someone’s dreams. I’m direct, I am honest, but I am fair. I’d rather tell someone to go back to the drawing board than crush them altogether.

Not everyone has natural ability, but that can often be made up for with sheer determination and hard work. Rome was not built in a day and not everyone is born with supreme talent in any specific field. Much like our looks, it’s all a quirk of nature. Other things I have to perceive as blessings. Sometimes our gifts help us emerge from troubled situations, horrible upbringings, pain we never think we’ll be able to cope with.

No one’s life is perfect. It doesn’t matter how it is drawn for you to see, the grass is not always greener. I usually say “The picture in the window is not the truth.”, and I believe that. I know far too many people who came from picture perfect families to the outside world, but behind closed doors, were living in a realm of hell that is incomprehensible.

Many people come to me and say “Oh, I love to write.” or “I’m a writer too.” While I won’t denounce their claims, I can only speak for myself. I write because it’s my place in this world to do so. I write because it’s more to me than a source of income. I write because my ability with the written and spoken word is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given, and to ignore those gifts would be a travesty.

There were many years where I only wrote when I had to. I didn’t want to “just be a writer”. I still don’t. I want to be the creative being I am supposed to be, always expanding my horizons. Never settling for opinions based on hot air.

The reason this is a writer’s platform and not a “blog” is based solely on the fact that I am a writer. A person can call it whatever they like, but I will never refer to it as “my blog”, because that’s not what it is. I have a blog and I am unhappy there, which is why this platform is so important to me and why I devote more time to it. It’s not just about building an audience for something new, it’s about attracting the right kinds of people to my work, people who will remain interested in the things I write, my published work, and the things I have to say. Call it a base-line, if you will, but for me, it’s a platform of reality.

Writing means I get to do that, I get to be myself here, without judgment. I get to speak my mind and if someone doesn’t like that, there is always an UN-FOLLOW button available to them.

In life, many things come and go, but talent? Talent stays with you, forevermore.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Am I Wearing A Sign?

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I am thisclose (that is not a typo) to killing one of my clients. If you feel like someone is professionally giving you the runaround, it’s probably because they are. Though I suspect, some people are truly stupider than one can give them credit for.

There aren’t enough “LOLs” in the world to mask the utter stupidity I am dealing with. Making a HUGE mistake and then sending me a message about your mistake isn’t cute, unless we’re friends. It’s even less cute when that mistake personally affects me.

And then, I get the manuscript. Nearly 70,000 words that, after two pages, made me want to hang myself. I swear to God, I need to eat, calm the hell down, and look at it in a day or two because there is NO WAY I am going to be professional in this moment. I wish I had a bottle of wine on hand to smack over my own head…after drinking it, of course. I’m not much of a drinker, but man, my clients are going to turn me into a full-blown alcoholic. Should you ever see me wandering the streets aimlessly, kindly shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Oh, and the snow was no big deal. It looks like it totalled out around 5 inches or so, if that. Sadly, my poor Aunt got saddled with 2 1/2 feet of snow. I hope she doesn’t have to see a single snowflake until next winter. Praying for an early Spring, which is saying a lot with my allergies.

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Break, Not Broken

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Break, Not Broken

I came into this world intolerant of fake people, lies, and bullshit. This has only become more pronounced as I’ve gotten older.

There are actual photos of me as a baby, newly home from the hospital, and the expression on my face is priceless. I know exactly what I was thinking in every single photo because the core of who I am has not changed. If I didn’t like the person holding me, it showed. If I thought someone was false, it showed. To this day, you can see a lot of what I’m thinking on my face, unless I’m using what is often called my “FBI face”. It’s an incredibly blank “I really don’t give a shit” face. It can come across bitchy, but it’s really me, completely uninterested. Unfortunately, I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately.

My thought process of late is blank. I’m incapable of listening to bullshit or tolerating much of anything. In fact, my tolerance level is zilch, so comment with caution.

Paying attention to anything for more than a few minutes at a time is actually intolerable. I catch myself spacing out when people talk to me. The only things I can listen to are 1) A baby’s cries and 2) A cat’s cries. In my maternal make-up, these sounds are the ONLY sounds that turn me into a fearless, it-doesn’t-matter-that-I-got-no-sleep-what’s-wrong kind of person. Everything else, right now, either makes me sick or makes me want to lock myself in a hole. I call it my “boiling point”. When I reach that level, it’s time to disengage from certain aspects of my life.

Obviously these are not normal patterns for me. I’ve lived a long time and haven’t hidden in a broom closet once, or any closet for that matter. I suspect we ALL want to walk away from life at times, just pick up and go somewhere for a year or so, and not be bothered by the bullshit of daily life. It’s normal and it’s okay to feel that way. And yet, I won’t go because I feel rooted by responsibilities.

Someone said to me last month “Not having a cell phone for a few months can be very freeing.” Amen to that, brother! When a phone rings, unless I already know who it will be, I cringe. It doesn’t matter if it’s my home phone or my cell, I visibly cringe. There are less than five people I will accept calls from, and only one person whose texts I look forward to because she constantly makes me laugh or encourages me, and I respect the supportive relationship I have with her (She knows who she is because we text a LOT.). Everything else in my life feels bleak. It feels like somewhere along the way, everything became deeply shaded in grey, and there is very little color.

I know what rock bottom feels like. This is similar, but it is emotionally different. As we get older, our emotions for certain things change and that is to be expected. Our reactions are no longer the reactions of a teenager or someone younger, but as adults, every person reacts differently.

I am often told I “think too much”, or I’m “too intense”, “too passionate”, etc. If you’re not passionate about something or someone, then what’s the point of living? If you don’t have passion, you cannot be intense about anything. If you don’t utilize the brain you are given by thinking and learning, then what’s the point of having one? Eventually, it all sounds less like “advice” and more like judgment, and lets face it, that’s exactly what it is.

Naturally people would prefer it if I were any number of things: Nicer, kinder, quieter, less vocal, less apt to open my mouth and let someone have it, etc. In the grand scheme, it makes me feel like the people in my life want me to be some soft, pathetic, whiny version of myself that I have NEVER been. I can’t tell you how many times a week someone says “Be nice.” or “That was mean.” I was honest, but apparently honesty is now considered “not nice” and “mean”. You’d think I publicly murdered puppies the way some people react to basic, every day language.

Do you want a “Yes person” around you 24/7? I don’t. It’s perfectly okay to disagree with me. Everyone is entitled to their own views and feelings. You don’t have to believe in a single thing that I believe in. You don’t have to like the things I like or watch something because I said it was fantastic. No one needs to blindly follow me. Liking me is not mandatory. In fact, I’d prefer respect over being liked. I lack the ability of making real words seems like they’ve been dipped in sugar. I can be a perfectly polite, nice person, yes, but if I disagree with something, I feel I am entitled to do so. Apparently my personality often makes other people afraid to the point where they feel they have to agree with me. Hearing that makes me nauseous because I know I don’t actually have that kind of power, but if I did, I’d use it for more important things.

Ultimately, I am burned out. Hopefully at some point within the next few months I will know precisely which direction my life is going in and be able to either go away for a while (even just a few weeks would be awesome. Sometimes a change of environment is the best thing for the soul.) or start planning a summer excursion. Anyone that would like to have me around for a while should let me know now. I’ll say anything for a laugh in my quest to be entertaining, I’m relatively low maintenance, and I cook, what more could you want?

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P.S. I am begrudgingly working on a Twitter account for this page. In the meantime, you can follow me @LisaMMarino I just wouldn’t expect much right now, I’m still trying to figure it out.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.