It’s not even 7:30 a.m. EDT and I’ve already scored 4,000 words and most of a new chapter. Is it terrible that I now want a nap after over 12 hours of work, stress, a migraine, and writing?
Year: 2014
A Kind Gesture…
“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” ―Steve Maraboli
Addressing An Issue
I wrote something yesterday that upset someone. It might have upset more than one person, no one else said anything, but in all fairness, I did write and post it late. In reality, I know who cares about me and who doesn’t. As we’ve established, I am not an attention seeker. If I was, the drama here would be high. I really don’t have the time or the patience to be like that.
I am well aware that I am very internal, and that that can come off as me being “cryptic”. I don’t read much into that, because I say exactly what I think and what I feel. I have lost the ability of being concerned whether or not it affects someone else because my feelings are entirely my own. Most importantly, I’ve only ever seen the selfish side of the coin.
In the past, I have written about depression and suicide from a very honest stand-point, and people responded to it with e-mails that started off like this: “How could you possibly think of leaving me? What would I do without you?” It only ended up angering me. There was no “I’m here for you, what can I do?” or “I am here to listen, no matter what.”, just “How could you think of leaving me?” Those words are selfish. Being honest about your emotions is not.
It bothers people how direct I am, that there’s very little I won’t say. I find that it is important to get it out of my system, to be honest with how I feel, to be honest with myself, and if my honesty helps someone, good. I don’t sugar-coat or gloss things over. If I say I’m “fine”, I’m probably not, but you have to know me really well to hear it in my voice and know. 95% of people will hear me say I’m fine and keep talking, they are so wrapped up in themselves that my well-being is of no concern to them whatsoever. I often say I could be bleeding out of my eyeballs and no one would notice. The other day someone actually told me “I’d put a towel under you and leave you there.”, and they LAUGHED. The cruelty of such a statement isn’t fucking amusing, not by a long shot.
The last thing I ever want someone to say is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It’s not a kind thing to say, it always comes off so dismissive, and that makes me want to rip your face off. Yeah, I’m graphically visual when I’m angry, but there’s no law against it…yet.
It comes down to this: If you accept me, please accept me as I am. If you don’t, exit stage left. Being a part of my life, however large or small, comes with its benefits and rewards, but I’m not going to fake happiness for anyone or fake my emotions. That is far more exhausting to me than the truth.
copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Defining Your Issues
Defining Your Issues
It’s taken me a long time to admit that my biggest issue is asking for help. I get in over my head and then I drown because I never, ever expect to be rescued by anyone. I am the kind of woman who has always rescued herself. Unfortunately, the past two years of my life have proven that sometimes, I feel like I don’t have any pride left.
There is an expression “You can never be too strong.” Yes, you can. Being “too strong”, for me, means that I would rather die than ask for help. 99% of the people in my life have hurt, betrayed, lied, stolen from, and/or abandoned me. People who are supposed to be there for you no matter what are often the ones that will fail you in the worst of times, and after a while, you stop turning in any other direction, except inward. You don’t ever sit around thinking “If only someone would help me through this…” No, you’ve always had the skills to dig yourself out of the crap you get into. Unfortunately, you find yourself angrier than a starving lion with no kill in sight when you realize that there is no Prince or Princess Charming coming on a white horse to rescue you. You’ve always done for yourself, it’s how you were raised, and you have issues breaking free from that.
I am the kind of person that actually means “Thank You.” when she says it. It’s not just polite, pretty words. If a person holds a door for you, especially in this day and age, saying thank you is a prerequisite, but you’d be surprised how many people will walk right past you when you’re holding a door and say absolutely nothing.
When someone steps up and says “I’ve got this.” or “I’ve got you.”, it feels like an Angelic Blessing to me. Right now, I need an enormous Blessing, but I just don’t feel like my prayers are being heard. I am 100% DONE. I’m done making an effort, being a good person, being a good friend, being an upstanding citizen, and taking care of things and people when it’s not my responsibility. I’m just plain DONE. I am tired of the injustice, I am tired of being told “Sorry Ma’am”, I am tired of the lies we are told about who to go to, and who will help us in bad times. Moreover, unless I am visibly over 75 years old, I should be allowed to punch you in the face until I see blood whenever someone deigns to call me Ma’am. I don’t care who you are and if you think it’s good manners, because I find it incredibly rude. You never know how badly a person needs your assistance, or how you would feel if the situations were reversed, so be kind to people when they ask for it, not dismissive and rude. Don’t ever presume you are doing them a favor by being rude, because all it does is make them angry.
I’m Lisa and my biggest problem is asking for help. I wouldn’t worry, I won’t be asking for it ever again.
P.S. NO, this is not a suicide note. Even if it were, I can count the people who would attend my funeral on one hand.
copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Aim Higher…
“Aim higher in case you fall short.” ―Suzanne Collins
Never Give Up…
I will post some new material as soon as I break through my current “funk”. I simply haven’t felt very good these past few days. I don’t know what’s wrong, just that I feel dizzy and weak. I know my body really well, so this is not a “doctor issue”. I suspect it is a vitamin deficiency, so I will load up on the B12 and see if that makes a difference. It usually does.
Hope you’re all having a good week and that wherever you are, it’s not freezing like it is here.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 