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Believe It Or Not, I DO Have Boundaries

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“There are two kinds of friendship: the beneficial friendship and the erroneous friendship. The erroneous friendship balances on the principle of “The closer we are, the more okay it is for me to say anything I want to you and for me to treat you any way that I want to, and for me to disrespect you and take advantage of you.”, while a true friendship is rooted in this principle: “The closer we are, the more respect I have for you, the better I will treat you, the higher I will regard you, the more good things I will wish for you.”

You will know someone is a true friend by basis of observing their actions towards you as the friendship grows deeper. A true friend will continue to hold you in higher and higher regard, while the error of a friend will see your goodwill and newfound fondness as basis to do and say whatever he/she wants, that is disrespectful and non-beneficial to you.” C. JoyBell C.

Believe It Or Not, I DO Have Boundaries

Generally I say what I mean and I mean what I say, but when you push my buttons and you keep pushing, you’re going up against the wrong woman. You cannot win, you will not win, and here’s why.

I am not so comfortable with the people in my life that I will over-step my boundaries intentionally. However, yesterday someone SERIOUSLY over-stepped with me, and unless I write my feelings out, I won’t ever speak to this person again, so I’m sorry for involving my readers in something they may not fully understand.

As a friend, and as a person, I am incredibly devoted. Loyal to a fault and “Ride or Die” are the usual terms used to describe the type of friend I am. What I am NOT, is inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, rude, bitchy, disrespectful, unappreciative, or a habitual line-stepper. It’s okay to tell me to back off, so long as you do it politely. It’s okay to say “I can’t talk about this now.”, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Basically, it’s okay, so long as you communicate with me properly.

Here’s what is, under no circumstances, NOT EVER okay: Attacking me, accusing, and/or assuming. If you intend to provoke me, do so solely at your own risk, but be forewarned: It might very well be the last thing you ever say or do to another living being.

I do not have the time, patience, or inclination to babysit everyone’s egos. Yes, I have more than one friend in my life. Get.Over.It. I once had a friend who would say “Don’t worry about it, more Lisa for me!”, because she didn’t like to share me with other people. Where is she now? I’d answer, but just in case she stumbles upon this, I will simply say: “ALMOST FIVE YEARS, what are you waiting for? God to say go?!”

I don’t need anyone to pat me on the back for a good deed. You say thank you, and we move on. However, if you’ve done, or are doing, something for me and then you throw it back in my face every opportunity you get, we’re going to either throw down or I am going to throw you right out of my life. I don’t need the drama or the bullshit. Again, I don’t have the time to babysit egos. If you’re feeling “unloved”, hire a hooker, but don’t insult the very kind, respectful, genuine things I say to you, especially after I have just praised you and told you how wonderful I feel you are. When given a compliment of the highest order, say thank you, take it to heart, especially since you know me, but do NOT attack me to the point where I ask myself if you’re worth it any more because I have been betrayed enough to know that walking away from someone is the absolute healthiest choice I can make at times.

Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am pissed off. I’m not going to accept this kind of attitude and behavior from anyone simply because they have been in my life for a long time. I have learned that not every relationship in life will stand the test of time, and while it saddens me to feel this way, maybe saying goodbye (Okay, that would be if I were feeling polite. I don’t feel polite.) is really the best thing for everyone involved.

I have found that people are much more apt to say shit to me via e-mail or social media, than they are to ever so much as consider saying it to my face. There’s a reason for that. Once my tone of voice changes, you might as well just lay down and die, because you will wish for death by the time I’m done with you.

I understand that part of this issue is genuine jealousy and insecurity, and I have no words in ANY language to respond to that. I think the best thing I can say is that I will NEVER understand the way other women’s brains work. I understand myself just fine, but the basic female psyche alludes me. They say that “Men are simple creatures.” (Whoever “they” are.), but the fact of the matter is, men are often a lot less complicated. I say this as a total Girl’s Girl. I have maybe a handful of laid back, easy-going friendships with women, but the rest of them are SO incredibly complicated that it gives me a fucking headache.

Ultimately, I think it is perfectly acceptable to be open about your needs in any relationship. However, your delivery has to be flawless. This is a sad truth. If you say the right thing to a person at the precise right time, you both win. If you say the wrong thing to a person at the wrong time, I don’t expect them to just accept that and say “Okay.” Maybe some people do, but I do not. I’ve been calling people out on their crap since the day I was born, and today is no different.

There is a person in my life who really needs to decide if they are going to “shit or get off the pot.” But make no mistake, once I make the decision that I am done with you, I am truly done. There is no revolving door in my life for bullshit, drama, negativity, childishness, or stupidity. If you go from friend to enemy, you do not go back to friend, not EVER. I do not suffer fools. If you’re going to be a bitch or an asshole, please, do so on your own time, and with someone else entirely. I value my time. Next to my name on the Tree Of Life it says “No time for idiots.” So mote it be.

Friendship -VS- “Friendship”: Sincerity Or Malice?

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FRIENDSHIP -VS- “FRIENDSHIP”: SINCERITY OR MALICE?

If there’s anything I truly hate in this world, it’s people not knowing how to be decent friends. It takes two, truly. Both people have to be committed to the same cause, which is the core of the friendship and what it is built upon. Unfortunately, you will often find that the other person generally doesn’t know your intentions and you may not figure out theirs until it’s too late.

Throughout the course of my life I have had both friends and “friends”, and it’s fair to say that we all have. The latter are the bottom feeders in this world who only come to you with falseness in their hearts. They pretend to be genuine, but they’re either intimidated by you, scared of your strength, jealous of you, or never have good intentions towards anyone. Sometimes it’s a mass combination of all of the above, and so much more. They are the types of people that are 1000 shades of fucked up and, no matter how sweet, kind, entertaining, genuine, or funny they appear to be, they are hiding behind a facade and not only lying to you, but lying to themselves. They will seem selfless, but they’re selfish, self-possessed, and have cruelty and hatred residing within their souls, and they choose to take it out on people that do not deserve it, as opposed to directing it at those that do.

I can only use myself as an example here. I give a LOT to the relationships in my life. I don’t know any other way to be. Need advice? I’m your girl. Need help hiding a body? What body? No one will ever find it. I have helped friends whenever they have needed help, regardless of what that help entailed. I feel that is the right thing to do. I do not like seeing my friends struggle and suffer if I am in a position to do something about it. I will talk to you for hours about anything and nothing, and I will truly listen to you. I’m not on the other end of the phone rolling my eyes or making faces, I am fully engaged. I am loyal and I am devoted. In short, I know my worth and value in all things, but especially as a friend. It is one of the things in life I am most certain of.

A lot of missteps in friendship are based on poor communication. If you choose not to say something to someone when, and if, it bothers you, that is YOUR fault, not THEIRS. Take ownership of your short-comings. I have my own faults here too. Sometimes it will take me a few days, weeks, or months to call somebody out on something I feel was inappropriate, wrong, and/or offensive. I don’t allow disrespect. However, even if it takes me some time, I will still do it. I do not avoid confrontation, and I always feel better once I’ve clarified with someone what is, or isn’t, going on and how to come back to a good place. It doesn’t happen with every single friendship, sometimes a friendship has run its course, reached an end and that, too, is ok, but the effort still needs to be made.

If ever you want to end a friendship, as in all relationships, it is crucial to tell the other person. For one, it shows good manners and two, it brings closure to the relationship. It doesn’t matter if you were friends for three months, six months, a year, or if you’ve been friends for 30 years, have some fucking decency in your dealings with others, lest you gain a reputation for the way you handle your personal relationships. Especially with other women. I can assure you that women talk. If you’ve been a bitch to a woman and later become friends with someone she knows really well, she won’t hesitate to tell that friend exactly what your deal is. I’ve had more than one or two of my close friends warn me about other women, and they were always right. Thankfully, I wasn’t fully invested into the new people, so it wasn’t a big deal or the end of the world.

I always encourage people to communicate with me. If you don’t like something I’ve said, come to me and Spit.It.Out. Just be honest. You’re not sure what I meant by something? FUCKING ASK. Things like that frustrate me. I don’t like wasting my time with anyone, nor do I like it when people attach my name to bullshit stories that are fictional beyond words, and delusional by half.

If you have an issue with me, say it to my face. Be direct. Don’t run and hide like a toddler, and don’t tell lies. I may not be perfect, I’m certainly not winning any awards for warmth, fuzziness, or coddling, but at least I know what respect, loyalty, and real friendship is all about. Once I lose respect for you, you do not exist. If you close the door, I will put Wolverine’s adamantium claws on my end of the door so that if you ever try re-opening it, you get to hang on your own sword, and your own mistakes. That’s how it works. If you want to be someone’s friend, have honor and dignity. Unless you’re incredibly self-absorbed and shallow. I assure you, NO ONE wants a false friend.

Choosing to be a part of someone’s life as their friend is something so many take for granted. Extending the hand of friendship, to me, is a big deal. If you bite that hand, be prepared for what comes next. People often underestimate my nice factor, which I can tell you from experience, is limited. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you want love and acceptance, be loving and accepting. If you want or need a certain thing in a friendship, as in any relationship, it is perfectly ok to ask for it. If you’re going through a rough time and you feel like you need a little extra emotional support, say so. Don’t expect everyone to be a mind reader, because the simple fact of the matter is, there’s no such thing as mind readers.

If friends or family treat you like shit and you always allow them to return to your life, you are allowing the behavior and accepting it. In fact, you’re encouraging the cycle to continue. Over time, you lose sight of what it’s like to be treated the right way. In the grand scheme, your acceptance of such negativity allows the chains to wrap around you. This extends to all relationships in ones’ life. Allowing bad behavior, accepting it, and never saying anything in response is encouraging it. If I, as your friend, have encouraged you to put your foot down and you ignore me, I lack sympathy when it continues to happen to you. Not because I’m a cruel person, but because you have been repeatedly given sound advice. I do not mince words and I do not suffer fools gladly. I mean what I say, unless I’m pissed, in which case I will probably say nothing until I cool off. If I am wrong and I know I am wrong, I will always apologize.

This was not written for any particular reason, so do not presume it is directed at you, the reader, in any way, shape, or form, except maybe in an advisory capacity. I’ve had this on my mind for a while and felt it cathartic to put it into action.

We have three different types of friends throughout the course of our lives, and in some instances, for many, many lives, until we learn our lessons and get it right. The different types of friends are “those for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. If you’re going to be the type of friend to me that I am to you, then you’re ride or die, and you are in my life for a reason and a lifetime. I will always be loyal and devoted to you. However, if you’re only sticking around long enough to use me, please, fuck off now, and take your insane monkeys with you.

If one person is a flake, don’t take it personally. If one person is over-sensitive and cannot handle the truth, then that person needs to work on themselves and letting them fly is the best thing to do when they refuse to listen. Not every friendship is forever, but maybe that’s because the ones that are, are so much more valuable, and are built on a solid foundation, as opposed to being built on one person’s immediate interests.

In closing, I am incredibly GRATEFUL for the lovely, talented, graceful, elegant, mature, beautiful on the inside and outside, kind, generous, hilarious, devoted, loyal friends in my life. I can count them on two hands, but quality is far superior to quantity. Some have been a part of my life for a short period of time, but are no less special to me. Many have been with me for 18-25 years and, despite our imperfections and character flaws, despite agreeing to disagree, we love each other, we care about each other so very much, and we’d do anything for each other. A friend recently told me that I have been there for her through EVERYTHING, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and she thanks God for me. Another told me how people are always using her, but that I am the bright spot in her life. In friendship, things should be positive. If they aren’t, detox yourself from the poison. You’ll find a lot of clarity there.