Weirdness

This is how men shop at the grocery store. Every single one of them.

Be Honest

Many of us use specific ringtones to let us know precisely who is calling. A standardized boring ringtone might mean we have no idea who the caller is, and thus, we do not answer the phone. Special songs have special meanings. We don’t even have to look to see who is calling, we already know.

Oftentimes I am out running errands and a person’s ringtone will make me laugh out loud, or want to run and hide because it’s appalling to the ears. My phone very rarely rings, but when it does, my ringtones stop people in their tracks. What can I say? I have an extremely warped sense of humor.

My favorites? I have a special one I use for my brother, which is a head turner. It’s an iconic song, so unless one has been living in a cave for the last 50 years, they’ve heard it at least once.

I have special ones for close friends and family. The songs make me smile, because they’re personal and related to private things I share with each person. The ringtone I use for people I don’t particularly care for is from The Wizard Of Oz. It truly brings me back to the very first time I ever saw the movie and the Wicked Witch appeared on-screen. It has a total flying monkeys effect on me. Whenever I hear it, it makes me laugh.

Now I am not the person that presses “Ignore” or “Decline” when a call comes in. It’s incredibly rude when the phone rings once and you’re immediately sent to voice mail. If someone ever does that to you, know that they’re doing it on purpose, especially if they don’t call you back within an hour and apologize. If my phone is off, you automatically get sent to voice mail, but if it’s on, it rings a good 4-6 times before one is rolled over to voice mail. It’s a few extra seconds of listening to a song, but in the end, you’re not the douche-bag that just hit “Ignore” or “Decline”.

There’s someone in my life that ALWAYS hits “Ignore” on a good 70% of my calls. The first time he did it, I called his flat little ass out on it and told him “Do you KNOW what a douche move that is? Just let it go to voice mail or answer for two seconds and tell me you’ll call me back, but don’t EVER hit IGNORE, or I’ll gladly do it to you when you call me in an emergency.” It’s such a shit move, it makes me want to knock someone’s teeth out.

I don’t take a lot of calls in public. I’m usually around a lot of other people and because a lot of my conversations are A) Super private, B) Hilarious beyond measure, or C) About as interesting as watching paint dry, so I try to keep public phone use to a minimum. I don’t ever want to be the woman sitting in the pedicure chair discussing a friend’s STD in front of an entire spa or salon full of people who are trying to relax. That has never happened, and even if it did, I’m not at liberty to disclose that information. I am not the loud woman in public talking on the phone as if she’s behind closed doors. No matter where I go, there is always at least one person doing this, be they male or female. It drives me insane.

Men, you’ve all grocery shopped on your own before at least once in your lives, right? Whomever you are in a relationship with gave you a list and sent you off with specific details, yes? Then please tell me why every single man I see shopping on his own is on the phone asking his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband about things like this: “It’s not on the list, but do we want blueberries?” Note that “we” was used. “Hi, I just thought I’d call to see if you want tomatoes.” Dude, seriously? If they don’t, you won’t get in trouble for buying them, unless they’re deathly allergic and you’re being an idiot. “Hey honey, do we need milk? Yes, I’m at Walmart. No, I am not standing in front of it yet. Hold on, let me walk over there.” Mind you, he was at the front door.

I can’t help but overhear these people because they’re either really loud and/or right in my face, often taking up space where I need to reach for an item. They will just stand there like I have on my Invisibility Cloak and I’m not actually reaching for tomato paste while they’re right there, over six feet tall, and can grab it for me while wasting time on the phone. It is truly sad when short people shop by themselves and need to flag down much taller people to be able to reach the stupidest items that are somehow placed somewhere directly between clouds and Heaven.

Honestly, I would rather send someone a discreet text about fucking tomatoes as opposed to having an actual full-blown tomato conversation in an aisle full of people. Perhaps it’s a female thing, but we know you’re going to eat whatever we bring home and be grateful you were fed at all. And by God, if I want blueberries, I’ll fucking buy them without asking for your permission!

Be honest, what drives you insane about others when you’re running errands and just trying to get shit done with the time you have?