This morning, I spent a little over an hour in the kitchen whipping up a full pot of tabouleh. I needed some healthy, soul food. 😉 It felt so good to listen to music and go at my own pace. It calmed me down in ways that, of late, cooking has not.

I made it differently this time (More to my personal taste, as opposed to anyone else’s.), and I’ll add more lemon juice to it later on in the day, because as it cools, more flavors pop and you can tell, right before you serve it, what else needs to be added. Taste as you go.

“Tam” means “taste”. I am an instinctual kind of chef, and I believe this stems from growing up and paying attention to how things were prepared from start to finish. Usually if I watch something done once or twice, that’s it, I’m solid on how to do it for the rest of my life. Rarely do I look at a recipe, unless I am making something new for the first time, and even then, I put my personal spin on every single dish I make for my family/friends. I take great pride in doing this, to the point where my brother texted me last night to complain about no one making, “good food” for him. I reminded him I used to do this for him several times a week and he didn’t always appreciate it. It’s a little sad when a person doesn’t necessarily miss YOU, but they miss your cooking.

I must have felt stronger than I am, because I had even softened butter to bake a full batch of Peppermint Chocolate Chunk cookies for after I’d finished up the tabouleh, but I felt so exhausted after cleaning up the kitchen, and I knew I had to listen to my body. I will bake them later, or tomorrow, if I have the energy/patience.

My insomnia is scary right now. Usually, I work when I’m unable to sleep, and I feel accomplished in that because I am able to make a lot of headway, but this morning I’d had enough of words and decided to put my efforts into food prep. I won’t have to cook later, so that will be awesome. 🙂 I’ll be able to put things on the table, enjoy, and get some feedback on this batch of Middle Eastern goodness. 😀

It is sixteen degrees here after yesterday being a snow day in a myriad of ways (It is ICY out there. Dangerously icy.), so I feel good that there’s stuff ready for a late lunch/early dinner. I’ll be pairing this with a kale and spinach salad accompanied by grilled chicken. Douse it in balsamic vinaigrette and I am THERE. 🙂 Obviously, the cookies are a bit of a treat, but I eat boringly healthy most of the time (I had the exact same salad last night, because I was too lazy to add things to it. Normally I do a full blown salad for 2-3 days, which often includes peppers, cruciferous veggies, whatever seasonal fruit I have on hand, nuts, the works, but this time, I begged out. I was too tired to do it, but it was okay.), so I am allowed to do something fun, for a change. Lately, my biggest craving has been whipped cream. I’ve been obsessed, and it’s such an odd craving to have…

I find it interesting that while I was chopping, stirring, and juicing lemons by hand (Yes, I am THAT girl.), despite the music I was listening, and singing to, my mind went blank of all the stressors. This is practically unheard of for me. I have had WEEKS of stressful thinking, mostly surrounded around heavy business decisions (as well as health stuff.).

I looked at my closest friends and saw how everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, to the point where many don’t even ask me if I’m okay when they assault me with what they’ve got going on (Yes, it is assault. They don’t ask my permission, so I’ve stopped answering everyone immediately.). I didn’t want to bother any of them with my minor problems. Yeah, I downplay my grief. I don’t deny it. They are dealing with life/death issues, and that supersedes my crap. Whatever I am thinking/feeling won’t mean a whole lot to them in the long or short run, and they don’t have my business sense, so I felt completely alone in terms of who to talk to. Ultimately, I discussed it with a family member who reinforced how responsible I am being and how I am making smart moves. They also offered to help me, and I appreciate that. It’s no one else’s responsibility to help me with business stuff. Truly. It was my business plan from the get-go and hitting a brick wall without a crystal ball was not the goal, so it is truly my responsibility to handle the heavy-lifting. It may feel like a burden now, but it won’t when it’s done, and that’s the feeling I have to embrace. Focus on the goal, and do everything in your power to achieve it. You are allowed to have goals, change your mind, change course, and whatever else you need to do in order to succeed in a fair way.

I admit, this is an enormous goal. I am not going to shy away from the challenge, though. In the meantime, it gives me additional time to perfect that which feels raw. I went back to part one of this goal and when I went through all my notes, I hated everything I’d put together. Truly hated it, whereas I was previously proud not that long ago. I’ll sort it out, and I will do so without pressuring myself to have it done yesterday. One step at a time, even if they’re baby steps. The goal WILL be achieved, and I have to trust the Universe to know when the timing is right.

Here’s hoping I get some rest this weekend and continue to heal. After all, the weekend is only forty-eight hours and that never seems like a lot of time, because it isn’t. I feel like I’ll blink, and it will be May, and the thought is utterly traumatic, so I am trying to take on one stressor at a time. Needless to say, it’s probably a good thing I speak with my psychiatrist next week. I almost feel bad for him. Almost. 😉

Wherever you are in the world, may you enjoy your weekend in peace.

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