Remember and Recover

Right now, I am following my mantra; Remember it all. Tattoo it on the inside of your mind.

I am slowly recovering from the two procedures I had this week, along with a mess of x-rays. Today’s procedure triggered a bad migraine, so I’m hoping my system will respond to the medication and cut me some slack. I was in bed early last night, but after tossing and turning for almost two hours, I ended up reading, crying (I’m going through some rough things.), and then getting very little rest before my alarm went off. After that, I was on an insane mission to rush to get things done. My body HURTS because I pushed myself too hard, but at least now I feel like I can breathe knowing that I took care of me and some chores which were necessary.

I am waiting for approval for scans of my knees and my right calf, ankle, and foot. A muscle in my right calf was startingly painful during the exam, and the doctor is concerned. Hell, so am I. My doctor’s office said the approval process could take a week or two. The doctor didn’t mark the request(s) as urgent, so I could see a denial before I see an approval. It slows things down, for sure. For now, I’m under orders to physically rest my legs whenever possible and to stretch carefully 2-5 times a day. That’s reasonably fair. I can do it, and I’ll be careful.

Moving into the holiday weekend, I’ll be doing as much writing as I have in my head and heart. I have no desire to partake in any kind of celebration because, and I’ve only recently started to talk about this, but certain holidays are very traumatizing for me, and more so as we move towards the month of May. I’ll do my spiritual thing, rest, heal, and hopefully next week I will feel a lot stronger. I am making big decisions and changes, and I’m proud of myself for all of it.

For now, it is what it is, but I am taking names and I am more than ready to kick some ass. Of course, some people will have to remove their semi-permanent sticks first. 😉 Unfortunately, certain types of people ask for things they are not willing to give you; like privacy, a thousand tons of respect in the face of constant hatefulness and disrespect, and they lack the absolute basic understanding that certain types of selfishness can actually kill me, which is why I carry an Epi-Pen. Yes, I will be writing about some of those things over the next few months, and I might even leave their names out of it, if I’m feeling kind. Newsflash: I don’t feel kind; I’ve had enough.

Buenos noches, beautiful people. May your Friday, and your respective holidays, be peaceful. I’ll see you on the other side.

Loss, Grief, and Solitude

I don’t have much to offer right now. The past few days have been fraught with sad news. My best friend buried her Grandfather (It took a few days for the body to be flown out of the United States to its final resting place.), and the other is burying her father, who passed away this morning. Both lived long lives, but there are mixed emotions for those involved, and I feel it.

These issues bring up my own losses, because I am dealing with a lot of trauma at the moment. As one person said to me, “You know how it is, because you did all of this by yourself.” That’s right; I did. I arranged everything by myself. Two funerals. A headstone. An unveiling. I have not been back since, but I need to go and try to get a feel for things because avoiding it is not helping me.

I remember asking a family member about a word for the headstone and being told, “I’m not paying for it; they weren’t MY parents.” Yeah, my jaw dropped for a second before I composed myself. All I did was ask if they wanted a word added to one side of the stone. I displayed an act of kindness which shouldn’t have been shunned, and yes, I paid for the word and the stone. I showed respect to someone who disrespects me constantly. Nothing has changed in almost thirteen years. I see it, and I’m paying attention. I don’t have to understand why this person chooses to behave this way towards me, I only have to understand and control my response to it.

Grief and loss were once the only things I felt I had to offer others, but not anymore. Now I see myself clearly and I know I am not the cause for these things. In fact, I’m actually the person who will offer someone the most guidance and support. If my pain can help someone else, then I will allow that, but my pain isn’t going to be used against me.

I’ll be back soon, hopefully with better news.