“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?” ―Emilie Autumn
**POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING**
I share this quote because today, I nearly ended my life. I received two phone calls that brought me to my knees, shattering everything and everyone I have ever trusted or believed in. I’m almost completely certain I had a stroke or something else occur within my brain as I tried processing the information. I have not been able to feel my face or neck since.
I am now faced with a task that feels impossible, but I also know I have achieved the impossible the majority of my life. It all depends on ones’ perspective, I suppose. However, the circumstances which caused this trigger for me were inflicted by a family member, someone I believed I could trust with my life. This person will read this at some point and I want them to know they nearly pushed me over the edge. They are LUCKY AS HELL my doctor called to discuss some medication changes with me, and was able to remind me of precisely who I am and what I bring to the table. I will always respond far better to empathy, compassion, and respect, as opposed to hatred, cruelty, and pure evil. I fully understand now that I cannot be around certain people anymore, especially anyone who can trigger me like that. I haven’t hated anyone in a long time, but what I feel now is 100% justified. As I overcome this, the hate will simmer, and it’ll make sure I NEVER become such a horrible human being that I could be responsible for someone else harming themselves in ANY way. This person badly harmed another family member, as well, nearly triggering them to the same fate I still ponder. I was able to calm myself down and get my mind right, but my risk factor just skyrocketed. The only way to overcome it is to be open and honest about it.
Please know, I am all right. Safe? Not really. Say a prayer for me or say a prayer for the person who caused this mess because quite frankly, they are going to need all the prayers in the world if I am triggered again. You will read about it in my next full post, which is already fifteen pages long and roughly 10,000 words. It is SUCH an important piece for me to write and even more important for me to share.
If someone is going to harm me and question my honesty, then they’d better be prepared for the fact that I’m authentic as fuck. You triggered the wrong woman. You tried to drag her down because her strength is superior to yours. Instead of feeding into your negativity, I am going to manifest nothing but positivity. I am wrapping myself in pure light and healing energy, and I am going to overcome all of this. You don’t deserve to stand at my grave and pretend.
By being evil, you lost the one person who has always loved you, cared about you, worried for you, and had your back. I feel sorry for you, because you chose to throw that away. The next time you imply that I’m worthless or unnecessary, I suggest you stop projecting at me. Instead of having a best friend, you made an enemy. G-d help you.