Hard To Define

I am currently in one of those moods that is hard to define. Lack of sleep and a full body flare-up haven’t helped matters much. You either allow yourself to feel all of the pain, or you mentally allow yourself to be dulled. I’m not talking about drugs or alcohol. I’m simply saying that after a period of time, you shut your mind off because all of the pain is too much.

Not being able to sit for very long, walk the way I used to, or turn my head and neck properly, was something I focused on for a very long time. All I could think about was what Fibromyalgia was taking away from me. Being able to fully take care of myself being high on the list. Other things start becoming afterthoughts because without dulling the mind, the intensity of everything I think and the pain I feel comes rushing back. No one deserves to live like that and call it a “life”.

By all accounts, my life would be considered full to the eyes of many. I know differently. I know that just getting out of bed is a struggle, especially if I haven’t gotten any real rest. Nights spent tossing and turning are equally as exhausting as the pain itself.

There are days when I truly need a nap. Sometimes I fight it, other times I give in. Sometimes a 2-4 hour nap is the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. It upsets me that I cannot make definitive plans because of the pain. When I do make definitive plans, I do my level best not to back out at the last-minute, unless it is something that is truly easy to re-schedule. People, it turns out, aren’t very understanding. Over time, you lose people in your life, but you hold on to those that are quality. A real friend doesn’t turn their back on you, period.

I think it’s important to support others through any form of Chronic Pain and Fibromyalgia. I don’t think it’s acceptable to walk away from someone who is really suffering or turn your back on someone without just cause. Essentially, many people want things they are not willing to give in kind. Hard times help you to see other people’s true colors.

I’m the same person I always was: Inappropriate, funny, honest, direct, loyal, and real. Pain has not minimized my personality or the lengths I will go to for others. It has slowed me down, yes. It has made me focus on other things at times, but it has not changed the core of who I am.

Love, loyalty, and friendship mean different things to different people. I know what it means to me, and I honor that. I will not stand for those that cannot honor any aspect of it. Apologize when you are wrong, fuck off if you’re not genuine, and basically, don’t waste my time; it’s valuable. Pain might limit certain things, but it’s not a lobotomy.

There are a lot of false people in this world. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by them. See people clearly, for exactly what they are. Stop looking for the good in people (Despite what some people believe, there is NOT good in “everyone”.) and start looking at what’s right in front of you. Trust is not something to be given away freely, it is something to be earned.