Written by LISA MARINO-Molchanova

Hello everyone! Before I say more, I’d like to take a moment to welcome all the newcomers that have hopped on board in the last week or so, and especially anyone that has taken the time to read and comment. It’s been absolutely lovely to see. 🙂

I don’t know if everyone experiences moments of deep, dark holiday related depression, but mine came out of nowhere yesterday afternoon. I had just finished reading a book in my attempt to keep fasting and distract myself, but I was suddenly hit with a blast that made me get back into bed for a few minutes, smack dab at 3:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve never spoken about it here, but I lost both of my parents a little over six years ago. I jokingly refer to myself as an orphan, but the truth is, I honestly feel like one. The few close family members I have, outside of my brother, are too far away to go and see for the holidays, or even just for the weekend. I don’t have the energy for 2-3 days trips, I like to be “away-away”, for a good 10 days, usually taking a flight home in the evening so I get to stay put a little bit longer before having to return to the daily grind. The rest of my family? If I could be paid for their level of abandonment, disrespect, rudeness, ignorance, and everything else they lack as “people”, and I use that word so loosely they should be able to hang themselves with it, then I’d be walking around in Iron Man suits, all made out of platinum. I wish that were an exaggeration. It isn’t. I am embarrassed to share bloodlines with these people. I hope none of them ever need a bodily organ where I am the sole match because I wouldn’t be able to do it. It’s very easy for me to be a good person, but if you’ve treated me like I am less than you are do to some misguided idea in your head, or you’ve blatantly disrespected me, simply for existing, then it is very easy for me to say “Fuck You”. When people push you to the point where you feel complete and utter anger, even after trying to work through that, and you’ve lost the ability to care, for me, that’s the end. I don’t care if I ever see any of them again, because that would actually be too soon for me to be nice.

Not having close friends or family nearby sucks. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me, but yesterday, I would have given ANYTHING to be at my Grandmother’s table to break fast in our family’s traditional way. Alas, I had my brother, but I’m a step away from selling him to a country of my choosing. I love my brother, but he gets on my nerves quickly. I don’t have a lot of patience to begin with and I can’t always listen to chatter.

I can’t explain that moment of dark depression that swept over me. Yesterday evening I had to force myself out of the house and run an errand. It was either that, or starve. For a good hour or so, I was committed to the starvation idea, but because it’s been a rough year for me, I pushed through, got my groceries, and came home. If I could have gone someplace last night and actually enjoyed it, I would have, but I knew I would be paying for all the physical activity of the week.

For the first time in a while, I was able to go to bed early and get damn near 10 straight hours of sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was shocked and delighted. I was even more surprised that it wasn’t 2:00 PM, but I always get a bit discombobulated before the Full Moon. Today, I have given myself time, space, permitted myself NOT to work, and have allowed myself to the enjoy the little bits of sweetness that reside with me. My fuzzy girls are happy, healthy, content, and there’s no more hissing. That’s a LOT of progress in such a short period of time, but it makes me feel good.

My Fibromyalgia has been a beast this week, and I pushed it hard. I came home last night with neck and shoulder pain, and my lower back is screaming for relief. Massage is one of the only things that truly helps, so I just might treat myself to one in advance of my birthday later this month. If I’m not good to me, no one else will be either.

So, that’s my little update for the weekend. I hope everyone has been able to enjoy family, friends, and really nice weather. I hope no one else was struck by that darkness that is desperately trying to follow me into this new week. Truth be told, I understand it better than anyone I know, and I am aware of what it is, I’d just much prefer not to allow myself to go there and feed the demons. Absolutely nothing is going to make me its bitch.

I will back back soon with a piece I’ve been working on for a few days, one I hope people will like and appreciate. In the meantime, be good to those you love.