Breaking Point

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I think it’s admirable when people say “Keep Fighting”, but in actuality, they do not know what you are battling, they do not know your mind, they do not know your heart, and they do not know your breaking point.

We all have lines that, once crossed, send us into different modes of survival. It is perfectly normal to freak out, panic, cry, scream, be incredibly angry, etc. It’s also okay to want to curl up into a ball and not emerge from that position for a while. It is okay to think your feelings through, in your own time and in your own way. When you’re going through something rough, something most people will never have to face, no one wants or needs to be yelled at like a dog that just shit on a persian rug.

I am going through something tremendous at the moment. It is terrifying, heartbreaking, cruel, evil, wrong, and a plethora of other things that I will refrain from saying. Maybe in a year from now, I will feel comfortable sharing the story without feeling as though I am being judged.

There may reach a time when I am not able to be present here on a daily basis. I might be able to check in once a week for a few months, if that. I hope that you can all be patient and stick by me through this, but I will also understand if you don’t. I’m not going to take it personally, but I do feel it is better to be honest in advance, as opposed to simply disappearing for a while without any explanation. I do not intend to abandon what I have.

I LOVE what I do here. It brings me an immense sense of peace and contentment. It is a daily reminder that I’m not just “some person who writes” or “likes to write”, but an actual writer. There’s a difference between the three, but I don’t have to explain it. A great many of you “get it”.

For now, I will remain as present as possible. I will let you know through my work when the insanity is going to start and hopefully have a “I’m going to be back full-time” date as well. Please know I am doing the best I can, trying to remain sane, and trying very hard not to cash in my “life chips”. I am reminding myself this morning that I have survived all of the worst days of my life up until this point. That’s a 100% success rate, and now I just have to keep moving forward, despite wanting to shut down and lose my temper.

In the meantime, I really want and need several solid weeks of uninterrupted sleep each night. My allergies have decided to become a full-on pain in the ass out of nowhere, so I took half a Benadryl last night before going to bed (Because that’s all I had left, or I would have taken two.). My eyes and parts of my face are still itching and burning with no logical reason whatsoever, except that I am stressed and already have eye allergies. Even my eye drops are utterly useless, providing absolutely no relief. Stress, it turns out, manifests in a myriad of ways.

Stay healthy and safe everyone. I’ll be around until I say otherwise.

copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 

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4 thoughts on “Breaking Point

    • Thanks hon! I’m not going anywhere just yet, but I suspect there will be some significant absence, though I honestly won’t know for sure. Sometimes I’m better at multitasking than I seem to think. Not that being here is a “task”, it’s the exact opposite.

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  1. I agree that we all have our own breaking points and as long as we know where and what they are, that’s really all that matters. Regardless of whether you decide to take a break or not, I will also be around whenever you need support of any kind. Hope those allergies give you a break soon, those things are nasty buggers. Hope the rest of your week goes well!

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    • I was pretty fucking broken when I wrote what I did, which is why I said what I did, precisely as I meant for it to be read. I suppose it was somehow open in its interpretation? I didn’t mean for it to be.

      You know that I appreciate your support and friendship, it’s very special to me.

      I am going through something horrible and it will take up many hours of my time on a daily basis until I can return to my normal schedule of writing and creating, so I don’t see it so much as “taking a break” as it is “taking care of unhappy shit”. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

      My allergies are unbelievably miserable. Even now, my eyes and parts of my face are burning like hell. I keep hoping that I haven’t developed an allergy to my face wash, which is entirely possible. The only relief I have gotten was that little bit of Benadryl and some Benadryl cream I found for insect bites, which is perfect for smaller spots. Anytime something responds to Benadryl so quickly, I have to assume it’s an external allergy as opposed to an internal one, but since I am constantly developing some new allergy, I really don’t need to know unless it’s deadly. I just do my best to weather through.

      I hope the rest of my week is completely uneventful. I just want to get some rest and write my thoughts down, etc. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing and guiding me in the right direction.

      Hope you’re doing well sweetie. Talk to you soonly. HUGS.

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