I try very hard not to fly off the handle with people I love/like/respect, but every once in a while someone says something and they take no responsibility for what a comment implies. It’s perfectly okay to say “I don’t have time to talk at the moment, can we talk later?”, but it’s not okay to tell a person that they’ve “wasted their time with you” and blame you for their poor time-management skills. Especially when this is a sudden issue and has never come up before. If I don’t have time for something in the moment, I wait until I do. I don’t place blame on someone else for taking a few minutes out of my day, EVER (Unless it’s my brother, who torments me with irritating shit, but that’s another story.).
Like most people, I don’t like being accused of things I haven’t done and would never do. No one wants to be accused of heinous shit and then be called “sweetie”, “dear”, etc. It’s passive-aggressive and it pisses me off.
When a comment implies that you’re A) A drug dealer, B) a prostitute, or C) a white-collar criminal, all within the confines of the words “This is how you acquire legal income.”, you either re-read the words to make sure you haven’t hallucinated or had a stroke, or you say WHAT.THE.FUCK?! That comment is directly insinuating that my income is somehow illegal. There’s no getting around that, it’s a loaded comment. When you know you’re the absolute OPPOSITE of those things, tell me you wouldn’t flip out on the person saying the idiotic crap. If you’d let it slide, please exit stage door left. I don’t like, appreciate, or respect doormats.
My immediate response was nearly “Go fuck yourself.”, which I decided not to use as my actual reply. However, I did put the other person in their place and turn my phone off. I decided it was best to take a nap and try to let it go because there are some things you simply do not say to me, not if you like living.
I don’t want to hear ANYTHING this person has to say because I cannot unhear or unsee what was said, and there was a lot said. There are some things in life that you cannot apologize for, and I am not a “sweep it under the rug” kind of chick. I’ve made it clear in all of my relationships that if you cross certain lines with me, there’s no going back. This was a HUGE fucking line.
Insinuating things that aren’t true implies some pretty negative views against who I am as a person, especially when I’ve never been anything but good to them. I will not stand for that kind of disrespect.
Somehow, this magically became all about them and not about what THEY said. It was more along the lines of “How dare you speak up for yourself. I feel SO disrespected!” Excuse me?! I’m not the one insinuating negative crap. God No, you’re not selfish or self-absorbed AT ALL…despite the fact that you turn every single thing ever said into the ‘You Show’.
When you say something wrong, you apologize. You don’t turn it around on the other person and make yourself into the victim. If ever I am in the wrong, I have no trouble admitting it. Sometimes we don’t see that we’re potentially in the wrong, sometimes it takes a few days to realize the impact it may have had on the other person, but in this particular instance, I know that I am right.
I immediately replied “Are you implying that I am somehow illegally acquiring income? Because if you are, that is low.” I said it yesterday morning and turned the phone off before I said something truly awful. I have a temper, it’s not a secret. The same fiery passion and loyalty that will defend you to the death can turn against you if you cross a line with me. I make no apologies for it because I am honest about it upfront. I’ve never downplayed that side of who I am. When someone pushes on every last nerve I’ve got, I am going to push back, but believe me when I say, the person in question didn’t even get a bug bite compared to what I can actually achieve through words and actions. If I truly want to hurt you, I have the power to do so, but I use my power wisely because viciousness isn’t a daily requirement. Taking the nap was for me, and for the other person’s overall safety, but I was under no circumstances going to let that comment fly.
Last evening, the text messages started flowing in over my incredibly benign “clarify yourself” question. For over a fucking hour. I nearly laughed at the manic ridiculousness of it all. If you want to start a fight with me, you will not win. I have a skill-set and it is not one-dimensional.
Sadly, the person sending the messages has exactly one skill-set. They will get defensive and say all kinds of ridiculous crap, and later back down because they “don’t want to fight”. Well, then shut the fuck up and don’t start shit. It’s really quite simple. Communicate like an adult or don’t bother. I know four year olds with better texting and communication skills!
If you’re guilty of spelling words via text message improperly, you had better have some kind of bizarre character limit on your texting plan or an I.Q. that matches your shoe size because there’s no way I will accept it unless you’re between the ages of 10 and 16. I will absolutely NOT accept it if you’re over 30. “Ur, “U”, “2”, and “B” will drive me bonkers over time. I have a swiping app on my phone for texting. It’s free, so anyone can use it. It means my ability to go to 400+ characters is nearly as fast as I type on my laptop, and I don’t shorten words, not even the word “okay”. Auto-correct is a bitch at times, but I’ve definitely expanded its’ horizons over the past seven months.
I decided to ignore most of the texts between 5:00 and 7:00 PM. I replied a few times to say “This is inappropriate for texting, I will discuss this with you when you’re able to communicate with me properly.” The accusations kept flowing. Using my words against me, which was done by re-typing my text back to me, was one of the most comical things I’ve seen this week. My response was “That’s your big defense? I’m not even going to engage you on that.” Why? Because it is childish and ridiculous. I know what I said and when I say “I nearly told you off because of what you said, but I held back.” and the other person gets pissy about it, I don’t need a never-ending soliloquy about how difficult your life is…all of a sudden. At that point, I become completely immune to your drama. Once again I responded by saying “I will discuss this with you at a later date.” I turned my phone off and that, for me, was it. I figured the conversation could continue by phone this weekend, or via e-mail, or really, not at all. I am pissed and I don’t currently have it in me to be nice.
When I woke up this morning there were two new messages. It started off with “I don’t want to fight with you.” I’d said in one message that their anger was misplaced and I wasn’t going to take responsibility for this person being angry at someone else. That’s only fair. However, if you don’t want to fight with me, don’t start a fight.
If you’ve known me for a year, two years, ten years, or twenty years, then you KNOW that pushing my buttons is going to unleash the beast. At this point, you know full well that snotty comments, insipid questions, being nosey, telling me what to do, how and when to do it, and/or talking down to me is going to have an effect. You can’t temper rude comments with “honey”, “sweetie”, “baby”, “dear”, or “I love you.” I am not receptive to that. It’s absolute bullshit to me, plain and simple.
I didn’t respond to the new texts because I want some space before I get into it again, despite the fact that I shouldn’t have to rehash it. Alas, I get an e-mail with the contents of the two text messages “Just in case I didn’t check my phone…” Are you kidding me with this shit?!
The nicest thing I could say this morning is “I read the texts when I woke up this morning. There’s a reason I didn’t respond. I need some time before I say anything, and I hope you can understand that.”
I am not going to waste an entire day on the phone this weekend discussing this crap. I am not going to respond to any additional text messages. Until I calm down and this person’s incessant mania stops, they are persona non grata. I have enough going on in my life, I don’t need additional drama on top of it.
copyright © 2015 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova 
About 6 months ago I had to block the number of someone I had considered a close friend for a decade. What you’ve written sound exactly like how she behaved after saying some truly vile things to me then trying to make out that I was the problem in a friendship that clearly was never at the level I believed it to be.
I applaud you for standing up for and caring for your needs. No one deserves to be dumped on because someone believes they are an easy target due to illness, economic or employment status, or if they are perceived to be alone and/or defenseless in the world. People take those shots because they need to feel better about themselves
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It never ceases to amaze me how comfortable some people become, only to cross lines and not own their shit. If I inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings and it’s valid, where I know I am completely in the wrong, then I apologize. If it’s not valid, I’m not going to say I’m sorry if I’m not. In the same vein, I know when someone is apologizing only to say the words, and I don’t accept empty apologies just to hear words.
Over time, I’ve learned that a lot of people don’t place friendship at a high level in their lives. It’s simply not a priority for them, and I often say they will die alone because many people come and go in your life, but your closest friends will be there in good times and in bad times. That is especially true for me, I learn who my true friends are every single day. I am often astounded at those who stick with me, no matter what, and those who slowly, but surely, back away, as if I have a communicable disease. It’s never about that, it’s about the fact that my honesty and directness makes them uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, the person I wrote about is a family member. She has a terrible habit of talking to me like she’s superior to me in some way. I don’t ever sit here thinking “Wow, she’s so much smarter/better than I am.” Nope, not at all. I can tell someone’s intellect is superior to mine when they don’t ask me ridiculous questions every other day. However, she has definitive issues that she targeted at me because she cannot or will not target them at the right person. I’m not a punching bag, I’m also not the kind of person you come after with kitten claws because I’m always going to be the bigger cat with the bigger claws and fangs. I don’t eat bullshit politely with a knife and fork and then say “Thank you.” Not going to happen. I don’t respond well to passive-aggressive crap. Even worse, she knows that, but I feel like her only skills are passive-aggressiveness. She runs her mouth, says nasty shit, and then backs down and makes it sound like she is somehow the victim whose words were taken out of context. No, I read what you said and I don’t need clarification on you being an asshole. If she’d owned it and said “That’s not what I meant, I worded it wrong.”, then that would be different, but she didn’t. It immediately became a “You don’t respect me.” thing. I find it hard to respect anyone that behaves like that.
I don’t care what other people do for a living, it’s not my business, but when someone says something accusatory and it’s so unbelievably wrong and negative, it definitely makes me question the entire relationship.
I think a LOT of people need to feel better about themselves and in turn, say nasty shit that they probably wouldn’t dare say to someone’s face. I often say “Think before you speak.” You can think anything you like in the privacy of your own mind, but once you vocalize it to the person you’re thinking crap about or you put it in print, it becomes permanent.
Sometimes, the healthiest thing for us to do is walk away from people who bring us down. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been a part of your life…if they refuse to understand you or they bring out “the bitch card” for no reason, you don’t have to accept that as behavior you’re deserving of. Not ever.
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You hit the nail on the head with everything you’ve said. Before my illness I had a habit of being “the strong silent type” and not showing that my feelings had been hurt or how angry I was when someone did a lot of what you’ve described. I would try to calmly and logically argue the point of offense to get them to see my perspective in a situation and try not to get too emotional. I think it gave people the impression that I was cold or didn’t care how they behaved as long as the issue was debated. However, I’ve stopped being silent or trying to get people to see what they have done via a “gentle discussion”, and now I say exactly what I’m thinking and feeling when it comes up because I’ve learned that otherwise you end up letting people get away with a lot of crap and believing that they are always right or superior to you.
Passive-agressive behaviour has always been a huge trigger point for me, but now I see more ways that people take jabs, hit below the belt or are outright abusive when they think they can get away with it. In many ways my illness has been a gift because I’ve slowed down and become more introspective, and I give myself permission to show my full range of emotions and tell anyone who feels they have the right to trample on me exactly where to go, and not in the nice girl way I might have in the past. I also don’t feel guilt or regret anymore for removing people from my life because if I have to cut someone off I know they have done something to deserve it.
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